Deceived...

 I went to therapy that next week. The week after D came and got his stuff. When I walked in alone the therapist stated the obvious by asking the rhetorical question, "You're alone?" I couldn't hold back the emotions. They overflowed. I told him that D had ended things.  I talked for a good fifteen minutes straight telling him that I could see why. It was all my fault. I was too demanding. I expected too much from him. I was having too much anxiety. My past relationship trauma was overflowing into this relationship. I went on and on. He kindly listened. He didn't interject or even try to. When I was done, he looked at me, told me he was so sorry for the pain I was experiencing, and then paused. He looked down for a second then looked back up at me and said, "Andrea, do you realize you were being abused?" I immediately responded that I was the abusive one. I was causing too many issues in our relationship by my anxiety, by expecting too much when his plans would fluctuate and having it be so hard for me, by my emotions, etc. This time, as I was pleading my case, he interjected and asked if he could stop me right there. He then went on to tell me that he was abusive to me right in that very room that we were sitting. That he wasn't there to work on our relationship, but that he was there to "fix" me. He asked me to think about when I heard him ever take accountability for his actions or when I ever heard him talk about things he needed to work on. I couldn't recall him ever doing that, not just in therapy sessions, but ever. He then pointed out that during our sessions when the therapist did try to point out things for him to consider that he should reflect on and think about improving, that he would always turn it back to, "but Andrea needs to do (X,Y, Z)". He then went on to tell me that he was not surprised that we weren't together any longer. He told me that he felt it was only a matter of time before it would crash. He only met with us five times. He has been doing this work for over 25 years. He knows what he is talking about. He has seen these type of people and situations literally thousands of times. Although different people with different backgrounds, life circumstances, and even different personalities, to some extent, the general pattern and behaviors are not different. 

That therapy session started the processing for me of the past 8 months of my life with D. I was still so puzzled by the abrupt ending. I couldn't (and still can't) wrap my head around how someone could tell a person how grateful they were for them, how much they loved them, how "committed I am to us and our future", how we needed to be prepared to put money down on a lot to build a home, or an already existent home, literally HOURS before going stone cold with me. If he was thinking about ending things, why would he say those very serious things to me? I was, and still am, flabbergasted. I wanted answers, but I knew those answers were never going to come from the actual source. I was so beside myself. One night, I even Googled his name. Who is this person exactly? What was he hiding? Was he hiding anything? His social media accounts popped up; Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and then I noticed a Strava account. I just clicked on it. I saw that he had been recording his runs. I am not very familiar with it as I am not an avid runner, so I didn't know you could post pictures as well as a route of your runs. The first run that was recorded was on April 9th. I didn't really pay attention to the route at first but noticed there were pictures attached. I clicked on the picture and it was of D and another woman. What? Two days after he ended things with me? Maybe it was one his cousins that he claimed he was doing something with that weekend so that he didn't want anymore contact with me through the weekend? I then looked at the route. I was shocked. It was literally a route that ran right through our neighborhood. He was running right past our street when he was supposedly with his cousins that weekend in northern Utah. I knew very quickly that this was most certainly not his cousin. Wow. How long did he know this girl? Was he cheating the whole time? Did he really just meet her within one day of ending things with me? I didn't know any of those things, but the picture and knowing he was actually in Saint George that weekend when he made it sound like he had just driven down early Sunday morning to get his things, was beginning to explain some of the mystery. But little did I know... that was just the tip of the iceberg.

I had so many things surface with hard evidence and credible sources. I couldn't believe that the whole entire 8 months of being with this man that I thought was the person I finally found that I had been praying my whole life for, was a complete fraud. Not even close to who I thought I was dating and wanting to marry.  As he was raking me over the coals for men reaching out to me when we first started dating, men that I quickly shut down and made them know I was in a relationship, all the while he was still stringing along a previous girlfriend. She, not having any idea that he was in a serious relationship with me, was still believing he wanted to end up married to her one day. Telling her that she was and always would be special to him. Inviting her over to his house on several occasions while with me before moving down to Saint George. Sending her songs that reminded him of her while at the Dan and Shay concert with me. Texting her while on his trips to Kansas City, Portland, and Seattle sending her the same pictures of what he was doing as he was sending me. Telling her that although he was dating me, we weren't serious and that I was crazy. Knowing that my mom was not going to make it while he was in Portland, TWO days before she passed, asking a girl to send him inappropriate pictures of her. When the VERY next day standing in on a blessing for my dad that my brother offered as my mom was quickly fading from this life to the next. The day following holding my hand standing next to my mom's bedside as she passed away. Then being part of her funeral. Holding me. Crying with me. Standing by me through it all. When all the while communicating with other women. The weekend he was adamant I not go up to his grandma's birthday party with him, reaching out to a woman while up there. Seeing actual text messages between him and another woman as he was telling her to come to his house when my very own daughter and her husband were staying with him the weekend they went up for the Lany concert. Telling the woman that his daughter's "friends" were coming to stay but that she could come be with him after they went to bed. It was MY sweet daughter and son in law. Not his daughter's friends. Texting picutres of OUR trip to the Spring Training games over my spring break to other women. I also found out that he had dug into my emails and forwarded emails from the very first guy I ever went out with after my divorce from 2015 to himself along with other messages from the guy of the short four month relationship I was in. He had a whole personal file with all of these messages that didn't pertain to him, didn't affect him, and were years before I even knew that he existed. They were simply messages of talking back and forth in friendly conversation . Why would he have all of these messages?? I still don't know. 

