I Couldn't Lose Him...
J, did in fact, check into a hospital in North Dakota. He was there for a few days. He was very angry with me and tried to tell me still that he had done nothing to violate our marriage covenants. When I had solid proof, he then admitted to it. I know that more than anything he was trying to preserve my feelings. I didn't feel like J really even had feelings for this girl. I just knew he was completely lost and Satan had quite the grasp on him. He told me he wanted nothing to do with this girl. I never saw another phone call or text on the phone records. I can't say for sure that they still didn't communicate, but I can't say that they did either.
I found out after he had gone back to North Dakota that there was drug paraphernalia found in his mom's car that he used while he was home. Another thing that was noticed was he had scabs all up and down his arms. That is a sign of drug abuse.
I had met with an attorney, and the day that I went in to sign the papers, I just couldn't feel one hundred percent ok with it. I was getting texts the whole time I was there from J asking me to please not do it. I didn't go through with it. I was SO confused. I couldn't live without my best friend. I couldn't live without the man I loved more than anything. The problem was, I couldn't live with this person either. I continued praying and praying. I would go to the temple, talk to my bishop, and even switched to a different counselor that I thought would better meet my needs. Why couldn't I get a confirmation one way or the other?
My church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, has what they call general conference twice a year. It is where the church members all over the world gather to listen to the leaders of our Church. It is not only held at the conference center in Salt Lake City, but is televised, streamed over the internet, and on the radio so that all members can have the opportunity to listen. One of our leaders who is in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Richard G. Scott, gave an amazing talk on revelation in the April 2012 general conference. You can read the whole talk here. I was just struggling as to why I couldn't get my answer. I referred back to that talk and it helped me understand so much more about personal revelation. In it he said:
"There are some practical principles that enhance revelation. First, yielding to emotions such as anger or hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight.
I found out after he had gone back to North Dakota that there was drug paraphernalia found in his mom's car that he used while he was home. Another thing that was noticed was he had scabs all up and down his arms. That is a sign of drug abuse.
I had met with an attorney, and the day that I went in to sign the papers, I just couldn't feel one hundred percent ok with it. I was getting texts the whole time I was there from J asking me to please not do it. I didn't go through with it. I was SO confused. I couldn't live without my best friend. I couldn't live without the man I loved more than anything. The problem was, I couldn't live with this person either. I continued praying and praying. I would go to the temple, talk to my bishop, and even switched to a different counselor that I thought would better meet my needs. Why couldn't I get a confirmation one way or the other?
My church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, has what they call general conference twice a year. It is where the church members all over the world gather to listen to the leaders of our Church. It is not only held at the conference center in Salt Lake City, but is televised, streamed over the internet, and on the radio so that all members can have the opportunity to listen. One of our leaders who is in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Richard G. Scott, gave an amazing talk on revelation in the April 2012 general conference. You can read the whole talk here. I was just struggling as to why I couldn't get my answer. I referred back to that talk and it helped me understand so much more about personal revelation. In it he said:
"There are some practical principles that enhance revelation. First, yielding to emotions such as anger or hurt or defensiveness will drive away the Holy Ghost. Those emotions must be eliminated, or our chance for receiving revelation is slight.
Another principle is to be cautious with humor. Loud,
inappropriate laughter will offend the Spirit. A good sense of humor
helps revelation; loud laughter does not. A sense of humor is an escape
valve for the pressures of life.
Another
enemy to revelation comes from exaggeration or loudness in what is
stated. Careful, quiet speech will favor the receipt of revelation.
On
the other hand, spiritual communication can be enhanced by good health
practices. Exercise, reasonable amounts of sleep, and good eating habits
increase our capacity to receive and understand revelation. We will
live for our appointed life span. However, we can improve both the
quality of our service and our well-being by making careful, appropriate
choices.
It is important that our daily activities do not distract us from listening to the Spirit."
