Confused, Crazy, Alone...
I'm going to back up just a bit here. After J was initially confronted about the pain meds, I held a little bit of a grudge. A grudge towards his mom, towards his family, towards my family, towards myself. I did because how dare any of us think this of the man I loved more than life?! Every once in a while, my mom would ask if I thought J was ok. Or my brother and sister-in-law would say something. Or J would come and tell me things his family or mom would say. I would get SO angry. I would get defensive and let Satan put a little bit of a wedge in those relationships. J always told me how his family hated him. He would always say he was the outcast. I started to resent them a little because he would always seem so hurt by them. I didn't give them a chance to prove otherwise. I just took his word for it, and would be miserable for having the feelings I did. He would make comments about how my family didn't like him sometimes as well. He never would say stuff like that before. If he thought people didn't like him, either he didn't care, or he just wouldn't say anything.
In February of 2011, J approached me about going to work in North Dakota in the oil fields. He had a friend that worked there and was telling him you could make really good money. Well that was something that we certainly did not have much of. I just didn't feel good about it from the minute he talked about it. For one, I felt school was MUCH more important. And I also didn't like the fact that he would be gone for several weeks at a time. I told him I didn't think that it was a good idea. He was upset that I wasn't supporting the idea.
I still continued to have the feelings that something was not right with J creep up on me. Most often when I would have those feelings, I would tell him. He would reassure me that nothing was wrong, that I had nothing to worry about. I would get upset at myself, bury those feelings as deep as I could, and then the cycle would eventually start again.
One day I was looking at my account on the college website where you can see your schedule, grades, financial aid stuff, etc. Oddly I wasn't really sure of what J's school schedule was exactly because he would go straight to work after a class or would go straight to a class after work. So I wanted to look at his schedule. I got into his account, my heart sank as I saw he had withdrawn from school! He didn't go the whole fall semester either like I thought. What in the world? I just assumed he went and never really asked him a lot about it. I didn't ever see him study. He would tell me he studied a lot at one of his jobs, or would go to the library. I was so sad.
I confronted him about it. He said he told me he had withdrawn a long time back. I racked my brain. I KNOW I would remember something like that. Why did I not remember? I kept saying I didn't remember that conversation, and he said he knew that he told me. Ok, I was still uneasy, but I convinced myself to believe it.
Even though he knew that I didn't want him to go to North Dakota, he still seemed pretty set on it. I remembered Addie's second grade teacher telling me once that her husband worked in North Dakota. I thought I would try and go ask her about it and see if she could enlighten me on what it was like. I ran into her at the school the following week and asked her if her husband still worked there. She said he did and he was stressed out because his driver just quit, and he was in desperate need of another one asap. PERFECT! I didn't know her extremely well, but I knew that she was an amazing person and that they had the same religious beliefs and same standards and values as we did. I told her that my husband was going to go up there to work and that he may be interested in the job. She gave me her husband's phone number.
I ran out to my car and hurried and called J! He was willing to look into the job because he could see that I was finally on board with the idea. I really wasn't on board, but I knew that he was going whether I wanted him to or not, so I was just excited that he would be with a trustworthy, good person.
He was hired with her husband and was set to leave the beginning of April. I thought it was odd that he kept telling me that he was so glad he passed his drug test because he had to not take his prescribed amount for a while so that he could pass. Something about it just didn't seem right.
He left the week before Easter. Literally the day that he was driving up there, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. We had been trying for SO long to have another baby. It was so odd that I got pregnant so easily with my other two and then after I had them, I had three miscarriages and just couldn't get pregnant. Now he wasn't even there to be with me, nor I with him, as I'm sure he was having a hard time as well.
I didn't know if I would survive having him gone. I missed him so much. I didn't get to talk to him very often because of our cell phone service. It was really hard.
The kids and I started to adjust the best we could. Surprisingly, Koleman didn't have too hard of a time with the change of dad not being around. Addie really missed him. She would always ask me when he was coming home next or if he would be there for certain occasions. She was really having a hard time with him not being home.