I also found out that the whole entire time of us being together he was a heavy drinker. How in the world did I not see the signs? How did I not know this? He was claiming to be strong in the same faith as me where we believe in not drinking alcohol. But little did I know that he was wasted the night in San Fransisco that he wouldn't talk to me on the phone. He was also communicating with the girl that he was with in the picture from the Strava app that whole evening. Not only her, but another girl that he had previously dated. The night he told me he needed to move back to northern Utah and told me he couldn't talk about it that night because he was in charge of hosting a happy hour for his clients, he was also getting wasted as well.  I was beside myself when finding these things out. How did I not know? Hindsight started kicking in. It was all starting to make sense. The one time we got in his car and there were a bunch of hard seltzer cans in his back seat and he disgustedly said he couldn't believe the people he gave a ride to at a singles event at a lake would leave their trash in his car. Or when I saw alcohol cans in his trash can and he again, was so disgusted that his next door neighbor was using his garbage can. Was he drinking the several times he would be driving and would come extremely close to hitting another car or going off the road a bit. I was often times a little scared of his driving, but never would've even wondered if it was because he was drinking?! I can't say for sure his driving incidents were because of that, but it makes sense. He always had a tumbler with him wherever he went. I don't know what was in it and I can't say I have hard evidence that there was alcohol because I don't know. 

I found out as well that the girl in his Strava pictures owns a second home not even one tenth of a mile from my dad's house. My friend ran into D and her that same weekend at a restaurant down here in Saint George. She told me that when she saw them, they were walking out of the restaurant holding hands. Did this girl know about me? Did she understand who this man was? Was he deceiving her like he did so well with me? I found her on social media. She looked so incredibly sweet. You can tell she was strong in her faith and had the standards and values that I believe in as well. I wanted so badly to tell her. To warn her. I didn't know if they were dating seriously, but I figured it was serious enough to have him come clear to Saint George to be with her for a weekend when she was down here. 

I would have done anything to have been warned, or at least had some things brought to my attention about D before I got too serious. Before I gave him my whole heart, let him be such an intimate part of my life. Had him at my daughter's wedding, my family get togethers, around my sweet son who really liked him and felt like he had that male father figure, and mostly at my mom's bedside with my siblings, dad, and me when she passed away. It was truly such a special, sacred, extremely hard time for all of us. Now when I think of that, instead of thinking of it as I should and for what it really was, all I can think about at this point is that he was there. I allowed him to be in there. He came into such a sacred time and experience for me, for my family KNOWING he wasn't being faithful. KNOWING I really wasn't that special to him like he made me feel. KNOWING I trusted him, that I had given him my whole heart to the extent I WANTED him next to me in these life changing and intimate moments that I will never get back. I won't ever get a redo. I can't even look at my mom's funeral pictures without him being in most of them. 

I couldn't let him do this to another person. I couldn't. Not if there was any chance at all I could prevent it. I wanted to. I even prayed about it. Should I reach out to this girl and just tell her what I knew? I knew it was a risk. I knew it could go many different ways. I almost expected it to be that I was just the "crazy jealous ex girlfriend" wanting to get back at him. But I felt strongly I couldn't be silent. I messaged her on Instagram. I told her all that I knew. I told her where my heart was as far as my purpose in reaching out to her. She was very kind. She was very grateful. She told me she was only four months divorced and was in a marriage where she was cheated on 10 out of the 20 years of that marriage. She thanked me. I found out through that interaction that she matched with him on a dating app the weekend before he went to San Fransisco. They started talking the night he got to San Fransisco and wouldn't talk to me. When he became cold. She invited him to Saint George where she was staying for a while, that coming weekend. Which makes sense as to when he told me that there would be no contact from the time he ended things that Thursday, to when he came and got his stuff that Sunday. When he did come get his stuff that morning, he told this girl that he had stuff at a cousin's house he needed to get so that she could go ahead and ride home with her friend. So apparently I was his "cousin" just like she was. 

There are so many intricate details that I am not even getting to and that is ok. This girl that was thanking me for letting her know actually married him after only three months from when they matched on the dating app, to their wedding day. 

NEVER in my entire life was I more deceived. Not with my addict husband. Not with the three year long toxic relationship prior. Not in any other circumstance or relationship. Not only was I deceived, but so was my dad, my kids, my family, some friends. We all thought he was someone completely different than who he ended up showing. 

Why again? I have asked myself over and over. Why did I have to go through another traumatic relationship. Another heartbreak. Another trial like this. What was wrong with me? What am I not learning? The bottom line, I have been betraying myself. I lost who I was. I turned my head...