I didn't realize......

 In my last post, I mentioned at the end that nobody has seen or heard from J in almost four weeks now. Last night I called the police and filed a missing persons report. I took Addie and her friends to the high school football game at Desert Hills. I was sitting there with Koley (poor boy was mortified by all the noise and chaos!) while Addie and her friends were off socializing. I heard something come through on my phone, but was trying to comfort Koley and didn't pay attention to it. It finally got to the point where he couldn't take being there any longer. I told my friend (Addie's best friend's mom), that I was going to take Koleman to get something to eat and that I would be right back to get the girls. As we were walking out to the car, I remembered that my phone went off. I pulled it out and saw that I had an email. Whenever my attorney or his legal assistant email me, in the subject line it always says J's name. I saw that it was his name and then it said, "PLEASE read this!". I thought, "Oh no! What has happened?". Then it dawned on me, it was an email from J!!!!! How ironic that literally three hours after I file a missing persons report, I hear from him after not hearing a word in three and a half weeks. He told me that he didn't contest anything in the divorce papers. He said he wished I wouldn't have gone through a lawyer because I would have saved a lot of money and it would have been handled a lot better. Then he went on to say that that wasn't the reason he was really emailing me. He said he misses the kids terribly. He said that he has distanced himself from them because he doesn't want to make it harder on them if he breaks down in front of them. He said he knows how important it is to be honest and that he has been doing extremely well at it. He said he is doing better and trying to become the person he should be.
 Once again, I was so caught off guard. Even though I was mortified at where he was and what might have happened to him the last few weeks, I was finally feeling a sense of peace and reassurance that I can do this. That I can have my power back for myself and not be so consumed and so co-dependent on him. I want to believe every word from that email. I want it so badly to be true. But I just can't let myself go there. I can't. I'm not saying it isn't true. I'm not trying to take anything away from him that could very well be happening. I just can't start the cycle again. The cycle of him disappearing, coming back unexpectedly, telling me he wants help, he wants to change, he wants us to be a family again, me believing him, me finding out it isn't true, then going through extreme amounts of hurt and yearning for him to really want us. To really want us enough to have the desire to really get help, to really change. With he not responding to the petition within the amount of time that was allotted to do so, that means the divorce papers can be filed and it can be final as soon as next week. I am almost a divorced person. I would have NEVER EVER in a MILLION years thought that would be my outcome. EVER. I am still in shock. I really am.
 I did respond to his email. I told him that I was glad he contacted me and that we were all very worried about him. I then went on to say that I miss him. Not this him, the REAL him. I told him that I know with every ounce of my heart we were meant to be together. We were made for each other. I was supposed to be married for time and all eternity to J, not anyone else, J. I told him that it is extremely hard and almost disturbing to see MY J's body, to hear MY J's voice, but to have it not be MY J. I wasn't meant for this person that has taken over his body. We are not supposed to be together. I was meant for the person that should be in that body.
 He asked how I wanted him to contact us and how I wanted him to be able to see the kids. I reluctantly told him in my response that I honestly am not sure at this point what would be in the kids best interest. Most definitely having their dad in their lives is the ideal circumstance, but they are hurt and confused right now. They want THEIR dad just like I want MY husband. Not this person that looks like their dad. I told him that I know he is angry that I have told them that satan has influenced him to make choices that are taking him away from us. I then tried to convey that if I hadn't told them that, they would both just be wondering why he doesn't love them. Why they are not worth enough for him to see them, or even call them for that matter.
 Last week, I had just gotten the kids to bed. I was out in the family room. Koleman comes out and says that Addie is sad. The thing is these two little rascals will do ANYTHING to get out of bed and not go to sleep. So I just told him I would come in there in a minute. He comes out a little later and says, "You need to be a mom and go and see why Addie is sad.". Wow did that make me feel like mother of the year!!! I hopped up and went in there. I felt horrible. He was not kidding. She was on her bed sobbing. It took a lot of coaxing and prodding to get out of her what was causing her to cry. She kept telling me that I would think it was silly, and that it was something she shouldn't even be sad about. I reassured her that if anything was making her upset it wasn't silly and that I would never think that. We had just read scriptures before they got in bed so I don't know if that was what sparked it, but she said that she was thinking about how we have eternal life. She said it was scary to think that there is not an end that we just live forever. I told her that I have thought that many times myself. I said that our minds are only human and that it is hard and overwhelming to comprehend such a thing. She tried to leave it at that, but I knew that wasn't all that was really making her cry. I asked again and again what else was bothering her. She finally told me that she didn't want to live forever without her dad. It just showed me how much this really has impacted her and that she probably thinks about things a LOT more than I realize.
 Then on Sunday we had a family home evening and I had the kids do the same thing as I had done in Young Women at church with the Family Proclamation. We talked about it and it led to us talking about J. Koleman kept saying that he didn't want to remember anything about him. I told him that we should remember the good memories and who he really is. I asked if he remembered how he and his dad would always wrestle and J would tickle him. He looks at me after I asked with great big tears in his eyes and his chin quivering. Then he screams bloody murder and yells, "Don't remind me! It's too hard! I want my dad!".
 This morning I told the kids how it works, that I have sole custody of them and what that means, but that Kevin has the right to come and see them every week. I asked them if they were ready for that to start happening. I wasn't shocked that Koleman said no, but Addie's response did surprise me. She said, "I'm not ready for that yet.".
 I really didn't realize the depth of the hurt and sadness they have experienced. Addie was always the FIRST to run into J's arms the minute he would come home. This is just not how it should be. I just want them to be happy. I want J to be happy. But unfortunately, he is looking for it in all the wrong places.