Somehow.....

Dear J,

     So it has almost been two weeks since you have been in jail yet again. In just the past two weeks alone you have missed out on so many amazing things, (not to mention the past three years). Addie had her first Sunday in Young Women last week. Then Wednesday she left for her first year at girls camp. I was fortunate enough to spend most of it with her. She was pretty nervous to go, but had so much fun. I went up the first day, but had to leave that night because I had an orientation at the school district for my internship this fall. It was such a fun day and evening. All of the girls were asked to leave their cell phones home. So Addie didn't have hers up there. I had my phone in the car. It would get little spurts of service. After we had dinner, I went to the car and saw that Addie was in it on my phone. Little rascal!! At some point that day I had received a text from someone that had recently seen you. Knowing that they had seen you I sent them a text asking how you were and how you looked. The person responded with a text that said, "Terrible. His teeth are brown and looking a lot worse. Has a skull tattoo on his whole left forearm. Sorry to tell you that." I noticed Addie had that text pulled up but quickly turned it off when I opened the car door. It may sound silly to some people, but that KILLED me when I first read it. A tattoo?! That broke my heart. Tattoos are so common anymore, but knowing how we have been asked by a prophet of our Father in Heaven to keep our bodies pure and clean from such things, and knowing that you also knew that, that hurt. That's what hurt the most among knowing that your girlfriend has many tattoos and thinking you are trying to fit this mold or lifestyle, and also that I'm sure tattoos cost quite a bit of money. Even if they aren't expensive, the fact that you would spend any money on something of that nature when I'm trying to figure out how to make it possible to be able to afford anything for the kids. Not only that it is permanent. If you ever do see the kids again, what will that do to them? All of these thoughts were going through my mind as I'm trying to not fall apart in front of all the people at camp and especially in front of Addie. I didn't know for sure that she had read the text right away, but figured out soon that she most likely did when her whole mood changed and she began clinging to me instead of having fun with the girls like she had been earlier.  When it was time for me to leave, she begged and begged to come with me. I wanted to take her so badly but knew the best thing for her would be for her to stay and surround herself with the amazing girls and leaders and to take her mind off of things. I talked to our Young Women president and told her what had happened. She was extremely sweet and took right over with Addie. I left her hesitantly, but knowing she was in amazing hands. I went back up Thursday evening and stayed the rest of the time. Friday night was testimony meeting. Every single girl bore their testimony except for Addie and one other. She went to stand up a couple of times but someone beat her to it both times. A lot of girls talked about trials they were experiencing in their families with sicknesses and would talk about how grateful they were that families are forever. I just sat there with tears uncontrollably falling thinking about how Addie could be feeling. She did lose her dad, but as of now we don't have the comfort of knowing we can be an eternal family. That was extremely hard to swallow and I couldn't find any comfort in the fact that this is our reality. After it was over I looked over to see her with tears streaming down her face. I tried talking to her but she wanted to ignore the fact that she was crying and once again bury the pain. 

     While at camp the second counselor in our bishopric asked Addie to speak in sacrament meeting today about her camp experience. We got home from camp and after showering and cleaning things up, I was exhausted. I laid down in the couch and took a nap. When I woke up Addie said she had written her talk and asked if she could read it to me and have me help her fix it. As she read it to me I sat there in complete awe. It was beautiful and she needed to not change one thing! Not only did I not write my own talks until I swear I was in college, but I never had the wisdom and insight she does at such a young age. Today as she gave her talk in sacrament meeting, I sat there once again thinking about how much you have given up. How much you have missed and will continue to miss out on.

     This evening I have had so much anger. I just can't believe all that has happened and you not even looking back, only continuing to hurt us with absolutely not one ounce of remorse. I am so blessed because I have all that matters, the most important things, except for one huge thing....... You. I just want so badly to turn my heart off and not even think about you anymore. 

     I don't know what will happen with you and your jail time, but somehow I hope and pray you can wake up. I hope that somehow you can remember who you are and who you were sent here to become. I hope you can remember how much your Heavenly Father loves you, and is just waiting for you to reach out for Him. Somehow......