Permanent is forever.......
Dear J,
I don't even know what to say. I want to scream and yell at you until you can finally understand even a little bit what you have done and are doing to not only all that love you, but more importantly to yourself. At the same time I want to hug you and protect you from all of the evil that you choose to surround yourself with. Your life right now is a dead end. I don't want that for you. Why don't you see? Is your brain that messed up from all of the horrible substances you have put in your body? I don't understand. I know I probably never will understand. It makes no sense that you would actually choose to live your life this way. Really?
We had the opportunity to go up to Provo/Pleasant Grove this last weekend to watch your amazing, beautiful daughter dance at the Stadium of Fire. It was so much hard work. 26 hours of dancing in three days in the blazing hot sun. She would come home sun burned, sweaty, bloodshot eyes, and exhausted, but she couldn't wait to do it again the next day. I was beyond proud of her and watching her perform at a professional show like she did was beyond amazing. It was SO neat. Once again, you missed it.
I remember last year on the fourth of July. You had now been officially not living with us (not that you really did before anyway) for almost two months. The last time we saw you was Addie's birthday night which was a nightmare in and of itself. Once again, I didn't have much money but really wanted to go up north with my family for the Fourth of July just to get away from having to be reminded everywhere I turned of the complete hell that seemed to be what was my life at the time. And once again, my amazing parents made it possible for us to have the opportunity to do that. We stayed with my best friend in the whole world. We were having so much fun. The morning of the 4th Addie was able to run a race in Provo with her little cousins, that once again you weren't there to witness. After the race we were going to meet up with my family at the Provo parade. We weren't able to find where they were so the kids and I just watched it on our own. It was so much fun. Then we just spent the rest of the day together. I was in absolute heaven. We went to a water park that they loved, then out to dinner, then back to my friend's to watch fireworks and do sparklers. The kids were just getting ready to go outside to do them when my phone rang. It was a private number. I answered it. You were on the other end. "Hey what's goin on?" you said. " I didn't know what to say. I was mad, happy, relieved, and hurt all in one. You just waltz in and out of our lives and expect us to be ok with that. I NEVER knew what to expect with you. I replied with a very guarded tone, "We are about to go watch fireworks." You said, "Oh cool! Can I come meet you? Is it the same place we always go?" I told you we weren't in St.George, that we were in Pleasant Grove. You very rudely responded, "So you just leave and go up there? We always watch fireworks together. I was looking forward to coming and being with you guys." I wanted to reach through the phone and punch you. I wanted to scream, "REALLY J? REALLY?! You want to come when it is convenient for you. You don't care about us right now! You can't keep hurting us! Stay out of our lives!!" Surprisingly I was able to stay calm. I just told you I was sorry that we weren't there, but that I had no idea you would want to be with us. You yelled back at me that I should have known and that you are always with us on the fourth. I just calmly responded, "J, I never know what to expect with you. I apologize that you were planning on being with us, but I had no idea. Things are very different then they should be and used to be." You were still angry but told me it was ok and that you missed us. Apparently not badly enough to see your kids since Addie's birthday last year.
Tonight I just wanted to look on the website that I was able to communicate with you on when you were in jail last time. I wanted to see if I could see a picture of you and how you look now. I have been checking it every few days since you were arrested almost three weeks ago. It has been the same picture as last time, but tonight there was a new one. It was once again like a train wreck. It was so disturbing, yet I couldn't stop looking at it. Your eyes are dark, your hair slicked back, your beard, and the thing that killed me you were holding your left arm up across your chest showing off your brand new tattoo that covers your whole forearm. You have a little smile on your face. You look like you are so proud of your new life. Like this tattoo is the coolest thing ever. What are you trying to do J? What are you trying to prove? That you are so far gone you would actually want people to see such a thing, or that you would actually do something like that to your body in the first place? Are you trying to convince everyone that you're happy with your life and your choices? Are you trying to convince yourself? Are you proud of what you have become and where you are? That is what you look like you are trying to portray. J, you are going absolutely nowhere with these choices. The sad thing is, you are not only not progressing in this life, but think about where your choices will get you in the next life. Everywhere I look, it seems that things that should be sacred and held with the utmost respect, like our temple covenants, priesthood, callings in the church, our families, our morality, even the way some people are dressing not honoring our precious temple garments, these things are being taken for granted right and left. It is scary. We CAN NOT waver. We HAVE to stay strong on the Lord's side. There is no playing with fire because anymore the fire takes over and we lose control, just like what has happened with you. I hear about it I witness it, I even have my own battles staying strong on the Lord's side at times. It is definitely hard in the world we live in, but it is the only way to true EVERLASTING happiness. The ONLY way. Right now you've given that everlasting happiness up. It KILLS me. I don't want that for you. I LOVE you J. With all of my heart. Not only is this tattoo you now have going to be on your body for the rest of your mortal life, your choices will follow you not only in this life but beyond the grave if you don't turn to your Savior Who already paid the price for your choices, and put all of these burdens, sins, and temptations at His feet. I pray every single day that somehow, someway, you will realize before it's too late.
