He knows.
Writing is so therapeutic for me. When I am really struggling or just needing an out this is usually one of the things I gravitate to. As I sat in Young Women on Sunday listening to a lesson that was given by three beautiful, amazing women, I was overwhelmed and humbled by the many many many blessings I have. They talked about Joy. Each one of them talked about each letter in the word joy. The first letter "J" standing for Jesus. As I sit here thinking of Him and why we are celebrating this 
special day in less than an hour, I am truly humbled. I can not even begin to express the deep love and gratitude I have for my Savior. He came into this world in the most humble of circumstances. He never lived in a palace. He didn't have worldly wealth. During His earthly reign, He didn't even get proper recognition or praise for His dedication to serving, loving, comforting, healing, and ultimately dying for each and every one of us. ALL of us. He was spit upon, beaten, mocked, and crucified. He didn't feel sorry for Himself. He didn't seek praise or recognition. He suffered more than ANYONE can fathom. He knows the trials, pain, heartaches, fears, and suffering each and everyone of us endure. He knows exactly how we feel because He felt it too. He felt it all. He experienced it all. He willingly stepped forward and so selflessly chose to go through it. He chose to go through it because He loves us. ALL of us. He loves us regardless of our faults, our weaknesses, how we look, how much money we have, where we live, how successful we are, how strong we are, etc. He loves us no matter what. Even when we lose sight of what is important. Even when we hurt one another. Even when we break a commandment. He loves us anyway. All He wants is for us to love one another as He loves us. He simply wants us to serve. He wants us to do our best to keep His commandments. He made the ultimate sacrifice for each one of us. He suffered more than is humanly possible. All He wants in return is that. To serve, to love, to be faithful. I am truly overwhelmed as I have reflected upon all that He has done for me. For all that He continues to do for me.
The next letter "O" in our lesson stood for others. Serving others, like I said is such a gift. When we serve others, we are serving our Savior and our Father in Heaven. I have been EXTREMELY overwhelmed at the kindness that has been rendered toward Addie, Koleman, and I this holiday season. I hope that those that have anonymously and given to us read this. "Thank You" would never be enough to express the gratitude I feel toward the selfless, thoughtful acts of kindness. This year, financially, has been extremely difficult. My sweet parents have not only provided a home for my kids and I, they so selflessly provide their car for me to be able to get around, food, among so many many other necessaties that we need. As Christmas was getting closer and closer, I was so worried. There was no way I wanted them to have to provide that for my kids on top of everything else. I racked my brain. How was I going to do this? I very reluctantly came to the conclusion I had no choice. If my kids were going to have a Christmas, I had to ask them for help. There was not one ounce of hesitation. As grateful and happy as I am for all they are doing, I have felt so terrible. One night as I was downstairs studying for my last final, Addie came downstairs and handed me a card with my name on the envelope. I asked her who brought it. She said she didn't know. She said they left it on the doorstep and ran. I opened it to find one hundred dollars and an extremely sweet card. Of course they didn't leave their name. I couldn't contain my emotions. I couldn't believe the generosity. Two days later, again, Addie brings me yet another card with my name, Addie's name and Koleman's name and a yummy treat. Again, she told me she didn't know who it was from that they just left it. I opened it to find a Visa gift card with $200 dollars on it. Again, the emotions surfaced and I just sat there in awe. First of all, that is a lot of money, but even more so that someone so selflessly gave to my kids and I. I am so humbled at the selfless people that did this for us. It isn't even so much the money. It is the love I felt. The love I felt from not only whoever did this, but from my Savior. That is an example of a HUGE act of service. We can serve people every single day. It doesn't have to entail giving money or other worldly things. A simple smile, help with someone else's children, your time reading to a child, visiting someone who may feel lonely, helping someone carry something, just thinking about others and how you can help them. When we serve one another, in turn, we are serving our Savior.
The last letter "Y" stands for yourself. How can we strengthen our relationship with our Heavenly Father? What can you do to better yourself? I have thought about this one so much. I have SO much I can and need to be doing to be the person I want to be. I need to stop making excuses. I need to just do it. I need to be a better example to Addie and Koleman. I need to do all that I can to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior.
After that amazing lesson, I was so filled with peace, excitement, and happiness. Satan knew that as well. He immediately started to pull me down. I let him. I started letting thoughts creep back into my mind of how I'm not good enough. How I will never add up to who I want to be, and fitting in in this world. I so quickly lost sight of what I was feeling after and during that beautiful lesson. It is truly amazing how quickly Satan intervenes if we let him.
