Motherhood....The most amazing, yet hardest gift to recieve.
I can't put into words how much I love my kids. I'm sure every mother can relate. Today as I was sitting in my classroom management class, my professor was talking about the different factors that can cause children to have behavior issues. Of course there are the things that can be clinically diagnosed, like Aspergers. We touched on the things that could be changed in a child's life that affect their behavior, such as hunger, divorce, exhaustion, abuse, neglect, etc. My professor is amazing. She literally looked at all 28 of us in the cohort straight in the eyes and told us that when we step into the field of teaching we can not and should not judge a parent until we have walked a mile in their shoes. She went on to say that in her 30+ years of being an educator from classroom teacher, to principal, to professor, she never met one parent that did not love their children. She said not even the parents that were abusing or neglecting their children. I was thinking in my mind how anyone could do such horrible things to the people they love more than anything. My thoughts drifted first to J and how he hasn't even seen or talked to his kids since June 19th. Then I thought about how although I have researched extensively the effects of substance abuse and I know that research shows that they can completely change a person, I truly don't know first hand (thank goodness) what they can do to your mind. I had never even physically seen an illicit drug until I found the remains of the Meth in the bathroom, let alone let it be a thought to want to try them. So how can I really KNOW how it feels to have your mind altered in that way? I can't. I will NEVER know. I'm not justifying J's actions, but I can't say because he hasn't seen his kids in almost 13 weeks, that he doesn't love them. Then my thoughts turned to myself. I am harder on my kids than anyone except for myself. I don't always do things the way I should as a mother. I should be more patient. I should give them more quality time than I do. I should listen more carefully to them. Because I have room to improve and I loose my patience with them at times, it doesn't mean I don't love them more than life. I do. Although I can't fathom abusing them, and the thought of it makes me literally sick to my stomach, I dare say that those parents that do abuse their children still love their kids. Who knows the underlying issues that cause them to handle things the way they do. It is a terrible and sick way to handle things, but that's just it, I think that anyone that abuses a child is most certainly mentally ill.
I didn't mean to go off on a tangent there. I have just been really struggling with the fact that J doesn't even call or try to see what the kids are doing, or even how they are doing. I have harbored an extremely large amount of anger. I can see the hurt it causes to both of them. The other night Addie was crying. I asked her what was wrong and of course her first response is, "nothing". A little later that night, she said, "Can I ask you a question?" I told her of course she could. She then told me I didn't have to answer it if I didn't want to. I said ok and she said, "You know how when you take me to school we pass that retirement place off the freeway?" I told her yes, I knew what place she was referring to. She then said, "Why do you always look over that way when we drive by?". Oh my goodness. She is so aware and in tune with me and what I do! Next to that retirement place is where the trailer that J had Nate go to look at the air conditioning is. I know that it is a possible place he could be. I DO look over there nearly every time we pass, just to see if I can see anything. I told Addie exactly that. I said, "Well when dad was gone at first, he called Uncle Nate to go and fix his friends air conditioner. Those trailers you see close to that retirement home is where his friend lives. So I look over there just to see if I can ever see dad." She replied, "I thought that was why". I then asked her how she was feeling about the whole situation. She said that she tries not to be sad because she's afraid it will make me sad, but that she often cries when she is alone and wishes he would be a part of our family again. Talk about putting a knife in my heart. I reassured her that although it does make me sad when she's sad, she needs to not bottle the feelings up because it isn't a healthy way to deal with it. I told her the only reason I get sad is because I love her so much and she's a part of me. But that I want her to talk to me. She is not only dealing with her dad not being in the picture, but she's at that age where they are going through a lot of other changes. On top of that my brother and his family just told us they are moving back to Pittsburgh around Christmas. Addie adores my brother. He and the real J have such similar personalities. They have always reminded me a lot of each other. Since J has been gone for such a long time, Addie follows Brandon (my brother) around like a little puppy dog. She ADORES him. He is SO good to her and to Koleman. They are both also really close to Brandon's oldest son Jackson. They are such good buddies, and it will be hard to say good-bye to him. They love him so much. We are going to miss all of them and it is just another change that my kids are going to have to take on. I know that life changes continually, but I just wish it could not change in so many drastic ways for them so fast. I do know that Heavenly Father is in charge, and He is going to watch over them and help them deal with these changes in the best possible way. I, as their mother, just need to do all that I can to stay close and rely on Him and teach them to do the same thing an we'll all be ok!!!!
