I had NO idea what was coming.
It was almost August over a year ago. I was trying to prepare myself and the kids for the new school year. Koleman was now in third grade and Addie in fifth. I was trying to snap out of what seems like a comatose state I had been in for the last month and a half prior. Koleman was going to have an amazing teacher yet again (I LOVE their school!!). I wasn't really worried about him for the school year. I was extremely excited actually.
I had put off taking the math classes I needed to take as prior to being able to apply for the Elementary Education program. Because of my procrastinating nature, I had all of my generals under my belt and all my pre-req elementary ed classes done, except math 2010 and math 2020. Unfortunately, there is no way you can take them at the same time. So I had a full two semesters ahead of me with just one class in each. They were also both night classes.
Our computer lab aide at the school was quitting. I really wanted to do her job so that I could have more hours, along with my LLI (leveled literacy intervention) reading groups, and helping with the extended day kindergarten. I approached my darling principal with the idea. She was so sweet and told me that it could probably work. I had to apply for the job because that was policy. I did and she gave it to me. So I was going to be there all day!
Although, I liked the fact that I was there if Koleman, or even Addie needed me, I feel like it was too much of a crutch for Koley. He occasionally would sneak down to my classroom even during class. He would go in there for recess. He would eat lunch in there. When he had computers with me every week, he took it for granted and wouldn't do anything I asked him to do (I could never teach my own kids in a real class!!). However, I was there to actually witness the things that I needed to work on with him at home. My LLI groups were right around the corner from his classroom. I could hear him often. Sometimes he would be whistling, sometimes he would be laughing, sometimes he would be singing, and sometimes he would be screaming. I knew what I needed to do to teach him proper etiquette for school because I actually witnessed it myself. Things I saw and heard, his teacher might not have, or just might not have told me.
He was off to a great year, and again had a darling class full of kids that just wanted to be there to help him and look out for him. Every year in school, we have been blessed in that department. These kids are honestly exceptionally amazing for the most part. They are so sweet and kind. It's funny because the only time we have ever had a problem with anyone being mean or not patient with him, they were always new to the school. They didn't have the opportunity to be around him since kindergarten like most of the other kids did.
Another thing we did, which was started in first grade, was we had our school counselor (who we also love and adore) go and talk to the whole class at the beginning of the year while Koleman would be in the special ed room. She would tell them what Aspergers is and how Koleman's mind works differently than theirs. It was so neat of them to do that for him. I thought about going in myself and talking to his classes each year, but it was suggested we have the counselor do it, and it was the best thing to do!!
J was home at this point. He would come around here and there to see us. Then he moved in with us. That's when things started taking a toll on both of the kids. For a good couple of months, everything seemed to be going great (to a person as naive as I am). J was looking for a job and I was LOVING mine!
Koley was starting to refuse to do certain things like his homework, writing at all, or going out for recess. I was worried. I'm ashamed to admit this, and I can't believe I'm going to. I was so consumed with worrying about where J was when he wasn't home or with us, what he was doing, who he was with, and trying to find out the answers to those questions, I was putting my own precious kids on the back burner so to speak. I wasn't giving them the time and attention that they most certainly deserved.
If Koleman was having a meltdown, instead of helping him work through it in the way I should have, I would just do anything to get him what he wanted so I wouldn't have to "deal" with it. I'm sick as I'm writing this. I can't believe the things I was putting ahead of he and Addie way too often.
I was usually on top of monitoring how much time Koley would spend watching TV and playing video games, but not anymore. I would tell him to turn it off and go outside, or read a book, or get his homework done. Usually, he wouldn't and I didn't do anything to follow through with encouraging it any further. He would get away with it. I don't necessarily want to use the phrase that I "created a monster" because he is such a great kid, but I definitely allowed some terrible habits and routines to form. It's hard breaking a habit or changing a routine for anyone, but doing that with an autistic child is a nightmare for you and especially for him.
