Be Happy NOW!!!
I feel like I have cultivated a very negative attitude lately. Unfortunately, (I've said this a million times before) I am not one of those people that go through trials and still have such a positive attitude. I want to change that. I NEED to change that. I have SO much to be grateful for. I love all of the tender mercies that Heavenly Father places in my path. It is amazing how they come when I need to be reminded of how blessed I am.
I have battled depression for almost 18 years. I have been on medication for it, and most of the time I deal pretty well with it. But lately, I go through these little spurts where it seems like no matter what I do I can't shake these overwhelming feelings of sadness. I tend to feel sorry for myself and just yearn to feel happy. I'm the only one that can change the way I feel. Ugh, I can't blame my feelings of unhappiness on anyone or anything, but myself. I determine how I feel. And I KNOW where true happiness comes from. It comes from serving others, and in turn serving the Lord. It comes from thinking less about myself and my problems, and more about others and how I could make someone else feel happy. It comes from studying my scriptures, conference talks, and other books that are meant to uplift and inspire. It comes from praying and keeping a close relationship with my Heavenly Father. It comes from being the mother I want to be, and the mother my kids need me to be. I KNOW these things. I can't believe I'm actually admitting this, but I haven't been studying like I should, I haven't been serving others as much as I should, I haven't been the mother I want and need to be, and worst of all, I haven't been doing all that I can to keep a strong relationship with my Heavenly Father. For the last few weeks, I have been completely wrapped up in things that only bring me down.
On November 11th was J's birthday. The week prior, for family home evening, I asked the kids to make him birthday cards. I was surprised when Koleman didn't hesitate. Addie wrote the SWEETEST card. She drew a picture of she and her dad. She told him how much she loves him and misses him. She told him that even though she doesn't see him that it doesn't mean she doesn't love him. She told him that he was the best dad ever. I was so touched. She has been so hurt, but she once again taught me a very valuable lesson. Although she has been hurt, instead of harboring negative feelings towards her dad, she continues to show him her unconditional love. I had J's mom stop by and pick up the cards that the three of us made so that in case he showed up at her house, she could give them to him.
A couple of days after we made those cards, I found out J was arrested once again. He was in jail for two weeks. A few nights after he was arrested, it was a Saturday night. Addie was at a friend's house and Koleman was downstairs playing. The phone rang. I answered it and I hear on the other line that an inmate in Purgatory wants to speak to me. I accepted the call. When I said hello, it was very odd. He spoke with absolutely no emotion in his voice. He didn't really tell me why he was in jail (even though I already knew), he didn't ask about the kids, he didn't ask how I was. He simply asked if I would call his mom and ask her a question for him. I told him I would.
The next day, I had fallen asleep after church. Addie came downstairs and woke me up. She said that some weird place was calling saying something about J Hadley. She said on the caller ID it read DOC. I asked her what they said. She said it was a recording and then she could hear her dad say his name. She then asked, "Where is he?" Oh boy... I told her the truth. She acted like it was not a big deal and went on with what she was doing. That was weird. I know it was a hard thing for her to hear. She was trying to be strong. She was, once again, trying to cover her emotions. She wants me to think that none of this is affecting her. I know better. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She said that she didn't and quickly changed the subject. At about five that evening he called again. This time there was a lot more emotion. In fact, he seemed very upbeat and happy. He talked to me as if nothing had even happened. He asked me how school was going. I told him about the kids. We had a really great conversation. I was extremely guarded the whole conversation, but it was one of the first times in I
can't remember how long that we were actually having a normal conversation. We are usually
fighting, or not talking at all. He said that when he called earlier, he could hear Addie say hello. He told me how badly he wished he could talk to her, and asked if I thought she would talk to him. I told him I would ask her, but that I wasn't going to make her if she didn't want to. I went and told her that her dad was on the phone and would like to talk to her. I told her that if she felt like she couldn't, she certainly didn't have to, but if she wanted to, it would be great. She hesitated. She thought for a couple of minutes, and then said "I guess." I reminded her it wasn't something she had to do if she wasn't ready. She said that it was ok, and that she wanted to. She was so sweet, and I'm sure made J's day. After we hung up with him, immediately the anxious, scared, depressing feelings flooded my mind. You would think after such a great conversation I would be happy. I was, but that was just it. I
didn't want it to make me happy. Sounds weird right? Let me explain. When J tells me he loves me, he needs me, all he wants is for us to be a family again, I get that spark of hope. The pattern has been the same for a very long time. Every single time after feeling that hope, it is diminished. He will leave again, and not talk to me for weeks. When he does eventually come out of the wood work, I will find out things haven't changed a bit, and in fact just keep getting worse. The roller coaster doesn't seem to ever stop. I hate it. I want to get off of the ride. I NEED to. So those feelings started taking over. Thoughts were going through my head like, "He is probably only calling me because the last time he was in there I put money on a calling card, and I am the only person he can call." "He doesn't really love me. How can anyone do this to someone they love?" "I'm not good enough to him. I am just being used."
