Before you know it...........

Last Friday on January 10th my precious little angel turned ten!! All week last week as I reminisced of when he came into our lives, it seemed literally like yesterday. When I found out I was pregnant with Koleman, in all honesty, I wasn't exactly excited right away. Addie was only 10 months and I had all these overwhelming thoughts going through my mind. I didn't get enough time with just Addie before I had more kids. How could I love another baby as much as I loved her? How is it going to affect Addie? My eating disorder was starting to take over again. How could I possibly be healthy enough? How would we afford it? The thoughts went on and on. As real and overwhelming as those thoughts were, it was incredible how quickly they disintegrated and excitement set in. Then when we found out we were having a boy, it was even more exciting! This may sound crazy, but from the second I first felt him move, I KNEW this little spirit was uniquely special. Of course everyone is special and having a brand new baby is always such a spiritual experience. They bring so much peace. But this was different. I didn't even really talk to anyone about it because I didn't know how to explain it. Koleman was due February 4th so when I started feeling labor pains on the night of January 9th I was a little worried and not even sure if I really was in labor. It was to a T the exact same scenario as it was when Addie was born. It was three weeks early. I felt a little pain and tightness, but not what I would have expected labor to feel like. Both times I told my mom and J and they both were adamant I at least go and be checked. Both times I was sure they would just send me home. And both times they kept me. My sweet grandmother whom I was extremely close to passed away the summer after I graduated high school. Her birthday is January 10th so I started thinking how cool it would be to have the baby on her birthday even though it was three weeks early. Well at exactly 4:24 am on January 10th, my precious angel was born. Immediately when I held him for the first time, those feelings I had when I first felt him move were multiplied. This baby was definitely special. What was different? I didn't know right away, but as time went on those feelings never changed. In fact they just got stronger. I cannot believe how quickly he has grown!!! As we celebrated his birthday, I just kept watching him thinking there would be nothing worse then to not have this precious little boy and his sweet sister in my life. They're EVERYTHING to me. They're my reason for living. They're why I wake up every morning. There is no greater joy found in ANYTHING then being THEIR mom! Once again my thoughts quickly turned to J. It is not even comprehensible to me that he so easily just walked away from the two most precious gifts he ever received. My heart sank. I can't imagine not going to bed each night without seeing their precious faces as they soundly sleep. Being able to take them to school and watch Addie walk in with so much confidence, being in awe every day how old she is and how mature she is becoming. Or dropping Koley off each morning watching as he walks in with his backpack that is full of all of his extra things he has to bring each day to school making his backpack weigh more than him, taking his time to stop every few steps as he stares at a bird, while talking to himself. Listening to all of Addie's stories of her day. Watching her dance, play the violin, or watching her as she so kindly and tenderly cares for everyone. Or listening to Koleman tell me all about his game he's playing, listening to all the new facts he's learned from his book, just listening to his sweet little voice that I never want to change! How could anyone just abandon these precious joys for something that brings complete opposite feelings of what true joy is? I couldn't go one day without hearing their voices, let alone 7 months. I couldn't stand to not know every little thing that is happening with them, let alone the big things. The beauty is I won't have to know what it would be like. Time has seemed to almost be at a stand still the past four years when I look back at where the road has taken us. But when I look at how quickly the kids have grown and changed, it has FLOWN by. Instead of feeling sad for myself at what I have lost, I have been thinking of how terrible it would be to have lost EVERYTHING that is important to me. I only lost one thing, he lost it all.