Elder Richard G. Scott
I never thought about it like this. I had some intense feelings of hurt and anger. On top of that I wasn't taking care of my body physically the way I should be. I wasn't eating right, or very often, I couldn't ever sleep, and I wasn't exercising the way I should have been. My spiritual health was also not being nourished the way it should have been. I had nothing in me to give for a good month. I wasn't even functioning. I literally could not pull myself out of bed. It was a blessing that we lived with my parents. I was not being a mother. My mom took care of the kids and all of their needs. I don't even know how long it was until I finally showered. I know. I was pretty pathetic. I wish I could sit here and say that I was going on with life and facing the circumstances head on and trying to look at the positive side of things. I am not one of those amazing people that can face adversity with such grace. I wish I was. But I was simply a mess. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, and I didn't want anyone's sympathy. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I slept as much as I could because it would cause me not to think. I needed to somehow snap out of it. I needed and wanted to be a mother.
In August J came home from North Dakota for good. He was going to live at his mom's house. One Sunday evening after he had been home for a couple of days, I mustered up whatever strength I could possibly muster and took the kids over to see him. I was so worried about how it would make me feel to actually physically see him. When we walked in and I saw him sitting there, my heart sank. I missed him. I missed him so much I could barely look at him. We had a nice visit. He played with the kids just like he used to. Addie, especially, was eating it up. She was so happy to see him. As we drove away to go home, he stood at the door and waved. I looked over at Addie, her head pressed against the window just watching him. She turned and looked at me with tears streaming down her cheeks. She asked why he wasn't the same. She asked why couldn't we just be a family. Why couldn't we just be together like a family should? I didn't even know what to say. I felt like the worst, most sorry excuse for a human being. What was I doing to our family? I was so selfishly only thinking about how hard it was for me to be with him. I was tearing our family apart. I grabbed her hand and kissed it. I knew I needed to tell the kids more. It wasn't fair to have them be so confused and then assume things. They had a right to know as much as an 8 and 10 year old could handle.
When we got home I took the kids into our room. I asked them how they were feeling about things. Addie said she was sad and worried, Koleman said he missed his dad. I reminded them about Lehi's dream that we had just read about together in the Book of Mormon. How in the dream there was the iron rod, and a mist of darkness. I reminded them that the iron rod is the word of God. Holding tight to it is like keeping the commandments and doing all in our power to stay close to Heavenly Father so that we could make it back to live with Him and our Savior. Just like how the iron rod led to the tree of life which is what it represented. Then I told them about how EVERYONE makes mistakes. NOBODY is perfect. I reminded them how the people that were in the great and spacious building were just like the world tempting us and mocking us, trying to make us feel as if doing the right things in life was not the "cool" thing to do, and that doing things in a worldly way, is what would make us "cool" and accepted. I asked them who would want us to feel as if that was true. Both of them said Satan. I told them they were right, and if we listen to Satan and let go of the iron rod even for a minute, we can get sucked into more and more temptation to the point that we could be wandering around in the mist of darkness, just like those people in Lehi's dream. I told them that if we make one wrong choice, and we don't repent for it, it becomes easier and easier to wander further and further away from the iron rod, and harder and harder to find our way back. I told them how amazing their dad is and that we all know who he really is and what a great person he is. I said that just like everyone lets go of the iron rod once in a while like when we lie, or gossip, dad let go of it for a minute. And that he just was led further and further away from it. I told them that the choices he was making weren't choices that would help him find his way back to the iron rod. But I really tried to reiterate that he is an amazing person and that his choices were clouding his judgment right then. Neither one of them asked what choices he was making, they didn't really ask any questions. I then had us say a special prayer together just for J.
J would come over fairly often to see us and be with us. He seemed to be doing a lot better, and I was losing those feelings of anger. I still couldn't seem to let the hurt feelings dissipate, but not having so much anger made me feel a lot better. I really wanted to try and work things out. I wanted so badly for us to just be the happy family I always pictured I would have.
Around mid-October, I decided that we should try just having J move in with us in my parent's basement. I felt that things were slowly getting a little better, and it seemed that I would see glimpses of the real J more and more. We were doing ok. Not great, but ok. I knew we had a long way to go, but it was definitely worth it. Definitely.
He was looking for a job. He told me that he was putting applications into any and everywhere. I never saw him go or knew of any interviews, or anyone that actually pursued him. Although he told me he had interviews, nothing ever came of them.
He told me that he met a guy off of Craigslist that bought old cell phones, fixed them up, and re-sold them. He also would repair people's phones. It was his business. He told me that the guy offered to have him work with him. I asked a lot of questions, where was the business, what was the name, were there benefits, how much money would it be, etc. It was funny that he would make me feel as if he answered my questions, but never directly did. It was extremely frustrating for me. I kept asking when he was going to get paid, and again just like some of the last jobs he had in North Dakota, there was always an excuse.
