I Can't Live Like This Anymore.
I was so tired of fighting every day. I know he was too. Our poor kids. What they had to hear at times and witness. It wasn't fair. I was not being the mom that I wanted to be. Not at all. They were suffering not only because of what was going on with J, but because it consumed me. I always cried. They never knew what they were going to get. A happy mom, or more often a sad mom. Addie knows me better than anyone knows me. She knows when I'm sad, even if I feel like I am doing a great job at hiding it. She knows. I wasn't functioning like I wanted to. My eating was starting to be a big issue again. I couldn't get myself to eat the majority of the time, and then when I finally did eat, I would purge. I didn't sleep very well. And because of all of this that I let consume me, my kids were suffering. I was being so unfair. They didn't ask for any of this. Not one bit.
One Sunday morning in April, we were getting ready for church. J always seemed to have an excuse to not go or to leave early. I got myself and the kids ready. He was still asleep on the couch. I went upstairs to get something. It was about time to go. When I went back downstairs, J was in the bathroom. I noticed his phone on the couch. I know this is terrible, but any time I could get a hold of his phone I would. I wanted to see his texts and who he was calling. One time I saw a text from a girl named Chantelle. I asked him about it and he said it was just someone from this new job that he had. I checked his texts. There was a text from a guy that asked if he had any blues. What were blues? I texted him back as if I were J and made him look like a total idiot I'm sure. I asked him what blues were. He texted back 30's. Hmmmm...I Googled drug slang for blues and 30's. They both said that it was a slang term used by addicts that referred to oxycodone (loratab). I was so upset. I never handled things in the best way because I would let my emotions take control. When he came out of the bathroom, I asked him what blues were. He looked at me like a deer caught in headlights. He said he didn't know what I was talking about. So I asked what 30's meant. He said he didn't know. I told him his buddy just texted asking him for some. He was furious that I read his texts. He said that it just meant Sudafed. His friend was sick and he gave him some Sudafed a couple of weeks ago and he probably just needed more. Sure. Ok.
It was now May and it was getting really close to school being out for the summer. I was so sad. I was accepted into the Elementary Ed program this fall and so I am not able to work and do that as well because it is such an intense program and it is also almost 19 credits. So not only did I have to leave a job I loved, teachers I loved and admired, a staff that was amazing, the best boss and principal that anyone could ever ask for, and kids I adored and loved so much, but it was Addie's last year being in elementary school. A couple of days before school got out, I was crying thinking about it being my last couple of days. J saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him why I was upset. He told me that he wanted to take me on a date the next night. I thought that he was making more of an effort lately and was feeling a bit better about things. I was excited! The next day at school as I was cleaning out my classroom and packing up my personal stuff, I would start to get teary. Then I would think about going out with J that night. It would make me feel a bit better for a while. I at least had that to look forward to.
That night I called him at five thirty and asked when he would be home so that I would be ready. He told me he was just finishing an appointment for work and he would be on his way. He said it would be around thirty minutes. It was now six thirty. No J. I called his phone. It rang and rang. No answer. I waited another half hour. Called again, still no answer. It was now about seven thirty. I called it for a half hour straight. No answer. Finally a girl answered. Wait...a girl? I looked at my phone to make sure it was J's number I dialed. Yep it was his number. I said hello. The girl acted a little hesitant to talk to me. I asked who she was. She said she just found this phone in a Maverick parking lot. I asked her what Maverick it was. She hesitantly told me. I asked her to take it to the cashier there and I would come pick it up. She still seemed hesitant, and a little odd. I asked my mom if I could use her car (since he had mine) to go get it. I drove down there. I went in and asked the cashier about the cell phone. She said she knew nothing about a phone. I asked her to ask her other co-workers. She did and said they didn't know of one either. I asked her if she was sure she asked everyone. It had to be there. She looked at me like I was crazy and said that she was sure she asked all of them. I walked out to the car so confused.