The next day was his birthday. I told his mom since he could only call our house, she could come over and talk to him if she wanted to. I HAD to let him know that there were boundaries. That I am a human being with feelings and that he can't keep playing on them anymore. I didn't want to lay things out on his birthday, but I had to. I couldn't continue to talk to him and get my hopes up, only to be shattered for what seems like the millionth time. He called. At first I told him happy birthday, and that I loved him. Then came the rest. I told him. He was very upset. I told him that if his intentions
were pure, that if he truly wanted to change and was actually going to do something to help himself,
then he could continue to call me. If he was once again only playing me, thinking he could get away with living the best of both worlds once again, he needed to stop contacting me PERIOD! He
immediately wanted to hang up. Right then I knew he wasn't changing, or even wanting to. Still no
remorse. He told me he couldn't do this. He said he couldn't believe that was all I wanted to talk about on his birthday. He didn't understand that I HAD to say what I had to say. He didn't even try to understand. He was mad. He almost wouldn't even talk to his mom. I finally just handed her the phone. She talked to him for a minute. Then he asked her if he could talk to Addie. I went downstairs to ask Addie if she wanted to come wish her dad a happy birthday. She used to jump at the chance to talk to her dad. She asked if she could talk later. I explained that he didn't have a lot of time to talk so if she wanted to she would have to talk to him right then. She reluctantly talked to him. I asked Koleman if he wanted to wish his dad a happy birthday. He surprisingly came and said happy birthday to him. He then handed me the phone. I thought he would have hung up because I knew he didn't want to talk to me. I said hello, and he was still there. I told him I would hang up so he wouldn't have to talk to me. He told me he was sorry and that he wanted to, and that he loved me. I talked to him again the following day. It was a much better conversation. Much like the one we had the second time we talked. The following day I didn't hear from him.
I went to school Thursday and had one of those days. I didn't do well on an assignment. One of my professors made me feel like I was not good enough. I was discouraged. I LET her make me feel like I couldn't possibly ever be a good teacher. I was comparing myself to all of the other people in my Elementary Ed. Cohort. I wasn't near as good as any of them. I was overwhelmed with Christmas coming, not knowing how I could get the kids anything. I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt like I just wanted to give up. I can't do life anymore. The phone rings. It's J. I answer and immediately start sobbing. He asks what is wrong, and I just said I was having a hard day. He said he couldn't talk long. He told me he loved me. He told me he knew I could do anything. He told me he was praying for me. I'mIt was as if I was talking to the J that I married. The one I loved more than anything. He had to quickly hang up. That was a week and a half ago. I haven't talked to him again. I don't know why he didn't call anymore. I did receive one letter last Monday. It read:
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. One thing that I have been able to focus on and pay attention to in jail is that I have been able to successfully find something positive in any situation and
focus on that. It has amazed me just how very simple life can be if it is made to be that way. I think all
things that seem to be overwhelming and a huge deal in everyday life are only that way because we have some sort of fear of whatever it is and we make things a lot harder than they have to be by worrying about them. I think that is what is meant when we say fear is of the devil. You are amazingly strong in your work ethic, spiritually and, your determination. For some reason you don't give yourself enough credit and self worth (I know I am probably responsible for a little bit of that). But I want you to know and feel in your heart how very awesome you are. You need to know that you are great and beautiful and that you can do and accomplish anything your heart desires. I know that is true of you. I am positive without question you are the most amazing and strong and beautiful
woman, mother, and friend I have ever known. I love you and I pray for you. Please love on my babies for me. Don't let anything let you feel like you are not good enough or capable because you are I promise.
