Addiction does not only affect the user. It affects SO many people. People that love and care for them. People that look up to them. People that rely on them. People that trusted them. People that only want the best for them. Husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters..........SO many are affected.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

Challenges Can Be Overcome.

It has been five years since my divorce was final. After being divorced, I only wanted to focus on school and my kids. I needed to figure out how to be the sole provider in all ways; financially, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically. I was all about my kids. They were all I did. They needed me and I needed them. Once I started teaching and they were getting older and more independent, I started to slowly feel that I was losing who I am. I still had zero desire to date. I NEVER thought I would have to date again in my life. I hate dating. Didn't date a lot in high school or even after I graduated. I am more reserved. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself that way, and I continually think in my mind, "why would anyone want me". However, aside from all of that, I was genuinely happy. I felt like I could go the rest of my life just being a mom. I didn't need anyone by my side in that way. I was in a good place as far as J went. I didn't miss him, I didn't want him back, I didn't hate him, I wasn't angry, and I didn't even feel hurt anymore. I was doing great. I had this. I was getting my life back...or so I thought. I still haven't dated a lot, but as I have dated a bit, I realize just how broken I am. Trauma was happening in my life EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. If you have read my story on here, it really is just the surface of all that went on. Everyday I was scared, hurt, confused, and felt like my life was out of control. I saw things I NEVER thought I'd see. I heard things I NEVER thought I'd hear. I experienced things I NEVER thought I'd experience. I hurt like I NEVER thought a person could hurt. I felt like I was ok after all was said and done with the divorce. I didn't need anyone to help me get through anything, because I felt I was already doing great despite the previous 7 years. I was so foolishly wrong. I went to a couple of counseling sessions after my divorce. That is it. I felt I didn't need to go anymore. I had a testimony and the strongest relationship with my Heavenly Father I had ever had. I felt I was over everything. As I have tried now to have relationships as I have been seeking and feeling as though I need an eternal companion, I realize that I have SO much work to do. Five years later and now I feel as though I am more of a mess than I was right after my divorce. Again, I am being extremely vulnerable here, but I am ok with that. I realize I don't trust. I don't feel there are any decent men out there that aren't already married. I feel (as I mentioned in my last post) that there are always ulterior motives. I have triggers. I have flashbacks. I have emotions that have been buried so deep within myself that need to be healed. I push people away. I feel that they are going to leave my life anyway, so I just try to hurry the process along. I feel unlovable as far as a relationship with any man goes. I feel unworthy. I feel not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not strong enough. Not fun enough. I feel I don't fit the "mold" of the women that surround me that men are wanting. I am broken. I sound pretty pathetic, and really, I am. But what I am trying to convey is that when we face trauma of any kind, we need help. We need guidance. We simply CANNOT get through it on our own as much as we feel we can. I KNOW that through The Atonement, we can be healed in all things. I know that there are people that are trained as professionals to help us heal. I am finally seeking the help I should have sought long ago. I have a lot of work to do. I have a skewed mindset. I am so incredibly grateful for the Gospel. Without the knowledge that I have, knowing that I am NEVER alone, that I can get through ANYTHING with an all-knowing Heavenly Father and Savior. I am so grateful for professionals that have been trained to help by giving me tools to work through the trauma. To help me not react out of triggers or fear. I know that the first step in all of this is to be, as my counselor says, "my own best friend." With the Savior by my side all things are possible. I will trust again. I will feel of my worth again. Nothing is too broken that the Atonement and hard work can't fix. Nothing.

No comments:

Post a Comment