I got home and called his phone again. It now went straight to voice mail. Oh how I DESPISED his voice mail. It seemed like the majority of the time I ever tried to call him, I would hear, "This is J. I'm not available. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."I called it over and over. It was now eleven. Still no sign of him. I walked up and down the street looking, watching, waiting, sobbing. Where was he? What if something happened to him? I sat on a big rock I had walked to about a mile away. I waited there forever watching all of the cars go up and down the road, hoping one of them would be him. I was praying and praying. I finally walked back home. I laid on the couch in the living room just waiting for him to walk through the door. I sat there all night. Literally. I must have dozed off for a while. When I woke up, I looked at the clock and it was six in the morning. I ran to the window to see if the car was there. No car. It was the last day of school. I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father to help me relax. The kids woke up excited as could be that it was the last day of school. I tried to put a happy face on. I couldn't kill their excitement. My parents were heading out of town. Luckily they left me my dad's truck, so I had a way to get to school. I drove two very happy kiddos to school. I was still trying to keep my happy face on. Addie could see right through it. She kept asking if I was ok.
It is tradition for the faculty and staff to play the fifth graders in kick ball on the last day of school. I was looking so forward to playing when I heard about it. I went in the school. I went straight to my classroom. I kept the light off. I went to a corner where I wasn't very well seen. I couldn't keep the tears in. I sobbed and prayed. Michelle (our darling principal) came in the room and asked if I was going to go out and play kickball. I told her I would try to in a few minutes. I tried for several minutes to compose myself enough to go out. Finally about a half hour later, I felt like I could do it.
I walked out there and the first person I saw was my dear friend Julie. She turned around and I know she could immediately tell I had been crying. She asked if I was ok. The flood gates reopened. I couldn't stay out there like that. I went back in and hid in my room until school was out. I couldn't even compose myself enough to go and say good bye to anyone.
I drove a very happy group of kiddos home. They were going to have a little friend party to celebrate the last day. They were playing outside. I remembered that there was this neighborhood that J ran out of gas and got a flat tire in the exact same spot. I knew he must have gone there a lot. I felt like I should drive there and see if I could see him. I told the kids I was running to the store. I started driving down the street of that neighborhood. I was looking everywhere. I drove a little further. There, on the side of a run down house, was my car. What should I do? I was scared to know what I might find if I knocked on the door. I pulled over. Walked over to the car and was just looking in it. I don't know what I was looking for. I guess just any sign of what was happening. I didn't dare knock on the door of the house. I started walking back to the truck when a girl came out of the house. She said hi and acted like I should know her. I had never seen this girl before in my life. She said that J was walking down the street a while ago and that she had never seen anybody act the way he was acting. She said he told her he thought he was having a heart attack. I asked her if she would mind telling me what her relationship was with J. She told me that he was friends with her boyfriend. I asked her if he was still walking somewhere. She said he wasn't, he was in the house. She asked if I wanted to see him. I reluctantly said yes. I followed her to the door. I hesitated going in, and she seemed hesitant to let me in. Right when I walked in I felt yucky. I looked in the kitchen and I see J standing at the sink filling an ice cube tray with water and he had a sandwich in his other hand. I just looked at him like What in the heck? He looked at me and acted like, "oh great, I'm caught.". We went outside. I completely lost it. I asked him what in the world he was doing. I asked him if he thought this was ok to do this to someone. I then told him he needed to drive my car home, and then he needed to stay away from me and my kids.
He followed me home. He wanted to go in the house and I would not let him. No way. I told him I didn't want the kids to have to see us fighting. He asked me why we were fighting at all. REALLY?! That right there was reason enough for me to be upset. I asked him to go ahead and explain what was going on. He gave me this long explanation of how the car got a hole in the oil pan and it leaked out and broke down, and how he walked all night. NONE of it made sense. Not one bit. I didn't even want to pursue getting the real story because I knew how it would go. I asked him to please let me see his phone. He said no. I asked him again. He asked why. I said that I wanted to see if he got my texts and phone calls because he claimed he didn't. He said I could look at it, but only for a minute. Of course I went right to the texts, not to check mine, but to see if I could find out what really was going on. There was a text from some girl named Delia. They had a very friendly conversation and he even had a pet name for her and told her he would be right over to her house. Then I saw another conversation with some guy. They were talking about getting their scrips (prescriptions I'm assuming) and how they would sell them. There was a lot of drug slang in there I didn't understand and at this point he was screaming at me to give him back his phone. He said that girl was a co-worker. Yeah right. He said I didn't know what the heck I was talking about with the other conversation I read. I told him he needed to leave and that he could not live here. He started complaining that there was no way he could carry all of his stuff. I told him to just take the car. I didn't care at this point. I just needed him gone. I couldn't do it anymore. He left. That day was the 23rd of May.