I don't even know what to say. I want to scream and yell at you until you can finally understand even a little bit what you have done and are doing to not only all that love you, but more importantly to yourself. At the same time I want to hug you and protect you from all of the evil that you choose to surround yourself with. Your life right now is a dead end. I don't want that for you. Why don't you see? Is your brain that messed up from all of the horrible substances you have put in your body? I don't understand. I know I probably never will understand. It makes no sense that you would actually choose to live your life this way. Really?
We had the opportunity to go up to Provo/Pleasant Grove this last weekend to watch your amazing, beautiful daughter dance at the Stadium of Fire. It was so much hard work. 26 hours of dancing in three days in the blazing hot sun. She would come home sun burned, sweaty, bloodshot eyes, and exhausted, but she couldn't wait to do it again the next day. I was beyond proud of her and watching her perform at a professional show like she did was beyond amazing. It was SO neat. Once again, you missed it.
I remember last year on the fourth of July. You had now been officially not living with us (not that you really did before anyway) for almost two months. The last time we saw you was Addie's birthday night which was a nightmare in and of itself. Once again, I didn't have much money but really wanted to go up north with my family for the Fourth of July just to get away from having to be reminded everywhere I turned of the complete hell that seemed to be what was my life at the time. And once again, my amazing parents made it possible for us to have the opportunity to do that. We stayed with my best friend in the whole world. We were having so much fun. The morning of the 4th Addie was able to run a race in Provo with her little cousins, that once again you weren't there to witness. After the race we were going to meet up with my family at the Provo parade. We weren't able to find where they were so the kids and I just watched it on our own. It was so much fun. Then we just spent the rest of the day together. I was in absolute heaven. We went to a water park that they loved, then out to dinner, then back to my friend's to watch fireworks and do sparklers. The kids were just getting ready to go outside to do them when my phone rang. It was a private number. I answered it. You were on the other end. "Hey what's goin on?" you said. " I didn't know what to say. I was mad, happy, relieved, and hurt all in one. You just waltz in and out of our lives and expect us to be ok with that. I NEVER knew what to expect with you. I replied with a very guarded tone, "We are about to go watch fireworks." You said, "Oh cool! Can I come meet you? Is it the same place we always go?" I told you we weren't in St.George, that we were in Pleasant Grove. You very rudely responded, "So you just leave and go up there? We always watch fireworks together. I was looking forward to coming and being with you guys." I wanted to reach through the phone and punch you. I wanted to scream, "REALLY J? REALLY?! You want to come when it is convenient for you. You don't care about us right now! You can't keep hurting us! Stay out of our lives!!" Surprisingly I was able to stay calm. I just told you I was sorry that we weren't there, but that I had no idea you would want to be with us. You yelled back at me that I should have known and that you are always with us on the fourth. I just calmly responded, "J, I never know what to expect with you. I apologize that you were planning on being with us, but I had no idea. Things are very different then they should be and used to be." You were still angry but told me it was ok and that you missed us. Apparently not badly enough to see your kids since Addie's birthday last year.Tonight I just wanted to look on the website that I was able to communicate with you on when you were in jail last time. I wanted to see if I could see a picture of you and how you look now. I have been checking it every few days since you were arrested almost three weeks ago. It has been the same picture as last time, but tonight there was a new one. It was once again like a train wreck. It was so disturbing, yet I couldn't stop looking at it. Your eyes are dark, your hair slicked back, your beard, and the thing that killed me you were holding your left arm up across your chest showing off your brand new tattoo that covers your whole forearm. You have a little smile on your face. You look like you are so proud of your new life. Like this tattoo is the coolest thing ever. What are you trying to do J? What are you trying to prove? That you are so far gone you would actually want people to see such a thing, or that you would actually do something like that to your body in the first place? Are you trying to convince everyone that you're happy with your life and your choices? Are you trying to convince yourself? Are you proud of what you have become and where you are? That is what you look like you are trying to portray. J, you are going absolutely nowhere with these choices. The sad thing is, you are not only not progressing in this life, but think about where your choices will get you in the next life. Everywhere I look, it seems that things that should be sacred and held with the utmost respect, like our temple covenants, priesthood, callings in the church, our families, our morality, even the way some people are dressing not honoring our precious temple garments, these things are being taken for granted right and left. It is scary. We CAN NOT waver. We HAVE to stay strong on the Lord's side. There is no playing with fire because anymore the fire takes over and we lose control, just like what has happened with you. I hear about it I witness it, I even have my own battles staying strong on the Lord's side at times. It is definitely hard in the world we live in, but it is the only way to true EVERLASTING happiness. The ONLY way. Right now you've given that everlasting happiness up. It KILLS me. I don't want that for you. I LOVE you J. With all of my heart. Not only is this tattoo you now have going to be on your body for the rest of your mortal life, your choices will follow you not only in this life but beyond the grave if you don't turn to your Savior Who already paid the price for your choices, and put all of these burdens, sins, and temptations at His feet. I pray every single day that somehow, someway, you will realize before it's too late.
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