Finally...Letting go.

I think I may have mentioned this before, but when you hear of a women that is being abused by their husband leave him, and then go back, then leave, go back, you wonder what in the world she is thinking. What would she possibly go back to that for? Why would she continue doing that to herself? Well I know I think that, and now I am thinking that about myself. Why? Why do I want to know where J is, what he is doing, what his intentions really are, if he really does love me, why I'm not worth it to him to get help, etc.? On the outside looking in, it is blatantly obvious what the best and most healthy thing to do is...let go. What outsiders (by outsiders, I mean EVERYONE other than myself) don't understand is the deeply rooted emotions that go along with letting go of the person you gave everything to, the person you shared more with than anyone else, the person you had children with, the person you expected to be with for eternity, the person that you made sacred covenants with, the person you expected to grow old with, the person you shared your hopes and dreams with, the person you love more than life. I admit that I am certainly a VERY co-dependent person. Especially when it comes to J. But no matter what any therapist or psychologist says, I believe that at least for myself, my codependent nature with J, although very unhealthy, is so much deeper than just being "codependent". I was a very, very skeptical person. After being burned so many times, I didn't trust ANYONE. Especially guys. Not only because I was burned, but because I had ZERO self-esteem. I didn't trust or believe that ANY guy would want to be with someone like me. Not only because I didn't feel I was pretty enough on the outside, but I didn't feel pretty on the inside either. I said before that it took a very long time for J to gain my trust. But he proved to me that he loved me. He proved to me that I was beautiful inside and out to him. Then I trusted him more than I trusted anyone in my entire life. Not only did I trust him, every ounce of self worth that I felt came strictly from him and how he made me feel. I would be having a bad day, feeling down about myself, he would tell me how wonderful and amazing I was to him, and I believed him. That was enough for me to feel like I was enough. Relying on others to help you feel of your value is not healthy. But I have done it for SO long. As he has basically abandoned not only me, but my kids for this other lifestyle it has REALLY taken a toll on how I feel about myself. If I am not even good enough for a drug addict, I must be pretty worthless. Honestly, don't I sound like Eeyore the donkey from Winnie the Pooh? I don't mean to sound so negative and glum. It is just truly something I have been battling. Especially after Thanksgiving, and hearing from him. I became obsessed again. I wanted answers. Why was he not talking to me? What did he do all day? Why does he not even try to prove he's changing like he says he is? I literally could not relax for the whole week after Thanksgiving. I was anxious, depressed, and so exhausted. I sent him at least 7 emails. No response. I called his mom and asked her why he was ignoring me. She didn't know. She told me should would talk to him and see what was going on. She called me back and told me that he didn't want to talk to me because all I talk about is all the bad things he's done. He didn't want to argue with me. WHAT? Am I just supposed to pretend like everything is ok? It has been the most exhausting, frustrating, painful, thing to deal with. Him not seeming to feel any remorse. I finally got an email from him Saturday night. It was super short. It said that he would talk to me. That he was hurting, and trying to figure out his life. That he would try to call me that night. That he loved me. I haven't heard from him since. I prayed my heart out the next couple of days for Heavenly Father to please just help me let go. Please just turn my heart off when it came to the deeply rooted feelings I have for him. I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep hoping one day J will just walk in and be the same man I married. He isn't changing for the better. He is only getting deeper and deeper into this terrible addiction. I have been AMAZED by the way each day just seems to be a little easier and a little easier to let go. Heavenly Father is blessing me beyond measure. How grateful I am for His tender mercies. His love. The strength He gives me. I wrote J one last email. It said:
            

I'm not trying to sound mean, I'm just trying to let go. It is CLEAR you are still choosing this other life. The saddest part is you don't even care. You have given up what should be the most important things, your family, your health, your character, your integrity, most importantly your sacred covenants you not only made to me, but more importantly The Lord. Instead of trying to change your life around, you just get deeper and deeper into this dark disgusting life. You don't have a broken heart and contrite spirit, instead of remorse you point the finger everywhere but where the problem lies, with yourself. Not me, not your mom, not my parents, not Nate, not Jim, not ANYONE but yourself. It is beyond exhausting giving you chances, hoping maybe this time you'll wake up, only for you to turn right back to all that only takes you further and further down. This may be really cold, but I'm done. I'm done chasing you. I'm done hurting. I'm done hoping my husband will come back to me to only to be disappointed over and over. I'm done with being the ONLY one in our relationship to make any kind of effort to be together again. I'm done hurting. I said that twice. You don't even understand how deeply you hurt me, and by hurting me you have also hurt your kids. They are done as well. They are done thinking that they will get their dad back. J you are so loved, and that is why this is so hard for all of us. The man I loved is no longer present. I don't love this you. I know you are probably going to read this with a close mind and only pick out the parts to make it sound like an attack towards you, because you always do that, but I'm not mincing words. I'm done trying to beat around the bush. You blame me and get angry at me regardless what I do, so I'm just laying it out. You hurt me EVERY single day. EVERY day. I HAVE to move on. I KNOW I wasn't the best wife in a lot of ways, but NOBODY deserves this treatment. NOBODY. It's almost like you don't even have a heart anymore. I can't believe the transformation. You used to be the most non-judgmental, loving, accepting, easy going person I ever met. Now you just seem so full of hate and anger towards everyone that love you and are just waiting for you to let help you. You shy away from ALL that is good. I really do love the person I married more than anything. I miss him EVERY single second of EVERY single day. If there was ANY remorse, ANY effort being made at ALL to change your life around, I would stand right by you. But there's not. It's always only words. Never actions. NEVER. You are right you are sick. You are an addict. But what are you doing to fix it? NOTHING. You can say I don't know what you do, and you know what you're right, I don't know. But I DO know that if you were doing things to change, you would call your kids, you would talk to me, you would accept help, you would not only accept it you would SEEK it. You would be doing ALL in your power to prove to me that you want to be a family again. You're not. I HAVE to let you go. I can't do this any longer. You can say and think all you want that I am turning my back on you. I'm not. I CAN'T be there for someone who doesn't allow me to be. That is why I need to move on. I wouldn't even think of it, if you would show a desire to prove that you want us. But I'm going to do the HARDEST thing I've had to do. I'm asking you to PLEASE not just pop into our lives anymore. Until you are getting the help you need. PLEASE do not contact me when you need a ride. PLEASE do not contact me at all unless you are telling me you are honestly checking into a rehab and proving that you are changing. If at all possible, tell the man I married I love him and miss him with all that I am. Tell him thank you for the best years of my life. Tell him I love him.

Love, Andrea

He helped provide the two most amazing, precious, blessings in my life. He gave me so much in our marriage. He truly, truly is a great man. The REAL J. I am going to continue to pray for him. But now, I am finally letting go. Finally.