On May 29th I got a phone call. It was a really weird number. I didn't answer it. It rang again with the same number. I picked up my phone. I hear on the other line, "This is a prepaid call from an inmate in purgatory". I knew exactly who it was. J's voice then comes on the other line. He asked if I would come bail him out. I asked why he was arrested. He said because of the registration. He also had a ticket that he never paid so there was a warrant out for his arrest for that too. I asked him if that was all. He hesitantly said also drug paraphernalia. I told him I was sorry, but I wasn't going to bail him out. He LOST it. He was screaming at me and told me I would regret not bailing him out. Then he hung up on me.
I still had that baggie with the drugs in it. I thought now was a great time to take it to the police station. I did. The police officer that was helping me looked at the bag and without even looking closely he said it was meth. WHOA!! Meth! He said that there was nothing that he could do about it. The drugs have to physically be found on someone in order for them to be arrested. He did take J's name and as many other names as I could remember of people that he associated with.
His brother bailed him out of jail and took him to his mom's because J told him he would go straight to rehab. Within a day and a half he was not at his mom's house anymore. I didn't see or hear a word from him for two weeks. Nobody in his family did either. Our 12th anniversary was June 8. It was an extremely hard day. I thought by this point, something might have happened to him.
He had used my phone to call one of his friends once. I remembered that I had kept that number in case I ever needed it. I texted him and asked if he knew where J was and if he was ok. No response. I did a little research and figured out his so called bosses number. I texted him as well. He did respond and told me he saw him earlier that day and that he was fine. I asked him some questions about where he was living and what he was doing. He told me he had his kids that weekend and that he would talk to me the next day after they went back with his ex wife.
One thirty that morning my phone rings. I look and it was his friend. I was trying to wake up and be more coherent as I was asleep. I didn't answer it in time. I thought for sure something was wrong with J for him to be calling at one thirty in the morning. He texted me right after and said to call him as soon as I could. I called him right back and he just wanted to know what was going on with J. What? At one thirty in the morning. I told him my concerns and what was going on. He didn't offer me much, actually any information.
I would text him frequently to have him communicate stuff to J for me as his phone was turned off now. I had no idea where he was living still.
One Saturday afternoon. It was actually the day before Father's Day, my phone rings and it was that friend of J's. I answered and talked to him for a good five minutes. He told me J really missed me. I said that I found that hard to believe. He said he did. I said then if he did he would be getting the help he would need to overcome this horrible addiction. Then he said, "I'm going straight to rehab after my court date.". Hold up. Did he just say "I'm"? J? He said yes it was him. That was the first time I had talked to him in almost three weeks. I started asking a million questions. He told me he wanted to see me that night and we could talk then. I told him I would meet him at a gas station by my parent's house at 8:00 that night.
I told my dad and my sister that I was going to talk to them. My dad really didn't want me to because it made him nervous. I told him I would call him if I needed anything. I get to the gas station at 8. I waited about 20 minutes. No J. My phone rings and it wasn't a number I knew. I answered it and it was J telling me he had to find a ride, but he was on his way. Finally at nine he shows up. I looked over as he opened the car door. My heart sank. I could not believe in a three week period of time, the difference in how he looked. He was already looking different before, but this was unbelievable. The way he was dressed, his long dirty hair, his scruffy face, but the biggest change was in his eyes. They were just dark. Not the same beautiful blue eyes that always had a sparkle in them. His whole countenance was dark. We talked for a while. He told me that he lived all over. In parks, he would sleep on the floor of house's of people he worked with. He said he wanted to try. He wanted to change. He just didn't seem too sure about it. I asked him why he just wouldn't go to his mom's house and get away from the people that he hung around. He got a bit defensive and told me that I don't even know who he hangs around and that he doesn't even have any friends. That right there, told me he wasn't ready to change. I asked him if someone was going to come and pick him up. He said he needed to call someone. He called a couple of numbers and they wouldn't answer. Finally he found someone that would give him a ride, to I really don't know where. He told me to take him to a Chevron station and that is where he would get picked up. When I took him there, the person he was going with was already there. I looked at the guy, and the worst feeling came over me as I watched J get in his car. It wasn't good news. I just cried.Who was this person. It was J's voice. It was J's body. But it most certainly wasn't J I thought he was. I cried the whole way home. Where was he going? What was he doing? Was he safe? I was terrified.
