Trying to be happy.........

So Thanksgiving was not as easy as I thought it would be. I woke up feeling great. Spent time with my kiddos, and two of my favorite nephews. I sent J an email with a link prior to this day. I didn't think he'd respond. He did. He was cold, upset, and almost "business-like." It was about a half hour before the family was coming over for Thanksgiving dinner when I read the email. My heart felt like it had shattered into billions of pieces yet again. This time it was the worst. Knowing that he had been clean for over two weeks. Now I couldn't blame the hurt and rejection on the drugs. In his clean state of mind, I still am not enough for him to want to get help. I responded to his email and told him I'm sorry if the link I sent offended him (it was about pornography and he says that he doesn't have a problem with it). I told him that I wasn't doing well. The last I had heard from him was the letter he sent in jail saying how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. Only to find out the second he gets out, he was right back with his girlfriend. I told him I was extremely grateful for him being apart of providing me with the most precious gift ever, motherhood. I told him again how much it meant to me all that he did for me. For the strength he once was for me. For giving me the happiest years of my life. I wished he and his girlfriend the best. Then ended it. He responded saying that I am only assuming things that aren't true. That he does want/need me. I told him I was sorry for assuming but that I didn't know how to think otherwise when the evidence is blatantly obvious. I went down to my room. I couldn't face all the people coming. I closed my door and immediately started sobbing. A few minutes later I hear a quiet knock on the door. I tried to stop the tears, but found it near impossible. My sweet Addie comes in. "Oh great." I think, "of all people I didn't want her to see me crying." She asked what was wrong. I told her I was just having a hard time for a minute and that I would be ok. She told me they were saying prayer. I told her I needed a few minutes and then I would be up. I told her to go up and eat. She refused. She said, "just try not to think about him and let him keep making you sad." I didn't even have to say anything to her and she knew why I was crying. I didn't know what to say to her. I finally composed myself enough to go upstairs and eat. It was a hard day. I kept thinking "why can't I just be happy? I have every reason to be happy. I'm so selfish. I have WAY more than most people. Remember, be happy NOW?" I tried to focus on my kids, the wonderful family that surrounded me, the MANY blessings in my life. I would be ok for a while. Then it would sneak back up on me. Little things like watching how my sweet brother was with my sister in law, watching Addie follow my brother like a little puppy dog, remembering our first Thanksgiving as a married couple when I was having an extremely hard day and couldn't face being around anyone. My family was out of town so we were supposed to go to his mom's and eat with his family. I couldn't go. Instead of being mad or annoyed, J called his mom and told her I was having a hard time. He then left and came back with our own Thanksgiving meal and we watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. It was honestly the BEST Thanksgiving I ever had. Those memories and little things that kept reminding me of how much I miss him, those thoughts were the enemy. I tried not to dwell on those thoughts too long. They started becoming pretty overwhelming...... Why? Why can't I just move on? Why can't I be happy when I have every reason to be? It'll come. It's called faith in The Lord.   Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to have faith anymore.........