One night we just got home from somewhere, and as we were getting out of the car, I told J I was going to go take a shower. He was outside still. I went in the house and I remembered I forgot my purse. So as I ran outside. I saw J walking down the street. He didn't tell me he was leaving. I stood behind a wall and peeked around to watch and see where he was going. As he walked past a bush I saw him look around and then he reached in and grabbed something. Looked around again, and kept walking. I followed him. I saw as he rounded the corner that he pulled his phone out and was talking to someone. I also saw that what he pulled out was a cigarette. My stomach was in knots. I ran back to the house, grabbed my phone, called him and told him that I would put his stuff out on the porch and that he needed to leave. I believed him when he told me he wasn't doing anything wrong. I was so stupid. I couldn't do this anymore. He left. He moved back to his mom's.
Christmas was coming and I was scraping the bottom of the piggy bank to have enough so that the kids would be able to have a nice Christmas. I budgeted and planned and finally had it figured out so that they could have a nice but extremely modest Christmas.
Christmas Eve came. J was going to come over to spend it with us. He used his dad's car to get around. When he got to my parent's house he told me to walk out to the car with him because he had to show me something. He opened the back car door, and sitting on the seat was a brand new Wii U, and a tablet. What in the world? Koleman really wanted a Wii U for Christmas, but they were like four hundred dollars. I knew that wasn't happening, so I already prepared him for not getting one. I asked him how on earth he paid for these extremely expensive gifts. He smiled and just kept telling me not to worry about it.
He stayed the night so that he could be here on Christmas morning. Christmas is also my birthday, so I figured he was just going to spend the whole day with us. After presents, J said he just got a call from his dad and he needed to take him to the gas station to get his coffee. He said he would be back right after. Nine o'clock that night, he finally walks in the door. He missed the whole day and my birthday. I was so upset. He told me he was working all day on a present for me and it wasn't turning out the way it should. I really wanted to believe him. I really did. But unfortunately, I really didn't believe it. I wanted to believe so badly. As hard as I tried, I couldn't. I couldn't believe so many of the things that he would tell me. There were just always too many unknowns. The puzzle pieces just didn't ever seem to fit. Things still just weren't right. But I couldn't lose him. I couldn't.
In August J came home from North Dakota for good. He was going to live at his mom's house. One Sunday evening after he had been home for a couple of days, I mustered up whatever strength I could possibly muster and took the kids over to see him. I was so worried about how it would make me feel to actually physically see him. When we walked in and I saw him sitting there, my heart sank. I missed him. I missed him so much I could barely look at him. We had a nice visit. He played with the kids just like he used to. Addie, especially, was eating it up. She was so happy to see him. As we drove away to go home, he stood at the door and waved. I looked over at Addie, her head pressed against the window just watching him. She turned and looked at me with tears streaming down her cheeks. She asked why he wasn't the same. She asked why couldn't we just be a family. Why couldn't we just be together like a family should? I didn't even know what to say. I felt like the worst, most sorry excuse for a human being. What was I doing to our family? I was so selfishly only thinking about how hard it was for me to be with him. I was tearing our family apart. I grabbed her hand and kissed it. I knew I needed to tell the kids more. It wasn't fair to have them be so confused and then assume things. They had a right to know as much as an 8 and 10 year old could handle.