Along with those changes, like I said, Addie is at an age where there are normal changes for her that are happening. The kids at school are trying to find out who they are. It is a constant popularity contest. Who has the most friends, who wears the best clothes, who has the most likes/friends on Instagram, who has the newest and greatest phone, who lives in the biggest/best house and nicest neighborhood, etc. Luckily for me, at this point Addie is staying pretty grounded in those areas. I don't know if it just how she is around me, or if those things aren't as important to her. Nonetheless, she is starting to face some pretty hard growing up years. Just last weekend she had to deal with her first (as far as I know) experience of being in a very uncomfortable situation with other kids her age. They were talking very inappropriately and she said she didn't know what to do. She felt so yucky. I told her that those feelings are her indicator that she needs to remove herself from the situation. When we have those feelings, that means the spirit can't abide with us and we need to get out of there asap!! We talked about it and made a plan. Unfortunately, she is too much like me and isn't confidant enough to stand up to them and tell them to stop talking about or doing inappropriate things. So she decided if (or more appropriately, when) a situation arises like that again, she is just going to either call me to come get her, or leave on her own if she can. She told me the things they were saying and it made me sick. She kept saying she didn't even know what a lot of it meant. I can't believe 6th and 7th graders know what they meant! It was a real big wake up call to me that my kids are not going to be exempt from temptation and filth. I just didn't know it would come so quickly. That night after she and Koley went to bed, I couldn't sleep. It's times like that I really wish I had a spouse to support and help me know what to do and how to handle things. I didn't realize the exhaustion that comes with being a single parent. Not that ALL parents don't get exhausted, but I mean it would be nice to say to your spouse, "I am going to let you handle that one", or "what should WE do?". I'm not trying to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I just honestly didn't realize all that single-parenthood will entail. I thought I did because when J initially went to North Dakota my kids were 8 and 6. They still were dealing with "kid problems" that I could handle emotionally and mentally. I was mostly just physically exhausted. Now that we are approaching the teenage years, I can see that I'm going to have to rely on my Heavenly Father now more than EVER!!
I know I am her mom, but how fortunate I am that she is such a great kid. She genuinely wants to be good and do things that are pleasing to her Heavenly Father. It isn't an act for me or other adults, she truly does. I am so blessed she is that way. She really handles things far better than I ever did at her age and even when I was older than her. I love her more than words could say. There is a song by Martina McBride that is called, "In My Daughter's Eyes". It is EXACTLY how I feel about her. It describes her to a T. If you want to listen to it you can click HERE.
I don't know what I would do without my kids. I wouldn't change either one of them. I am so blessed. My heart breaks for J. SO much he is giving up. SO much.
