Not very positive.........
Some days I just don't feel like I have anymore in me. I'm feeling sorry for myself for a minute so bear with me as I write out my yucky feelings. Today is one of those days I feel like I'm ready to give up. I am so angry at myself for having these helpless feelings. Why can't I be like those amazing people that have WAY tougher trials and they are so optimistic and handle them with such grace? I have SO much to be grateful for. SO much. It's amazing the affect I let J have on me. It is simply because I love him. If I didn't love him or care about him, I could just move on and not look back. Ever since I got his email on Friday night I have been really struggling. I am starting to let it creep back into my thoughts all the time. Where is he? What is he doing? Why doesn't he want us to be in his life enough to want to get help? Why am I not good enough for him? I know where these thoughts come from. I just wish I wouldn't let them come at all. I have literally been sick to my stomach for the last three days. I haven't been doing very well with my eating because of it. I just wish so badly that I could shake this and move forward. I get these moments where I feel so strong and know I can do it and I will be just fine. Then I think of doing it without the person I love so much. The one that I was sealed to for eternity. My partner. My best friend. I'm feeling a bit like Addie was the other night. How can I live for ETERNITY without him? I KNOW Heavenly Father is mindful and has a plan for me. I know He does. So why can't I just put these feelings out of my mind and trust in Him?
I think I said this already, but I started school last week. I was feeling so good about it and confident. I still KNOW that it is where I am supposed to be, and I LOVE what I will be doing for a career, but my confidence the last few days has taken a major dip. I walked into my class today and wanted to dig a hole and hide. I felt like I was a fish out of water. I went to church on Sunday. Same exact thing. I walked in and wanted to run. I feel so out of place. I know hate is a strong word, but I HATE satan. I hate that I let him influence my thoughts the way I have let him these past several days. I was doing so well and feeling so much confidence and peace and BAM!, here he is telling me I'm not good enough to associate with the people at church. I'm not anywhere near where my classmates are when it comes to knowledge and skill. I'm a terrible mother. I am not doing the best I can in all aspects of my life. I must not have been a good enough wife for J to have gotten to the point he is at right now. I'm not good enough wherever I go or whatever I'm doing. He puts these thoughts in my head all day the last several days, and the saddest part is I have been LISTENING and BELIEVING them!! Poor me right?! No!!! Not poor me. I need to be looking at what I do have and what I do have is WAY more than I could ever ask for. I have my precious kids. I have the gospel. And I have amazing family and friends. So why do I do this? Why do I listen to satan? I know that he wants me to be miserable, and I'm giving into his lies. He doesn't want me to keep going to church, because that is exactly where I need to be and want to be surrounded by any and everything that would bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. He doesn't want me to feel like I CAN be good enough to excel in school and be the best I can be. He doesn't want me to have the drive to want to get out in the education world and not only help children intellectually, but more importantly (in my own opinion), help them realize who they are and that they have the power and capacity to be the best people they can be. He wants me to loose my motivation to help these precious children know they are important and they are loved and someone does believe in them. I not only hate satan (I can't even capitalize his name), I DESPISE him.
I am sorry once again for anyone who has read this, and if you haven't already stopped at this point (which I probably would have. Nobody likes hearing anyone sit and feel sorry for themselves), then just know that writing all of my feelings and emotions out like this is actually really helpful for me. I'm not wanting to do it for attention, pity, or to depress anyone. I just have felt that this blog has turned into more of my sounding board. It is very healing for me. I know with all of my heart we weren't sent here to be unhappy and miserable! We were sent here to be happy and progress and grow closer to our Heavenly Father so that we can return to live with He and our Savior! Despite my negativity, I really do know that. Even when these other emotions are taking over. I know He has a plan for all of us. I need to trust in Him. I need to rely on Him. I need to put my faith to the test. I am having a hard day. But I know despite the hard days that are still to come, I can do this. I deep down know I'll be ok. The more I write it out, the more I convince myself that this is true!!!
I think I said this already, but I started school last week. I was feeling so good about it and confident. I still KNOW that it is where I am supposed to be, and I LOVE what I will be doing for a career, but my confidence the last few days has taken a major dip. I walked into my class today and wanted to dig a hole and hide. I felt like I was a fish out of water. I went to church on Sunday. Same exact thing. I walked in and wanted to run. I feel so out of place. I know hate is a strong word, but I HATE satan. I hate that I let him influence my thoughts the way I have let him these past several days. I was doing so well and feeling so much confidence and peace and BAM!, here he is telling me I'm not good enough to associate with the people at church. I'm not anywhere near where my classmates are when it comes to knowledge and skill. I'm a terrible mother. I am not doing the best I can in all aspects of my life. I must not have been a good enough wife for J to have gotten to the point he is at right now. I'm not good enough wherever I go or whatever I'm doing. He puts these thoughts in my head all day the last several days, and the saddest part is I have been LISTENING and BELIEVING them!! Poor me right?! No!!! Not poor me. I need to be looking at what I do have and what I do have is WAY more than I could ever ask for. I have my precious kids. I have the gospel. And I have amazing family and friends. So why do I do this? Why do I listen to satan? I know that he wants me to be miserable, and I'm giving into his lies. He doesn't want me to keep going to church, because that is exactly where I need to be and want to be surrounded by any and everything that would bring me closer to my Heavenly Father. He doesn't want me to feel like I CAN be good enough to excel in school and be the best I can be. He doesn't want me to have the drive to want to get out in the education world and not only help children intellectually, but more importantly (in my own opinion), help them realize who they are and that they have the power and capacity to be the best people they can be. He wants me to loose my motivation to help these precious children know they are important and they are loved and someone does believe in them. I not only hate satan (I can't even capitalize his name), I DESPISE him.
I am sorry once again for anyone who has read this, and if you haven't already stopped at this point (which I probably would have. Nobody likes hearing anyone sit and feel sorry for themselves), then just know that writing all of my feelings and emotions out like this is actually really helpful for me. I'm not wanting to do it for attention, pity, or to depress anyone. I just have felt that this blog has turned into more of my sounding board. It is very healing for me. I know with all of my heart we weren't sent here to be unhappy and miserable! We were sent here to be happy and progress and grow closer to our Heavenly Father so that we can return to live with He and our Savior! Despite my negativity, I really do know that. Even when these other emotions are taking over. I know He has a plan for all of us. I need to trust in Him. I need to rely on Him. I need to put my faith to the test. I am having a hard day. But I know despite the hard days that are still to come, I can do this. I deep down know I'll be ok. The more I write it out, the more I convince myself that this is true!!!
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