Hold On....
Dear J,
Man I miss you so much today. I feel like everywhere I go I don't fit in, I don't click, I just don't have a place in this world. I know I really do somewhere, but once again I'm listening to satan. I just remember having days like this and all I'd need to do is call you or see you and I was ok. I felt so loved and accepted by you. You made me feel important and worthy to be myself. You always boosted my confidence. Where are you? I NEED you. I know I am worth more than I feel like I am, but just to have you hug me and so sincerely remind me of who I am. I shouldn't rely on that to feel of my worth but today it would sure help. I'm extremely worried. You've been missing now for over four weeks. Nobody knows if you're ok, if you're safe, or if you're even alive. I have nightmares every time I try to sleep about you. I had one last night where it was almost to a T a reenactment of the day I waited for you and found you at that trailer that I knew you hung out at because you called your brother to fix the AC there and I was able to find out where it was. I had already made you leave for the last time. You were staying at your mom's but were rarely there. This was only 9 short months ago. I was feeling hopeful that you were on the right track of wanting to get your life back, that you wanted to be a family still after I had talked with you the night before and you told me over and over again that was all you wanted. I believed you. I really thought that was true. You told me you'd call me the next day and we could get together to figure some things out. Again, I let my naive mind take over and I actually believed you would. I waited. No call. It was late afternoon and I decided I would finally call you. At this point you had somehow managed to buy a five hundred dollar car. You told me the car needed to get something fixed on it. I called your phone, a girl answers. What? I should have been used to events like this and not be so surprised, but I'd always let myself believe you were really trying. I asked for you. The girl started laughing and called me an obscene name then hung up. I did the normal routine and started blowing up your phone. I don't know how many times I called (I lost track after around eighty something) before you finally texted and said you were working on your car and couldn't talk because your hands were covered in grease. Um, ok but how could you text then? I asked you that. You replied, "oh here we go, I'll call you!!!". You called. You yelled when I asked who the girl was. You said she was the receptionist at the mechanics where you were getting your car fixed. I questioned why you were working on your car if you were having a mechanic fix it, and also asked how you could afford that. You told me it was a friend of yours and you were using his shop and tools. I asked why his receptionist would be answering your phone. You yelled, "Didn't you hear me I am covered in grease so I told her to answer it!" I asked why she called me a horrible name and hung up on me. She didn't even know me. You said she got scared and didn't know what to do. Um, ok because it makes so much sense to get scared when someone asks for their husband and you get scared and uncontrollably just call his wife a name and hang up. That is completely logical! Guess what J, it actually isn't logical at ALL. I knew arguing about it would do nothing. I asked when you'd be done. You told me about twenty min. We hung up. Two hours go by, no word from you. I tried to just take my mind off of it and deal with the fact you were still not changing. I couldn't though. When you talked to me the night before and hugged me, I wanted so badly to just wake up that morning and have my J back.
Man I miss you so much today. I feel like everywhere I go I don't fit in, I don't click, I just don't have a place in this world. I know I really do somewhere, but once again I'm listening to satan. I just remember having days like this and all I'd need to do is call you or see you and I was ok. I felt so loved and accepted by you. You made me feel important and worthy to be myself. You always boosted my confidence. Where are you? I NEED you. I know I am worth more than I feel like I am, but just to have you hug me and so sincerely remind me of who I am. I shouldn't rely on that to feel of my worth but today it would sure help. I'm extremely worried. You've been missing now for over four weeks. Nobody knows if you're ok, if you're safe, or if you're even alive. I have nightmares every time I try to sleep about you. I had one last night where it was almost to a T a reenactment of the day I waited for you and found you at that trailer that I knew you hung out at because you called your brother to fix the AC there and I was able to find out where it was. I had already made you leave for the last time. You were staying at your mom's but were rarely there. This was only 9 short months ago. I was feeling hopeful that you were on the right track of wanting to get your life back, that you wanted to be a family still after I had talked with you the night before and you told me over and over again that was all you wanted. I believed you. I really thought that was true. You told me you'd call me the next day and we could get together to figure some things out. Again, I let my naive mind take over and I actually believed you would. I waited. No call. It was late afternoon and I decided I would finally call you. At this point you had somehow managed to buy a five hundred dollar car. You told me the car needed to get something fixed on it. I called your