Final seems so permanent.
I have been having a hard time writing my thoughts here lately. I feel like I have regressed in this healing process. As of October 2nd I am an officially divorced person. It literally makes me sick. I can't imagine my life without the person I KNOW I am supposed to be with for eternity. I am still in shock that this is where we are. I hadn't heard from J in quite a while. I received the final documents in the mail on October 4th. I wanted to know if J would receive the same packet of papers, so the next day I called his mom to see if a package came in the mail from my attorney's office. She said that there was one. She then said J stayed at her house the night before. She kept saying "they", so I asked her if the girl I knew he was always with was there too. She said she was. My heart sank to my toes. The drugs, smoking, language, all of those things are so sad and break my heart, but the other girls. That is what is the kicker for me. I just can't deal with it. I'd rather be shot. I just want to understand why. Why am I not good enough for him? Why? I wanted to talk to him at least one more time. Just to feel a sense of closure I guess. His mom informed me that he has a phone (which he told me he didn't) and gave me his phone number. I called several times. No answer. I texted asking if it was J's phone. No response. I Finally got a response one day. I told him I really would like to see him. He said he could meet me a later that night. At around ten thirty he texted and said he would meet me at a park by my parents house. We sat down on a bench there. We sat in awkward silence for what seemed to be hours but was really only a couple of minutes. I finally told him how grateful I am for him and thanked him for all that he had done for me throughout our marriage. He truly has done SO much. He turned his head away and wouldn't look at me. He started crying and said it killed him to see my signature on the divorce papers. I told him that it took all that was in me to go and sign them. I told him I had no choice. He said that in fact I did, and I chose to divorce him. I tried to get him to realize that technically, yes, I did have a choice, but how was I supposed to be married to someone that I couldn't trust, that was making choices that not only affected him but everyone that loves him, that was always with other girls. He said that he was only helping her because she helped him. I tried to get him to see that even if that was the case, it wasn't ok. We were married during most of the time he was spending every waking moment with her. He wouldn't back down that she was nothing to him. The conversation started turning to a fight. I told him I couldn't be hurt anymore, and he walked away to his car. I sat on the bench and sobbed. I couldn't believe what was happening. He couldn't get his car to start right away. I finally walked over to see that his head was on the steering wheel and he was crying. His window was down. I went and just stood by the door of his car for a minute. We were both sobbing. I opened the door to his car, knelt down and just put my hand on his back. We didn't say anything. We just cried. I finally stood up, shut the car door, and stood there for a minute. He looked at me and asked if he could please give me a hug. I told him yes. We hugged and cried. I told him I was here and ready to help him get through this when he was ready to give it up. He told me he just wanted me. He couldn't do life without me. That he had nothing left. I told him I loved him and always will. Then I went home. It was about 11 thirty. I got in bed and went to sleep.
At about one thirty (only two hours after I met with J), my phone rings and wakes me up. I sit up and see that it was J. I answered it and a girl's voice responded, "Andrea?" My heart sank yet again. "Yes", I said. She then told me who she was. It was the girl he spent all of his time with. Then she told me that J just went crazy on her and she asked me if he had a mental illness. I wanted to say, "It's called drugs", but I just told her not that I knew of. She said after he talked to me he went and picked her up. Another knife in my heart. She said she wanted him to take her to a house somewhere in St.George but he wouldn't because he told her he needed to be with her and he was going to go to his mom's house in Hurricane. Yet another knife. She made it sound like he forced her to go to his mom's and left her in the car for over an hour. She said she finally went to get him and he started yelling and screaming at her and pushed her into a wall. She said she had his keys and phone in her hand so she ran to the car and was trying to start it. She said he came over and started punching the car, and was still screaming at her. She got the car to start and took off. I asked her what provoked that. She said nothing and that it came out of nowhere. She said, "I can't understand it because he was so sweet as always when he picked me up and he held my hand the whole way to Hurricane." At this point I had heard more than enough. Why was this girl calling ME? It was now 2 AM!!!! I was so hurt, confused, and worn out.
The next day I talked to J and asked him what was going on. Why was his girlfriend calling me? He got upset and told me he didn't want to talk to me right then. Of course he didn't. He never wants to talk to me. The next day we talked and everything seemed ok. In fact Addie and I had gone to a special needs Young Men/Young Women and had the BEST experience. I was texting J about it. It was so nice to have a good conversation finally. He told me that he wanted to do something with me the next day.
So on Friday he finally texted me that night and asked if I wanted to go get ice cream. I met him at Dairy Queen. We sat in the car and talked for a long time. I told him my worries and concerns, he told me a tiny bit about what it's like to be on drugs. It wasn't a great conversation, but not a bad one either. He told me he really wanted to see the kids. He hasn't seen them since Addie's birthday in June. He says it is my fault he can't see them. That is probably the hardest thing to hear. I told him I would talk to the kids and see if they were up to it.