I didn't mean to go off on a tangent there. I have just been really struggling with the fact that J doesn't even call or try to see what the kids are doing, or even how they are doing. I have harbored an extremely large amount of anger. I can see the hurt it causes to both of them. The other night Addie was crying. I asked her what was wrong and of course her first response is, "nothing". A little later that night, she said, "Can I ask you a question?" I told her of course she could. She then told me I didn't have to answer it if I didn't want to. I said ok and she said, "You know how when you take me to school we pass that retirement place off the freeway?" I told her yes, I knew what place she was referring to. She then said, "Why do you always look over that way when we drive by?". Oh my goodness. She is so aware and in tune with me and what I do! Next to that retirement place is where the trailer that J had Nate go to look at the air conditioning is. I know that it is a possible place he could be. I DO look over there nearly every time we pass, just to see if I can see anything. I told Addie exactly that. I said, "Well when dad was gone at first, he called Uncle Nate to go and fix his friends air conditioner. Those trailers you see close to that retirement home is where his friend lives. So I look over there just to see if I can ever see dad." She replied, "I thought that was why". I then asked her how she was feeling about the whole situation. She said that she tries not to be sad because she's afraid it will make me sad, but that she often cries when she is alone and wishes he would be a part of our family again. Talk about putting a knife in my heart. I reassured her that although it does make me sad when she's sad, she needs to not bottle the feelings up because it isn't a healthy way to deal with it. I told her the only reason I get sad is because I love her so much and she's a part of me. But that I want her to talk to me. She is not only dealing with her dad not being in the picture, but she's at that age where they are going through a lot of other changes. On top of that my brother and his family just told us they are moving back to Pittsburgh around Christmas. Addie adores my brother. He and the real J have such similar personalities. They have always reminded me a lot of each other. Since J has been gone for such a long time, Addie follows Brandon (my brother) around like a little puppy dog. She ADORES him. He is SO good to her and to Koleman. They are both also really close to Brandon's oldest son Jackson. They are such good buddies, and it will be hard to say good-bye to him. They love him so much. We are going to miss all of them and it is just another change that my kids are going to have to take on. I know that life changes continually, but I just wish it could not change in so many drastic ways for them so fast. I do know that Heavenly Father is in charge, and He is going to watch over them and help them deal with these changes in the best possible way. I, as their mother, just need to do all that I can to stay close and rely on Him and teach them to do the same thing an we'll all be ok!!!!
Along with those changes, like I said, Addie is at an age where there are normal changes for her that are happening. The kids at school are trying to find out who they are. It is a constant popularity contest. Who has the most friends, who wears the best clothes, who has the most likes/friends on Instagram, who has the newest and greatest phone, who lives in the biggest/best house and nicest neighborhood, etc. Luckily for me, at this point Addie is staying pretty grounded in those areas. I don't know if it just how she is around me, or if those things aren't as important to her. Nonetheless, she is starting to face some pretty hard growing up years. Just last weekend she had to deal with her first (as far as I know) experience of being in a very uncomfortable situation with other kids her age. They were talking very inappropriately and she said she didn't know what to do. She felt so yucky. I told her that those feelings are her indicator that she needs to remove herself from the situation. When we have those feelings, that means the spirit can't abide with us and we need to get out of there asap!! We talked about it and made a plan. Unfortunately, she is too much like me and isn't confidant enough to stand up to them and tell them to stop talking about or doing inappropriate things. So she decided if (or more appropriately, when) a situation arises like that again, she is just going to either call me to come get her, or leave on her own if she can. She told me the things they were saying and it made me sick. She kept saying she didn't even know what a lot of it meant. I can't believe 6th and 7th graders know what they meant! It was a real big wake up call to me that my kids are not going to be exempt from temptation and filth. I just didn't know it would come so quickly. That night after she and Koley went to bed, I couldn't sleep. It's times like that I really wish I had a spouse to support and help me know what to do and how to handle things. I didn't realize the exhaustion that comes with being a single parent. Not that ALL parents don't get exhausted, but I mean it would be nice to say to your spouse, "I am going to let you handle that one", or "what should WE do?". I'm not trying to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I just honestly didn't realize all that single-parenthood will entail. I thought I did because when J initially went to North Dakota my kids were 8 and 6. They still were dealing with "kid problems" that I could handle emotionally and mentally. I was mostly just physically exhausted. Now that we are approaching the teenage years, I can see that I'm going to have to rely on my Heavenly Father now more than EVER!!
I know I am her mom, but how fortunate I am that she is such a great kid. She genuinely wants to be good and do things that are pleasing to her Heavenly Father. It isn't an act for me or other adults, she truly does. I am so blessed she is that way. She really handles things far better than I ever did at her age and even when I was older than her. I love her more than words could say. There is a song by Martina McBride that is called, "In My Daughter's Eyes". It is EXACTLY how I feel about her. It describes her to a T. If you want to listen to it you can click HERE.
I don't know what I would do without my kids. I wouldn't change either one of them. I am so blessed. My heart breaks for J. SO much he is giving up. SO much.
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