phone, a girl answers. What? I should have been used to events like this and not be so surprised, but I'd always let myself believe you were really trying. I asked for you. The girl started laughing and called me an obscene name then hung up. I did the normal routine and started blowing up your phone. I don't know how many times I called (I lost track after around eighty something) before you finally texted and said you were working on your car and couldn't talk because your hands were covered in grease. Um, ok but how could you text then? I asked you that. You replied, "oh here we go, I'll call you!!!". You called. You yelled when I asked who the girl was. You said she was the receptionist at the mechanics where you were getting your car fixed. I questioned why you were working on your car if you were having a mechanic fix it, and also asked how you could afford that. You told me it was a friend of yours and you were using his shop and tools. I asked why his receptionist would be answering your phone. You yelled, "Didn't you hear me I am covered in grease so I told her to answer it!" I asked why she called me a horrible name and hung up on me. She didn't even know me. You said she got scared and didn't know what to do. Um, ok because it makes so much sense to get scared when someone asks for their husband and you get scared and uncontrollably just call his wife a name and hang up. That is completely logical! Guess what J, it actually isn't logical at ALL. I knew arguing about it would do nothing. I asked when you'd be done. You told me about twenty min. We hung up. Two hours go by, no word from you. I tried to just take my mind off of it and deal with the fact you were still not changing. I couldn't though. When you talked to me the night before and hugged me, I wanted so badly to just wake up that morning and have my J back.
Addie had a party at a park in Bloomington for dance. I was on my way to take her. We drove down the freeway and conveniently the trailer you were known to hang out at is located right off the freeway in plain sight as you drive down. I looked over as we pass it. There in a parking lot of some brand new apartments built next to it is your car. I knew it was your car because it had the tags from the place you bought it (or where you said you bought it) in the license plate holders. I took Addie to her party and on my way back got off the exit near that trailer. I was grateful those apartments were built because it would be a lot less obvious parking in their parking lot and watching for you than in front of the trailer. I did just that. I was parked far enough away that I wasn't in plain sight from the trailer view, but I could see the trailer perfectly. I see your car still parked. I text you and ask if you're still working on your car. You actually replied and told me you were. I text back and said that it was funny because I was parked near your car and not one person was working on it and it wasn't even close to a mechanic shop. You didn't respond right away. I then see two girls come out of the trailer, one being the girl you swore was not your girlfriend. You call me. I lose it. I can't control the anger or any other crazy emotions. You tell me to calm down. You tell me you really were working on the car but you just barely left to go get a part for it with your friend. I reminded you that you told me it was being worked on at a mechanics shop. You then told me it was. You thought it was fixed so you drove your friend to that other guys house and when you went to leave it stopped running again. You then said someone else drove you back to the shop to get a part and that was where you were. I told you ok then I would just wait right there for you to get back. You were mad that I wanted to wait. You told me that you would just walk back because the shop was just down the road. I wondered why if it was so close, you had to take your friend to that trailer. Why couldn't he just walk? You were quick to think, but your lies never added up. I then see you walking up the street. You were extremely smooth at sneaking out of the trailer from the back and walking around so I wouldn't see you. You come get in the car. I just sat there. So did you. We didn't talk for what seemed like hours. Finally I said, "J, please stop. Just stop. I can't handle the crazy games you try to play with my mind." You looked shocked and said, "It doesn't matter what I tell you, you already have made up in your mind the way you think things are. You won't even listen to how they really are." There it was. The famous crazy-making phrase. You were impossible to talk to. You were good at making me feel like I was the crazy one, like things that I actually saw with my own eyes and heard with my own ears were not true. You always said I didn't know what I was talking about. I couldn't talk to you anymore. I was done. I told you I needed to leave. The rest of the night was a nightmare. I don't even want to write about it because it still makes my stomach sick to think about. I STILL feel like maybe I am crazy at times. I just can't wrap my head around how someone that treated me like a queen, that I had two children with, that NEVER spoke ill of me, that validated his love every single day, that I was married to for almost 13 years could do something like this to the person I thought you loved more than anything. I didn't just think you loved me, I FELT it! Am I crazy? Was I just lead to believe you loved me all of those years when you really didn't feel the way I thought? I don't know what to think anymore. I am so baffled.