I saw that J was released from jail on Wednesday this past week. How? It makes no sense. Nobody heard from him. He didn't go to his mom's, he didn't call me. I found out last night that he finally went to his mom's house on Friday. He not only went there, he brought his girlfriend. He is right back to being with these people. I don't understand. How can someone do this to someone else? Why would he write me that letter? Why does he keep doing this? I have had a hard day today after hearing about him. But one thing that I know, is I need to be done. 100% in every way. He's not changing. I KNOW he CAN change, but he's not. I KNOW he is the most amazing man and has given up so much for such a horrible lifestyle. But I can't do anything to make him want to change.
In our Young Women's class today, my BEAUTIFUL friend taught such an amazing lesson to our precious Beehives (ages 12-13). She talked about how we can choose to deal with trials and the pressures of life. We can choose to do things that will hurt us or we can choose to do things that will help us. She gave an example of such an amazing story about herself. When she was 11 she moved to another school. There was a girl in the school that was very mean to her. She talked about how she made up her mind that instead of being mean back, or feeling sorry for herself, or choosing to let what the girl said or did to her hurt her, she decided to pray for her. She prayed that whatever this girl may have been going through that she could be comforted and be ok. She said as time went on the girl was still mean, but it was getting better and better. By the time she was in ninth grade, this girl was in her seminary class. Her seminary teacher told their class that even if they didn't feel as though they had a testimony of the gospel, it was ok to still bear one. Instead of saying what they know to be true they could say they want to know. She said this girl got up and did just that. She bore her testimony of wanting to know that the church was true. She wanted to know if there really was a Savior that loved her. She said that this girl then stopped being mean. She actually even started treating her as if they were friends. WOW!! What an amazing example of taking an extremely hard situation and doing something that completely exemplified Christ-Like love. And also making the best out of a very hard and painful situation.
It is most certainly not by chance that I sit in on such beautiful lessons. Being the secretary in the Young Women's presidency, I can choose which class I go to each week. I know that it is yet again another tender mercy that the Lord provides for me. Not only being in Young Women with such
valiant, strong, amazing girls and women, but for providing such insight and direction for myself in my own life. I almost feel guilty because here I am supposed to be serving, but I feel like I'M the one that is actually being served more!
That lesson today was just what I needed to hear. At the end of the lesson, she used President Uchtdorf's (2nd Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) talk from the General Relief Society broadcast a couple of years ago about the Forget Me Not flower. In that talk he likened that flower to five things we should forget not to do because the Forget Me Not has five petals. She had me work with one our AMAZING Beehives. We were each given one of the 5 things. We were to read and share about it with the others. Ours was "Forget not to be happy now". In President Uchtdorf's talk he talked about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and how everyone desired a golden ticket from the candy bar wrapper. That is what they knew would bring them happiness. He compared it to our own personal lives. How we all strive to receive a golden ticket, whatever it may be, and instead of being happy with what we have along the way and only focusing on that ticket for happiness, that we may never be happy. EXACTLY!!!!!! That is what I have been doing. I need to be happy NOW! I have every single reason in the world to be happy. My sweet mom reminded me quite some time ago, when all I was doing was crying and upset, that instead of placing all of my time and energy into the trial and situation I was in, placing it in my children. That is what will bring true happiness. So I started doing that, and it has made a world of difference. However, I still become discouraged and sad way too often. I need to be happy now. I want to be happy now. I'm ready to be happy now. I am going to CHOOSE to be happy NOW! I have every reason to be happy. I am blessed beyond measure. Truly. I am SO incredibly grateful for the gospel. For my Savior whom I KNOW lives and
loves each and everyone of us. Knowing that is the BEST reason to be happy!
