Blindsided...

 D and I had our first therapy session. I felt it went pretty well. As I processed the session, I realized that it was mostly about me and all the things I need to work on. My triggers, anxiety, fears, etc. I did bring up how it felt to me that he seemed to be so intertwined with his ex wife still. I told him about the pictures of her displayed in his home. He asked D some questions about him really doing some healing work after his divorce. He asked if he was able to really get to a good place with the reality of his ex wife petitioning for divorce. D told him that one of the gifts he has is that of eminent coping skills. He said that he most definitely did not have feelings for his ex wife and was completely over her. That they just have an amicable, friendly relationship. The therapist reached out a couple of times in the session offering to do individual therapy sessions with him. He would just step over his offer. I was coming to know that he was really good at that. He talked with a lot of intellect and would never really directly answer my questions or address certain issues, but by the way he would articulate things, it made it seem as though he did. I would always feel a little dumb not understanding what he was saying. I actually did get to the point where I would tell him to please answer things directly. But somehow it still would be the same scenario. 

Back in October when it was my fall break for school, D told me that he wanted to plan something fun for my spring break. As it was approaching, we didn't really have plans to do anything. One day I was out at recess duty and I got a text from D. He said that his daughter that was the one renting his house, and her husband wanted to go to Maui for spring break and asked if I wanted to go. There were so many reasons this was difficult. Of course I would want to go to Maui, but I am a teacher. I have to plan for things like this, budget accordingly and save to be able to afford things like that. I don't have the income like a lot of people to just go on the fly. My spring break was two weeks away. I couldn't just drop thousands of dollars on a trip to Maui. I told him this, and I knew he was a little bothered. He said that his daughter was counting on going somewhere. I was wondering why he was so worried about making sure his daughter, who was now married and not a student with a spring break, went on a big trip somewhere. It was so odd to me. He was always dropping everything to make sure his adult kids were able to travel all over and do so many different things like sporting events, concerts, excursions. I told him I was ok with just going to Arizona to see some spring training games. I love sports and would be completely stoked to go and do that. Again, he seemed bothered. He was on his phone and computer daily doing all he could to get a trip somewhere for his daughter. I kept asking him what he wanted to do for my spring break and even told him I was content to just stay in Saint George or go to Northern Utah. He never really solidified what he wanted to do. It was fast approaching and I just wanted to know what to plan for. I asked him again one day and he was frustrated because he said he had me and his daughter breathing down his neck about spring break trips. I was so confused? I wasn't harping on him to go anywhere. I even told him we could just stay home and do something. I just wanted to know what to plan for and make a plan together. He finally said that we should just go to Arizona to the spring training games. I was excited! That was my type of spring break! We went and it was a great time. I loved it and my son had a good time too. 

I noticed he was still working hard to book a trip for his daughter and her husband which I thought was so odd that he was giving so much time and energy to this when they were married adults. One day he told me that the only options he could find with his time shares were now in Mexico because everything else was booked and he was going to book a trip there. By the way he talked it made it sound like he was going with them. I asked if he was going. He said there was no way he could with taking time off for my spring break.  

A couple of weeks later, he was talking about the trip again. Once again it made it sound like he was going. This time when I asked, he said he would like to go. I told him there was no way I could take time off again to go. I had taken so much time off with the passing of my mom and being sick and having to quarantine. He told me it was ok, I could go next time. So he was going to go with them even if I couldn't? He told me he wasn't sure. I asked when he was thinking of going and he said the first part of May was looking like the best option. I asked if there was any way he could make sure he was here with me on Mother's Day. It was going to be a hard day and time for me and I would love his support and to be with me. He told me he would make sure it wasn't over Mother's Day if he did end up going.

