Why?
Dear J,
Today as I had the opportunity to spend the whole day with our two amazing, beautiful, precious kids I couldn't help but miss you more than usual. Then I just kept thinking to myself, how? How can you so easily give up the most precious gift, ever that of being a dad? Not just a dad, but a dad to these two absolutely AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, spirits that we were so generously trusted to raise? How can you just walk away from that and not look back? How can you just give up the pure joy they bring? I just sat watching them as they swam, missing when we used to take them to the pool all the time. They LOVED so much when you'd play with them! You would be sore by the time we left from them constantly saying, "Dad throw me in the water!!!" Then a whole flood of memories started to overtake my mind. I started thinking about the Mother's Day movies you made for me with pictures of the kids. Those have been my favorite gifts ever! Now it is too painful to watch them. Or how we would go on drives every night to get the kids to sleep when they were little and we would have the best talks. You were always so tender with me. If I ever was having a bad day, I knew I could count on you to cheer me up. If my feelings were ever hurt, even if I was just being too sensitive, you were ready to give an ear full to whoever made me feel bad. I miss how you used to hug me and always say, "An where did you go? I could of sworn you were just here." Because you would tower over me being exactly a foot taller than me. You were the most patient, loving, giving husband that I ever heard of. I remember when things started getting different. You still were so patient and loving, but seemed more distant. You always seemed checked out a bit. When you went to North Dakota, I knew for sure you weren't the same when I called you hysterical when you were driving up there for the first time. We tried so long to have another baby. I wanted one so badly. After four miscarriages and then just not being able to get pregnant for a long time, I finally found out I was pregnant!! I only knew for six short days and when I lost the baby the day you left, it was devastating. I felt like my world was crashing all around me. My husband was gone and I was having to deal with this loss without him. I called you. You didn't seem very emotional about it. You told me how sorry you were and that you loved me so much, but it just wasn't the same J I was married to. That J, I swear, would have made his boss turn around and come home to be with me, even if I didn't want him to or ask him to. I wondered why. Why didn't you seem as upset as I was about this? Why did you treat me differently than before? I sat there thinking about this, and then my mind did a quick fast forward to how it just progressively went from that, to where you have been this past year and a half. I then remembered one morning in particular. Again, I saw your cell phone sitting on the counter in the kitchen. You were in the bathroom. You always stayed in the bathroom FOREVER (now I know why). I looked at the texts. There was a text that only had a number identifying who sent it. I opened it. It read, "Hey it's Shantel. You in on the goods?" What and who was this all about??? Your response read, "I'm broke a**. I wish I could." What in the heck? You finally came out of the bathroom. "Who's Shantel?" I asked. Again, you came unglued that I had read your texts. "OH MY GOSH AN!!! WHY DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN JUST READ ALL OF MY TEXTS???!!!" I said, "J, I have no idea what is going on with you. I never know where you go, who you're with, what you're doing, and why you seem like a completely different person. I read your texts because I don't know what else to do. You don't tell me anything anymore. You are always sneaking around and seem like you always have something to hide." "I tell you everything! You know everything about me! I am not hiding a thing", you responded. I didn't argue. I just asked again, "Who is Shantel?" You told me she was the secretary at your "office" (that I NEVER saw or even found an address for). You told me she was just asking if you wanted her to get breakfast for you because she was for the rest of the people in the office. I, to this day, never found out who this girl really was or what was really going on there, but I do know for a fact that there was never an office, a secretary, or even a job for that matter. I thought about that, the girl I first found out about, the girl you were/are most recently with, and other girls that I know you were communicating with but just don't know for sure what the relationship to them is or was, and even now, I can't believe it. I was CONVINCED you would NEVER EVER EVER cheat on me. I KNEW you only wanted me and only loved me. Was I wrong even back then? Did you ever really feel the way about me that I was led to believe you did? Was I just a last resort when it came to getting married? Were you just desperate to get married as fast as you could to get back at your girlfriend that was supposed to be waiting for you, but got married herself when you were on your mission? I just don't get it. WHY? I felt as though there were never or could never be any two people more in love than we were. I always was in awe of the amazing relationship and connection that we had. I NEVER had a better friend than you. You were EVERYTHING. I thought you felt that way about me too. I don't get it. If you really did feel that way, how could you so EASILY just give up and throw our marriage away? You have told me every time I have talked to you (which is VERY little) since I made you leave almost a year ago, that I left you, you didn't leave me. J, you left me a LONG time ago. You chose to stay home from many things we were doing as a family. You chose to leave all the time, and not be with the kids and I so much that I felt like I have been a single mom for not only 6 months, but three years. All the times I was the only one