I have battled depression for almost 18 years. I have been on medication for it, and most of the time I deal pretty well with it. But lately, I go through these little spurts where it seems like no matter what I do I can't shake these overwhelming feelings of sadness. I tend to feel sorry for myself and just yearn to feel happy. I'm the only one that can change the way I feel. Ugh, I can't blame my feelings of unhappiness on anyone or anything, but myself. I determine how I feel. And I KNOW where true happiness comes from. It comes from serving others, and in turn serving the Lord. It comes from thinking less about myself and my problems, and more about others and how I could make someone else feel happy. It comes from studying my scriptures, conference talks, and other books that are meant to uplift and inspire. It comes from praying and keeping a close relationship with my Heavenly Father. It comes from being the mother I want to be, and the mother my kids need me to be. I KNOW these things. I can't believe I'm actually admitting this, but I haven't been studying like I should, I haven't been serving others as much as I should, I haven't been the mother I want and need to be, and worst of all, I haven't been doing all that I can to keep a strong relationship with my Heavenly Father. For the last few weeks, I have been completely wrapped up in things that only bring me down.On November 11th was J's birthday. The week prior, for family home evening, I asked the kids to make him birthday cards. I was surprised when Koleman didn't hesitate. Addie wrote the SWEETEST card. She drew a picture of she and her dad. She told him how much she loves him and misses him. She told him that even though she doesn't see him that it doesn't mean she doesn't love him. She told him that he was the best dad ever. I was so touched. She has been so hurt, but she once again taught me a very valuable lesson. Although she has been hurt, instead of harboring negative feelings towards her dad, she continues to show him her unconditional love. I had J's mom stop by and pick up the cards that the three of us made so that in case he showed up at her house, she could give them to him.
A couple of days after we made those cards, I found out J was arrested once again. He was in jail for two weeks. A few nights after he was arrested, it was a Saturday night. Addie was at a friend's house and Koleman was downstairs playing. The phone rang. I answered it and I hear on the other line that an inmate in Purgatory wants to speak to me. I accepted the call. When I said hello, it was very odd. He spoke with absolutely no emotion in his voice. He didn't really tell me why he was in jail (even though I already knew), he didn't ask about the kids, he didn't ask how I was. He simply asked if I would call his mom and ask her a question for him. I told him I would.
The next day, I had fallen asleep after church. Addie came downstairs and woke me up. She said that some weird place was calling saying something about J Hadley. She said on the caller ID it read DOC. I asked her what they said. She said it was a recording and then she could hear her dad say his name. She then asked, "Where is he?" Oh boy... I told her the truth. She acted like it was not a big deal and went on with what she was doing. That was weird. I know it was a hard thing for her to hear. She was trying to be strong. She was, once again, trying to cover her emotions. She wants me to think that none of this is affecting her. I know better. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She said that she didn't and quickly changed the subject. At about five that evening he called again. This time there was a lot more emotion. In fact, he seemed very upbeat and happy. He talked to me as if nothing had even happened. He asked me how school was going. I told him about the kids. We had a really great conversation. I was extremely guarded the whole conversation, but it was one of the first times in I
can't remember how long that we were actually having a normal conversation. We are usually
fighting, or not talking at all. He said that when he called earlier, he could hear Addie say hello. He told me how badly he wished he could talk to her, and asked if I thought she would talk to him. I told him I would ask her, but that I wasn't going to make her if she didn't want to. I went and told her that her dad was on the phone and would like to talk to her. I told her that if she felt like she couldn't, she certainly didn't have to, but if she wanted to, it would be great. She hesitated. She thought for a couple of minutes, and then said "I guess." I reminded her it wasn't something she had to do if she wasn't ready. She said that it was ok, and that she wanted to. She was so sweet, and I'm sure made J's day. After we hung up with him, immediately the anxious, scared, depressing feelings flooded my mind. You would think after such a great conversation I would be happy. I was, but that was just it. I
didn't want it to make me happy. Sounds weird right? Let me explain. When J tells me he loves me, he needs me, all he wants is for us to be a family again, I get that spark of hope. The pattern has been the same for a very long time. Every single time after feeling that hope, it is diminished. He will leave again, and not talk to me for weeks. When he does eventually come out of the wood work, I will find out things haven't changed a bit, and in fact just keep getting worse. The roller coaster doesn't seem to ever stop. I hate it. I want to get off of the ride. I NEED to. So those feelings started taking over. Thoughts were going through my head like, "He is probably only calling me because the last time he was in there I put money on a calling card, and I am the only person he can call." "He doesn't really love me. How can anyone do this to someone they love?" "I'm not good enough to him. I am just being used."