I got home and got the kids in bed. I told them that I had seen their dad and I told them how much he loves them. I told them how much he misses them and wants to see them really bad. Koleman, for once, didn't scream and hide when I talked about him, he just kind of listened. Addie said she thought she would maybe be up to that. I didn't tell them a day or time because I didn't want their hopes to get shot down again if he didn't show up.
The next day, Saturday, I was so excited to tell J that they were up to seeing him. I called his phone. No answer. I called and called and called. No answer. I called again, this time a girl answered. I had had it. I asked who she was, next thing I know she hung up on me. I was so angry. I called back. No answer. I literally called over and over and over. Finally he texts and says he can't talk because he's working on his car. I'm not going to keep going on. Bottom line was that he, yet again, led me to believe that he was wanting to get help and that he was really trying. I talked to him for the last time yesterday afternoon. He screamed and yelled. I was hysterically trying to get him to realize how hurt I am. He told me to shut up. I told him I was sorry I yelled, and he said not to say sorry, that he knew I wasn't sorry. I really was sorry though. I was.
He texted me after that conversation and told me he was going to try to come see me last night and that he would call me. I haven't heard a word from him.
Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why can I not just let go and move on? This makes me think about when I hear of women being physically abused by their husbands, and they leave, but then they keep going back. To the EVERYONE else you think, "what in the world is she doing?", but I have that same drive to keep going back to J. I know he is going to just tell me things that aren't true. I know he won't treat me well. I know decline my calls and ignore my texts until I bug him bad enough that he'll finally talk to me. I know how it will all make me feel. But I still do it. I still try to call. I still try to get him to love me. I still try to get him to want to be a family again. But why?
It is unreal to me what drugs do to a person. They will do something right in front of your face, and you'll call them out on it, and they still argue that you are wrong, that they never did that.
This life is so hard. The problem is that I make it harder than it should be. I once again, am getting sucked in and consumed by what is happening with J. But if I would just stop and look around, WOW, do I have SO much to be grateful for. SOOOOO much. I let every ounce of my self worth come from the way J is with me, and what he is doing. Why do I do this?!!!!! I have two BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS, happy, healthy children whom bring me SO much joy. But I even overlook the joy they bring when I get sucked in like this. I have an amazing family, including J's family. I am healthy and doing SO well physically. I, for the first time that I can even remember am getting straight A's in school. I am surrounded by amazing girls in my cohort in the elementary ed program. I have the opportunity to serve in my calling with amazing women and young women. I have the BEST friends. I HAVE THE GOSPEL!!!! So why do I do this to myself? Why do I feel so miserable? Why do I feel like I have to fake happy? I actually know why. I am letting Satan tell me I can't be happy. I'm letting him tell me I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm letting him tell me I'm a failure. I'm letting him make me feel like I am not worth much. I'm not only letting him tell me these things, I'm actually believing them. Wow, do I have a lot of work to do! First and foremost, my faith in my Heavenly Father isn't NEAR where it should be right now. He knows. He has a plan for me. He isn't going to leave me. He loves me. Now I just need to let Him. I need to place my faith and trust in Him like I once did. I need to remember why I am here and that if I stay close to Him, everything is going to turn out just exactly how it should. I need to remember that true happiness comes from serving Him, from keeping His commandments, from committing myself to help build His Kingdom here on earth. That is what I need to remember. That is where I need to be heading. That is what will truly bring me happiness.
At about one thirty (only two hours after I met with J), my phone rings and wakes me up. I sit up and see that it was J. I answered it and a girl's voice responded, "Andrea?" My heart sank yet again. "Yes", I said. She then told me who she was. It was the girl he spent all of his time with. Then she told me that J just went crazy on her and she asked me if he had a mental illness. I wanted to say, "It's called drugs", but I just told her not that I knew of. She said after he talked to me he went and picked her up. Another knife in my heart. She said she wanted him to take her to a house somewhere in St.George but he wouldn't because he told her he needed to be with her and he was going to go to his mom's house in Hurricane. Yet another knife. She made it sound like he forced her to go to his mom's and left her in the car for over an hour. She said she finally went to get him and he started yelling and screaming at her and pushed her into a wall. She said she had his keys and phone in her hand so she ran to the car and was trying to start it. She said he came over and started punching the car, and was still screaming at her. She got the car to start and took off. I asked her what provoked that. She said nothing and that it came out of nowhere. She said, "I can't understand it because he was so sweet as always when he picked me up and he held my hand the whole way to Hurricane." At this point I had heard more than enough. Why was this girl calling ME? It was now 2 AM!!!! I was so hurt, confused, and worn out.
The next day I talked to J and asked him what was going on. Why was his girlfriend calling me? He got upset and told me he didn't want to talk to me right then. Of course he didn't. He never wants to talk to me. The next day we talked and everything seemed ok. In fact Addie and I had gone to a special needs Young Men/Young Women and had the BEST experience. I was texting J about it. It was so nice to have a good conversation finally. He told me that he wanted to do something with me the next day.
