If Only.......

I had the opportunity to visit with J in jail this past Sunday. It was extremely hard for many reasons. The first one being that I miss him. I miss him every single day. This visit was more "normal" than any other communication we have had in a very long time. I saw more glimpses of the "real J" in this visit than I have seen in what feels like forever. Maybe it is the lack of drugs in his system. Maybe it's all the time he has had to contemplate and think while sitting in there. Maybe it was simply yet another charade. I don't know what to think. But I do know that I miss him. Then I start to think if only...... If only he would have admitted when he was confronted that he had a problem with prescription drugs. If only he would have talked to me instead of hiding and sneaking. If only I would have made him feel like he could tell me. If only he could really see how much trust I placed in him every single time that I had an uneasy feeling when he would tell me what now I know was probably a lie, and how I would be so upset at myself for ever doubting him, again pushing away the promptings to confront him and instead just believing everything he said. If only he could have felt the anger and defensiveness that would well up inside me anytime someone would be concerned that he maybe had a problem. If only he could see the countless times I stood up for him, and defended him, only to be made a fool of for believing him. If only he could have seen how hard it was when he was so adamantly going to work in North Dakota, even when I didn't feel right about it. If only he could feel the worry I felt when things began to spiral out of control and he started turning into a completely different person, but I didn't understand what was going on. If only he could have felt the genuine love and concern I felt for him when he did admit to drinking while he was in North Dakota, instead of feeling like I was angry or disgusted. If only he could have felt the horror and devastation that literally overwhelmed my whole being when I saw first hand that he was in a relationship with another women. If only he could have felt the sorrow, seen the pain, and the utter despair that literally paralyzed me for a whole summer. If only he could have been there to see his two precious angels being taken care of 100% by their grandma for the whole summer because their mom couldn't even function. If only he could have seen the countless times I would hide in my closet and sob so that the kids would not be worried, but often times would catch me and see their little faces drop when they saw mom was sad yet again. If only he could see the happy face I tried to paste on for the kids and the world, when inside I was literally wanting to die. If only he could have felt the urgency and frustration that consumed me every single day because I just wanted to know what was going on, I just wanted answers, I just wanted him to feel of my love, but it was SO hard to show it. If only he could have heard the countless times Addie would ask why he wasn't there again when it was time to read scriptures, or why he wasn't ever on time to anything, or why he was simply never there. If only he could have seen her beautiful big brown eyes filled with tears as she stood in her beautiful dress waiting for her dad to come and escort her out for her dance review, and yet again he was late. If only he could have felt the frustration, as we waited on him to come pick us up from school because he had to have the car, only to continually be late as the kids and I would sit outside in the hot sun, waiting as I was always trying to calm down Koleman because it would drive him to meltdown mode. If only he could have felt the worry and hurt when the kids and I were stranded in Las Vegas without a dime after he promised all throughout the day there would be money in the bank, and then to hear a conversation when he thought he had hung up his phone after talking to him for the millionth time that day trying to get an answer as to what I was supposed to do, only to hear him using obscenities to describe the turmoil his horrible wife put him through that day and how annoyed he was, as I stood hysterically crying in a Wal-Mart parking lot while my dear friend was trying to distract the kids as they waited, starving for dinner because it was now almost 8 at night and they hadn't eaten because I didn't have money to get them dinner. If only he could have felt the knife through my heart as I quickly called him back telling him that I heard his conversation, only for him to tell me I didn't know what I was talking about, making me feel like I was literally crazy, and he not only showing no remorse, but yelling at me for accusing him of something like that. If only he could have felt the fear I had when I found a small bag with obscene pictures printed on the front and what looked like could have been the remains of some type of drug in the bottom. If only he could have felt the excitement I had when he told me that the day before school got out for the summer he would take me to dinner because I was having such a hard time having to quit my job at the school so that I could be a full time student. If only he could have felt the sadness when he wasn't home when he said he would be that night to go to dinner. If only he could have felt that sadness turn to fear as I couldn't get him to answer his phone, and then for his phone to be dead going