Never Feeling Good Enough.
I was a very happy little girl. I had such an amazing childhood and the best family EVER!!! When I got to be about 14, I started to lose a huge amount of confidence in myself. I had a friend that wasn't very kind and I always let her make me feel as if I was never good enough. I started hating the way I looked. I told myself all the time that I was not pretty, or wasn't cool enough, or that I was annoying. I just didn't let myself ever believe that I was what I truly am, and that is a daughter of my Heavenly Father and that I am worth more than anything to Him.
When I got into high school, I went from being very outgoing and confident to EXTREMELY introverted and unsure of myself. I knew besides plastic surgery there was absolutely nothing I could do to change the way my face looked, but one thing I could control about the way I looked was my weight. I was never really "fat", I just knew that "skinnier was prettier". I began to really watch what I ate and was exercising religiously. When I didn't feel that I was still skinny enough, I began to log every little thing that I ate. Every night I would make a plan for my day of what I could and would eat. I wouldn't allow myself to eat ANYTHING that wasn't on that list. I had more self control than I realized and was really good at sticking to what was on that list. I would allow myself only 1000 calories a day.
I worked at a donut shop. I would go in the afternoon. I would relieve the other person and would be there by myself to finish out the day and close it up. One day I was extremely hungry. All of the donuts were sitting all around me. There was NO WAY I was going to even think of eating one!! I kept trying to make myself busy so I wouldn't think about it. Right before it was time to close, I couldn't take it anymore. I ate a whole donut. Not just a little glazed donut, the biggest donut we sold! After I ate it I had so much anxiety I couldn't handle it. I knew what to do! I would try and make myself throw it up. I tried sticking my fingers down my throat. Nothing would happen other than I was gagging myself. "My fingers must not be long enough," I thought to myself. I grabbed a pen and shoved it down as far as I could. My eyes were dripping with tears, and I was gagging like crazy. Still nothing would come up. After about a half hour of shoving things down my throat, finally I got it out. I felt so much better and could relax that that donut was not going to show on my thighs the next morning.
That was the start of a VERY LONG, VERY EXHAUSTING road for me. I started to do that more frequently when I would eat something that I wasn't "allowed" to. I didn't feel as though I was doing anything harmful because I only did it maybe four or five times a week.
I graduated from high school. My dad found out he was being transferred in his company to a town about four hours away from where we lived. It was perfect because I was going to be attending college in that same city. After looking for months for the right house, my parents decided they were just going to build. My mom moved down with me that August to keep an eye on the house, and so I could start school. We rented a tiny one bedroom apartment. My dad stayed up north to finish out his job there until they were ready for him to be transferred.
By this point, I was still obsessed with my weight. I was making myself throw up more frequently and I was exercising above and beyond how much an average person should exercise. I would wake up at five every morning and run three miles with my mom. Then I would head to the gym and run another 8 miles on the treadmill. Then I would do the weights, followed by 1000 crunches. Then at night I would do kick boxing.
Our house was finally done right before Christmas in 1999. We moved in and I was doing terrible. I NEVER felt good. My hair was starting to fall out in huge clumps. My face was always puffy. I felt uglier than ever. Early in 2000, I met a guy. I really liked him and we started to hang out a lot. His name was Chris. He wasn't a guy that I would ever even think of dating normally, but he seemed interested and at that point it was good enough for me, especially because he was extremely cute and was NEVER someone I thought would even look twice at me. I was letting my standards fall very rapidly. I had very little self respect and was beginning to do things with this guy that were not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. I started feeling like that was all I was good for to him. When I wouldn't let it go "all the way", he would get angry. I soon found out I was being played. I was devastated. I caught him three different times with other girls. He would claim I was jumping to conclusions, and I was stupid enough to believe it. By the third time, I couldn't do it anymore. I had to get away from him.
One day after only having an apple and a piece of bread in about four days, I was in my bedroom, and I felt so sick. I was getting scared because I was so dizzy and just felt like I was going to die. I had an appointment that I was rushing out the door to go to. My mom met me by the front door as I was leaving. She just said good-bye, and I was scared enough I asked her if I could talk to her when I got home. She said of course I could. The whole time I was gone I was so mad that I would have said that to her. On my way home I just kept praying she had forgotten and then I would just not say anything. When I walked in the door, she was right there. I said hi and started quickly off to my room. She said, "are you ready to talk?". I said, "Oh don't worry about it. It was nothing really." She wouldn't let up. I went to my room and she was right behind me. She kept prodding and I kept brushing it off. Finally she sat on my bed and told me to come sit by her. She looked at me and said, "Andrea, you have an eating disorder don't you?" How on earth did she know?! I couldn't hide it. I just started sobbing.
Things just started to plummet with my eating disorder. I was at my worst. I didn't care if I died. I would lay in my dark room whenever I was home and just wish I could disappear from the world.