To make it even worse, the last time I actually communicated with you, you were in jail. A few days before you were released. I didn't feel genuine love or concern for me or for the kids in any of your messages you sent. They were all still very self-centered. You didn't even ASK about your children. You told me to tell them you love them, but that is all. I don't know if I have mentioned this before on this blog, but the new system they have set up at the jail that allows you to communicate is actually very similar to Facebook. The way that you can post pictures, add people, post status updates, and like photos. It is actually very strange to me. You posted a couple of pictures of yourself. They were found in an album labeled "Jail". I don't know why you would want to post pictures of yourself in that situation in the first place, but under one of the pictures I saw one day it read, "[your girlfriend's name] likes this". My heart sank. Why I would ever think you would stop communicating with her while you were there, I don't know, but I did. So when I saw that it was extremely hard. So in the messages that were the last few I sent I questioned you for the BILLIONTH time about her. I asked what was going on with her. Again, you told me I assume things and don't really know. The very last message I wrote, at the end I wrote, "If you would rather choose the lifestyle you are living and this girl over myself and your kids, I will know if you don't respond to this message." I didn't get a response. Two days later you were released. Not one word from you for the week you were actually staying with your mom. And now you are missing. I found out just two days ago, a family member picked you and THIS GIRL up from somewhere and then you asked this person if you could take her to some house. I keep thinking that nothing could hurt anymore, that I am now so calloused toward this situation that no matter what happens, I couldn't possibly still hurt. I was wrong. It hurts beyond measure that you blatantly chose her, the lifestyle, the substance over me (yet again), but it KILLS me that you chose those things over Addie and Koleman. IT KILLS ME. It is so unfair. It is so heart breaking. They didn't ask for this. They just want you to be there for them, to love them, to have a dad that actually cares about them. It is SO unfair.
I know when I write on here my thoughts are all over the place, but one thing that I have felt as I have been able to release, in writing, my feelings, is I just need to hold on. I need to hold on tight. I can not let satan do this any longer. I have to stay strong. I have to stay faithful. I have to hold so tight to the gospel, to the commandments, to my values and standards. I can not let go even for one second. I will be ok because of this knowledge. I will be ok because of the strength this knowledge gives, because of the pure joy it brings. I need to hold on.
To make it even worse, the last time I actually communicated with you, you were in jail. A few days before you were released. I didn't feel genuine love or concern for me or for the kids in any of your messages you sent. They were all still very self-centered. You didn't even ASK about your children. You told me to tell them you love them, but that is all. I don't know if I have mentioned this before on this blog, but the new system they have set up at the jail that allows you to communicate is actually very similar to Facebook. The way that you can post pictures, add people, post status updates, and like photos. It is actually very strange to me. You posted a couple of pictures of yourself. They were found in an album labeled "Jail". I don't know why you would want to post pictures of yourself in that situation in the first place, but under one of the pictures I saw one day it read, "[your girlfriend's name] likes this". My heart sank. Why I would ever think you would stop communicating with her while you were there, I don't know, but I did. So when I saw that it was extremely hard. So in the messages that were the last few I sent I questioned you for the BILLIONTH time about her. I asked what was going on with her. Again, you told me I assume things and don't really know. The very last message I wrote, at the end I wrote, "If you would rather choose the lifestyle you are living and this girl over myself and your kids, I will know if you don't respond to this message." I didn't get a response. Two days later you were released. Not one word from you for the week you were actually staying with your mom. And now you are missing. I found out just two days ago, a family member picked you and THIS GIRL up from somewhere and then you asked this person if you could take her to some house. I keep thinking that nothing could hurt anymore, that I am now so calloused toward this situation that no matter what happens, I couldn't possibly still hurt. I was wrong. It hurts beyond measure that you blatantly chose her, the lifestyle, the substance over me (yet again), but it KILLS me that you chose those things over Addie and Koleman. IT KILLS ME. It is so unfair. It is so heart breaking. They didn't ask for this. They just want you to be there for them, to love them, to have a dad that actually cares about them. It is SO unfair.
I know when I write on here my thoughts are all over the place, but one thing that I have felt as I have been able to release, in writing, my feelings, is I just need to hold on. I need to hold on tight. I can not let satan do this any longer. I have to stay strong. I have to stay faithful. I have to hold so tight to the gospel, to the commandments, to my values and standards. I can not let go even for one second. I will be ok because of this knowledge. I will be ok because of the strength this knowledge gives, because of the pure joy it brings. I need to hold on.
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