A few days later he came into the room and told me he booked the trip. I asked if he was going because he still was not giving a definitive answer. He said yes, he had booked a trip for the three of them. I asked the dates and he said May 6th through May 13th... "D," I said, "Mother's Day is May 8th." I looked at him and was trying not to cry. It wasn't even the fact he wouldn't be here that day, but more so that I asked him directly if he would be here with me on Mother's Day. Just like I asked if he would stay home from Portland and be with me when my mom was getting extremely sick and I was so worried. And he ended up going anyway, when she passed two days after he got back. He didn't care. It was always about doing what was the most exciting and most glamorous thing for him. It didn't matter what else was going on as long as he had what he wanted. I said, “You do know Mother’s Day is the 8th?” He responded with a lot of sarcasm, “Oh I’m sorry. There wasn’t a notification that popped up saying ‘don’t book for this week. It’s Mother’s Day.” I just looked at him with so much hurt, anger, and shock on my face I’m sure. I could feel the tears coming. I just couldn’t believe first of all, he didn’t give any regard to that, but also the fact he was being so rude about it. It was a very hard thing to swallow, but again, I just told myself to stop being so irrational. Stop expecting so much from him. He should be able to do what he wants when he wants. I need to stop asking for so much. 

The anxiety in our relationship wasn't easing. It was almost getting worse. What in the world was wrong with me? He was so patient, did so many nice things for me, and made me feel like he was so in love with me. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I kept attributing it to my marriage/divorce and also the previous three year on/off relationship. 

The first week of April I knew D had a business trip planned to go to San Fransisco. He was supposed to fly out on April 5th and be back on the 7th. The weekend prior we had such a great weekend. We were so happy and just felt more in love than ever. The Sunday before he was supposed to leave that Tuesday, we were with my family and my daughter's in laws having dinner and playing games. It was a great night. I heard D over talking to my brother. My brother asked when he was leaving. I heard him say he was leaving the next day and coming home that Friday. He was flying out of Salt Lake and so would have to drive up to northern Utah. I was so confused. He never told me that. I thought he was just leaving that Tuesday and coming back Thursday. I just didn't understand why he was so inconsistent with things and he would tell me one thing and then do it differently. Our plans over Thanksgiving, his grandma's birthday weekend, spring break, going to Mexico, this...it gave me anxiety. I never knew what to really expect. I told him that and it became a sore subject. He told me he shouldn't have to answer to me with every little thing he did. He should have the autonomy to do the things he wanted. What was I doing? Again, it was me causing issues. Why couldn't I just relax and be content. Just go with the flow. He left the next day. I texted him and said, "Are we good?" I was always worried about that. He texted back "Babe, we are soooooo good! I love you so much!" Ok, it would be ok. I shouldn't worry. He also texted some other things throughout the day telling me how much he loved me, that he was committed to us and our future, how grateful he was for me. The next day it was the same. I was still extremely anxious and didn't know why. He was flying out to San Fransisco that afternoon. While he was at the airport we were texting back and forth. One of the texts he sent me was that he wanted to maximize time at my dad's house so that we could be ready to put money down on a lot to build or to put toward a house. He said that we needed to really think about our future. He told me he loved me. I responded that I loved him too. A little bit later I texted him and he didn't respond. I just figured he was on the flight. Which he was. Around 6 that evening he texted me, "Got here safely. Traffic is horrible." I responded and told him that I loved him and was so glad he was there safely. I asked if we could still talk on the phone that night as we had talked about doing previously. I knew he had a dinner planned with his team and would be busy. He told me we could but that it would be late especially because they were an hour behind us. I told him I still wanted to. At around ten that night I was getting pretty tired. I checked his location and could see he was at some type of a restaurant. So I just texted him and told him I was tired and going to get ready for bed. I could see he read the text, but he didn't respond which was fine because I knew he was with his colleagues. It took a while as I was finishing up some things and getting ready for bed by the time I finally actually got in bed. I checked his location again and saw he was at a hotel. I figured he was done with dinner and thought it would be safe to call. So I did. No answer. I texted and apologized telling him I thought it would be ok to call but was sorry if I interrupted. He read the text, no response. I waited a bit longer, about 30 minutes. I texted and asked if he could talk. He responded "yes". I called. No answer. I called again. No answer. I waited a little longer. I asked if he was ok. He read the text. No response. I called again. No answer. I texted, "D, are you ok?" He read it, no response. I texted again, "please call me when you can." He read the text, no response. I waited another thirty minutes. Texted again, "D, I'm a little worried. Are you ok?" This time the text just delivered. He didn't respond or read it. I struggled sleeping. What was going on? It was also triggering because in my previous relationship, he did this to me all the time and I had some evidence that he wasn't being faithful. I was so anxious.