He came home in June and surprised Addie for her ninth birthday. It was so good to have him home. I was a little disappointed because while he was home, he didn't seem as happy to be home as I thought he would be. I came to the conclusion that he was probably trying to catch up on a lot of sleep because they had such crazy hours, and I knew he was working hard and not getting much sleep.
The next month every time I talked to him, he was so distant and almost acted like it was a huge chore to have to talk to me.
In the meantime, my friend, whose husband J worked for, and I started talking a lot. She came to me one time a little concerned about J. She told me that her husband was worried about him because he wasn't sleeping in their trailer. He also said J wouldn't talk to him very much and when they weren't working, he never really knew where J was. I asked J about it, and he told me that he didn't like her husband. He wasn't very personable and he didn't like being around him. He also told me that he didn't really have a bed in his trailer and was very uncomfortable there, so he was sleeping in some other guy's trailer. I had a very yucky feeling about that and I didn't even know why. I just did. I didn't tell J that because I knew he would tell me not to worry that everything was ok.
A couple of weeks went by. I called J and he seemed VERY distant. I felt like he almost didn't want to even talk to me. I asked him if he was ok. He said he was. I said I didn't believe that he was. He said he did something that he shouldn't have. I told him not to be afraid to tell me. So he did. He told me he drank. That is something that we just don't believe in doing. I was shocked. But what shocked me even more was that I wasn't angry. I just wanted to help him and wanted him to know that this was something we could work through.
As time went on, I felt like I needed some counseling. I was just so worried about J. A friend of mine recommended a counselor and I started seeing him. I would go once a week.
In August J told me that he wanted to quit working for Eric (his boss), and be a dispatcher for Cascade which is the company Eric drove for. He told me they offered him a job that would be more money and have benefits. Although the money would be nice, it just wasn't fair to Eric. He had only worked for him for five months and I didn't want him to be left high and dry. Besides that I really had a lot of respect for he and his sweet wife (who at that point was my dear friend). J told me he would make sure that Eric would be ok and that he would even help him find another driver. I told him to do what he felt was best. I honestly thought he would think about it and realize that he had made a commitment to Eric and that he would stick it out. I was shocked when he told me it was a done deal. He quit with Eric and was starting the new job the next day. I was so sad. I felt horrible. It was me who suggested that Eric give J a chance. I was scared to talk to Julie (his wife/my friend) about it. I didn't want her to be upset at me. When I talked to her I told her that I was so sorry and that I was surprised that J actually quit. She said that she was surprised that I said that because he told Eric that I had prayed about it and I, too felt like he should quit and do this other job. I was so angry that J would do that. I asked him why he told them that and he said that he thought that is what I said. I was honestly starting to wonder if I was going crazy. I knew I didn't say that, but maybe I did????
Julie told me she was worried about J working in that environment because it would be extremely hard for him to stop drinking and smoking when he was constantly surrounded by it. HOLD UP!!! DRINKING AND SMOKING??? What?! I asked her what she was talking about and she felt bad because she thought it was something I knew about. She told me that Eric said every time J would come in the trailer, he would go right to the sink and brush his teeth. He just thought it was odd. Then one day after J was done driving, and Eric was going to take over, when Eric got in the truck there was a cigarette on the floor. He asked J about it and J told him that it was an old habit that he had started up again. WHOA!!!
When J came home the next time, I felt that he should come to counseling with me. He consented to go. I had told the counselor previously what had been going on in my life. He told me that it sounded like J did in fact have a prescription drug problem. As crazy as this sounds, I still wouldn't believe it. With all that was going on and all these things I was hearing. I didn't want it to be true. It couldn't be true.
J automatically hated the counselor. He said that he knew nothing and that he was not going to go back. The session, needless to say, didn't go well. He was very blunt with J and out right asked him if he had a prescription drug problem. J said no. He asked him about the smoking and drinking. J said that the cigarette was not his it was another driver's. He had to tell Eric it was his because it was a huge no no to let anyone else in the truck and if Eric knew he had, he would have been fired.
