Not the Happily Ever After I Imagined...

I was supposed to go and meet with my attorney and sign the divorce papers. That whole morning I felt sick. I kept fighting with myself. What was I doing? Was I going to regret this? The thing I wasn't thinking about however, was I already did lose him. I didn't even know who he was. I very reluctantly went. I met with the attorney for a minute. He had revised the petition a bit and wanted me to go over it. He left me in the room alone to read over it while he went and printed some papers and also to get their notary. I looked at the first page. I immediately started to cry. It read Andrea Hadley vs. J Hadley. I NEVER wanted to be against him. We were a team. That was what we were meant to be. I wanted to be with him. I was literally sick. I read over the papers. I just didn't know what to do. I said a quick prayer in my heart before the attorney returned, pleading with my Heavenly Father to please help me know if I was doing the right thing. I didn't get an earth shaking revelation. I didn't feel much of anything. But I did think about the way we had been living the past few years. I wasn't being the person I wanted to be. I wasn't functioning the way I should and wanted to. I wasn't being a mother the way I wanted to. I was consumed day in and day out with this addiction and realized that that was my addiction. I was literally constantly obsessed with wanting to know where he was, what he was doing, what I could do to help him want to change and get help, wondering why I wasn't good enough, trying to figure out how I could be more of a reason for him to want to be with me. These feelings weren't ok. They were ruining not only me, but affecting Addie and Koleman as well.
 The attorney came back in the room with the notary. As hard as it was for me to do it, I signed. I cried all the way home. When I got home, I walked to the mailbox and got the mail. There was a letter from J's doctor that he went to for his back. He was also the doctor that would prescribe his pain meds. I thought it was a bill. So I opened it. It was a letter. It basically said that because J violated a contract that he signed, the doctor was no longer able to provide his medical care. Attached to the letter was a paper that had drug test results. Along with oxycodone, Oxycontin, and another narcotic drug in his system, highlighted at the bottom under the illicit drug section was methamphetamine, and heroin. Wow. I sat there shocked. I honestly didn't let my self really believe, even after finding the drugs in the house and having a count of drug paraphernalia against him, that this was really happening. Seeing it on paper was making it a reality. I KNEW signing the papers was what I was supposed to do. If J showed any remorse. Any humility. Any sign of a repentant heart, and that he truly wanted to change, I would be right by his side. RIGHT BY HIS SIDE! Unfortunately, he wasn't ready to change. The way he continually lied, hid things, blamed everyone else for his actions, manipulated, and twisted things showed me he wasn't ready. As much as I tried to convince myself, he might be. He simply wasn't. I felt like it was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "here you go. There is your answer.".
 Father's day came. The kids and I didn't even go to church. I couldn't face it and didn't want to put them through having everything centered around father's. My friend (the same one I went to Las Vegas with) has been through a very similar situation with her ex husband. That evening we went over to her house to play games with her and her kids. My family was all home celebrating father's day (as they very well should have been) with my dad and my brother. This is how big of a wimp I am. I couldn't even celebrate it with my own dad. As selfish as it is. I just couldn't do it.
While we were there my phone rang. It was J saying that he was at my parent's house to see the kids. When we talked before, I made him promise me that he would see the kids on father's day because they had something for him.  The kids were very hesitant when I told them we had to leave and why. When we pulled up to the house, he was sitting out front. We pulled into the garage. I said "let's go tell dad happy father's day" to the kids. Normally Addie would have jumped out of the car and ran right over to him. They both just sat there. I got out and they slowly did as well. Addie grabbed onto my arm as we walked over to him. She wouldn't let go. Koleman just stood at the top of the driveway. Addie would not let go of me. I think we all felt really awkward. J asked Addie if he could have a hug. She gave him one and then ran right back over and grabbed my arm. He asked her what was wrong. She said nothing. He kept asking her. Finally she said she was scared. He looked at me and acted like he wanted to tell me off. He had asked me in previous conversations what I have told the kids about him. I told him exactly what I told them. That he was an amazing person and he loved them very much. That we all make bad choices sometimes and right now he was making choices that clouded his mind and it was hard for him to be who we all know he really is. He was furious that I told them anything. I beat myself up over it for a while. Right then, however, I didn't feel one bit bad. They deserved to know as much as they could handle. They were confused and hurt.