The next morning I got ready for school. There was no call or text from him. I just let it be and tried to not annoy him. Finally around 8 that morning I got a text from him that read, "Good morning. Of course I am ok. Have a good day." No other explanation. It was also so unlike him. Usually he was so much more loving and endearing when he texted me. I responded and told him good morning. Then I asked if he was ok with me. He responded, "I am still trying to figure out why you were blowing up my phone after telling me you were going to bed, but otherwise, ok." What? He told me we could talk on the phone. He told me we could talk when I texted him. Then I was ignored. I told him that. He said he went to bed early. I was so confused. He was reading all of my texts and was at the restaurant until at least 10:30. I asked this time if WE were ok. He responded really short told me he was showering and going to eat breakfast. He disregarded my question. I asked it again, "D are WE ok?" He responded, "We're ok. Have a good day at school." I tried to give him his space all day and not reach out. I did text him when I knew it was time for him to do a presentation he was a little nervous about and I told him how amazing he was and how proud I was of him and he would do great. I didn't hear from him until five that evening. He told me the presentation went well, but that he wasn't feeling like he and his boss gelled very well. I told him to just be himself and relax and his boss would see how great he was. The next text I got was this, "I don't have time to talk about this now, or any time tonight, but I feel strongly that I need to move back up north. Please try to be rational and not freak out." My stomach dropped. What in the world was happening??? I asked him if he was done. He said he wasn't, but that we needed to have our own space. I was SO confused. Just the day before he was telling me how much he loved me, that he was committed to us and our future, that we needed to maximize time at my dad's so we could buy a lot or a home. What in the world? Then he wouldn't even let me talk to him about it and it was through a text? I was beside myself. I texted him a big long text regardless of him saying he wouldn't talk about it telling him my thoughts. He didn't really respond much. He told me that his company was hosting a happy hour for their clients that night and a dinner. I just couldn't wrap my head around this. 

The next day he was flying home. He wouldn't talk to me very much through text and not at all on the phone. I did know he was traveling. I asked if he could please call me after he got home. I checked his location at one point and saw he was home. I called. No answer. He did call me a little later. He told me that maybe he just needed the weekend to think about it and clear his head but that he couldn't handle my "tantrums" anymore. That he was just not bringing me happiness. I told him that if he was done, to just please tell me. His response, "Ok, yes I am done." He told me he would come get his stuff that weekend but no contact until then. He was going to be with his cousins all weekend and he would come get his stuff Sunday. I was a mess. What was happening? This was all my fault. If I wasn't so anxious. If I didn't feel bad about such stupid things. I was so hard to be with. I caused so many issues. Why could I not just relax and be normal? Why couldn't I just go with the flow when he went to Portland when my mom was sick? I would be ok on Mother's Day without him, why did I make such a big deal about that? I was a mess. I just kept beating myself up over and over. 

Sunday he came. He got his stuff. He talked to me for a little bit, but it wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't finding any answers. Nothing made sense. He just told me that he couldn't live here anymore. He packed up his car. It was April 10th. That was the last time I saw him. It was all me. I was crazy. I ruined everything. If I just wouldn't have questioned him about leaving for longer than he originally had said for this work trip. I pushed him too far. I was still so confused at all he was telling me the day before, and even the day of, when he got stone cold with me. That he was committed to us and our future. How could he say those things, show me he loved me, tell me we were going to get married, build or buy a home, tell me how grateful he was for me, and then this? It didn't make sense. I would never understand. Until it all started to actually make sense...