The next day was his birthday. I told his mom since he could only call our house, she could come over and talk to him if she wanted to. I HAD to let him know that there were boundaries. That I am a human being with feelings and that he can't keep playing on them anymore. I didn't want to lay things out on his birthday, but I had to. I couldn't continue to talk to him and get my hopes up, only to be shattered for what seems like the millionth time. He called. At first I told him happy birthday, and that I loved him. Then came the rest. I told him. He was very upset. I told him that if his intentions
were pure, that if he truly wanted to change and was actually going to do something to help himself,
then he could continue to call me. If he was once again only playing me, thinking he could get away with living the best of both worlds once again, he needed to stop contacting me PERIOD! He
immediately wanted to hang up. Right then I knew he wasn't changing, or even wanting to. Still no
remorse. He told me he couldn't do this. He said he couldn't believe that was all I wanted to talk about on his birthday. He didn't understand that I HAD to say what I had to say. He didn't even try to understand. He was mad. He almost wouldn't even talk to his mom. I finally just handed her the phone. She talked to him for a minute. Then he asked her if he could talk to Addie. I went downstairs to ask Addie if she wanted to come wish her dad a happy birthday. She used to jump at the chance to talk to her dad. She asked if she could talk later. I explained that he didn't have a lot of time to talk so if she wanted to she would have to talk to him right then. She reluctantly talked to him. I asked Koleman if he wanted to wish his dad a happy birthday. He surprisingly came and said happy birthday to him. He then handed me the phone. I thought he would have hung up because I knew he didn't want to talk to me. I said hello, and he was still there. I told him I would hang up so he wouldn't have to talk to me. He told me he was sorry and that he wanted to, and that he loved me. I talked to him again the following day. It was a much better conversation. Much like the one we had the second time we talked. The following day I didn't hear from him.
I went to school Thursday and had one of those days. I didn't do well on an assignment. One of my professors made me feel like I was not good enough. I was discouraged. I LET her make me feel like I couldn't possibly ever be a good teacher. I was comparing myself to all of the other people in my Elementary Ed. Cohort. I wasn't near as good as any of them. I was overwhelmed with Christmas coming, not knowing how I could get the kids anything. I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt like I just wanted to give up. I can't do life anymore. The phone rings. It's J. I answer and immediately start sobbing. He asks what is wrong, and I just said I was having a hard day. He said he couldn't talk long. He told me he loved me. He told me he knew I could do anything. He told me he was praying for me. I'mIt was as if I was talking to the J that I married. The one I loved more than anything. He had to quickly hang up. That was a week and a half ago. I haven't talked to him again. I don't know why he didn't call anymore. I did receive one letter last Monday. It read:
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. One thing that I have been able to focus on and pay attention to in jail is that I have been able to successfully find something positive in any situation and
focus on that. It has amazed me just how very simple life can be if it is made to be that way. I think all
things that seem to be overwhelming and a huge deal in everyday life are only that way because we have some sort of fear of whatever it is and we make things a lot harder than they have to be by worrying about them. I think that is what is meant when we say fear is of the devil. You are amazingly strong in your work ethic, spiritually and, your determination. For some reason you don't give yourself enough credit and self worth (I know I am probably responsible for a little bit of that). But I want you to know and feel in your heart how very awesome you are. You need to know that you are great and beautiful and that you can do and accomplish anything your heart desires. I know that is true of you. I am positive without question you are the most amazing and strong and beautiful
woman, mother, and friend I have ever known. I love you and I pray for you. Please love on my babies for me. Don't let anything let you feel like you are not good enough or capable because you are I promise.