After the session, J was FURIOUS with me. He couldn't believe I would tell him those things. I tried to tell him that I was just telling him my concerns and that I didn't know if they were true or not. He said, "Well they aren't true." Again, I convinced myself J was telling the truth. And again, I was angry at myself for thinking otherwise. Those feelings didn't last very long however. I was SO confused! Logically, the picture was painted pretty clear of the things that were really happening, but at the time I wanted to so badly not believe these things, so I didn't...
In February of 2011, J approached me about going to work in North Dakota in the oil fields. He had a friend that worked there and was telling him you could make really good money. Well that was something that we certainly did not have much of. I just didn't feel good about it from the minute he talked about it. For one, I felt school was MUCH more important. And I also didn't like the fact that he would be gone for several weeks at a time. I told him I didn't think that it was a good idea. He was upset that I wasn't supporting the idea.
I still continued to have the feelings that something was not right with J creep up on me. Most often when I would have those feelings, I would tell him. He would reassure me that nothing was wrong, that I had nothing to worry about. I would get upset at myself, bury those feelings as deep as I could, and then the cycle would eventually start again.
One day I was looking at my account on the college website where you can see your schedule, grades, financial aid stuff, etc. Oddly I wasn't really sure of what J's school schedule was exactly because he would go straight to work after a class or would go straight to a class after work. So I wanted to look at his schedule. I got into his account, my heart sank as I saw he had withdrawn from school! He didn't go the whole fall semester either like I thought. What in the world? I just assumed he went and never really asked him a lot about it. I didn't ever see him study. He would tell me he studied a lot at one of his jobs, or would go to the library. I was so sad.
I confronted him about it. He said he told me he had withdrawn a long time back. I racked my brain. I KNOW I would remember something like that. Why did I not remember? I kept saying I didn't remember that conversation, and he said he knew that he told me. Ok, I was still uneasy, but I convinced myself to believe it.
Even though he knew that I didn't want him to go to North Dakota, he still seemed pretty set on it. I remembered Addie's second grade teacher telling me once that her husband worked in North Dakota. I thought I would try and go ask her about it and see if she could enlighten me on what it was like. I ran into her at the school the following week and asked her if her husband still worked there. She said he did and he was stressed out because his driver just quit, and he was in desperate need of another one asap. PERFECT! I didn't know her extremely well, but I knew that she was an amazing person and that they had the same religious beliefs and same standards and values as we did. I told her that my husband was going to go up there to work and that he may be interested in the job. She gave me her husband's phone number.
I ran out to my car and hurried and called J! He was willing to look into the job because he could see that I was finally on board with the idea. I really wasn't on board, but I knew that he was going whether I wanted him to or not, so I was just excited that he would be with a trustworthy, good person.
He was hired with her husband and was set to leave the beginning of April. I thought it was odd that he kept telling me that he was so glad he passed his drug test because he had to not take his prescribed amount for a while so that he could pass. Something about it just didn't seem right.
He left the week before Easter. Literally the day that he was driving up there, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. We had been trying for SO long to have another baby. It was so odd that I got pregnant so easily with my other two and then after I had them, I had three miscarriages and just couldn't get pregnant. Now he wasn't even there to be with me, nor I with him, as I'm sure he was having a hard time as well.
I didn't know if I would survive having him gone. I missed him so much. I didn't get to talk to him very often because of our cell phone service. It was really hard.
The kids and I started to adjust the best we could. Surprisingly, Koleman didn't have too hard of a time with the change of dad not being around. Addie really missed him. She would always ask me when he was coming home next or if he would be there for certain occasions. She was really having a hard time with him not being home.
He came home in June and surprised Addie for her ninth birthday. It was so good to have him home. I was a little disappointed because while he was home, he didn't seem as happy to be home as I thought he would be. I came to the conclusion that he was probably trying to catch up on a lot of sleep because they had such crazy hours, and I knew he was working hard and not getting much sleep.
The next month every time I talked to him, he was so distant and almost acted like it was a huge chore to have to talk to me.
