If only he could remember.........

Monday morning after having what seemed like 80 kids (really only 8) spend the night with Monday being a holiday, I slept in a lot longer than usual. When I finally got up I saw I had missed a call from my sister in law. I called her back. She asked if I got her text. I didn't see it, because I immediately just called her. She said, "Well J's in jail." I literally shouted, "yes!" That is where he should be. I ran into the computer and checked the bookings. She also told me his girlfriend was arrested as well but was already out. She said they were arrested Friday. As I was scrolling through the mugshots, I saw his girlfriend, then scrolled down a little ways further. My heart stopped for a second. The picture I saw literally made me sick. This was J? It didn't even look like the same person I saw four months ago, let alone the man I married. Although that image of him was extremely hard to look at, I couldn't stop. I just sat and stared right into his eyes. It was like a train wreck. I just wanted to look away and erase it out of my head, but I couldn't. I pulled it up on my phone periodically throughout the day yesterday and today. I just want to wrap him in my arms (after giving him an earful of course ;)), and protect him from all of these horrible substances he is ruining his life with. I want to protect him from all of the people that just bring him further and further down. I want to hold him tight and remind him who he is. I want to remind him of his amazing testimony that he once had. I want to remind him how loved he is. I want to remind him of the positive impact he truly made on so many lives. I just want to take him and shield him from all of the horrible temptations. I can't. I never will be able to. The hardest part is, there is absolutely nothing I can do but pray for him, which I do several times a day.
 His most recent mugshot will forever be burned into my brain. Every time I close my eyes I see it. I want my husband back. I want him back so badly it hurts. The hardest thing I have EVER had to do is come to terms that I may never get him back. And now after looking at his picture, it solidifies that I probably won't.
 I laid awake looking at his picture most of the night last night. I just kept talking to it as if he was sitting there. "Why? Why J won't you get help? Why did I have to loose you? Don't you remember the amazing relationship we had? Don't you remember putting the kids in bed and going out in the backyard to look at the stars? Don't you remember watching Everybody Loves Raymond episodes over and over, and still laughing our heads off? Don't you remember going to the temple and doing sealings together, reminding us of our sacred covenants we made to one another? Don't you remember our long Sunday drives to the mountains? Don't you remember going on walks as a family stopping every few feet with our precious kiddos to look at all the beautiful creations our Heavenly Father gave to us? Don't you remember always carrying me into bed when I would fall asleep watching T.V. with you? Don't you remember our long talks about how we could never get through life without each other? Don't you remember the joy we shared together as we watched Addie dance, or Koley play T-ball? Don't you remember the feelings you had when Addie would wrap her arms around your neck and tell you how much she loves you? Or when Koley would giggle till he could barely breathe when you would tickle him and wrestle with him? Don't you remember the feelings of joy they bring that you cannot possibly get from ANYWHERE else? Don't you remember the feelings you had as you served the Lord faithfully for two years sharing His gospel and bringing so much happiness into other people's lives? Or feeling the spirit so strongly when we had the opportunity to sit 10 feet away from a Prophet of God? Don't you remember we were made for each other? There are no two people on earth that were more perfect for each other than us. Please remember J. Please.