I looked back at him just wishing he could see what this was doing to all of us instead of trying to always blame someone for how things were.
Addie and I sat on the step. J came and sat facing away from us on a rock in front of us. We sat there silently for what seemed like hours, but really only a minute or two. I looked over at Addie. Tears were streaming down her face. I whispered in her ear that she could go sit by him if she felt like she wanted to. She laid her head on my shoulder. A minute or so later she got up and wrapped her arms around him from behind. This girl who was almost just barely 11 teaches me way more than I feel I teach her! She is above her years in so many ways. She started joking around with him like they always used to do. She completely changed the whole mood. He stayed a little longer and then left. Before he left Addie asked if he was coming to see her on her birthday that coming Tuesday. He told her that he wouldn't miss it. Then he left.
  Tuesday came. Addie asked early that morning when dad would be there. I told her I wasn't sure. She asked if he was even coming at all. I honestly didn't know what to say. The real J wouldn't miss it in a million years. This J, I wasn't so sure. I reminded her he said he wouldn't miss it. The day went on. Addie was having a great day doing lots of fun things for her birthday. She asked me a couple more times if he called or anything. I hadn't heard a word.
We had all of my family at the house that night for cake and presents and some of her closest friends. Still, no J. I didn't even have a way to get a hold of him.
It was about nine o' clock now. The kids were outside riding scooters and playing. I was sitting out there watching them. Up drives J's friend's car. J gets out and had a bag that looked like it was for Addie. She went over to him. He gave her a hug. I walked over. He looked terrible. Addie ran off to play with the kids. I asked J if he was Ok. He said he thought he had a kidney stone. He was doubled over and was pale. He was acting really off. He was shaking a little too. My amazing brother walked over to us and told him hi. He put his arm around him and just looked at him. J and my brother were such good friends. They were so close and always got along so well. J kept clutching his stomach. Brandon (my brother) asked him again if he was Ok. Then he gave him a hug and started sobbing. He kept saying he loved him and said over and over "J, please get help, please get help."  J didn't show much emotion.
He and Addie and I went downstairs so she could see what he brought her. He kept rocking back and forth. Then he'd double over and moan like he was in a lot of pain. He was sweating profusely and shaking. As soon as Addie opened her gift from him, I had her go back up with her friends.
J laid down on the bed in the fetal position. I kept telling him we needed to take him to the hospital. He wouldn't even think of it. Beads of sweat were running down his face. He was soaked. I kneeled by the bed and watched him and sobbed. He wasn't even very coherent. He would open his eyes and they would roll back in his head. Eventually he fell asleep. But he was twitching and shaking. He kept making weird movements with his arms. My sweet mom got my kids ready for bed and taken care of. I watched him for about three hours. It was one of the hardest things I had to witness. Who was this person? My heart was breaking for him. I felt such an overwhelming sadness. I eventually fell asleep on the floor next to the bed. The next morning, I woke up. J was washing his shirt in the sink. He said his friend was on his way to get him. He acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. I asked him how he was feeling and he almost acted like it was weird that I asked. His friend came and he was gone.
We didn't see him for quite a while. We went to the Provo area for the fourth of July. It was just my kids and I. My family went up too, but my parents were so sweet to let me take their car and they drove their truck so that I could have a car. We stayed with one of my closest friends and her sweet little family. It was so nice to get away for a little bit. We hadn't had money in so long, that was literally the first vacation I had in three years. My parents made it possible for us to go. They have helped me over the last several years far more than anyone could even imagine. I am so blessed. So blessed.
 The day of the fourth was so great, but at the same time really hard. Addie ran in the freedom festival race with my sister's little ones. I was so proud of her! Then the kids and I went to the Provo parade. It was fun, but I was having a hard time watching all the families. I looked at my kids and realized finally that this IS my little family. We're like the three musketeers! How blessed I am! We spent the day just the three of us! It was heaven for me. That night we watched the fireworks at my friend's house and the kids did sparklers. I got a phone call from a private number at about nine o'clock. It was J. I hadn't talked to him since Addie's birthday. He was upset that we weren't in St. George because he wanted to watch fireworks with us. It seemed that he would only come around or call when it was convenient for him. He was never around or couldn't be reached when we needed him.
