It's Glorious...
I haven't posted on here for a long time! It has been a crazy whirlwind the past few months. I have been more busy than I ever have been in my entire life. I have been so busy in fact, that I didn't realize how much I have been putting aside. My scripture study has gone from study to reading and barely remembering what I read. Falling asleep when I'm saying my prayers. Missing Family Home Evening consistently. Not being as involved with the kids schoolwork as I should. Things that should be top on my priority list seem to slowly be falling through the cracks. With all of those important things that I haven't been doing, or not doing as well as I should be, I have realized something just in the past week...
There is one more thing that, although I have been telling myself I haven't wanted or needed, I have been realizing how much I actually do. Tonight as I was sitting in my classroom trying to get some work done, I was actually reflecting on where I am in life right now. I finished school, got a job, am starting to be able to be more self-sufficient and provide better for the kids and I, and we will soon be able to move to our own house. I was doing all I could to just focus and get the billion and ten things done for school this coming week that I needed to. I just couldn't get one big thing off of my mind...a feeling that I can't bury like I was able to even a week ago. I have overwhelming feelings of wanting that companionship I once had when I was married. I know that at this point, the man that I always felt was supposed to be my eternal companion is not and won't be. So I have been focusing on my own life, and my kids and all they are doing. My problem now is not only do I have some major insecurities about not feeling good enough, or not being able to trust, but I carry a label that makes others hesitant to even want to talk to me. The label of being "divorced" seems to cause people to run the other way and not look back. I also have my two greatest blessings that have and always will be number one, and that is oft times a reason that causes hesitations in situations like mine. I was listening to David Archuletta's song "Glorious". It's one of my favorites. As I was really paying attention to the lyrics, they made me feel as if at this moment they were written just for me:
"There are times when you might feel aimless
You can't see the places where you belong
But you will find that there is a purpose
It's been there within you all along and when you're near it
You can almost hear it.
It's like a symphony just keep listening
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious"
There is one more thing that, although I have been telling myself I haven't wanted or needed, I have been realizing how much I actually do. Tonight as I was sitting in my classroom trying to get some work done, I was actually reflecting on where I am in life right now. I finished school, got a job, am starting to be able to be more self-sufficient and provide better for the kids and I, and we will soon be able to move to our own house. I was doing all I could to just focus and get the billion and ten things done for school this coming week that I needed to. I just couldn't get one big thing off of my mind...a feeling that I can't bury like I was able to even a week ago. I have overwhelming feelings of wanting that companionship I once had when I was married. I know that at this point, the man that I always felt was supposed to be my eternal companion is not and won't be. So I have been focusing on my own life, and my kids and all they are doing. My problem now is not only do I have some major insecurities about not feeling good enough, or not being able to trust, but I carry a label that makes others hesitant to even want to talk to me. The label of being "divorced" seems to cause people to run the other way and not look back. I also have my two greatest blessings that have and always will be number one, and that is oft times a reason that causes hesitations in situations like mine. I was listening to David Archuletta's song "Glorious". It's one of my favorites. As I was really paying attention to the lyrics, they made me feel as if at this moment they were written just for me:
"There are times when you might feel aimless
You can't see the places where you belong
But you will find that there is a purpose
It's been there within you all along and when you're near it
You can almost hear it.
It's like a symphony just keep listening
And pretty soon you'll start to figure out your part
Everyone plays a piece and there are melodies
In each one of us, oh, it's glorious"
Although I've accomplished so much that I've been working for, I still feel "aimless". Like something is missing. As much as I've been trying to convince myself otherwise, something's not there. But I also know that as the chorus in that song says, "pretty soon I'll start to figure out my part. Everyone plays a piece, and there are melodies in each one of us."
I honestly can't believe I'm writing these feelings on social media. But I need to write. This is my out. My place to let all my feelings out. I know there is a plan for me. I know the Lord has orchestrated and will continue to orchestrate how and when this missing piece will fall into place. Maybe it won't be soon, maybe it won't even be in this life, but knowing He is in charge and making sure my faith in Him does not ever waiver, I know that is what is supposed to be.
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