So on Friday he finally texted me that night and asked if I wanted to go get ice cream. I met him at Dairy Queen. We sat in the car and talked for a long time. I told him my worries and concerns, he told me a tiny bit about what it's like to be on drugs. It wasn't a great conversation, but not a bad one either. He told me he really wanted to see the kids. He hasn't seen them since Addie's birthday in June. He says it is my fault he can't see them. That is probably the hardest thing to hear. I told him I would talk to the kids and see if they were up to it.
I got home and got the kids in bed. I told them that I had seen their dad and I told them how much he loves them. I told them how much he misses them and wants to see them really bad. Koleman, for once, didn't scream and hide when I talked about him, he just kind of listened. Addie said she thought she would maybe be up to that. I didn't tell them a day or time because I didn't want their hopes to get shot down again if he didn't show up.
The next day, Saturday, I was so excited to tell J that they were up to seeing him. I called his phone. No answer. I called and called and called. No answer. I called again, this time a girl answered. I had had it. I asked who she was, next thing I know she hung up on me. I was so angry. I called back. No answer. I literally called over and over and over. Finally he texts and says he can't talk because he's working on his car. I'm not going to keep going on. Bottom line was that he, yet again, led me to believe that he was wanting to get help and that he was really trying. I talked to him for the last time yesterday afternoon. He screamed and yelled. I was hysterically trying to get him to realize how hurt I am. He told me to shut up. I told him I was sorry I yelled, and he said not to say sorry, that he knew I wasn't sorry. I really was sorry though. I was.
He texted me after that conversation and told me he was going to try to come see me last night and that he would call me. I haven't heard a word from him.
Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why can I not just let go and move on? This makes me think about when I hear of women being physically abused by their husbands, and they leave, but then they keep going back. To the EVERYONE else you think, "what in the world is she doing?", but I have that same drive to keep going back to J. I know he is going to just tell me things that aren't true. I know he won't treat me well. I know decline my calls and ignore my texts until I bug him bad enough that he'll finally talk to me. I know how it will all make me feel. But I still do it. I still try to call. I still try to get him to love me. I still try to get him to want to be a family again. But why?
It is unreal to me what drugs do to a person. They will do something right in front of your face, and you'll call them out on it, and they still argue that you are wrong, that they never did that.
This life is so hard. The problem is that I make it harder than it should be. I once again, am getting sucked in and consumed by what is happening with J. But if I would just stop and look around, WOW, do I have SO much to be grateful for. SOOOOO much. I let every ounce of my self worth come from the way J is with me, and what he is doing. Why do I do this?!!!!! I have two BEAUTIFUL, PRECIOUS, happy, healthy children whom bring me SO much joy. But I even overlook the joy they bring when I get sucked in like this. I have an amazing family, including J's family. I am healthy and doing SO well physically. I, for the first time that I can even remember am getting straight A's in school. I am surrounded by amazing girls in my cohort in the elementary ed program. I have the opportunity to serve in my calling with amazing women and young women. I have the BEST friends. I HAVE THE GOSPEL!!!! So why do I do this to myself? Why do I feel so miserable? Why do I feel like I have to fake happy? I actually know why. I am letting Satan tell me I can't be happy. I'm letting him tell me I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm letting him tell me I'm a failure. I'm letting him make me feel like I am not worth much. I'm not only letting him tell me these things, I'm actually believing them. Wow, do I have a lot of work to do! First and foremost, my faith in my Heavenly Father isn't NEAR where it should be right now. He knows. He has a plan for me. He isn't going to leave me. He loves me. Now I just need to let Him. I need to place my faith and trust in Him like I once did. I need to remember why I am here and that if I stay close to Him, everything is going to turn out just exactly how it should. I need to remember that true happiness comes from serving Him, from keeping His commandments, from committing myself to help build His Kingdom here on earth. That is what I need to remember. That is where I need to be heading. That is what will truly bring me happiness.
Honestly, I wish I could just reach through here and give you a hug! Life. Is. Hard!! It's been a year since my world shattered. It's nowhere near your heartache but my world was turned upside down. Until that point I hadn't ever realized I put all my self worth in what Todd thought of me. At that point I was nothing. Slowly, I'm remembering what my divine nature really is. Girl, we are daughters of Heavenly Father. Incredible!!! I miss your cute face! Give your momma a hug for me please. You. Are. Incredible lady, and I feel blessed to know you!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Krysta for your sweet comment!!! I LOVE seeing your pictures on instagram of your BEAUTIFUL kids!! As well as your BEAUTIFUL self!!! I love you and hope you are doing well! You are right, we are daughters of God and He loves us more than we could possibly fathom! You're amazing.
Delete