We got home from up north. It was almost a week and I hadn't heard anything from him again. I texted his friend and asked if he knew how he was. He told me he was doing OK. He would NEVER give me much information. Ever. Always very vague. Just like J always was.
He said J didn't like us communicating. I asked him how I was supposed to communicate with him then. He gave me a phone number. I called. No answer. I called again. No answer. I waited a while. This time I dialed *67 before the phone number because that would block my phone number. It rang. After a few rings a girl's voice answered. I quickly hung up. I couldn't do it. A girl. Was he living with a girl? I frantically texted his friend and asked who this girl was. He dodged my question over and over. Finally he said he had a friend who was a girl. He said he never saw them do anything, not even hold hands. I asked him to tell me her name. Again, he dodged the question. After begging and not leaving him alone, he finally told me. It was the name of the girl who's text I read the day I made him leave our house. The text where he told her he was almost to her house and he even had a pet name for her. I asked him if J was living with her. He said no. I asked why that is the number I could always reach him at then. He wouldn't give me an answer.
 The next day I texted him again and asked him if he had seen J. He texted me back that he saw him and he was going with him to get clean. He said they were getting ready to go to Provo to take him to rehab. J then texted me from his phone telling me it was him. He said that he wanted to go to rehab and be the person he was supposed to be. He said he would call me while they drove up there, but it would be late. I texted him back and told him that I wasn't sure I could handle any more of these games he was continually playing. I wanted to believe so badly that he was really going. But I just didn't feel that was the truth. He told me that he didn't know what I was talking about, and that I was assuming again. He said I couldn't decide what he was really doing until we actually talked to each other and that he was going to come over and talk to me before they left.
 He finally got here around midnight. I went outside to talk to him. He told me that the girl who's phone he was using was married. He told me that they were just friends.
 He told me that he was going to sleep at his mom's that night so that they could get up early and head up north. I wanted to believe it. I wanted to so badly that I tried convincing myself once again. He lifted me up like he always used to, and hugged me. Oh I missed him. I wanted him back so badly. This was his body. This was his voice. He would do certain things like he used to always do. But this wasn't my J. It just wasn't.
 The next day, I texted them to see if they had left. They wouldn't respond. I called and texted several more times throughout the day. No response. Finally his friend texted back and said J was sleeping. I asked if they were driving up north still. He said no, they were out running errands, that J was sleeping in the passengers seat. What? They were sleeping at his mom's so they could leave early. It was now 2 in the afternoon and they were back in St.George running errands? Not one bit of it made sense. J texted later and asked if he could come see me. It was now 4. This was all so weird. Everything was ALWAYS so fishy.
 He came to the house. We went downstairs and started talking a little. My mom came down a few minutes later and told J how much she really did love him. The real him. But that she couldn't have him in her home. She told him the effect it had on me to see him and that she couldn't watch me suffer that way anymore. He furiously grabbed my phone and called his friend to come get him. I chased him down the street screaming his name. He wouldn't stop. Finally he stopped turned around and walked towards me. I was sobbing. He told me how terrible my parents were. He told me how everyone hated him and assumed horrible things about him. I just listened. He told me he was going to get clean so we could be a family again. He told me how much he loved me and the kids. His friend pulled up. He hugged me for a long time. Then he left.
 I texted the next day and asked if he was checked into rehab yet. J didn't even tell me what the name of the rehab was. No response. I texted over and over. No response. I called over and over. No answer.
 I texted the next day. No response. Then the next day. Finally his friend responded and said he had been out of touch with J for a few days. I asked if he was not in rehab then. No response. It was pretty apparent that he probably wasn't. Again, I begged him to tell me where he was. He wouldn't respond for a while, then finally told me he didn't know because he was not talking to anyone in that circle anymore. He asked me if he could bring J's stuff to me. I did get his stuff from him. He finally told me he didn't go to rehab. He said J just wasn't ready. I looked through his stuff. I found drug paraphernalia. Sadly, I know way more than I ever wanted to about this kind of stuff. I did a lot of research on it after this started coming out.
