New Year = New Start

At the start of yet another year, I am excited, anxious, and extremely ready to move forward in faith and joy as I have set some goals for myself that will not only make me a better person, but will help me truly feel happiness again. As Christmas day arrived, I thought it would be just fine. I thought I would do well and enjoy the day. I was surprised when I woke up feeling a huge knot in my stomach. I didn't feel the happiness and excitement the way I usually do on Christmas morning as I anxiously await my kids waking up to see the joy on their faces as we go see what Santa brought them. I was excited for it, but not the same way I usually am. I woke up the kids about 7. I ran upstairs and stood there waiting to video them as they ran up the stairs to find the gifts that were left for them the night before. Why could I just not feel the excitement and happiness that I usually do? I felt lonely. Usually, their dad videos them, not me. He usually gets up with me always telling me happy birthday first thing, then helps me wake them up as we share in the excitement. It hit me, he's gone. I tried to shake the feelings and not let the kids pick up on the sadness that seemed to engulf every part of me. I tried to once again fake happiness. It never works with Addie. She immediately asked me if I was ok. I lied and told her of course I was. She was so excited and happy, but every once in a while I would get a glimpse of her looking at me, with a look that meant she was wondering what was wrong. I would smile at her and try to reassure her that everything was fine (yep, I do lie sometimes). Every year it has been a tradition since I was tiny to have a great big Christmas breakfast. Growing up my mom's whole side of the family would go to my Aunt's house and she and my Uncle made breakfast for everyone. My parents have carried on that tradition with our own family. My brother and his family, and my sister if she is ever in town for Christmas, all have breakfast at my parent's house. We have a sweet family that my brother and sister in law are extremely close to that we have adopted in a sense. They moved here from Iowa and do not have any family here at all. They fit right in and we invite them to be apart of our family for Holidays and other special events. I knew they would all be coming over soon. I didn't want to see anyone. I wanted to hide in a hole. I went downstairs as my kids were busy with their new things, and hid in my bedroom. The feelings of sadness were overwhelming. It wasn't long and my sweet sister in law was at my bedside rubbing my back as I cried. She didn't even have to say anything. I knew she was there to help comfort. Soon after my amazing brother was there as well, and then my sweet adopted sister. I was surrounded by so many amazing people so full of love for me. I felt their love so strongly. But I still felt alone. I was surrounded by loved ones, and still felt alone. I decided to suck it up and go have breakfast with my kids. I gradually felt better as the day progressed. I had many amazing people that I love dearly texting, and calling to wish me a happy birthday. That night, I felt much better. I felt happy. I endured my first Christmas as a divorced person.
 The days following Christmas, I knew as the new year was approaching, I wanted and needed to make some goals for myself. More than anything I want to have a very close relationship with my Heavenly Father. I knew that the feelings that still crept up on me of anger towards J, towards his girlfriend, towards all of the people he associates with, made it blatantly obvious that I wasn't near where I wanted to be in forgiving, and letting go. I began thinking, "how in the world can I forgive someone who doesn't even seem to care what he has done? How can I forgive someone who only continues to hurt not only me, but the two people I love more than anything and everything, my precious kids?" I decided I needed to immediately ask my Heavenly Father to help me. Help me get through this process so that I can rid myself of such yucky feelings of anger and move on.
 I wanted J to know that I really want to forgive him. I really want to move on. He has been missing for over three weeks now, but I wanted to try to at least send him an email. It read:

As it is nearing the end of yet another year I am writing some major things that I need to do better or even at all that will strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I went to the temple last week and felt so happy being in His house and feeling of His love for me. Satan is relentless and is most definitely doing all in his power to disintegrate families and making our world more and more desensitized to things that only bring us further and further away from The Lord. 

I have to be honest, the last two years have been without a doubt the most painful, discouraging, stressful, difficult years in my life. I am truly in awe of the Savior. I truly don't know how I, myself, made it to today. It is mind boggling and incredibly humbling to even try to imagine that not only did the Savior feel of, what has been to me, the most painful, darkest despair I could possibly fathom I'd ever have to experience, but He has felt every single person's pain whether physical or emotional. I can't even imagine having to bear more pain than I have had, but He did. It is truly remarkable. What is even more humbling is that all He asks for in return is for our faithfulness to Him. After all He had to endure, all He wants is for us to try our best to love as He loves, serve as He serves, and keep His commandments. There have been many times in the last two years when I have felt as though I couldn't go on even one more minute. Then I would literally fall on my knees and weep asking Him to please take the pain. As I know I am EXTREMELY far from where I want to be, I often feel guilty for asking Him to take the burdens from me when I am so imperfect. But as I have come to realize what the Atonement is truly about, I have also realized that He has already paid the price for all of my MANY MANY imperfections. He is waiting for me to lay the burdens at His feet and move on in faithfulness. J, I have to be honest, I don't think I have fully forgiven you because of the feelings that creep up on me at times. Angry feelings, not hateful at all, just angry. But my main focus right now in acquiring the goal of reaching and maintaining a closer relationship with my Father in Heaven is to fully forgive you and move on. I have to say it is extremely hard when it feels like you don't even seem to care what you have done, and even justify your actions with excuses or blame, and just continue to hurt by CHOOSING not to seek help so that you can be a part of our lives again. But I too am trying to remember that although your actions are extremely hard to swallow, I know you can't possibly be happy with the lifestyle and choices you've made. At least not truly happy. I love you more than words can EVER express, and although I have been hurt, I truly can't bare the thoughts of you hurting. Despite what you think, I don't want you to hurt. I don't want you to suffer. I don't want you to lose all that is important. I truly love you more than you'll ever know. Although I can't say I'm there yet, I WILL fully forgive you. I WILL! You are so amazing. You really truly are. As I was studying, I came across this article in The New Era from April 2005 by President Packer entitled "The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness." In it he says:

"The gospel teaches us that relief from torment and guilt can be earned through repentance. Save for those few who defect to perdition after having known a fullness, there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no offense exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness.

“Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” That is, Isaiah continued, “if ye be willing and obedient” (Isa. 1:18–19).

The grace of God promised in the scriptures comes only “after all we can do” (2 Ne. 25:23)

I love you so much. You are worth so much. Please pray and ask Heavenly Father to help you realize your value. You truly are amazing.Love Andrea 

On New Year's Eve, almost at midnight actually, I received this (I just copied and pasted so I didn't fix any spelling errors):

I am glad that u are able to see so well and to be honest with yourself knowing were u are at forgiving me. I honestly have a heart that hurts to beat just thinking about what has happened. I wish I could somehow show you the intent of my heart. I miss my babies so very badly. I have cried so much that I feel like I don't have any liquids left in my body just , wondering what they R doing, and what kind of things do they say now. I can't believe how big they are. I hurt all over my body just seeing any kids playing. I have anxiety like never before and panic attacks that render me useless for up to two days. I know what mistakes I have made and what consequences they have made me face and even some of them that hurt u and the kids. I am sick inside whenever I think of what must what u think of me whenever you remember me. I feel like all these horrible feelings of ugliness are what I should feel for the rest of my life to pay for my sins. I am kinda in a rut and stuck right now please help.......

I didn't know how to respond, so I just simply said that it is hard to help someone when we don't even know where they are. He didn't reply.

Yesterday I received a text from a very odd number. An out of state area code. It said, "I'm looking for J Hadley." I didn't know if I should respond, and if I did I didn't know what to say. I left it alone for a while. I went to the temple last night. When I got home I felt like I should respond. I just said, "Who is this?" I didn't get a response.
I usually don't take my phone to church, but I did today. We were sitting in sacrament meeting, and Koleman reached into my purse and pulled it out. He was going to play on it. As I went to take it away from him, I noticed a text. It was from that same number. It said, "Who is this. I'm J's friend. We just wanted to make sure he is ok. His girl got after him for not being sober and he disappeared. Have you seen or talked to him?"  I froze. Once again, the feelings of rejection and being worthless started to engulf me. The phrase, "his girl" just kept ringing in my mind. He doesn't even care. He doesn't even realize. He so easily just abandoned me and more so his own children to have this lifestyle with another girl. I know I was supposed to marry J so that I could have my precious angels, but did he ever really love me? Why did he marry me? Was I just being used for something? These thoughts would not stop. How can someone do this to someone else and not show any true remorse at all? I couldn't stop the tears from surfacing. I quickly helped Koley find where his new primary class was and left. When I walked in the house I immediately fell on my knees and began pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me. I am so tired of these horrible feelings that overcome me. I just want to move on. I just want to turn my heart off. After praying I laid on the floor next to the fireplace and listened to conference talks. As I was laying there, I began to feel a sense of peace. Yet another tender mercy from the Lord. I realized that this is going to be a huge process. It may not happen in a month, it may not happen in a year, it may not even happen in 5 years, but I WILL forgive Kevin. I will get to the point where I can move forward, even when things like this pop up, and remember not only who I am but Whose I am. Then the overwhelming feelings of doubt yet again began to take over. How? How can I forgive someone who doesn't even seem to care what he's done? How can I forgive when I just continually keep getting hurt? Again, I tried to block those thoughts that most certainly were coming from Satan out. Then I realized, it is going to be one day at a time. Maybe even one moment at a time. But with all the faith and courage I can possibly muster, I will attain this goal. This huge feat. I know now more than ever, Satan is going to step in. He is going to try to take over. He doesn't want me to forgive J. He doesn't want me to be happy. I have to be on guard. I have to do all in my power to stay strong. I feel like I have conquered these yucky feelings, then something like this will happen, and it makes me realize that I have a lot of work ahead of me. I am going to try to be patient with myself. I will get there. I need to. I have to.