Grateful........
I have been thinking about my blog and the things that I have posted. I have had so many people be so kind and offer so much support and love. I have also had a lot of people tell me how sorry they are for my situation. In all honesty, I have been feeling a little embarrassed. You wouldn't think I don't like any attention because of the things that I have shared. But I truly HATE it. I am not in any way saying how it hasn't been uplifting and encouraging to feel love from so many people, because it has meant more than anyone could ever know. I just want to clarify that I had a strong feeling I needed to share my story in order to possibly help anyone. Or just for the sole fact that if I could make someone that may be going through something similar, or going through anything at all for that matter, feel that they are not alone. If that has happened with only one person, then my goal has been met. I also hope that I make it loud and clear once again that J is an absolutely AMAZING AMAZING man. I in no way wanted to write about this to degrade his character and who he really is. Because this person is NOT J. For anyone who truly knows J, they would agree. I told this not only in hopes of possibly helping someone, or to show how it has affected my little Koleman with his Aspergers, but so that it could be understood that not ONE of us is exempt from falling into Satan's traps. Not ANYONE. I think most all of us justify some of our actions that we know don't coincide with our Heavenly Father's commandments. I know I do at times. That is why we, myself definitely included, need to be on guard ALWAYS. I am extremely far from where I want to and should be in my life. I have watched how good Satan can be at deceiving, justifying, making things that are not good seem ok or appealing from watching a movie with bad language, to judging others, to being prideful, to terrible addictions. He is good. If we give him that power to let us justify little things that aren't right, we soon become more and more entangled in his web of lies and deceit.
Heavenly Father KNEW that I needed to have the trials that I have had. I was becoming way too lax in my life. I wasn't focusing on things that are most important. I was too comfortable and was taking for granted the amazing blessing I have of having the gospel in my life. I was continually justifying things that weren't bringing me closer to my Heavenly Father. I was not being the example in a lot of ways that I want to be to my kids. I NEED to have these trials. I cannot express enough how necessary it has been for going through what I have. I had so much anger and resentment towards J. So much. But at the point I have FINALLY come to now, I can truly say that I am not angry. I am not resentful. I am not even as hurt as I thought I was. I am certainly heart broken for him and for myself for not having him with me. But I KNOW the Lord is watching over me and J as well. I pray every night for him to, if at all possible, truly feel of his Savior's love. I pray that he will know he is worth more than anything to me and to the Lord. I pray that he will somehow come to know that he can come back. He can still return to live with his Heavenly Father. The Savior and Heavenly Father know, more than anyone, who he is. Satan works extremely hard on valiant, strong people. J is definitely that. Strong and Valiant. If anybody can come back and change their life around, it would be J. He is strong and he is brave. I know he has it in him.
So please don't feel sorry for me and my situation. I'm not sorry. I'm grateful. It has taught me in ways I could have never been taught, if I didn't experience this. I still have hope for J. I have hope for our family being a family again. I'm not giving up that hope. I won't. I can't.
Heavenly Father KNEW that I needed to have the trials that I have had. I was becoming way too lax in my life. I wasn't focusing on things that are most important. I was too comfortable and was taking for granted the amazing blessing I have of having the gospel in my life. I was continually justifying things that weren't bringing me closer to my Heavenly Father. I was not being the example in a lot of ways that I want to be to my kids. I NEED to have these trials. I cannot express enough how necessary it has been for going through what I have. I had so much anger and resentment towards J. So much. But at the point I have FINALLY come to now, I can truly say that I am not angry. I am not resentful. I am not even as hurt as I thought I was. I am certainly heart broken for him and for myself for not having him with me. But I KNOW the Lord is watching over me and J as well. I pray every night for him to, if at all possible, truly feel of his Savior's love. I pray that he will know he is worth more than anything to me and to the Lord. I pray that he will somehow come to know that he can come back. He can still return to live with his Heavenly Father. The Savior and Heavenly Father know, more than anyone, who he is. Satan works extremely hard on valiant, strong people. J is definitely that. Strong and Valiant. If anybody can come back and change their life around, it would be J. He is strong and he is brave. I know he has it in him.
So please don't feel sorry for me and my situation. I'm not sorry. I'm grateful. It has taught me in ways I could have never been taught, if I didn't experience this. I still have hope for J. I have hope for our family being a family again. I'm not giving up that hope. I won't. I can't.
Comments
Post a Comment