 I begged this friend to please tell me where this girl he was always with lived. I needed to get the divorce papers served. He wouldn't tell me. He told me J just called him and left a message on his phone. He gave me the phone number J had called from. I called it. No answer. The voice mail said it was another girl's phone. The girl who owned the phone texted back and asked who I was. I told her I was trying to talk to J. She said he wasn't with her anymore. She said they were home. I asked where that was. She said the name of the girl I suspected he lived with. I asked her if that was where he lived. She said yes. I asked her if that was his girlfriend. She said yes. My heart felt like a million knives just went through it. This time, the feeling didn't feel the same as it did when I found out about the other girl. But it did hurt. I texted his friend back and told him I needed to know right now where he lived. He told me I was being completely selfish and not thinking of J and the pain he was feeling and going through. He told me how all I cared about was my own pain. He told me that I was turning my back on him when he needed me the most. How I only loved him conditionally. I was very hurt by that. Then I thought for a minute. Am I really that selfish? I started beating myself up and felt guilty for being selfish. I then prayed to know how J was feeling.  I prayed to know once again if going through with the divorce was turning my back on him. I felt as though, I still was doing what was right. I didn't feel that I was selfish. I did feel a lot of my anger towards J diminish. He had to be miserable. He had to be in a lot of pain in all aspects. Although he made the initial decision to do what he was doing, he was now at a point where he was a slave to his addictions.
 I eventually got the address out of his friend. I told my attorney and they had the process server go there. I got an email from the legal assistant saying that when the process server went, the people in the apartment building said he didn't live there. That they had never seen him. She said that they seemed a little suspicious and acted like they may just be covering for him. Great. How was I ever going to be able to find him?
 On the 24th of July in Utah we celebrate when the pioneers made it to the Salt Lake Valley. We call it pioneer day. I am in the youth group organization in my ward (church) called Young Women. One of the girls told me that she heard that Elder Holland was going to be in our little city pioneer day parade. Elder Holland is one of the 12 apostles. I didn't know if that was too good to be true, but I wasn't going to miss that parade just in case! We got up early and went and ate breakfast in the park. Then it was time for the parade. It was such a neat parade. Sure enough Elder Holland and his sweet wife were in it!!!!! What an amazing experience! The spirit was so strong! We had such a fun day. We had a barbecue that night with friends and family. Then we were off to the fireworks. At the fireworks there were a TON of people sitting all over a field with blankets and lawn chairs. It was pitch black except when the fireworks would go off. One of the kids said the firework that just went off was his favorite. I said, "I think it looks like those firecrackers.", then a voice from behind said, "Yeah it does." I turn around and sitting behind me was J. It was the weirdest thing. I was caught completely off guard. COMPLETELY. I didn't want to talk to him with my family and friends around. I told him we needed to go away to talk. We walked over to a secluded spot. I asked him why he wasn't in rehab. He said his friend couldn't take him because it was his son's birthday. Again, it made not one bit of sense, but I didn't pursue the questions. I asked him about how his girlfriend was. He acted like he didn't have a clue what I was talking about. I told him someone told me about her. He asked who and I could honestly tell him I didn't know. He was upset that I would believe a complete stranger over him. I told him I couldn't do this and walked back to my family. He was gone. It was crazy. I was feeling so much peace and actually genuinely enjoying myself that day. Then, literally out of no where he shows up. This completely threw me for a loop.
 That Saturday (which was just two weeks ago), I got a text in the morning from the phone of the girl he was living with. It was J. He asked me if I could pick him up and take him to his mom's. I called him instead of texting back. He told me he wanted to go there to stay clean. He said he had been clean for nine days. I told him it was hard for me to get a car now because I no longer had one. I have been using my sweet mom's. He was extremely upset and flying off the handle at me. Then he hung up. A few hours later he called back in a completely different manner. He was calm and sweet. He said he was sorry he was upset, and asked if I could take him to his mom's again. He went to his mom's house. When I saw him, he still didn't seem as if he was ready to really rid himself of this horrible lifestyle. But again, I wanted to believe it. The next night I talked to him at about nine o'clock. He told me that he needed me to be there to help him get through this. He literally wanted me to go to his mom's right then. I tried to explain I don't own a car, and I also had two kids I needed to be with. He was acting really strange. He got upset when I wouldn't come. He told me that he was just going to go do drugs then. That if I wasn't going to support him, he was done. I couldn't let these manipulations take over anymore. I was letting it destroy me. He had threatened to kill himself at least five different times now.