Last night as I was cleaning up in our room I found a card that it looked like Addie had made. On the front it said: "To: Dad From: Addie" I opened it and it said "Dear Dad, I just wanted to tell you that I love you! I miss you soooo much. I pray for you everyday. I wish you were here with me, and mom, and Koleman, and Grady. Um....... I just had my second orchestra concert, and I am on the honor roll at school. I've been hanging out with Jagger more. I wish you were here for Christmas. That's the thing I'm asking for even though it won't happen. Anyway I just wanted to tell you that I love you and miss you more than anything in this entire world. Mom loves you, and Koleman loves you too, and Grady does too. Love you lots. Love, Addie". I read that card and sobbed. She loves him so much. She deserves to have her dad. Koleman deserves to have him too. Then I started thinking again, "WHY???? Why do they have to suffer? Why can't they have their dad? They didn't ask for this." Since then I have been so down. I have been doing anything I can possibly do to just be happy. They already don't have their dad for Christmas, they don't need a sad mom too. I haven't been able to shake these yucky feelings. I just want to be happy for my kids. They deserve a happy mom.
Every year on Christmas Eve, my sweet mom has us talk about the Savior's birth and why we celebrate Christmas. Tonight she had us begin by listening to a song by Afterglow called "The Greatest Gift" while the kids colored pictures of the nativity. She gave us each a paper, and as we listened to the song we were supposed to write down our thoughts and feelings about Christ. Then, as we do every year, we listened to one of the CDs in a series called Scripture Scouts. It is about three kids and their dog that get together to talk about and enact the scripture stories. Obviously we listened to the one about the Savior's birth. As I listened to the words in these songs, I was overcome by emotion. I just wanted to shout from the rooftops how grateful I am for my Savior. The last song on the CD really stood out to me. The words go: "See the treasure in the manger, beautiful and bright. Tiny King of everything. I'll love Him all my life. Oh Glory, glory, glory. Alleluia. The treasure in the manger is Jesus. God has given everyone this shining holy child. As we gaze upon His face He sees us and He smiles. Oh glory, glory, glory. Alleluia. The treasure in the manger is Jesus." He IS our treasure. The GREATEST GIFT, the GREATEST TREASURE we could every imagine or wish for. How very very blessed I am to know, and have Him in my life.
This was yet another tender mercy. As I have been struggling with the questions, "Why do my kids have to suffer? Why do we have to lose a husband and father? Why can't we just be happy?", listening to the songs tonight, reflecting on our Savior's birth, life, and the Atonement, it has helped me to have the proper perspective yet again. He knows. He is there. He gives us strength. He helps us grow. He knows all. He has felt all. He knows what is best for us. I just need to remember that. I need to remember that He is always there for me, for Addie, for Koleman, for everyone.
special day in less than an hour, I am truly humbled. I can not even begin to express the deep love and gratitude I have for my Savior. He came into this world in the most humble of circumstances. He never lived in a palace. He didn't have worldly wealth. During His earthly reign, He didn't even get proper recognition or praise for His dedication to serving, loving, comforting, healing, and ultimately dying for each and every one of us. ALL of us. He was spit upon, beaten, mocked, and crucified. He didn't feel sorry for Himself. He didn't seek praise or recognition. He suffered more than ANYONE can fathom. He knows the trials, pain, heartaches, fears, and suffering each and everyone of us endure. He knows exactly how we feel because He felt it too. He felt it all. He experienced it all. He willingly stepped forward and so selflessly chose to go through it. He chose to go through it because He loves us. ALL of us. He loves us regardless of our faults, our weaknesses, how we look, how much money we have, where we live, how successful we are, how strong we are, etc. He loves us no matter what. Even when we lose sight of what is important. Even when we hurt one another. Even when we break a commandment. He loves us anyway. All He wants is for us to love one another as He loves us. He simply wants us to serve. He wants us to do our best to keep His commandments. He made the ultimate sacrifice for each one of us. He suffered more than is humanly possible. All He wants in return is that. To serve, to love, to be faithful. I am truly overwhelmed as I have reflected upon all that He has done for me. For all that He continues to do for me.The next letter "O" in our lesson stood for others. Serving others, like I said is such a gift. When we serve others, we are serving our Savior and our Father in Heaven. I have been EXTREMELY overwhelmed at the kindness that has been rendered toward Addie, Koleman, and I this holiday season. I hope that those that have anonymously and given to us read this. "Thank You" would never be enough to express the gratitude I feel toward the selfless, thoughtful acts of kindness. This year, financially, has been extremely difficult. My sweet parents have not only provided a home for my kids and I, they so selflessly provide their car for me to be able to get around, food, among so many many other necessaties that we need. As Christmas was getting closer and closer, I was so worried. There was no way I wanted them to have to provide that for my kids on top of everything else. I racked my brain. How was I going to do this? I very reluctantly came to