Things were rapidly getting worse with J and I, as he was beginning to always be gone at weird times. Things were just always so fishy. As much as I was trying to believe things would be ok, I was terrified they really weren't. Instead of ignoring the odd behaviors and things with J, I was now questioning every odd thing. I would ask him why he was doing this, or why he was gone late, what certain things were, why he seemed so distant, etc. Then it got to the point instead of me asking, I would start automatically accusing. EVERY single day there was something, like I said previously, that was off or sketchy. So EVERY single day we would end up fighting, or most often I would be crying. I remember when I was little, if my mom was ever sad or upset about something, it was really hard for me. That saying, "If Mamma isn't happy, nobody is happy", is a true statement. My poor kids. I always would think it was harder for Addie because she was the one always asking what was wrong, why I was crying, where dad was, why we were never happy. However, Koley was having a hard time with it as well. In both of their eyes, I was the "bad guy". They saw me being cold toward J, as my walls were up tall and thick. And they would see J always trying to hold my hand or always telling me he loved me. Koleman soon started to get really upset at me. He would say almost everyday, "Mom, just trust him. He loves you.". Wow. He heard WAY more than I realized. He was constantly telling me that dad just wanted to be loved by me. He is an extremely insightful little boy.
Not only would I NEVER change one thing about Koleman, but in a way, I am grateful for the way he catches on to things, and doesn't other things. He most definitely is in tune with things that really matter in life. He doesn't waste time or energy worrying what others think, if he has the best clothes, if he is the funniest, or the smartest, or the most popular. He doesn't even think twice about those things.
The year J was in North Dakota and he came home for a three week period over Christmas, we were having our Christmas Eve tradition of my mom reading out of the Bible and the kids acting out the Nativity. My mom was in the middle of reading. The kids were ALL getting restless. They were not really paying much attention. Koleman interrupts my mom and says, "Wait. You need to listen. What she is reading isn't a myff (myth). Jesus really was born and He really did live on the earth. He was sent here to be our Savior. It is true. It is true. It's not a "myff". It's not.". We were all in tears as my precious little 8 year old boy was bearing testimony of the Savior and His birth. When you don't think that he listens when we read the scriptures, or when he is being noisy at church and in primary and it seems as though he doesn't really even care, he always seems to prove me wrong. What an amazing testimony builder that was for me!!!
Another reason I am glad he is in his own world at times. Addie has several dance performances at all the high school half time basketball games throughout our school district every year. One particular night, she had one at Dixie high school. Koleman is a trooper most of the time. He is dragged to most of them. It is usually hard for him to go, not only because he could care less about basketball and watching a bunch of girls dance, but because of all the noise that comes along with basketball games. The loud cheering, the buzzer, the announcer, the band, the music. We all know sporting events are not peaceful in any way shape or form. This particular performance, J was home for a couple of weeks from North Dakota. My best friend (who has also experienced a similar situation with her ex husband), who is Kaysen's (Koley's best buddy since kindergarten) mom, was going to meet us there after work. Kaysen's older sister who is one of Addie's very best friends (we're all just a big happy family really :)), also danced on Addie's dance team that year. So I told their mom I would take them both to the performance to save her time. The girls always have to be there early. If there is ever a way I can make it so Koleman doesn't have to be there longer than he has to, I do . With J being home, I thought it would be a good idea if I took the girls and he came just in time with the boys to watch the performance so they wouldn't have to be there very long. This was before I had a real idea what was really going on with him. He showed up late and didn't even make it to see the girls dance. He told me he was stuck in traffic (because St.George is such a "huge" city.....). Again, it didn't sound right but I believed it. As I started finding more and more things out, I would confide in Kaysen's mom. Not only was she my close friend, but she, more than anyone else in my life at the time, understood. She didn't tell me right away, because she didn't want to offend me. But as I started telling her my concerns about J, she told me that the night of that performance, when she and her kids were on their way home, Kaysen told her that they were late because J pulled into a parking lot and got out and went to another car with some "scary" looking people and talked to them for a long time. He then told her that it made him have a scared feeling...Wow. I still to this day don't know for sure, but most likely it was some sort of a drug deal. It makes me sick. Not only did he put drugs before his daughter, but he put those two precious boys in what could have been a dangerous situation, and caused Kaysen to feel scared. Koleman was oblivious as he sat and played his DS Kaysen told his mom.