In the meantime, my friend, whose husband J worked for, and I started talking a lot. She came to me one time a little concerned about J. She told me that her husband was worried about him because he wasn't sleeping in their trailer. He also said J wouldn't talk to him very much and when they weren't working, he never really knew where J was. I asked J about it, and he told me that he didn't like her husband. He wasn't very personable and he didn't like being around him. He also told me that he didn't really have a bed in his trailer and was very uncomfortable there, so he was sleeping in some other guy's trailer. I had a very yucky feeling about that and I didn't even know why. I just did. I didn't tell J that because I knew he would tell me not to worry that everything was ok.
A couple of weeks went by. I called J and he seemed VERY distant. I felt like he almost didn't want to even talk to me. I asked him if he was ok. He said he was. I said I didn't believe that he was. He said he did something that he shouldn't have. I told him not to be afraid to tell me. So he did. He told me he drank. That is something that we just don't believe in doing. I was shocked. But what shocked me even more was that I wasn't angry. I just wanted to help him and wanted him to know that this was something we could work through.
As time went on, I felt like I needed some counseling. I was just so worried about J. A friend of mine recommended a counselor and I started seeing him. I would go once a week.
In August J told me that he wanted to quit working for Eric (his boss), and be a dispatcher for Cascade which is the company Eric drove for. He told me they offered him a job that would be more money and have benefits. Although the money would be nice, it just wasn't fair to Eric. He had only worked for him for five months and I didn't want him to be left high and dry. Besides that I really had a lot of respect for he and his sweet wife (who at that point was my dear friend). J told me he would make sure that Eric would be ok and that he would even help him find another driver. I told him to do what he felt was best. I honestly thought he would think about it and realize that he had made a commitment to Eric and that he would stick it out. I was shocked when he told me it was a done deal. He quit with Eric and was starting the new job the next day. I was so sad. I felt horrible. It was me who suggested that Eric give J a chance. I was scared to talk to Julie (his wife/my friend) about it. I didn't want her to be upset at me. When I talked to her I told her that I was so sorry and that I was surprised that J actually quit. She said that she was surprised that I said that because he told Eric that I had prayed about it and I, too felt like he should quit and do this other job. I was so angry that J would do that. I asked him why he told them that and he said that he thought that is what I said. I was honestly starting to wonder if I was going crazy. I knew I didn't say that, but maybe I did????
Julie told me she was worried about J working in that environment because it would be extremely hard for him to stop drinking and smoking when he was constantly surrounded by it. HOLD UP!!! DRINKING AND SMOKING??? What?! I asked her what she was talking about and she felt bad because she thought it was something I knew about. She told me that Eric said every time J would come in the trailer, he would go right to the sink and brush his teeth. He just thought it was odd. Then one day after J was done driving, and Eric was going to take over, when Eric got in the truck there was a cigarette on the floor. He asked J about it and J told him that it was an old habit that he had started up again. WHOA!!!
When J came home the next time, I felt that he should come to counseling with me. He consented to go. I had told the counselor previously what had been going on in my life. He told me that it sounded like J did in fact have a prescription drug problem. As crazy as this sounds, I still wouldn't believe it. With all that was going on and all these things I was hearing. I didn't want it to be true. It couldn't be true.
J automatically hated the counselor. He said that he knew nothing and that he was not going to go back. The session, needless to say, didn't go well. He was very blunt with J and out right asked him if he had a prescription drug problem. J said no. He asked him about the smoking and drinking. J said that the cigarette was not his it was another driver's. He had to tell Eric it was his because it was a huge no no to let anyone else in the truck and if Eric knew he had, he would have been fired.
After the session, J was FURIOUS with me. He couldn't believe I would tell him those things. I tried to tell him that I was just telling him my concerns and that I didn't know if they were true or not. He said, "Well they aren't true." Again, I convinced myself J was telling the truth. And again, I was angry at myself for thinking otherwise. Those feelings didn't last very long however. I was SO confused! Logically, the picture was painted pretty clear of the things that were really happening, but at the time I wanted to so badly not believe these things, so I didn't...
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