My mom looked into places where I could go to get help. She found one that is located in Lindon, Utah. It is called The Center For Change. She begged me to go. A few times I told her I would. Then I would always back out at the last minute.
I never had any energy. I started to pass out, most of the time without anyone even knowing. I always felt dizzy. My legs were always cramping. My mom would sit in my room at night for hours and rub them. She would do any and everything she could to help me. She got to the point of following me to the bathroom begging me not to purge. She would come pick me up off the bathroom floor when I would just be laying by the toilet not being able or wanting to move. She is an angel.
I was always sick and finally had to withdraw from school. My mom would drag me to doctors. I would go and get IV's of potassium. I was in very bad shape. At this point I was weighing in at about 95 pounds.
My sister was a nanny just outside Atlanta Georgia. I really needed to get away, especially from Chris. So my sister got permission from her boss to let me come and stay for about a month. Towards the end of my stay there, I ended up in the hospital. It was the most horrifying experience I had ever had to go through up to that point in my life. One afternoon, after eating, I was in the bathroom trying to make myself throw up. I was still using anything I could to get the food to come up when it wouldn't voluntarily come up on it's own. That day I was using a pen to shove down my throat. It just wasn't working. I shoved it down so far that my gag reflex took over. I had put it so far down that my fingers couldn't reach it. I ran out to my sister and tried to tell her, but it was so crazy she didn't understand what I was saying. Finally, I felt the pen slide down all the way to my stomach. My sister frantically called my mom and asked her what to do. My mom told her to call an ambulance. I felt so stupid. People kept saying "you swallowed a what?". They had to do an endoscopy to get the pen out. When I was there they also found that my electrolytes were completely out whack, and told my sister it was a good thing I came in when I did so that they could give me the fluids I needed through IVs.
In May of 2000, upon returning from my stay in Georgia, I started working for my dad as a secretary for his business.
One day, November 2nd to be exact, I was working. I was supposed to go to lunch, but the other secretary had the day off and it was pretty busy, so I worked through my lunch. Some guys that would come in to get parts and equipment were always trying to set me up with one of their other co-workers and were constantly joking with me. They came in when I was supposed to be at lunch. They had a new guy with them. He seemed kind of shy. One of the guys said he was his brother and he had just come home a couple of days ago from serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints the past two years. They kept telling me he was available. I knew that they were just trying to play a mean trick on the poor guy by putting him in an awkward situation to have to tell this hideous girl he really wasn't interested. I kept trying to change the subject or would just try to ignore them. There was no way ANY guy would really be interested in me. I was shocked after they left and they called and said that his brother wanted my phone number. I was still thinking "yeah right" until he got on the phone himself and said he really did want it. I was even more shocked when he actually called me that night and asked me out on a date. That was the start of what I thought would be amazing...
When I got into high school, I went from being very outgoing and confident to EXTREMELY introverted and unsure of myself. I knew besides plastic surgery there was absolutely nothing I could do to change the way my face looked, but one thing I could control about the way I looked was my weight. I was never really "fat", I just knew that "skinnier was prettier". I began to really watch what I ate and was exercising religiously. When I didn't feel that I was still skinny enough, I began to log every little thing that I ate. Every night I would make a plan for my day of what I could and would eat. I wouldn't allow myself to eat ANYTHING that wasn't on that list. I had more self control than I realized and was really good at sticking to what was on that list. I would allow myself only 1000 calories a day.
I worked at a donut shop. I would go in the afternoon. I would relieve the other person and would be there by myself to finish out the day and close it up. One day I was extremely hungry. All of the donuts were sitting all around me. There was NO WAY I was going to even think of eating one!! I kept trying to make myself busy so I wouldn't think about it. Right before it was time to close, I couldn't take it anymore. I ate a whole donut. Not just a little glazed donut, the biggest donut we sold! After I ate it I had so much anxiety I couldn't handle it. I knew what to do! I would try and make myself throw it up. I tried sticking my fingers down my throat. Nothing would happen other than I was gagging myself. "My fingers must not be long enough," I thought to myself. I grabbed a pen and shoved it down as far as I could. My eyes were dripping with tears, and I was gagging like crazy. Still nothing would come up. After about a half hour of shoving things down my throat, finally I got it out. I felt so much better and could relax that that donut was not going to show on my thighs the next morning.
That was the start of a VERY LONG, VERY EXHAUSTING road for me. I started to do that more frequently when I would eat something that I wasn't "allowed" to. I didn't feel as though I was doing anything harmful because I only did it maybe four or five times a week.
I graduated from high school. My dad found out he was being transferred in his company to a town about four hours away from where we lived. It was perfect because I was going to be attending college in that same city. After looking for months for the right house, my parents decided they were just going to build. My mom moved down with me that August to keep an eye on the house, and so I could start school. We rented a tiny one bedroom apartment. My dad stayed up north to finish out his job there until they were ready for him to be transferred.
