Another school year

I haven't posted anything for a few days!!! The kids started school last week and I started Tuesday. Needless to say it's been pretty crazy!!!
 I'll back up to where I left off.....

My friend didn't tell me about the incident with J stopping in a random parking lot with the boys until months after it had happened. In the meantime, J was dropping us off at school every morning. I even left Koleman home with him because he didn't want to go to the Dicken's Festival with Addie and I at Christmas time. I am SO grateful that nothing has happened to Koleman because of my naive way of thinking. J would NEVER intentionally hurt him, or put him in danger, but when you are high and not in your right mind, crazy things can happen.

 Around Christmas, my eating disorder was starting to get the best of me again. I was beginning to purge after everything I ate. Some days it would be four times, others not at all. But just the fact that I was doing it at all scared me. I knew I had to be healthy more than anything for my kids, but also so I could concentrate more in school and at work. I felt like EVERYTHING was out of control. Everything. I only had the one math class, and I could barely keep up on it, let alone being at my best for my kids. I wasn't serving in my church calling the way I should and wanted to. I was even starting to have a hard time at work because I NEVER felt like I had enough energy. I would have a half hour break everyday, and there were times I would literally fall asleep on my desk. I couldn't sleep at night either. I would psych myself out worrying if J was going to leave after I fell asleep, and 90 percent of the time I did sleep it seemed I would be awakened by some kind of a nightmare. I was SO angry at myself. Not only did the situation with J consume me, but now my eating was making me that much more dysfunctional than I had already been. I couldn't get control of anything. I have to say that at this time, I wasn't doing everything I should have been that would have helped me more than anything. I wasn't consistently reading and studying my scriptures. I wasn't having family home evening with the kids. We weren't very consistent with our family scripture study. I would usually always pray every day, but my prayers weren't as meaningful and thoughtful as they should have been. In fact, often when I would be praying, my mind was drifting off and I would basically just be saying the same redundant things. I had no motivation. I was not doing things to help myself. I was succumbing to what Satan wanted for me........feelings of despair, hopelessness, guilt, and sadness.

 I can't believe I am actually writing this for the whole world to read, but I just want anyone and everyone to know that they aren't alone. I know that I've said this a million times, but we are all facing extremely hard challenges in our lives. But to me, it seems that more often than not, we try to make it look like everything is just hunky dory and we have an ideal life. I am guilty of that myself. Obviously I don't try to convey that to the world now. I have found that talking about trials and heartaches is a very healing thing to do. I'm not saying I'm going to go up to some random person and say, "Hey, how are you? Oh just so you know, my husband and I are getting divorced, my son is autistic, and I struggle with an eating disorder.". No WAY!! I also am not saying to go and talk about your problems if you don't feel comfortable, or to get sympathy, or to make people look bad. I hope that is not how I come across at all. What I am saying is, it's ok to have trials. It's ok to not have a perfect marriage, perfect kids that are in every sport, play every musical instrument, and are always straight A students. It's ok to not have a lot of money, a beautiful home, luxury cars, designer clothes, a high power career, and to be able to travel the world. It's ok because it is not realistic! It's not how life is for ANYONE!!! Recently, as my marriage started to rapidly unravel, I would sit and look at other families. Especially at church. I would think, "They have everything going for them." I would then compare myself to them in every way. They are prettier, skinnier, nicer, have a lot of money, dress better, give perfect church lessons, have a worthy priesthood holder as their husband, drive a car that I couldn't even pay insurance on, live in a house of their own, etc. I think it's human nature almost for us to compare ourselves. But, like me, some of us tend to be overkill on the comparisons. I feel like I am such a hypocrite. I am always telling Addie, "You can't compare yourself to anyone. Someone will always be better at something. As long as we do our best that is what matters.", as I am looking at my friend with her perfect hair and wishing mine could look like that. See? I'm the queen of comparing myself!! It sounds so cliche, but we are ALL important to our Heavenly Father. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US!!! I think it is hard because we are just a natural man, to fathom that we are all equal in His eyes. But we are!!! Isn't that so comforting to know?! I know it is for me!
 This post is all over the place. Sorry! I just have so much to say. So I'm going to back up to our last couple of weeks. The kids started school last Wednesday. I can't remember if I already talked about this in a previous post, so if I did I apologize, but I went to register Addie at the intermediate school the first week in August. If you're confused at what intermediate school is (because I know I was at first), here in St.George, it goes K-5 in elementary, 6-7 is intermediate, 8-9 is middle school, and 10-12 is high school. Anyway, we walked into her school. It is basically like a Jr.High or middle school. I immediately have anxiety. This was the age I started to loose a TON of confidence and my self-esteem went down the drain. Now my baby girl was this age. I began to have flashbacks of me crying in the bathroom during lunch. Or sitting in a secluded spot where I didn't have to see anyone. I don't want any of this for Addie! After we were done registering her, I brought her home and went to the temple. I prayed about the feelings I was having. I was immediately reminded first of all, how much stronger Addie is than I am or ever was, and also that if I just have faith in my Heavenly Father, she would be just fine. Not to say she isn't going to have a lot of struggles, that is just a give in, but she is strong and has the capability to work through things to make her even that much stronger. So I was feeling a lot better about sending her there. She had an amazing first week, and loves school! She has darling teachers and she loves all of them. What a blessing! She is even making a lot of other friends!
 Koleman. Oh Koleman! He is actually doing really well so far. He has only had one meltdown because he didn't want to go to Art. I drop him off with my friend and she takes him to school with Kaysen because Addie starts at 7:40 and I start at 8. Yesterday he left his lunch at their house. I didn't even know until after school. I was so proud of him. I guess he started melt down mode, but then worked through it. He found out what was for school lunch, and tried it. He actually even liked it!! What a blessing! He is EXTREMELY picky! I am so proud of him!! Other than him continually whistling, after coming out of the bathroom and running down the hall as his shorts fell down around his ankles and he continued to just keep running without pulling them up, and his teacher asking him where his work page was knowing that he hid it and him telling her that she was just hallucinating, he has done really well!!
 I started school Tuesday. I am in the Elementary education program and it is INTENSE. At our orientation Tuesday one of the professors said, "Tell your family that you'll see them in two years and to just wait patiently for you.". I am pretty overwhelmed, but am trying to just look at it a day at a time.

 As far as all of those aspects in our lives, everything is awesome. I have been extremely worried about J. It has now been three weeks and no one has heard a word from him. The divorce papers were served to him almost four weeks ago. He has not responded so they can now proceed with filing as the petition stands. He did not take one thing with him when he left his mom's. Not any clothes, not a toothbrush, nothing. He doesn't have a dime to his name. He left under horrible circumstances. Just being served papers, and me receiving a phone call from someone telling me he better watch his back because he crossed the line in their drug ring. He was also supposed to be arrested at any given time. I have been checking bookings constantly throughout the day. No J. I have had a really yucky feeling the past week. I tried to get the friend that was keeping me in the know of how he was doing at the beginning, to tell me any ways or people I could reach him through. He wouldn't tell me anything. I don't know what to think. I pray every night that he isn't suffering alone somewhere and nobody would know. I am very scared for him right now.