There is No Courage Without Vulnerability...

I am going to be more vulnerable now than I have ever been before as I share some things that I am not necessarily the most proud of. I have thought a lot about vulnerability. I always have believed that being vulnerable makes me look weak. However, I have learned that in fact, it is actually the complete opposite of weakness. In Brene Brown's newest book,  Atlas of the Heart, she says, "There is no courage without vulnerability. Courage requires the willingness to lean into uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure... Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage." So I am embracing my vulnerability not only to help me heal, but to help anyone that can learn from my unhealthy patterns. Telling our stories, being vulnerable, and at the same time doing so with boundaries, is one way to help heal trauma. Holding in our trauma only causes more despair and unhealthy thought patterns. I am not saying to share your story with the world, like I have chosen to do. You need to do what is best and most safe for you. Not everyone deserves to be let in on your story. The reason I write mine on this platform is because I felt impressed to do so many years ago and have started again as I know that hearing other people's stories has helped me so much when going through the thick of my traumatic experiences. Sharing my story is scary. There were many times I have been reluctant to as I thought of all of the "what ifs" that people might think or judge me on. What if people think I am just wanting to get attention? What if people think I am weak? What if I am looked at as if I am in victim mentality? And on and on...There will definitely be people with negative thoughts about my story or maybe even yours depending on the audience you choose to share with. There will be all sorts of opinions, but I have to be ok with that and continue to do things that I feel are healing for me and at the same time, can be helpful to others that may be going through some similar circumstances that I have been through. My main two goals are 1-to heal and 2-to help others heal if at all possible.

A close friend of mine introduced me to the quote, "If it comes, let it. If it goes, let it." She shared that with me a long time ago and it has been something that has gone through my mind consistently the past few months. One of the hard things to overcome for me with the relationships that have painfully ended, is that I have had to really work through feelings of abandonment, rejection, and low self worth. I didn't know how to deal with those things and to navigate the emotions that come with them. So many times I have tried desperately to hold on, even when I knew doing so wasn't good for me. I chose to go through insurmountable amounts of pain in more serious relationships down to feeling rejected on countless occasions by people that I have gone on dates with, worked with, even friendships on occasion.  What I haven't done in the past, is step back and look at what kind of energy I am putting out there. How am I portraying myself? Am I being authentic? Am I trying to mold to what I think someone might want that maybe really isn't me? This is where the vulnerability is going to come out...hard core. The answer to all three of those three questions has been a cause for concern that I didn't realize for SO long. 

Often times, I have been so desperately trying to fill a void, to have a connection, and to feel like I am not alone that I have been one that tends to mold to what I feel other's want to be around. In other words, I have been a huge people pleaser. I have had no boundaries. I have allowed myself to even lower standards that are extremely important to me. Choosing to do this has allowed for me to show exactly what I haven't wanted to portray...major insecurities. When you are around someone that is insecure, it can be pretty apparent, and I am positive it has been with me. People aren't naturally drawn to insecure people. I know I'm not! I want people to be themselves. I don't want them to say or do things because they think that is what I want. There is only one outcome that comes from that and it is usually always painful. So realizing that I have been doing exactly what I don't find appealing or attractive in others has stopped me in my tracks, made me re-evaluate why, and has caused me to uncover the layers. I have obviously not been authentic in the past. As mentioned above, I have done all I can to try to feel a connection with others when all I was actually doing was being an imposter! As I have mentioned before, I have betrayed myself. I have allowed things that are the most important to me go to the back burner. I have been a chameleon trying to blend in with my surroundings. Nobody wants to be around someone like that. Nobody...except those that are looking to manipulate and take advantage. And that is exactly what I have attracted. Not doing my healing work like I have so desperately needed to before now has only caused me to be the perfect bait for people that I have been in relationships with. I was exactly what they were looking for. Someone with no boundaries, low self-esteem, and confidence that was very minimal when it comes to a relationship. I am so confident in so many other areas of my life, but not when it comes relationships. This is where I’ve been beaten down as I’ve ALLOWED it. 

My biggest lesson in this has been to always be authentic. To learn to love who I am. The right people that you want in your life will always stay. They will always be there. Those that choose to leave, shouldn’t be there anyway. In the same breath, pushing people away that should be there and want to be there for the right reasons has been something I’ve also needed to work on. I have self sabotaged a lot of things that could have been amazing because of two major factors…fear and not feeling like I deserved the goodness some people could have brought. 

If it comes, let it. If it goes, let it.