One Sunday morning in April, we were getting ready for church. J always seemed to have an excuse to not go or to leave early. I got myself and the kids ready. He was still asleep on the couch. I went upstairs to get something. It was about time to go. When I went back downstairs, J was in the bathroom. I noticed his phone on the couch. I know this is terrible, but any time I could get a hold of his phone I would. I wanted to see his texts and who he was calling. One time I saw a text from a girl named Chantelle. I asked him about it and he said it was just someone from this new job that he had. I checked his texts. There was a text from a guy that asked if he had any blues. What were blues? I texted him back as if I were J and made him look like a total idiot I'm sure. I asked him what blues were. He texted back 30's. Hmmmm...I Googled drug slang for blues and 30's. They both said that it was a slang term used by addicts that referred to oxycodone (loratab). I was so upset. I never handled things in the best way because I would let my emotions take control. When he came out of the bathroom, I asked him what blues were. He looked at me like a deer caught in headlights. He said he didn't know what I was talking about. So I asked what 30's meant. He said he didn't know. I told him his buddy just texted asking him for some. He was furious that I read his texts. He said that it just meant Sudafed. His friend was sick and he gave him some Sudafed a couple of weeks ago and he probably just needed more. Sure. Ok.
It was now May and it was getting really close to school being out for the summer. I was so sad. I was accepted into the Elementary Ed program this fall and so I am not able to work and do that as well because it is such an intense program and it is also almost 19 credits. So not only did I have to leave a job I loved, teachers I loved and admired, a staff that was amazing, the best boss and principal that anyone could ever ask for, and kids I adored and loved so much, but it was Addie's last year being in elementary school. A couple of days before school got out, I was crying thinking about it being my last couple of days. J saw me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him why I was upset. He told me that he wanted to take me on a date the next night. I thought that he was making more of an effort lately and was feeling a bit better about things. I was excited! The next day at school as I was cleaning out my classroom and packing up my personal stuff, I would start to get teary. Then I would think about going out with J that night. It would make me feel a bit better for a while. I at least had that to look forward to.
That night I called him at five thirty and asked when he would be home so that I would be ready. He told me he was just finishing an appointment for work and he would be on his way. He said it would be around thirty minutes. It was now six thirty. No J. I called his phone. It rang and rang. No answer. I waited another half hour. Called again, still no answer. It was now about seven thirty. I called it for a half hour straight. No answer. Finally a girl answered. Wait...a girl? I looked at my phone to make sure it was J's number I dialed. Yep it was his number. I said hello. The girl acted a little hesitant to talk to me. I asked who she was. She said she just found this phone in a Maverick parking lot. I asked her what Maverick it was. She hesitantly told me. I asked her to take it to the cashier there and I would come pick it up. She still seemed hesitant, and a little odd. I asked my mom if I could use her car (since he had mine) to go get it. I drove down there. I went in and asked the cashier about the cell phone. She said she knew nothing about a phone. I asked her to ask her other co-workers. She did and said they didn't know of one either. I asked her if she was sure she asked everyone. It had to be there. She looked at me like I was crazy and said that she was sure she asked all of them. I walked out to the car so confused.
I got home and called his phone again. It now went straight to voice mail. Oh how I DESPISED his voice mail. It seemed like the majority of the time I ever tried to call him, I would hear, "This is J. I'm not available. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."I called it over and over. It was now eleven. Still no sign of him. I walked up and down the street looking, watching, waiting, sobbing. Where was he? What if something happened to him? I sat on a big rock I had walked to about a mile away. I waited there forever watching all of the cars go up and down the road, hoping one of them would be him. I was praying and praying. I finally walked back home. I laid on the couch in the living room just waiting for him to walk through the door. I sat there all night. Literally. I must have dozed off for a while. When I woke up, I looked at the clock and it was six in the morning. I ran to the window to see if the car was there. No car. It was the last day of school. I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father to help me relax. The kids woke up excited as could be that it was the last day of school. I tried to put a happy face on. I couldn't kill their excitement. My parents were heading out of town. Luckily they left me my dad's truck, so I had a way to get to school. I drove two very happy kiddos to school. I was still trying to keep my happy face on. Addie could see right through it. She kept asking if I was ok.