straight to voice mail. If only he could have seen me walking up and down the streets at 11 o'clock that night hysterically sobbing because I thought something happened to him. If only he could have seen me waiting for hours on a rock down by the busy street, watching every car drive by hoping it would be him. If only he could have felt the yucky, unsettling feelings as I sat up all night and he didn't return. If only he could have felt the sadness as I had to go to work the next morning, it being my last day, and on top of it him still not home. If only he could have seen me hiding in my classroom sobbing instead of being a part of the faculty vs. 5th graders in kickball, not feeling up to even saying good-bye to my friends and co-workers. If only he could have felt my heart fall to my feet when I drove by a house that I had suspected he went to often to do who knows what, and after almost 24 hours of not hearing from him, seeing our car parked to the side of this house. If only he could have felt the fear as I parked my mom's car trying to decide what I should do, if I should go in and see if he really was there. If only he could have felt the numbness that had now come over me as a girl walked out of that house acting like we were great friends, and then asking if I wanted to see J because he was in the house. If only he could have felt the knife in my heart, yet again as I walked in to see him eating a sandwich in the kitchen, not even caring that he was supposed to have taken me to dinner the previous night, but not only that, not even coming home nor contacting me at all. If only he could have felt the rage as we went outside and he acted like nothing was wrong, and wondered why I was so upset. If only he could have felt the pain when we went back to our house so that he could get his belongings and leave. If only he could have felt once again the devastation as I found texts in his phone between he and other girls that were more than just friendly. If only he could have felt the fear and worry of how I was going to tell the kids that dad had to leave and that he was not living with us for a while, and then not knowing what to say when they asked why. If only he could have seen me on my knees pleading with my Heavenly Father to guide me in telling my kids as much as I could so they didn't live in fear of the unknown. If only he could have been there to hear me telling the kids that right now Satan has a hold of their dad, and that if we let him, he can get even the greatest people, trying to carefully speak of him in the best light possible so that his kids would know that he was still an amazing person. Only for him to rip me up one side and down the other, accusing me of making him out to be a horrible person to the kids. If only he could have been there when after he had disappeared for weeks, I sat one night and read his Patriarchal Blessing to the kids so that they could know that their dad is still an amazing person, but that right now he is just blinded because of Satan. If only he could have seen the pain in the kids eyes as we saw him when he finally decided to show up after weeks of hiding out, and he looked like a completely different person. If only he could have heard Addie on her birthday asking me if he was going to come, and me not knowing what to say because although he promised he would come, I never knew what to expect. If only he could have seen the fear in Addie's eyes when he finally showed up at nine o'clock that night acting as if he was completely high. If only he could have been there when after the kids were wondering if he even loved them, trying to explain to them that he loves them, when to them, he only showed proof that they weren't important enough to come see them, and then having to deal with him telling me that it was my fault he couldn't see them. If only he could hear the sad things that Koleman says that shows how he thinks of his dad right now. If only he could feel the frustration when he accuses me of being responsible for the way the kids feel about him, when all I have done is try to remind the kids who he REALLY is. If only he could feel the rejection, the hurt, the anger, the despair. If only he could see how much he has missed out on with his precious kids. If only he could see how grown-up Addie is, and how mature she is becoming, or how well Koley is doing in school, and hear the funny things he says on a daily basis. If only he could feel the hurt as he has a girlfriend, a girlfriend he had when we were still married. If only he could feel the pain when I asked him why he was always with this girl that he denied was his girlfriend, and him telling me that she has four kids and he helps her, as I sit here worried sick every single day as to how I am going to pay for Addie's braces, dance, projects for school, get Christmas, birthday gifts, not knowing how to help Koleman best, worrying about the feelings Addie bottles up, seeing their feelings hurt and having to deal with it alone, being there alone to take care of them when they are sick, or when they have a bad dream, not having their dad to share in the joy of their triumphs and talents, because he is helping some other girl with HER four kids? If only he could feel the deep deep hurt and sorrow as it seems part of my heart is missing. If only he could feel the same sadness I do when I think about how happy we once were. If only he could open his heart. If only...........