I saw that J was released from jail on Wednesday this past week. How? It makes no sense. Nobody heard from him. He didn't go to his mom's, he didn't call me. I found out last night that he finally went to his mom's house on Friday. He not only went there, he brought his girlfriend. He is right back to being with these people. I don't understand. How can someone do this to someone else? Why would he write me that letter? Why does he keep doing this? I have had a hard day today after hearing about him. But one thing that I know, is I need to be done. 100% in every way. He's not changing. I KNOW he CAN change, but he's not. I KNOW he is the most amazing man and has given up so much for such a horrible lifestyle. But I can't do anything to make him want to change.
In our Young Women's class today, my BEAUTIFUL friend taught such an amazing lesson to our precious Beehives (ages 12-13). She talked about how we can choose to deal with trials and the pressures of life. We can choose to do things that will hurt us or we can choose to do things that will help us. She gave an example of such an amazing story about herself. When she was 11 she moved to another school. There was a girl in the school that was very mean to her. She talked about how she made up her mind that instead of being mean back, or feeling sorry for herself, or choosing to let what the girl said or did to her hurt her, she decided to pray for her. She prayed that whatever this girl may have been going through that she could be comforted and be ok. She said as time went on the girl was still mean, but it was getting better and better. By the time she was in ninth grade, this girl was in her seminary class. Her seminary teacher told their class that even if they didn't feel as though they had a testimony of the gospel, it was ok to still bear one. Instead of saying what they know to be true they could say they want to know. She said this girl got up and did just that. She bore her testimony of wanting to know that the church was true. She wanted to know if there really was a Savior that loved her. She said that this girl then stopped being mean. She actually even started treating her as if they were friends. WOW!! What an amazing example of taking an extremely hard situation and doing something that completely exemplified Christ-Like love. And also making the best out of a very hard and painful situation.
It is most certainly not by chance that I sit in on such beautiful lessons. Being the secretary in the Young Women's presidency, I can choose which class I go to each week. I know that it is yet again another tender mercy that the Lord provides for me. Not only being in Young Women with such
valiant, strong, amazing girls and women, but for providing such insight and direction for myself in my own life. I almost feel guilty because here I am supposed to be serving, but I feel like I'M the one that is actually being served more!
 |
| President Dieter F. Uchtdorf |
That lesson today was just what I needed to hear. At the end of the lesson, she used President Uchtdorf's (2nd Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) talk from the General Relief Society broadcast a couple of years ago about the Forget Me Not flower. In that talk he likened that flower to five things we should forget not to do because the Forget Me Not has five petals. She had me work with one our AMAZING Beehives. We were each given one of the 5 things. We were to read and share about it with the others. Ours was "Forget not to be happy now". In President Uchtdorf's talk he talked about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and how everyone desired a golden ticket from the candy bar wrapper. That is what they knew would bring them happiness. He compared it to our own personal lives. How we all strive to receive a golden ticket, whatever it may be, and instead of being happy with what we have along the way and only focusing on that ticket for happiness, that we may never be happy. EXACTLY!!!!!! That is what I have been doing. I need to be happy NOW! I have every single reason in the world to be happy. My sweet mom reminded me quite some time ago, when all I was doing was crying and upset, that instead of placing all of my time and energy into the trial and situation I was in, placing it in my children. That is what will bring true happiness. So I started doing that, and it has made a world of difference. However, I still become discouraged and sad way too often. I need to be happy now. I want to be happy now. I'm ready to be happy now. I am going to CHOOSE to be happy NOW! I have every reason to be happy. I am blessed beyond measure. Truly. I am SO incredibly grateful for the gospel. For my Savior whom I KNOW lives andloves each and everyone of us. Knowing that is the BEST reason to be happy!
Comments
Post a Comment