Some days (especially like today) I feel like this single mom gig is more than I can bear. Don't get me wrong, my kids are honestly amazing in every way. They are truly better than I could have ever hoped to have had, which makes flying solo in this role SO much easier. I can't imagine, and truly feel, for the single parents out there that have to deal with kids that make heart breaking choices without a partner to work through it all with. All of that being said, no matter how ideal the situation can be, I never imagined I'd ever be a single parent, and I never imagined how difficult it can be some days. Just difficult in terms of not being able to provide so many of the things that it SEEMS most kids they associate with have. Trying to decide if this month I can pay for extra curricular activities, or get the oil changed and a tune up that the car is in desperate need of. Putting off braces for Koleman, saving for college/missions, getting into our own home, and getting some dental work done because I need to figure out the month to month expenses and miscellaneous surprises that pop up before I can even think of those things. Trying to figure out how I can work a second job, but not quite sure how to fit that in with a full time, pretty demanding career. Having Koleman come home from school often asking how he can make friends and how to interact with kids, not knowing what to really tell him other than to just keep trying. Wishing so badly I could talk about it with a spouse that loves and cares for him equally and would be able to take him to do things that only a dad can do. Or listening to Addie and all the things she is struggling with, wishing so badly, once again, that I could confide in a spouse and, together, we could help her through it. Not being able to say, "hey this time will you talk to Addie about ditching school so much." Or, "It's your turn to talk to Koley about making sure he is handing in all of the homework he needs to have done." Some days I feel like I am stretched so thin, that I can't even function well enough for them to have even one parent that isn't always feeling like an emotional wreck. But even without having financial and emotional support that a spouse can and does bring, in my opinion, the most difficult part of raising kids on my own, is seeing the pain, that they try so much to conceal, of not having a dad as a constant in their lives. Watching them as they watch and listen to so many around them interact with and/or talk about their own dads. Wondering what is going through their minds, and having it rip my heart out not being able to ease the pain or make it feel better. I can't even sympathize with them. I grew up with a dad. A dad that was a faithful husband and father. Who went to great lengths to take care of our family and was always there no matter what.
I KNOW that we truly are so blessed and have SO much. Today has just been 'one of those days'. I am sure tomorrow will be better!