SLOWLY getting back on track.
I initially started this blog solely for the purpose of wanting to get out to the world how amazing it is to have a child with special needs. There are so many families that this affects. But I feel like it is too often looked upon as if it was a burden, or a horrible tragedy. I'm not going to sit here and say that it is easy, because it most definitely isn't. But it has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. Koleman teaches me so much more and helps me in life far more than I ever do him.
I still am going to make that a huge part. However, I will continue to write my thoughts and feelings of how my life has changed and will continue to change. I can't believe how many people have and are going through similar situations to mine. It is heartbreaking.
This month in Young Women the lessons have been about family and the temple. I sat in a couple of Sundays ago on our amazing Beehive (12-13 year old girls) adviser's lesson. Back in 1995, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, introduced "The Family: A Proclamation to the World". It is a writing of how the family was and is ordained of God. It explains the way that Heavenly Father intended for us to fulfill these sacred roles as a member of a family. The advisor had each of the girls and myself write on little whiteboards each member's name in our families. Next to the name we were supposed to write one or two words that describes a characteristic or something that member brings to the family to make it what it is. She helped us really see the importance of each member and how different it would be if even one member of our family wasn't there. I didn't write J's name down. But I thought about what he did bring, when he was the genuine J, and how it really did leave a void in our little family.
She went on and asked what the world is telling us is considered ok in a family, that contradicts the Family Proclamation. The girls said so many insightful things. Mind you, these girls are only 12 and 13. They are WAY beyond their years in so many many ways. She then played the actual footage of when our dear prophet at the time, President Gordon B. Hinckley first read this Proclamation in a General Relief Society meeting back in 1995. She gave each of us a copy of it and a colored pencil. She had us underline everything in it that the world has different views on. Things that the world says is ok that contradicts what our Heavenly Father intended for us. When we were done, most of our copies were almost totally underlined. It is amazing to me to see how families all over are being torn apart. People you would NEVER expect. Several people have said to me that J and I are the last people that they would ever would think would be getting divorced. I used to always have friends, and family members tell me how they would at times envy the relationship that J and I had. We truly truly were best friends. We had such a special relationship. And I know that Satan is relentless. He doesn't want that for us. He doesn't want that for ANYONE. Often times, like I think most people do, I would start feeling discouraged. I would constantly compare us to other people and how we didn't have the things other people did, like a big house, a lot of money, the means to go on amazing vacations, the most trendy clothes. Most often when I felt that way for a while, I would think to myself, that even though we never had a lot of money or a huge house or a lot of worldly possessions, we had what was most important, and how blessed I would feel. And then how guilty I felt for feeling sorry for myself. I NEVER, EVER, would have imagined this is where we would be today. EVER. It has shown me that NOBODY is exempt from falling into transgressions, and from having things like this happen. NOBODY. We have to constantly be on our toes. Satan HATES it when we are strong as a family unit. He hates when we read our scriptures together. He hates when we pray together. He hates when we spend time together. I am here to tell you first hand. He is sneaky. He is cunning. He is deceiving. He will do anything in his power to break up a family. I KNOW J is miserable. He doesn't want this either. I don't know where he is and what he does everyday, but I do know that he is not happy. Addictions to me, are like signing your life over to it. It rules EVERYTHING you do. You will do anything to feed it. I know this not only because of dealing with an addict. But because of my eating disorder. That is something every single day that I still have to wake up and consciously think about how I am going to plan to fight it. I have had my eating disorder for almost seventeen years now, and although I guess you can say I go in and out of remission so to speak, I still have relapses. It may possibly and most likely will be something I will have to live with the rest of my life. When I was at my worst, that is all I thought about. Literally. Everything revolved around if I could eat, how much, if I did eat and wanted to purge was there going to be a toilet close by, how many calories I was putting in my body, how much weight I lost or gained, etc. It CONSUMED me and my whole life.
In the Family Proclamation it says:
"In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life".
Click HERE to read the whole Proclamation.
That is why we are here!!! We ALL have the opportunity to gain eternal life! How exciting!! That is why the Atonement had to take place. We all make mistakes. We all make bad choices. But the beauty of it, is we can repent, learn, and then grow to become who we were sent here to be! I am so incredibly grateful for that knowledge and I just want to shout it out to the world! I can't imagine having to trudge through life without the gospel. And SO many many many people do. My heart aches for those people that have to face trials without it. I am so grateful for all of these amazing, faithful men and women that take the time out of their lives to dedicate themselves to serving the Lord for a period of time. But we don't necessarily have to have a formal call to preach the gospel to the world. We can do it everyday! I am the biggest wimp of all when it comes to doing this. I worry that I might offend someone, or that they will think I'm weird, or that I won't say things right, or that I will present it in a way that isn't appealing. But, that is completely, 100% Satan. Those things could possibly happen. Someone may be offended, or think you're crazy, or not understand. But if you truly have the spirit with you and they can see the light of Christ in your eyes, I dare say that some how, someday it will touch them. It may even be in the next life. But you can plant those seeds. It sounds like I am writing this to everyone as if I do this all the time. In all honesty, I am writing this for myself more than anything! I need to take my own advice and help others have what I am so fortunate to have.
