Choices...

I have been asked on different occasions if I had the opportunity to change my life circumstances would I? It is a loaded question for me. I can genuinely say that I wouldn't. I can also genuinely say that I wouldn't ever want to experience a lot of things I have gone through again. As cliche as it may sound, the things that I have learned, the strength I have gained, and the refinement I have gone through are things that are invaluable and have given me the opportunity to gain the attributes that I most likely wouldn't have had I not experienced so many different circumstances. There are a lot of reasons why I don't see myself being as strong and capable as I am now had I not gone through the trials I have gone through. 

Growing up, I had the most amazing life. I had parents that loved each other the way anyone dreams of being loved by a spouse/partner. They were both extremely faithful, supportive, self-less. My mom especially loved so much that, often, she would do all that she could to make it so we didn't have to suffer. She wanted to take upon herself any of the pain, heartaches, stress, disappointments, etc. instead of having to watch my siblings and I go through hard things. She loved so much. So much more than I think is even humanly possible, but it was to the extent that she wasn't giving us the opportunity to learn to navigate through hard things on our own. She wanted to "fix" everything for us. She truly was/is the most amazing mom that I could have ever asked for. She was so incredibly loving that she didn't realize that it was a disservice to us to not have ample opportunities to work through difficult situations. Not empowering us to navigate difficulties on our own without "fixing" things for us. I don't think that parents should just throw their children out to the wolves to fend for themselves without any guidance or support, but at the same time, encouraging your children to navigate through difficulties on their own, knowing that they have your support as you give them some guidance, will empower them to face things head on. We all do the best we can as parents. I have made more parenting mistakes than probably most. I am the first to (not so proudly) admit that. Learning to develop resilience and healthy coping skills has been a process for me. As silly as it may sound, I have really had to go back to the basics to learn these skills. I have had to face some major hardships as an adult while learning these skills rather then learning them as a small child. 

We all experience heartache in one way or another. We all go through things that can be almost more than we can bear at times. What I have learned through my life experiences is that as we do experience difficulties in life, it is not what has been done to us, not how horrible other people are, not how "picked" on we are, but how we choose to rise above these challenges. I have found myself often in a victim mentality. I have had nights where I am literally shouting to God asking Him why he allows me to continue to experience so much pain. Why am I not feeling any respite? Why do I always encounter these people that only bring heartache and pain into my life? In those moments, those feelings are so real. They seem so legitimate and I feel so overwhelmed and distraught with these emotions of hopelessness. It is when I step back from that mentality. When instead I look not at the people that have hurt me, the situations that have caused pain, and the choices of others, and I look within. I evaluate my own choices, my own actions, and my own mindset. It is such a fine line. I, like almost everyone of the human race, am my own worst critic. I have really been learning what self compassion is, what it looks like, and how to have it for myself. So when I am going through overwhelming feelings of despair where I feel like I literally can't take one more thing, I try to validate those feelings instead of being angry at myself for not being stronger. I need to understand why they are at the intensity level that they are. I need to not beat myself up for having those feelings and recognize why they are there. It is when I dwell on them and choose not to use the tools that I have been given by my therapist, my own research, and most importantly by my Heavenly Father that I end up having more distress, pain, and panic. However, when I process these feelings and emotions in a healthy way, getting myself out of a victim mentality and really focusing on how I can navigate through these moments of despair, I feel empowered by evaluating what I CAN change instead of what I can't. When I am so focused on things that I have no control over such how people treat me, rejection, or the choices and actions of others, that is when I am in such an overwhelmed state of panic and fear that I freeze. I become the victim. I don't feel strength to keep moving forward. It is when I focus on what I can control such as, how I treat others, working on being the person I am looking for in a partner, finding healthy outlets to process and not feel so much pain instead of focusing so much on things I can't control that I am then frozen in that pain. 

I have told my story of the last twenty plus years of my life. I have gone through some things that, as mentioned before, I would never want to have to go through again. However, I don't tell my story to get sympathy, to have a pity party, or to smear anyone else. I tell my story to empower others in knowing they are not alone in their trials. I tell my story to help anyone that can learn from my mistakes. I tell my story to process in a healthy way the things I have experienced. And ultimately, I tell my story to heal. Being vulnerable enough to share our stories, as hard as it may be, is such a big part of letting go. It is such a great way to help begin to release so much trauma. And for me, it is such a great way to learn, not from the bad choices of others, but from my own ways of doing things that weren't always healthy. It is a way for me to really step outside as I write it out to see and learn where I am growing, where I have grown, and where I still need to heal. 

We all have our own different stories. We all navigate this journey we call life in different ways. We all have different traumas. We all have different strengths and weaknesses.  We all have different beliefs. But what we all have that is the same, is the desire to love and be loved. The desire to connect with others and have healthy, sustainable relationships. We all have the desire to feel wanted and accepted. I believe that the adversary is one billion percent working over time to have the human race at each other's throats. He doesn't want us to help one another. He doesn't want us to be happy, to accept differences, to appreciate each other, or to love and be loved in healthy ways. I know that we all have it in us to overcome so much negativity in this world. It is a choice we have to make individually.