By this point, I was still obsessed with my weight. I was making myself throw up more frequently and I was exercising above and beyond how much an average person should exercise. I would wake up at five every morning and run three miles with my mom. Then I would head to the gym and run another 8 miles on the treadmill. Then I would do the weights, followed by 1000 crunches. Then at night I would do kick boxing.
Our house was finally done right before Christmas in 1999. We moved in and I was doing terrible. I NEVER felt good. My hair was starting to fall out in huge clumps. My face was always puffy. I felt uglier than ever. Early in 2000, I met a guy. I really liked him and we started to hang out a lot. His name was Chris. He wasn't a guy that I would ever even think of dating normally, but he seemed interested and at that point it was good enough for me, especially because he was extremely cute and was NEVER someone I thought would even look twice at me. I was letting my standards fall very rapidly. I had very little self respect and was beginning to do things with this guy that were not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. I started feeling like that was all I was good for to him. When I wouldn't let it go "all the way", he would get angry. I soon found out I was being played. I was devastated. I caught him three different times with other girls. He would claim I was jumping to conclusions, and I was stupid enough to believe it. By the third time, I couldn't do it anymore. I had to get away from him.
One day after only having an apple and a piece of bread in about four days, I was in my bedroom, and I felt so sick. I was getting scared because I was so dizzy and just felt like I was going to die. I had an appointment that I was rushing out the door to go to. My mom met me by the front door as I was leaving. She just said good-bye, and I was scared enough I asked her if I could talk to her when I got home. She said of course I could. The whole time I was gone I was so mad that I would have said that to her. On my way home I just kept praying she had forgotten and then I would just not say anything. When I walked in the door, she was right there. I said hi and started quickly off to my room. She said, "are you ready to talk?". I said, "Oh don't worry about it. It was nothing really." She wouldn't let up. I went to my room and she was right behind me. She kept prodding and I kept brushing it off. Finally she sat on my bed and told me to come sit by her. She looked at me and said, "Andrea, you have an eating disorder don't you?" How on earth did she know?! I couldn't hide it. I just started sobbing.
Things just started to plummet with my eating disorder. I was at my worst. I didn't care if I died. I would lay in my dark room whenever I was home and just wish I could disappear from the world.
My mom looked into places where I could go to get help. She found one that is located in Lindon, Utah. It is called The Center For Change. She begged me to go. A few times I told her I would. Then I would always back out at the last minute.
I never had any energy. I started to pass out, most of the time without anyone even knowing. I always felt dizzy. My legs were always cramping. My mom would sit in my room at night for hours and rub them. She would do any and everything she could to help me. She got to the point of following me to the bathroom begging me not to purge. She would come pick me up off the bathroom floor when I would just be laying by the toilet not being able or wanting to move. She is an angel.
I was always sick and finally had to withdraw from school. My mom would drag me to doctors. I would go and get IV's of potassium. I was in very bad shape. At this point I was weighing in at about 95 pounds.
My sister was a nanny just outside Atlanta Georgia. I really needed to get away, especially from Chris. So my sister got permission from her boss to let me come and stay for about a month. Towards the end of my stay there, I ended up in the hospital. It was the most horrifying experience I had ever had to go through up to that point in my life. One afternoon, after eating, I was in the bathroom trying to make myself throw up. I was still using anything I could to get the food to come up when it wouldn't voluntarily come up on it's own. That day I was using a pen to shove down my throat. It just wasn't working. I shoved it down so far that my gag reflex took over. I had put it so far down that my fingers couldn't reach it. I ran out to my sister and tried to tell her, but it was so crazy she didn't understand what I was saying. Finally, I felt the pen slide down all the way to my stomach. My sister frantically called my mom and asked her what to do. My mom told her to call an ambulance. I felt so stupid. People kept saying "you swallowed a what?". They had to do an endoscopy to get the pen out. When I was there they also found that my electrolytes were completely out whack, and told my sister it was a good thing I came in when I did so that they could give me the fluids I needed through IVs.
In May of 2000, upon returning from my stay in Georgia, I started working for my dad as a secretary for his business.
One day, November 2nd to be exact, I was working. I was supposed to go to lunch, but the other secretary had the day off and it was pretty busy, so I worked through my lunch. Some guys that would come in to get parts and equipment were always trying to set me up with one of their other co-workers and were constantly joking with me. They came in when I was supposed to be at lunch. They had a new guy with them. He seemed kind of shy. One of the guys said he was his brother and he had just come home a couple of days ago from serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints the past two years. They kept telling me he was available. I knew that they were just trying to play a mean trick on the poor guy by putting him in an awkward situation to have to tell this hideous girl he really wasn't interested. I kept trying to change the subject or would just try to ignore them. There was no way ANY guy would really be interested in me. I was shocked after they left and they called and said that his brother wanted my phone number. I was still thinking "yeah right" until he got on the phone himself and said he really did want it. I was even more shocked when he actually called me that night and asked me out on a date. That was the start of what I thought would be amazing...
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