I know that we are going to be ok. Some days I literally have to look at things minute by minute, but I get through. I always do. Today in particular has been a hard day. I have just been thinking as we are getting the kids backpacks filled with their school supplies, watching Addie go through a million different outfits trying to find the perfect thing to wear tomorrow, watching them both gear up for another school year, my heart is aching. Not only for myself, and my kids, but especially for J. He doesn't even get to see Addie as she enters a new school with seven different classes. He wasn't here to hear when I asked Koleman how he felt about starting school say, "I've come to terms with it.". He won't see them as I drop them off and they start their 6th and 4th grade years. He won't be here to hear about their first day tomorrow. He doesn't know Addie is already wanting to wear mascara, and that Koleman is setting some goals with me to improve socially this year.
Addie asked me the other day if I knew where dad lived. I told her I wasn't quite sure. I told her that I had an idea about where he is, but wasn't positive. I asked her if she had any more questions about him or our situation. She said she does, but that she would rather not know the answers. I don't blame her, and she doesn't have to know. She just needs to be secure in knowing J and I both love her, and that she is a beautiful daughter of God who loves her so much.We haven't talked about how she has been feeling for a while. She tends to bottle things up because she is afraid it will make me sad if she is sad. I have tried to be as open as I can with her. Every time I cry (which has been almost everyday for a long time), if she sees me, she asks what is wrong. I used to tell her I was just tired or say oh nothing. Well, she's not dumb. I never thought she was, but I thought those excuses would suffice. They did for a while, but not anymore. When she asks now, I tell her. I'll tell her I miss her dad. I'll tell her I'm struggling with how things are right now. I then usually ask her if she'll say a prayer with me. I want her to know it's ok to be sad and have our emotions come to the surface. In fact it's healthy. But I also want her to know, that although I cry a lot and seem different because I'm usually so worried, that everything will be ok if we put our trust in the Lord. Even as I tell her that, I've had to convince myself of the same thing.
Life is not easy, and it wasn't intended to be. But it is sure amazing. I am blessed beyond measure.
I still am going to make that a huge part. However, I will continue to write my thoughts and feelings of how my life has changed and will continue to change. I can't believe how many people have and are going through similar situations to mine. It is heartbreaking.
This month in Young Women the lessons have been about family and the temple. I sat in a couple of Sundays ago on our amazing Beehive (12-13 year old girls) adviser's lesson. Back in 1995, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, introduced "The Family: A Proclamation to the World". It is a writing of how the family was and is ordained of God. It explains the way that Heavenly Father intended for us to fulfill these sacred roles as a member of a family. The advisor had each of the girls and myself write on little whiteboards each member's name in our families. Next to the name we were supposed to write one or two words that describes a characteristic or something that member brings to the family to make it what it is. She helped us really see the importance of each member and how different it would be if even one member of our family wasn't there. I didn't write J's name down. But I thought about what he did bring, when he was the genuine J, and how it really did leave a void in our little family.