It is tradition for the faculty and staff to play the fifth graders in kick ball on the last day of school. I was looking so forward to playing when I heard about it. I went in the school. I went straight to my classroom. I kept the light off. I went to a corner where I wasn't very well seen. I couldn't keep the tears in. I sobbed and prayed. Michelle (our darling principal) came in the room and asked if I was going to go out and play kickball. I told her I would try to in a few minutes. I tried for several minutes to compose myself enough to go out. Finally about a half hour later, I felt like I could do it.
I walked out there and the first person I saw was my dear friend Julie. She turned around and I know she could immediately tell I had been crying. She asked if I was ok. The flood gates reopened. I couldn't stay out there like that. I went back in and hid in my room until school was out. I couldn't even compose myself enough to go and say good bye to anyone.
I drove a very happy group of kiddos home. They were going to have a little friend party to celebrate the last day. They were playing outside. I remembered that there was this neighborhood that J ran out of gas and got a flat tire in the exact same spot. I knew he must have gone there a lot. I felt like I should drive there and see if I could see him. I told the kids I was running to the store. I started driving down the street of that neighborhood. I was looking everywhere. I drove a little further. There, on the side of a run down house, was my car. What should I do? I was scared to know what I might find if I knocked on the door. I pulled over. Walked over to the car and was just looking in it. I don't know what I was looking for. I guess just any sign of what was happening. I didn't dare knock on the door of the house. I started walking back to the truck when a girl came out of the house. She said hi and acted like I should know her. I had never seen this girl before in my life. She said that J was walking down the street a while ago and that she had never seen anybody act the way he was acting. She said he told her he thought he was having a heart attack. I asked her if she would mind telling me what her relationship was with J. She told me that he was friends with her boyfriend. I asked her if he was still walking somewhere. She said he wasn't, he was in the house. She asked if I wanted to see him. I reluctantly said yes. I followed her to the door. I hesitated going in, and she seemed hesitant to let me in. Right when I walked in I felt yucky. I looked in the kitchen and I see J standing at the sink filling an ice cube tray with water and he had a sandwich in his other hand. I just looked at him like What in the heck? He looked at me and acted like, "oh great, I'm caught.". We went outside. I completely lost it. I asked him what in the world he was doing. I asked him if he thought this was ok to do this to someone. I then told him he needed to drive my car home, and then he needed to stay away from me and my kids.
He followed me home. He wanted to go in the house and I would not let him. No way. I told him I didn't want the kids to have to see us fighting. He asked me why we were fighting at all. REALLY?! That right there was reason enough for me to be upset. I asked him to go ahead and explain what was going on. He gave me this long explanation of how the car got a hole in the oil pan and it leaked out and broke down, and how he walked all night. NONE of it made sense. Not one bit. I didn't even want to pursue getting the real story because I knew how it would go. I asked him to please let me see his phone. He said no. I asked him again. He asked why. I said that I wanted to see if he got my texts and phone calls because he claimed he didn't. He said I could look at it, but only for a minute. Of course I went right to the texts, not to check mine, but to see if I could find out what really was going on. There was a text from some girl named Delia. They had a very friendly conversation and he even had a pet name for her and told her he would be right over to her house. Then I saw another conversation with some guy. They were talking about getting their scrips (prescriptions I'm assuming) and how they would sell them. There was a lot of drug slang in there I didn't understand and at this point he was screaming at me to give him back his phone. He said that girl was a co-worker. Yeah right. He said I didn't know what the heck I was talking about with the other conversation I read. I told him he needed to leave and that he could not live here. He started complaining that there was no way he could carry all of his stuff. I told him to just take the car. I didn't care at this point. I just needed him gone. I couldn't do it anymore. He left. That day was the 23rd of May.
