Why?
After my last post, I really wanted to make the next one I wrote a really positive, uplifting post. Unfortunately, I am still not up to par on the positive side of things.
I was walking into Koleman's SEP (parent teacher conference) last night, and I get an email. Yep, it was from J. He acted like he is doing so great. Like, no big deal that our divorce will soon be final. He said he was getting his phone turned on soon and wanted to start talking to the kids on a regular basis. He asked how he wanted me for him to do that. Then he quickly ended by saying he was out of time and had to go. That's it. I just so badly want to feel any amount of remorse from him (Is that selfish?) But there isn't even an ounce that I feel. None. It feels more like, "I've moved on and don't need you in my life. And it is your fault that it is this way". Long story, but in a very round about way, someone was able to contact that girl he is living with for us. This was before I had received that email from him on Friday night. The girl pretty much confirmed that they are together. She reassured the person who contacted her that J is just fine. Why can't my heart distinguish the J that is on drugs and cares only about himself right now, from the J I fell head over heels for? Why, knowing that drugs do this to a person, do I feel so hurt and rejected all over again?
I thought I was done going through the grieving process. I'm going through some phases of it once again. I have been SO angry as I have read his emails. I just want to scream. Then the anger will diminish and the hurt sets in. It is such an intense feeling of hurt that I literally feel like it paralyzes me for a while. I don't want to move, think, or talk.
I started that post a couple of nights ago. Since then I emailed J back telling him that I'm leaving it completely up to the kids if they see him or not and that they both said they aren't ready for that. He responded saying that he just wants them to know they have a dad who's there if they want one. He said he is happy and on a good road right now. Ouch. That hurt so badly. He's happy? He basically just lost his family and now he's happy? I feel like my whole world just came crashing down. I have all these yucky feelings all the time now. Why? Why can't I be stronger and not feel like "poor me"? I don't necessarily feel sorry for myself, I just wonder why I'm not good enough.............
I was walking into Koleman's SEP (parent teacher conference) last night, and I get an email. Yep, it was from J. He acted like he is doing so great. Like, no big deal that our divorce will soon be final. He said he was getting his phone turned on soon and wanted to start talking to the kids on a regular basis. He asked how he wanted me for him to do that. Then he quickly ended by saying he was out of time and had to go. That's it. I just so badly want to feel any amount of remorse from him (Is that selfish?) But there isn't even an ounce that I feel. None. It feels more like, "I've moved on and don't need you in my life. And it is your fault that it is this way". Long story, but in a very round about way, someone was able to contact that girl he is living with for us. This was before I had received that email from him on Friday night. The girl pretty much confirmed that they are together. She reassured the person who contacted her that J is just fine. Why can't my heart distinguish the J that is on drugs and cares only about himself right now, from the J I fell head over heels for? Why, knowing that drugs do this to a person, do I feel so hurt and rejected all over again?
I thought I was done going through the grieving process. I'm going through some phases of it once again. I have been SO angry as I have read his emails. I just want to scream. Then the anger will diminish and the hurt sets in. It is such an intense feeling of hurt that I literally feel like it paralyzes me for a while. I don't want to move, think, or talk.
I started that post a couple of nights ago. Since then I emailed J back telling him that I'm leaving it completely up to the kids if they see him or not and that they both said they aren't ready for that. He responded saying that he just wants them to know they have a dad who's there if they want one. He said he is happy and on a good road right now. Ouch. That hurt so badly. He's happy? He basically just lost his family and now he's happy? I feel like my whole world just came crashing down. I have all these yucky feelings all the time now. Why? Why can't I be stronger and not feel like "poor me"? I don't necessarily feel sorry for myself, I just wonder why I'm not good enough.............
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