the conclusion I had no choice. If my kids were going to have a Christmas, I had to ask them for help. There was not one ounce of hesitation. As grateful and happy as I am for all they are doing, I have felt so terrible. One night as I was downstairs studying for my last final, Addie came downstairs and handed me a card with my name on the envelope. I asked her who brought it. She said she didn't know. She said they left it on the doorstep and ran. I opened it to find one hundred dollars and an extremely sweet card. Of course they didn't leave their name. I couldn't contain my emotions. I couldn't believe the generosity. Two days later, again, Addie brings me yet another card with my name, Addie's name and Koleman's name and a yummy treat. Again, she told me she didn't know who it was from that they just left it. I opened it to find a Visa gift card with $200 dollars on it. Again, the emotions surfaced and I just sat there in awe. First of all, that is a lot of money, but even more so that someone so selflessly gave to my kids and I. I am so humbled at the selfless people that did this for us. It isn't even so much the money. It is the love I felt. The love I felt from not only whoever did this, but from my Savior. That is an example of a HUGE act of service. We can serve people every single day. It doesn't have to entail giving money or other worldly things. A simple smile, help with someone else's children, your time reading to a child, visiting someone who may feel lonely, helping someone carry something, just thinking about others and how you can help them. When we serve one another, in turn, we are serving our Savior.The last letter "Y" stands for yourself. How can we strengthen our relationship with our Heavenly Father? What can you do to better yourself? I have thought about this one so much. I have SO much I can and need to be doing to be the person I want to be. I need to stop making excuses. I need to just do it. I need to be a better example to Addie and Koleman. I need to do all that I can to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior.
After that amazing lesson, I was so filled with peace, excitement, and happiness. Satan knew that as well. He immediately started to pull me down. I let him. I started letting thoughts creep back into my mind of how I'm not good enough. How I will never add up to who I want to be, and fitting in in this world. I so quickly lost sight of what I was feeling after and during that beautiful lesson. It is truly amazing how quickly Satan intervenes if we let him.Last night as I was cleaning up in our room I found a card that it looked like Addie had made. On the front it said: "To: Dad From: Addie" I opened it and it said "Dear Dad, I just wanted to tell you that I love you! I miss you soooo much. I pray for you everyday. I wish you were here with me, and mom, and Koleman, and Grady. Um....... I just had my second orchestra concert, and I am on the honor roll at school. I've been hanging out with Jagger more. I wish you were here for Christmas. That's the thing I'm asking for even though it won't happen. Anyway I just wanted to tell you that I love you and miss you more than anything in this entire world. Mom loves you, and Koleman loves you too, and Grady does too. Love you lots. Love, Addie". I read that card and sobbed. She loves him so much. She deserves to have her dad. Koleman deserves to have him too. Then I started thinking again, "WHY???? Why do they have to suffer? Why can't they have their dad? They didn't ask for this." Since then I have been so down. I have been doing anything I can possibly do to just be happy. They already don't have their dad for Christmas, they don't need a sad mom too. I haven't been able to shake these yucky feelings. I just want to be happy for my kids. They deserve a happy mom.
Every year on Christmas Eve, my sweet mom has us talk about the Savior's birth and why we celebrate Christmas. Tonight she had us begin by listening to a song by Afterglow called "The Greatest Gift" while the kids colored pictures of the nativity. She gave us each a paper, and as we listened to the song we were supposed to write down our thoughts and feelings about Christ. Then, as we do every year, we listened to one of the CDs in a series called Scripture Scouts. It is about three kids and their dog that get together to talk about and enact the scripture stories. Obviously we listened to the one about the Savior's birth. As I listened to the words in these songs, I was overcome by emotion. I just wanted to shout from the rooftops how grateful I am for my Savior. The last song on the CD really stood out to me. The words go: "See the treasure in the manger, beautiful and bright. Tiny King of everything. I'll love Him all my life. Oh Glory, glory, glory. Alleluia. The treasure in the manger is Jesus. God has given everyone this shining holy child. As we gaze upon His face He sees us and He smiles. Oh glory, glory, glory. Alleluia. The treasure in the manger is Jesus." He IS our treasure. The GREATEST GIFT, the GREATEST TREASURE we could every imagine or wish for. How very very blessed I am to know, and have Him in my life.
This was yet another tender mercy. As I have been struggling with the questions, "Why do my kids have to suffer? Why do we have to lose a husband and father? Why can't we just be happy?", listening to the songs tonight, reflecting on our Savior's birth, life, and the Atonement, it has helped me to have the proper perspective yet again. He knows. He is there. He gives us strength. He helps us grow. He knows all. He has felt all. He knows what is best for us. I just need to remember that. I need to remember that He is always there for me, for Addie, for Koleman, for everyone.
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