On May 29th I got a phone call. It was a really weird number. I didn't answer it. It rang again with the same number. I picked up my phone. I hear on the other line, "This is a prepaid call from an inmate in purgatory". I knew exactly who it was. J's voice then comes on the other line. He asked if I would come bail him out. I asked why he was arrested. He said because of the registration. He also had a ticket that he never paid so there was a warrant out for his arrest for that too. I asked him if that was all. He hesitantly said also drug paraphernalia. I told him I was sorry, but I wasn't going to bail him out. He LOST it. He was screaming at me and told me I would regret not bailing him out. Then he hung up on me.
I still had that baggie with the drugs in it. I thought now was a great time to take it to the police station. I did. The police officer that was helping me looked at the bag and without even looking closely he said it was meth. WHOA!! Meth! He said that there was nothing that he could do about it. The drugs have to physically be found on someone in order for them to be arrested. He did take J's name and as many other names as I could remember of people that he associated with.
His brother bailed him out of jail and took him to his mom's because J told him he would go straight to rehab. Within a day and a half he was not at his mom's house anymore. I didn't see or hear a word from him for two weeks. Nobody in his family did either. Our 12th anniversary was June 8. It was an extremely hard day. I thought by this point, something might have happened to him.
He had used my phone to call one of his friends once. I remembered that I had kept that number in case I ever needed it. I texted him and asked if he knew where J was and if he was ok. No response. I did a little research and figured out his so called bosses number. I texted him as well. He did respond and told me he saw him earlier that day and that he was fine. I asked him some questions about where he was living and what he was doing. He told me he had his kids that weekend and that he would talk to me the next day after they went back with his ex wife.
One thirty that morning my phone rings. I look and it was his friend. I was trying to wake up and be more coherent as I was asleep. I didn't answer it in time. I thought for sure something was wrong with J for him to be calling at one thirty in the morning. He texted me right after and said to call him as soon as I could. I called him right back and he just wanted to know what was going on with J. What? At one thirty in the morning. I told him my concerns and what was going on. He didn't offer me much, actually any information.
I would text him frequently to have him communicate stuff to J for me as his phone was turned off now. I had no idea where he was living still.
One Saturday afternoon. It was actually the day before Father's Day, my phone rings and it was that friend of J's. I answered and talked to him for a good five minutes. He told me J really missed me. I said that I found that hard to believe. He said he did. I said then if he did he would be getting the help he would need to overcome this horrible addiction. Then he said, "I'm going straight to rehab after my court date.". Hold up. Did he just say "I'm"? J? He said yes it was him. That was the first time I had talked to him in almost three weeks. I started asking a million questions. He told me he wanted to see me that night and we could talk then. I told him I would meet him at a gas station by my parent's house at 8:00 that night.
I told my dad and my sister that I was going to talk to them. My dad really didn't want me to because it made him nervous. I told him I would call him if I needed anything. I get to the gas station at 8. I waited about 20 minutes. No J. My phone rings and it wasn't a number I knew. I answered it and it was J telling me he had to find a ride, but he was on his way. Finally at nine he shows up. I looked over as he opened the car door. My heart sank. I could not believe in a three week period of time, the difference in how he looked. He was already looking different before, but this was unbelievable. The way he was dressed, his long dirty hair, his scruffy face, but the biggest change was in his eyes. They were just dark. Not the same beautiful blue eyes that always had a sparkle in them. His whole countenance was dark. We talked for a while. He told me that he lived all over. In parks, he would sleep on the floor of house's of people he worked with. He said he wanted to try. He wanted to change. He just didn't seem too sure about it. I asked him why he just wouldn't go to his mom's house and get away from the people that he hung around. He got a bit defensive and told me that I don't even know who he hangs around and that he doesn't even have any friends. That right there, told me he wasn't ready to change. I asked him if someone was going to come and pick him up. He said he needed to call someone. He called a couple of numbers and they wouldn't answer. Finally he found someone that would give him a ride, to I really don't know where. He told me to take him to a Chevron station and that is where he would get picked up. When I took him there, the person he was going with was already there. I looked at the guy, and the worst feeling came over me as I watched J get in his car. It wasn't good news. I just cried.Who was this person. It was J's voice. It was J's body. But it most certainly wasn't J I thought he was. I cried the whole way home. Where was he going? What was he doing? Was he safe? I was terrified.
Comments
Post a Comment