Little did I know what this was doing to both of my kids. I had NO idea.
I had put off taking the math classes I needed to take as prior to being able to apply for the Elementary Education program. Because of my procrastinating nature, I had all of my generals under my belt and all my pre-req elementary ed classes done, except math 2010 and math 2020. Unfortunately, there is no way you can take them at the same time. So I had a full two semesters ahead of me with just one class in each. They were also both night classes.
Our computer lab aide at the school was quitting. I really wanted to do her job so that I could have more hours, along with my LLI (leveled literacy intervention) reading groups, and helping with the extended day kindergarten. I approached my darling principal with the idea. She was so sweet and told me that it could probably work. I had to apply for the job because that was policy. I did and she gave it to me. So I was going to be there all day!
Although, I liked the fact that I was there if Koleman, or even Addie needed me, I feel like it was too much of a crutch for Koley. He occasionally would sneak down to my classroom even during class. He would go in there for recess. He would eat lunch in there. When he had computers with me every week, he took it for granted and wouldn't do anything I asked him to do (I could never teach my own kids in a real class!!). However, I was there to actually witness the things that I needed to work on with him at home. My LLI groups were right around the corner from his classroom. I could hear him often. Sometimes he would be whistling, sometimes he would be laughing, sometimes he would be singing, and sometimes he would be screaming. I knew what I needed to do to teach him proper etiquette for school because I actually witnessed it myself. Things I saw and heard, his teacher might not have, or just might not have told me.
He was off to a great year, and again had a darling class full of kids that just wanted to be there to help him and look out for him. Every year in school, we have been blessed in that department. These kids are honestly exceptionally amazing for the most part. They are so sweet and kind. It's funny because the only time we have ever had a problem with anyone being mean or not patient with him, they were always new to the school. They didn't have the opportunity to be around him since kindergarten like most of the other kids did.
Another thing we did, which was started in first grade, was we had our school counselor (who we also love and adore) go and talk to the whole class at the beginning of the year while Koleman would be in the special ed room. She would tell them what Aspergers is and how Koleman's mind works differently than theirs. It was so neat of them to do that for him. I thought about going in myself and talking to his classes each year, but it was suggested we have the counselor do it, and it was the best thing to do!!
J was home at this point. He would come around here and there to see us. Then he moved in with us. That's when things started taking a toll on both of the kids. For a good couple of months, everything seemed to be going great (to a person as naive as I am). J was looking for a job and I was LOVING mine!
Koley was starting to refuse to do certain things like his homework, writing at all, or going out for recess. I was worried. I'm ashamed to admit this, and I can't believe I'm going to. I was so consumed with worrying about where J was when he wasn't home or with us, what he was doing, who he was with, and trying to find out the answers to those questions, I was putting my own precious kids on the back burner so to speak. I wasn't giving them the time and attention that they most certainly deserved.
If Koleman was having a meltdown, instead of helping him work through it in the way I should have, I would just do anything to get him what he wanted so I wouldn't have to "deal" with it. I'm sick as I'm writing this. I can't believe the things I was putting ahead of he and Addie way too often.
I was usually on top of monitoring how much time Koley would spend watching TV and playing video games, but not anymore. I would tell him to turn it off and go outside, or read a book, or get his homework done. Usually, he wouldn't and I didn't do anything to follow through with encouraging it any further. He would get away with it. I don't necessarily want to use the phrase that I "created a monster" because he is such a great kid, but I definitely allowed some terrible habits and routines to form. It's hard breaking a habit or changing a routine for anyone, but doing that with an autistic child is a nightmare for you and especially for him.