at Addie's dance competitions. All the times I was the only one there to hear Koleman give a talk in primary, or receive an award at school. All the times I was the only one there to read scriptures with them and say family prayer before bed. All the times it was just the three of us going to the pool, a movie, or playing outside together. All of these times I am thinking of, you CHOSE not to be a part. I don't even know where you were. I just know where you said you were going. What about the time I was crying so badly I couldn't breathe and literally felt like I was going insane, you left anyway. You "HAD to hurry to see your mom", and then when I called her house after you wouldn't answer your phone to have her tell me she hadn't seen you at all. If it is a fact that you didn't feel like I thought you felt about me, why the kids? How can you just give up? They are worth fighting for J. They are SO worth it. They deserve a dad. They deserve TWO parents that love and care for them. They deserve to know they have a dad that cares about them. When I have talked to you the very few times I have in the last year, occasionally, you will tell me to tell them you love them. I used to. I used to tell them every single day. The past few months I just can't bring myself to. I KNOW you love them. I know deep down somewhere beneath all that is most important to you right now, you care about them. But I can't tell them you love them, even though I know you do. I can't because I feel like to them it will only be a slap in the face. To them they don't feel the love. Love isn't walking away and not ever talking to them or even making an effort to. Love isn't showing up the very last time they saw you almost one year ago completely high after your little girl waited all day on her birthday for her dad to be with her. Love isn't disregarding them at Christmas or on Koleman's birthday. Love isn't only making an effort to write a letter to Addie once because you were in jail, and telling her you are changing for her because she is worth it, only to get out of jail and turn right back to who knows what and be missing yet again. If I would have read that letter to her, what would she think now? That she really isn't worth it because you are not changing. You didn't even try to contact us for the week you were at your mom's when you were released. Now you've been missing yet again, for almost three weeks. Please help me understand! I just don't know why? Is it because you like this lifestyle? Is it solely because of the drugs and the impact they've caused on your thinking? Is it because you just assume you're so far gone there's no coming back? ANYONE can come back. He loves us all. He paid the price for us ALL. We just need to seek Him and take the steps to become clean again! I love you so much J. You are amazing. Please don't give up on all that is good and worth it in this life. Please. I just don't understand. Please help me understand. I'll always love you. You're worth it.
Today as I had the opportunity to spend the whole day with our two amazing, beautiful, precious kids I couldn't help but miss you more than usual. Then I just kept thinking to myself, how? How can you so easily give up the most precious gift, ever that of being a dad? Not just a dad, but a dad to these two absolutely AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, spirits that we were so generously trusted to raise? How can you just walk away from that and not look back? How can you just give up the pure joy they bring? I just sat watching them as they swam, missing when we used to take them to the pool all the time. They LOVED so much when you'd play with them! You would be sore by the time we left from them constantly saying, "Dad throw me in the water!!!" Then a whole flood of memories started to overtake my mind. I started thinking about the Mother's Day movies you made for me with pictures of the kids. Those have been my favorite gifts ever! Now it is too painful to watch them. Or how we would go on drives every night to get the kids to sleep when they were little and we would have the best talks. You were always so tender with me. If I ever was having a bad day, I knew I could count on you to cheer me up. If my feelings were ever hurt, even if I was just being too sensitive, you were ready to give an ear full to whoever made me feel bad. I miss how you used to hug me and always say, "An where did you go? I could of sworn you were just here." Because you would tower over me being exactly a foot taller than me. You were the most patient, loving, giving husband that I ever heard of. I remember when things started getting different. You still were so patient and loving, but seemed more distant. You always seemed checked out a bit. When you went to North Dakota, I knew for sure you weren't the same when I called you hysterical when you were driving up there for the first time. We tried so long to have another baby. I wanted one so badly. After four miscarriages and then just not being able to get pregnant for a long time, I finally found out I was pregnant!! I only knew for six short days and when I lost the baby the day you left, it was devastating. I felt like my world was crashing all around me. My husband was gone and I was having to deal with this loss without him. I called you. You didn't seem very emotional about it. You told me how sorry you were and that you loved me so much, but it just wasn't the same J I was married to. That J, I swear, would have made his boss turn around and come home to be with me, even if I didn't want him to or ask him to. I wondered why. Why didn't you seem as upset as I was about this? Why did you treat me differently than before? I sat there thinking about this, and then my mind did a quick fast forward to how it just progressively went from that, to where you have been this past year and a half. I then remembered one morning in particular. Again, I saw your cell phone sitting on the counter in the kitchen. You were in the bathroom. You always stayed in