 The next day I called to see if he was ok. He said that if I was going to divorce him, he needed them to bring the papers right then. He was not very happy with me. He was screaming and yelling. I told him I would have them served ASAP. I honestly don't think he ever thought I would actually do it. I didn't think I would either. But as soon as I hung up the phone with him, I emailed the legal assistant and told her he was at his mom's and that we needed to try to get the process server over there that day. She emailed me back 20 minutes later telling me he was on his way. I waited about a half hour. I then called his mom's to see if the papers were there. He answered the phone without saying hello, but instead he answered reading the papers. He was furious. He didn't understand why it wasn't joint custody. I had explained to him several times before and tried to again, that it can eventually be joint custody. But right now he isn't capable of taking the kids. If he shows several consecutive months of clean drug tests, he can slowly earn over night stays with them. But right now it is most certainly in their best interest that he only has supervised visitation. Then he was extremely angry about having to pay child support and having to pay half of their medical and dental expenses. That in and of itself proved to me how far gone he was. The real J, wouldn't even question doing that. He didn't want to talk to me anymore.
 The next day, I got a call on my phone from a private number. I answered it and it was a girl asking if I was Andrea. I told her yes. She said that I better tell J he better stay away from the drug dealers. That he had crossed the line and that he was smoking heroin with some guy's girlfriend that morning. She said they were messing around and that they took off together. She said that when they have to contact family members it is serious, and that he better watch out. I was stunned. When I hung up I felt like this was all so surreal. I felt like that a LOT lately. I feel like I live in some horrible movie.
 I talked to his mom and, sure enough, he was gone. The girl also told me that he was trying to get them to bring him drugs to his mom's in Hurricane all weekend.
 That was Tuesday almost two weeks ago.The next night, I went downstairs. I picked up my phone and saw I had a missed call from a St.George number, but I didn't recognize it. There was also a voice mail. It was J telling me he needed me to hurry and go pick him up. He didn't tell me where. I called the number back. It was some lady that said he used her phone. She said  he was very paranoid and said that people were after him to kill him. She said he got a ride with her ex husband and wasn't there anymore. She gave me his number. I called and talked to J.He told me he couldn't say a lot, but that he was going to be dead in ten minutes. He said they were all after him. I asked who. He just kept saying he was going to be dead. I asked if the kids and I were in any kind of danger. He said yes. That made me nervous, but I didn't feel a real sense of fear. I didn't feel like we were going to be harmed. I told him I needed to call the police. He said he was going to. A few minutes later the girl he lives with called me. She said he was just having some sort of a schizophrenic episode. She asked if there was a history of mental illness in his family. I knew right then he was having some sort of paranoid hallucination. She acted like she was on something too. I called and talked to his mom. She told me he called her as well and told her that guys with machetes were chasing him. This is so heart breaking. I can not believe what substance abuse does to a person. It is literally unbelievable.
 The next morning a police officer showed up at our door looking for J. He told me several warrants were out for his arrest. I gave him the address of the girl's apartment. He said he was headed there to stake it out and try and get him. I have been checking bookings everyday now for over a week. He hasn't been booked. I, nor anyone in his family have seen or heard from him.
 This, like I said, is not in a million years where I would picture myself. Especially with J. I know J was sent here to do great things. He is a special son of God. This has just strengthened my testimony immensely of the power Satan can have if we allow it. I have been feeling a lot of peace and the closure has started to come. I still have overwhelming moments of loneliness and sadness. But now they are just that, moments. It isn't a constant feeling. I know with all of my heart that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. I know He has been with me every step of the way and will continue to be. I know without a doubt in my mind the gospel is real. That the Atonement is real. That our Savior suffered and died so that we could live out this beautiful plan of salvation. I know that the Lord knows exactly how we all feel. He knows and loves each of us. Every one of us. He loves J so much. I know that. I pray for him and always will. He is an amazing person.  I have a long way to go as I now have to face my life without a spouse, but I know that if I rely on the Lord for strength and comfort, I will be ok. I hope that someday he will want to get the help he needs and deserves.
 I am so grateful for the gift he gave me of being a mother to my two precious angels. I love them more than life and I know He does too.