She went on and asked what the world is telling us is considered ok in a family, that contradicts the Family Proclamation. The girls said so many insightful things. Mind you, these girls are only 12 and 13. They are WAY beyond their years in so many many ways. She then played the actual footage of when our dear prophet at the time, President Gordon B. Hinckley first read this Proclamation in a General Relief Society meeting back in 1995. She gave each of us a copy of it and a colored pencil. She had us underline everything in it that the world has different views on. Things that the world says is ok that contradicts what our Heavenly Father intended for us. When we were done, most of our copies were almost totally underlined. It is amazing to me to see how families all over are being torn apart. People you would NEVER expect. Several people have said to me that J and I are the last people that they would ever would think would be getting divorced. I used to always have friends, and family members tell me how they would at times envy the relationship that J and I had. We truly truly were best friends. We had such a special relationship. And I know that Satan is relentless. He doesn't want that for us. He doesn't want that for ANYONE. Often times, like I think most people do, I would start feeling discouraged. I would constantly compare us to other people and how we didn't have the things other people did, like a big house, a lot of money, the means to go on amazing vacations, the most trendy clothes. Most often when I felt that way for a while, I would think to myself, that even though we never had a lot of money or a huge house or a lot of worldly possessions, we had what was most important, and how blessed I would feel. And then how guilty I felt for feeling sorry for myself. I NEVER, EVER, would have imagined this is where we would be today. EVER. It has shown me that NOBODY is exempt from falling into transgressions, and from having things like this happen. NOBODY. We have to constantly be on our toes. Satan HATES it when we are strong as a family unit. He hates when we read our scriptures together. He hates when we pray together. He hates when we spend time together. I am here to tell you first hand. He is sneaky. He is cunning. He is deceiving. He will do anything in his power to break up a family. I KNOW J is miserable. He doesn't want this either. I don't know where he is and what he does everyday, but I do know that he is not happy. Addictions to me, are like signing your life over to it. It rules EVERYTHING you do. You will do anything to feed it. I know this not only because of dealing with an addict. But because of my eating disorder. That is something every single day that I still have to wake up and consciously think about how I am going to plan to fight it. I have had my eating disorder for almost seventeen years now, and although I guess you can say I go in and out of remission so to speak, I still have relapses. It may possibly and most likely will be something I will have to live with the rest of my life. When I was at my worst, that is all I thought about. Literally. Everything revolved around if I could eat, how much, if I did eat and wanted to purge was there going to be a toilet close by, how many calories I was putting in my body, how much weight I lost or gained, etc. It CONSUMED me and my whole life.
In the Family Proclamation it says:
"In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life".
Click HERE to read the whole Proclamation.
That is why we are here!!! We ALL have the opportunity to gain eternal life! How exciting!! That is why the Atonement had to take place. We all make mistakes. We all make bad choices. But the beauty of it, is we can repent, learn, and then grow to become who we were sent here to be! I am so incredibly grateful for that knowledge and I just want to shout it out to the world! I can't imagine having to trudge through life without the gospel. And SO many many many people do. My heart aches for those people that have to face trials without it. I am so grateful for all of these amazing, faithful men and women that take the time out of their lives to dedicate themselves to serving the Lord for a period of time. But we don't necessarily have to have a formal call to preach the gospel to the world. We can do it everyday! I am the biggest wimp of all when it comes to doing this. I worry that I might offend someone, or that they will think I'm weird, or that I won't say things right, or that I will present it in a way that isn't appealing. But, that is completely, 100% Satan. Those things could possibly happen. Someone may be offended, or think you're crazy, or not understand. But if you truly have the spirit with you and they can see the light of Christ in your eyes, I dare say that some how, someday it will touch them. It may even be in the next life. But you can plant those seeds. It sounds like I am writing this to everyone as if I do this all the time. In all honesty, I am writing this for myself more than anything! I need to take my own advice and help others have what I am so fortunate to have.
I know that we are going to be ok. Some days I literally have to look at things minute by minute, but I get through. I always do. Today in particular has been a hard day. I have just been thinking as we are getting the kids backpacks filled with their school supplies, watching Addie go through a million different outfits trying to find the perfect thing to wear tomorrow, watching them both gear up for another school year, my heart is aching. Not only for myself, and my kids, but especially for J. He doesn't even get to see Addie as she enters a new school with seven different classes. He wasn't here to hear when I asked Koleman how he felt about starting school say, "I've come to terms with it.". He won't see them as I drop them off and they start their 6th and 4th grade years. He won't be here to hear about their first day tomorrow. He doesn't know Addie is already wanting to wear mascara, and that Koleman is setting some goals with me to improve socially this year.
Addie asked me the other day if I knew where dad lived. I told her I wasn't quite sure. I told her that I had an idea about where he is, but wasn't positive. I asked her if she had any more questions about him or our situation. She said she does, but that she would rather not know the answers. I don't blame her, and she doesn't have to know. She just needs to be secure in knowing J and I both love her, and that she is a beautiful daughter of God who loves her so much.We haven't talked about how she has been feeling for a while. She tends to bottle things up because she is afraid it will make me sad if she is sad. I have tried to be as open as I can with her. Every time I cry (which has been almost everyday for a long time), if she sees me, she asks what is wrong. I used to tell her I was just tired or say oh nothing. Well, she's not dumb. I never thought she was, but I thought those excuses would suffice. They did for a while, but not anymore. When she asks now, I tell her. I'll tell her I miss her dad. I'll tell her I'm struggling with how things are right now. I then usually ask her if she'll say a prayer with me. I want her to know it's ok to be sad and have our emotions come to the surface. In fact it's healthy. But I also want her to know, that although I cry a lot and seem different because I'm usually so worried, that everything will be ok if we put our trust in the Lord. Even as I tell her that, I've had to convince myself of the same thing.
Life is not easy, and it wasn't intended to be. But it is sure amazing. I am blessed beyond measure.
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