the bathroom FOREVER (now I know why). I looked at the texts. There was a text that only had a number identifying who sent it. I opened it. It read, "Hey it's Shantel. You in on the goods?" What and who was this all about??? Your response read, "I'm broke a**. I wish I could." What in the heck? You finally came out of the bathroom. "Who's Shantel?" I asked. Again, you came unglued that I had read your texts. "OH MY GOSH AN!!! WHY DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN JUST READ ALL OF MY TEXTS???!!!" I said, "J, I have no idea what is going on with you. I never know where you go, who you're with, what you're doing, and why you seem like a completely different person. I read your texts because I don't know what else to do. You don't tell me anything anymore. You are always sneaking around and seem like you always have something to hide." "I tell you everything! You know everything about me! I am not hiding a thing", you responded. I didn't argue. I just asked again, "Who is Shantel?" You told me she was the secretary at your "office" (that I NEVER saw or even found an address for). You told me she was just asking if you wanted her to get breakfast for you because she was for the rest of the people in the office. I, to this day, never found out who this girl really was or what was really going on there, but I do know for a fact that there was never an office, a secretary, or even a job for that matter. I thought about that, the girl I first found out about, the girl you were/are most recently with, and other girls that I know you were communicating with but just don't know for sure what the relationship to them is or was, and even now, I can't believe it. I was CONVINCED you would NEVER EVER EVER cheat on me. I KNEW you only wanted me and only loved me. Was I wrong even back then? Did you ever really feel the way about me that I was led to believe you did? Was I just a last resort when it came to getting married? Were you just desperate to get married as fast as you could to get back at your girlfriend that was supposed to be waiting for you, but got married herself when you were on your mission? I just don't get it. WHY? I felt as though there were never or could never be any two people more in love than we were. I always was in awe of the amazing relationship and connection that we had. I NEVER had a better friend than you. You were EVERYTHING. I thought you felt that way about me too. I don't get it. If you really did feel that way, how could you so EASILY just give up and throw our marriage away? You have told me every time I have talked to you (which is VERY little) since I made you leave almost a year ago, that I left you, you didn't leave me. J, you left me a LONG time ago. You chose to stay home from many things we were doing as a family. You chose to leave all the time, and not be with the kids and I so much that I felt like I have been a single mom for not only 6 months, but three years. All the times I was the only one at Addie's dance competitions. All the times I was the only one there to hear Koleman give a talk in primary, or receive an award at school. All the times I was the only one there to read scriptures with them and say family prayer before bed. All the times it was just the three of us going to the pool, a movie, or playing outside together. All of these times I am thinking of, you CHOSE not to be a part. I don't even know where you were. I just know where you said you were going. What about the time I was crying so badly I couldn't breathe and literally felt like I was going insane, you left anyway. You "HAD to hurry to see your mom", and then when I called her house after you wouldn't answer your phone to have her tell me she hadn't seen you at all. If it is a fact that you didn't feel like I thought you felt about me, why the kids? How can you just give up? They are worth fighting for J. They are SO worth it. They deserve a dad. They deserve TWO parents that love and care for them. They deserve to know they have a dad that cares about them. When I have talked to you the very few times I have in the last year, occasionally, you will tell me to tell them you love them. I used to. I used to tell them every single day. The past few months I just can't bring myself to. I KNOW you love them. I know deep down somewhere beneath all that is most important to you right now, you care about them. But I can't tell them you love them, even though I know you do. I can't because I feel like to them it will only be a slap in the face. To them they don't feel the love. Love isn't walking away and not ever talking to them or even making an effort to. Love isn't showing up the very last time they saw you almost one year ago completely high after your little girl waited all day on her birthday for her dad to be with her. Love isn't disregarding them at Christmas or on Koleman's birthday. Love isn't only making an effort to write a letter to Addie once because you were in jail, and telling her you are changing for her because she is worth it, only to get out of jail and turn right back to who knows what and be missing yet again. If I would have read that letter to her, what would she think now? That she really isn't worth it because you are not changing. You didn't even try to contact us for the week you were at your mom's when you were released. Now you've been missing yet again, for almost three weeks. Please help me understand! I just don't know why? Is it because you like this lifestyle? Is it solely because of the drugs and the impact they've caused on your thinking? Is it because you just assume you're so far gone there's no coming back? ANYONE can come back. He loves us all. He paid the price for us ALL. We just need to seek Him and take the steps to become clean again! I love you so much J. You are amazing. Please don't give up on all that is good and worth it in this life. Please. I just don't understand. Please help me understand. I'll always love you. You're worth it.
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