Let me tell you why....

Pictures from when we were dating I found in my storage unit.

So I mentioned in my last post that I have been struggling. I don't know what the heck my deal has been! Friday didn't help the way I was feeling. I was made aware that J communicates with this girlfriend (that he claims is most certainly not his girlfriend) in jail. It's funny because although I know it is a fact that they are together, deep, deep way down I realize that even with all the evidence and proof of their relationship, I convince a tiny part of me that what he tells me is true and that they are not in a relationship at all. Why can't I just feel content? Why can't I just believe that although J acts like he could care less about me, I am still worth more than how I feel just for the sole fact that I am a daughter of God? When will the hurt end? Why can't I be strong and just be ok with who I am? I began to reminisce in my mind about all that Jand I have gone through together. All the good times we had. All the times he was there to comfort me. All the times he made me feel like I was the most important thing in the world, that I was beautiful, that I was strong, that I was loved so deeply by him that nothing else mattered. Our first year of marriage for us was very trying. Two months before we were married, I had just been through the in patient treatment facility for my eating disorder. Although I was doing better, I was still not doing great. I wasn't only struggling with food issues, but my self worth, my depression, my anxiety, everything. The center had given me great tools and a wonderful foundation to continue to build back up to where I should be, but just like a drug addiction, my eating disorder was not something that just went away after 3 months of intense treatment. We were married in June. Three months later, I found out I was expecting Addie. It was a surprise to say the least. We were extremely excited, but I was not doing well AT ALL. I had to be healthy for this baby! I worked hard to face the battle I had with food. I was going to do all in my power for this precious spirit that was coming to our family. I became more depressed, anxious, and had zero self-worth. From the time we were married up until the point I found out I was pregnant, I was almost back to where I was before I went through the center for in patient treatment. I was down to about 104 pounds, and my weight was still rapidly dropping. I didn't want to go out in the world, I didn't want to face anything. If I didn't have J by my side cheering me on, telling me I was beautiful, I was amazing, I could beat this, I was worth it. He was right there wiping away my tears, picking me up off the floor when I felt too weak to move, and just holding me, rubbing my legs when they would ache so badly I could hardly stand it, sacrificing things he probably really wanted to do to be there with me when I didn't want to keep going.
     I was two months pregnant. It was Thanksgiving, our first Thanksgiving as a married couple. My parents were going to my mom's family Thanksgiving four hours away. I didn't want to go. I just didn't want to do anything. We decided we would just stay home and go over to J's mom's for Thanksgiving. The morning of, I was getting ready. I started having major anxiety. I kept thinking, "I can't do this. His family doesn't like me. I don't fit in. They don't want me there." Every negative thought about myself I could possibly think, I was thinking. "What should I do?", I kept thinking to myself. "I already make J feel as though he has to miss everything when I'm not able to face the world." I looked in the mirror, and that was the kicker. As shallow as this is, I could not show that ugly face anywhere. I didn't even want J to look at me. I just sat in the bathroom and cried. There was a soft knock on the door. "An, are you ok? What can I do? I love you so much." He always knew exactly what I needed. He never told me to stop crying, he never told me I was stupid for feeling the way I felt, or that I should just get over it, he would always just let me know he was there, that he cared, that he loved me. I opened the door and right then he knew. He said, "Hey, let's just hang out here! It will be fun having it be just the two of us. We can watch a movie and just be together." I insisted he go to his family dinner. I didn't want to ruin yet another thing for him. He insisted that he only wanted to be with me. I felt so horrible. I felt so guilty. No, he can't miss out again because of my stupid issues and insecurities. "J, I need you to go. Please go for me. I want you to be with your family and have a great Thanksgiving. I'll be ok here. I just want to sleep anyway." He tried to stay and argued with me for a bit longer. Finally, I convinced him to go. He was gone about 45 minutes. I was laying down on the couch trying to sleep. I hear the front door shut and someone coming down the stairs. Sure enough, in walks J. He has a tray with two plates full of food. Turkey, potatoes and gravy, corn, rolls, stuffing. He looked at me and said, "Happy Thanksgiving." We ate our dinner, and had the best time just being with each other. Once again, he made all of my worries, all of my worthless feelings disintegrate. After we finished eating, he went and turned on the new Grinch movie with Jim Carey that had just come out on video. It was the BEST Thanksgiving I ever had. EVER.
 I think there are times when some people probably think, "Why don't you just move on? He has done such horrible things. You will be so much happier now without him." That story of our first Thanksgiving is just one small example of why it's simply not that easy. The J who so selflessly did what he did for me that day, instead of being angry or annoyed, but only showing true unconditional love, that is the REAL J. And that is why it is not as easy to move on as it would seem after all of the things that have happened in recent years. The man that loved me like nobody has ever loved me before, is the reason I can't just let go. Some days I feel so much stronger. I know that what he has become or transformed into, is in no way a person I would want to be with, or is even healthy for me to be with, but the hard part is, I KNOW who he really is. He is buried down inside right now. Right now this mind set he is in, the things he does, how he talks, none of those things are even close to being the real J.