Why today?

Dear J,

 I don't know if you know what today even is once again. 12 years ago today we brought our precious, beautiful, perfect little baby girl into the world. To be honest, I woke up this morning feeling a little uneasy. Although you've missed every other special day (Koley's birthday, Christmas, anything the kids were in or doing, etc.) the past year, I still had a tiny fear that maybe, just maybe, you would show up or call. I don't know why I would've thought that, but I did. I didn't hear from you personally, but I found out where you are. Addie woke up excited and so happy. We got donuts for breakfast, then went to Port of Subs for lunch. Addie really wanted to go to the House of Jump with some of her close friends too. So we met up with some friends and a couple of their moms who are my friends too. The kids were having a great time, and I was enjoying my visit with the other moms. I heard my phone ring. It was my brother. I just assumed he was wondering what the plan was for Addie's birthday since we always celebrate as a family in the evenings on everyone's birthdays. I answered. He said, "Hey An, I've got some news. I don't know if it's good or bad, but I'm sure you want to know. I felt prompted to check the bookings and J was arrested." I immediately started shaking. A whirlwind of emotions were going on inside and I didn't know what to think or how to feel exactly. I first felt relieved. I at least now knew where you were. Then it quickly went to anger and then right to sadness. I pulled up the bookings on my phone. There you were. It was actually the same mugshot they took the last time you were arrested. It didn't say exactly what you were arrested for (although I pretty much knew), it just listed warrants. I scroll down a little and there's your girlfriend that you swear up and down you don't have nor never did have a relationship with. You think I'd be used to this by now, that it would be no big deal anymore, this being your sixth time in jail, and third time you were arrested with her. But nope, unfortunately it felt like just one more kick to the stomach. It has now been three months since you were last seen by anyone. I honestly thought you ran for the border. I was sure you were no longer in the area. Crazy thing happened a couple of weeks ago that had me thinking that you were still possibly in town. It was around 10 on a Saturday night. I still needed to go to the store and get some groceries for Sunday dinner. Addie wanted to come with me. We go to Walmart. I get our groceries and check out. As Addie and I were walking to the exit, I look up and there is your girlfriend. I had never actually seen her in person, but have seen many pictures. My heart felt like it was going to stop. I didn't want her to see us......... So I started writing this last night and then literally I couldn't keep my eyes open. So after we saw her I said "Oh my goodness" out loud not even realizing I said it. Addie asked what was wrong. I told her nothing, that I was just thinking of something. I put the cart away and walked over to the Redbox and pretended I was looking at the movies so Addie couldn't tell what was happening and so I could see what she was doing. She was talking to some people close to the entrance. Addie and I went to the car. I didn't know what to think or how to feel.  Sure enough, you didn't leave town and you most certainly have a relationship with her no matter how much you try to convince me otherwise. The thing that hurts beyond explanation is when you were in jail last time and we were communicating (or more so I was trying to communicate with you) I asked you for the billionth time without beating around the bush if you had a relationship with her, if you even cared about the kids and I. You flat out told me you did not have a relationship with her and that you loved the kids and I more than anything. In The last message I sent you, I told you if were willing to fight for us by really trying to give up not only the horrible addiction that you have become a slave to, but if you didn't want anything to do with her as well, I would hear back from you telling me that. I told you if I didn't hear back from you, I would know where your heart really is.......... I never heard back from you. I'm an idiot. I understand that, but it's hard not to keep the hope alive of you loving me again. Of us being a family like I know we were meant to be. It's so hard.

 After I found out the news, I went outside and called your brother's wife whom I've heavily relied on through all of this to be a listening ear. I told her everything I found out. I was a bit startled when I felt an arm around me. When I turned to see who it was, my heart sank when I saw our beautiful birthday girl with tears in her eyes. Oh no. I allowed her to hear the horrible news. Another birthday for her that couldn't just be perfect. I quickly hung up and hugged her. I told her I was so sorry that she heard what she did. She wiped a quick tear away and tried to pretend it was just fine, that it was no big deal, and that it didn't matter. It matters J. She matters. We went back in and she wasn't the same. She kept coming over to me not really getting in and having fun with her friends. She didn't have the same happy glow she did only ten minutes prior. It definitely matters. My mind was at ease knowing you wouldn't unexpectedly show up, but my heart hurt for her. It hurts for Koleman. It hurts for you. Then of course I start replaying last year on her birthday. You had just seen the kids a couple of days prior on Father's Day. After Addie made such great strides to make things seem normal and ok that night with you, when it was really hard, she asked if you were coming for her birthday and you promised you wouldn't miss it. Well she woke up on her birthday excited and happy. Late that morning she asked me when you'd be there. I didn't know what to tell her, but I told her I wasn't quite sure. She asked me a few more times that morning and afternoon. We actually had a great day, and she was so happy. As the day wore on she stopped asking if you were coming. She knew how it had been with you for so long. We never knew when/if you would come to anything. We had her family party. My sister and her kids were here from New Mexico. She had some of her close friends here. It was around 9:00 that night and still, you hadn't even called. We were outside in the front watching the kids play and have a great time. Around 9:30 up pulls a car. You hop out of the passenger's seat. Looking unkempt and very sick. The trunk pops open and you pull out a big pink bag. Addie and my family were down the street a little ways. I walked over and wanted so badly to start just screaming. I kept my cool as best I could. You were acting so weird. You seemed completely zoned out. You were sweating, slurring your words, looking like you could barely keep your eyes open. You kept bending over clutching your side and saying you were trying to pass a kidney stone. I just stood there staring at you and what you had transformed into. I couldn't hold back the tears. My sweet brother walked over and gave you a very tight hug. He held you tight and sobbed. He kept saying over and over, "J, we love you. Please, J, Please get help. Please get help." No emotion from you. You just kept bending over clutching your side. You asked to have Addie come over because you had brought her a present. We went in the house and down to our room. You gave Addie a bag full of random items, earrings, markers, pens, just a bunch of random things. It was very odd. It tore my heart out as she pulled things out of the bag. It just made me realize how much you didn't even know her. She tried to put a smile on and was so sweet to thank you so much for all that you gave her. She acted like she couldn't get back outside fast enough. You were dripping sweat. You laid down on the bed and started shaking. It was horrible. You were so out of it. I sat next to the bed on the floor just watching you. You fell asleep, but kept shaking and doing odd things with your hands. My mom got the kids to sleep upstairs with the cousins. She came to check on me, and saw you were there asleep on my bed. She asked what I needed and I thanked her for getting the kids ready for bed. I sat up until 3 that morning just watching you shake almost like you were having convulsions every 10 minutes or so. Your body finally seemed to really relax. I fell asleep on the floor. The next morning you woke up and acted like nothing had happened. You called your friend to come get you and I don't even remember when it was I saw you next. That was the last time you have seen your two precious angels.
 I don't know how long you'll be in jail this time. I don't know if it will even come close to waking you up and making you realize what you have lost. It hasn't the five times you were there before, and I don't expect this time to be any different. One thing I know that will be different this time, is I will not in any way, shape, or form communicate with you. I won't. I can't. If you call or email. I will disregard. I have to be done. I HAVE to.