When we got home I took the kids into our room. I asked them how they were feeling about things. Addie said she was sad and worried, Koleman said he missed his dad. I reminded them about Lehi's dream that we had just read about together in the Book of Mormon. How in the dream there was the iron rod, and a mist of darkness. I reminded them that the iron rod is the word of God. Holding tight to it is like keeping the commandments and doing all in our power to stay close to Heavenly Father so that we could make it back to live with Him and our Savior. Just like how the iron rod led to the tree of life which is what it represented. Then I told them about how EVERYONE makes mistakes. NOBODY is perfect. I reminded them how the people that were in the great and spacious building were just like the world tempting us and mocking us, trying to make us feel as if doing the right things in life was not the "cool" thing to do, and that doing things in a worldly way, is what would make us "cool" and accepted. I asked them who would want us to feel as if that was true. Both of them said Satan. I told them they were right, and if we listen to Satan and let go of the iron rod even for a minute, we can get sucked into more and more temptation to the point that we could be wandering around in the mist of darkness, just like those people in Lehi's dream. I told them that if we make one wrong choice, and we don't repent for it, it becomes easier and easier to wander further and further away from the iron rod, and harder and harder to find our way back. I told them how amazing their dad is and that we all know who he really is and what a great person he is. I said that just like everyone lets go of the iron rod once in a while like when we lie, or gossip, dad let go of it for a minute. And that he just was led further and further away from it. I told them that the choices he was making weren't choices that would help him find his way back to the iron rod. But I really tried to reiterate that he is an amazing person and that his choices were clouding his judgment right then. Neither one of them asked what choices he was making, they didn't really ask any questions. I then had us say a special prayer together just for J.
J would come over fairly often to see us and be with us. He seemed to be doing a lot better, and I was losing those feelings of anger. I still couldn't seem to let the hurt feelings dissipate, but not having so much anger made me feel a lot better. I really wanted to try and work things out. I wanted so badly for us to just be the happy family I always pictured I would have.
Around mid-October, I decided that we should try just having J move in with us in my parent's basement. I felt that things were slowly getting a little better, and it seemed that I would see glimpses of the real J more and more. We were doing ok. Not great, but ok. I knew we had a long way to go, but it was definitely worth it. Definitely.
He was looking for a job. He told me that he was putting applications into any and everywhere. I never saw him go or knew of any interviews, or anyone that actually pursued him. Although he told me he had interviews, nothing ever came of them.
He told me that he met a guy off of Craigslist that bought old cell phones, fixed them up, and re-sold them. He also would repair people's phones. It was his business. He told me that the guy offered to have him work with him. I asked a lot of questions, where was the business, what was the name, were there benefits, how much money would it be, etc. It was funny that he would make me feel as if he answered my questions, but never directly did. It was extremely frustrating for me. I kept asking when he was going to get paid, and again just like some of the last jobs he had in North Dakota, there was always an excuse.
One night we just got home from somewhere, and as we were getting out of the car, I told J I was going to go take a shower. He was outside still. I went in the house and I remembered I forgot my purse. So as I ran outside. I saw J walking down the street. He didn't tell me he was leaving. I stood behind a wall and peeked around to watch and see where he was going. As he walked past a bush I saw him look around and then he reached in and grabbed something. Looked around again, and kept walking. I followed him. I saw as he rounded the corner that he pulled his phone out and was talking to someone. I also saw that what he pulled out was a cigarette. My stomach was in knots. I ran back to the house, grabbed my phone, called him and told him that I would put his stuff out on the porch and that he needed to leave. I believed him when he told me he wasn't doing anything wrong. I was so stupid. I couldn't do this anymore. He left. He moved back to his mom's.
Christmas was coming and I was scraping the bottom of the piggy bank to have enough so that the kids would be able to have a nice Christmas. I budgeted and planned and finally had it figured out so that they could have a nice but extremely modest Christmas.
Christmas Eve came. J was going to come over to spend it with us. He used his dad's car to get around. When he got to my parent's house he told me to walk out to the car with him because he had to show me something. He opened the back car door, and sitting on the seat was a brand new Wii U, and a tablet. What in the world? Koleman really wanted a Wii U for Christmas, but they were like four hundred dollars. I knew that wasn't happening, so I already prepared him for not getting one. I asked him how on earth he paid for these extremely expensive gifts. He smiled and just kept telling me not to worry about it.
He stayed the night so that he could be here on Christmas morning. Christmas is also my birthday, so I figured he was just going to spend the whole day with us. After presents, J said he just got a call from his dad and he needed to take him to the gas station to get his coffee. He said he would be back right after. Nine o'clock that night, he finally walks in the door. He missed the whole day and my birthday. I was so upset. He told me he was working all day on a present for me and it wasn't turning out the way it should. I really wanted to believe him. I really did. But unfortunately, I really didn't believe it. I wanted to believe so badly. As hard as I tried, I couldn't. I couldn't believe so many of the things that he would tell me. There were just always too many unknowns. The puzzle pieces just didn't ever seem to fit. Things still just weren't right. But I couldn't lose him. I couldn't.
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