Things were rapidly getting worse with J and I, as he was beginning to always be gone at weird times. Things were just always so fishy. As much as I was trying to believe things would be ok, I was terrified they really weren't. Instead of ignoring the odd behaviors and things with J, I was now questioning every odd thing. I would ask him why he was doing this, or why he was gone late, what certain things were, why he seemed so distant, etc. Then it got to the point instead of me asking, I would start automatically accusing. EVERY single day there was something, like I said previously, that was off or sketchy. So EVERY single day we would end up fighting, or most often I would be crying. I remember when I was little, if my mom was ever sad or upset about something, it was really hard for me. That saying, "If Mamma isn't happy, nobody is happy", is a true statement. My poor kids. I always would think it was harder for Addie because she was the one always asking what was wrong, why I was crying, where dad was, why we were never happy. However, Koley was having a hard time with it as well. In both of their eyes, I was the "bad guy". They saw me being cold toward J, as my walls were up tall and thick. And they would see J always trying to hold my hand or always telling me he loved me. Koleman soon started to get really upset at me. He would say almost everyday, "Mom, just trust him. He loves you.". Wow. He heard WAY more than I realized. He was constantly telling me that dad just wanted to be loved by me. He is an extremely insightful little boy.
Not only would I NEVER change one thing about Koleman, but in a way, I am grateful for the way he catches on to things, and doesn't other things. He most definitely is in tune with things that really matter in life. He doesn't waste time or energy worrying what others think, if he has the best clothes, if he is the funniest, or the smartest, or the most popular. He doesn't even think twice about those things.
The year J was in North Dakota and he came home for a three week period over Christmas, we were having our Christmas Eve tradition of my mom reading out of the Bible and the kids acting out the Nativity. My mom was in the middle of reading. The kids were ALL getting restless. They were not really paying much attention. Koleman interrupts my mom and says, "Wait. You need to listen. What she is reading isn't a myff (myth). Jesus really was born and He really did live on the earth. He was sent here to be our Savior. It is true. It is true. It's not a "myff". It's not.". We were all in tears as my precious little 8 year old boy was bearing testimony of the Savior and His birth. When you don't think that he listens when we read the scriptures, or when he is being noisy at church and in primary and it seems as though he doesn't really even care, he always seems to prove me wrong. What an amazing testimony builder that was for me!!!
Another reason I am glad he is in his own world at times. Addie has several dance performances at all the high school half time basketball games throughout our school district every year. One particular night, she had one at Dixie high school. Koleman is a trooper most of the time. He is dragged to most of them. It is usually hard for him to go, not only because he could care less about basketball and watching a bunch of girls dance, but because of all the noise that comes along with basketball games. The loud cheering, the buzzer, the announcer, the band, the music. We all know sporting events are not peaceful in any way shape or form. This particular performance, J was home for a couple of weeks from North Dakota. My best friend (who has also experienced a similar situation with her ex husband), who is Kaysen's (Koley's best buddy since kindergarten) mom, was going to meet us there after work. Kaysen's older sister who is one of Addie's very best friends (we're all just a big happy family really :)), also danced on Addie's dance team that year. So I told their mom I would take them both to the performance to save her time. The girls always have to be there early. If there is ever a way I can make it so Koleman doesn't have to be there longer than he has to, I do . With J being home, I thought it would be a good idea if I took the girls and he came just in time with the boys to watch the performance so they wouldn't have to be there very long. This was before I had a real idea what was really going on with him. He showed up late and didn't even make it to see the girls dance. He told me he was stuck in traffic (because St.George is such a "huge" city.....). Again, it didn't sound right but I believed it. As I started finding more and more things out, I would confide in Kaysen's mom. Not only was she my close friend, but she, more than anyone else in my life at the time, understood. She didn't tell me right away, because she didn't want to offend me. But as I started telling her my concerns about J, she told me that the night of that performance, when she and her kids were on their way home, Kaysen told her that they were late because J pulled into a parking lot and got out and went to another car with some "scary" looking people and talked to them for a long time. He then told her that it made him have a scared feeling...Wow. I still to this day don't know for sure, but most likely it was some sort of a drug deal. It makes me sick. Not only did he put drugs before his daughter, but he put those two precious boys in what could have been a dangerous situation, and caused Kaysen to feel scared. Koleman was oblivious as he sat and played his DS Kaysen told his mom.
Little did I know what this was doing to both of my kids. I had NO idea.
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