I WILL!!!!!

So, I know I am not the most positive person when writing on this blog. If there are any people that actually read this thing, I truly apologize for not being more uplifting. I have to say though, this is truly my release. This is my way of getting out so much of the yucky things that I let plague me almost consistently. I have become a very bitter person when it comes to any holiday. It seems like that is when I feel the worst. So with Easter coming, I have again, been feeling down. I don't want to and need not to have such "poor me" feelings, especially because that is exactly what Satan is shooting for. He wants me to be miserable. He wants me to stop trying. He wants me to give up, and feel like I am alone. Unfortunately, I have been letting him win....... yet again. That is my reason for  posting tonight. I get to a point where I can't fake it anymore. I can't always fake that it doesn't kill me every single time I go to Sacrament meeting and watch all of these amazing husbands and fathers with their families. I can't always fake that I don't hate when Addie goes to hang out at another friend's house because she, more than anything, helps to take my mind off of "life" and lose myself in her amazing spirit. I can't always fake not wanting to plug my ears and hide when I hear other people talking about their husbands. I can't always fake in front of my kids that I don't want more than anything for their dad to be with us when we do things or go places. I try so hard to fake happy to the point that it goes overboard sometimes, and I even drive myself crazy. I know I have said it a million times, and I know with all of my heart it is a fact that only I have the power to choose to be happy, and dwell on things to help me be that way. I know that. So then when I get in these ruts and feel so overwhelmed with loneliness and sadness, I don't understand what is wrong with me! I KNOW where happiness comes from and what it takes to be happy. I have EVERY reason to be the happiest person on earth. Then why? Why can't I feel that way so often? Why is it so hard? Why can't I just be like all of those positive, happy people that are still positive and happy even in the midst of affliction? Then I start thinking of how I was feeling last year at this time. How so unbelievably crazy and insane my life was. How out of control I felt all the time. How I was constantly trying to convince myself that I was not crazy when I could swear everything that came out of J's mouth for the most part wasn't true, but he was so adamant that he was being honest and that I was horrible for not believing him. One Sunday morning, not too long before he left for the last time, we were running late for church (as always). J was actually home that morning when I woke up. Usually he would be asleep on the couch, or pretend to be sleeping, as I would be busily getting myself and the kids ready. I never knew if he would wake up and choose to go to church with us, or if I should wake him up and ask him. Usually if I tried the latter, he would have an excuse of not feeling well, or he would act like he just couldn't wake up. So I just got to the point where I didn't even try. However, as I would be getting us ready, I purposely wasn't quiet. I would blast music off of lds.org from the youth page, talk loudly to the kids, turn the lights on where he would be sleeping to do Addie's hair, or even ask him to please help Koleman get his shoes on or help him button his shirt. This morning, I was surprised when I actually felt like I should ask him if he was going with us to church, and he said yes. He didn't seem extremely enthusiastic about it, but at least he was coming. He got up and got dressed. When he was in the bathroom, I noticed his cell phone sticking out a little from under the couch. He NEVER left it laying around. He made sure that it was ALWAYS with him. Anytime I could, I would try to see if I could figure things out by reading his texts or looking at his call log (sounds horrible I know, but I was desperate). Usually the texts were always deleted, except the ones from me. There was a few that had just came through. I didn't know hardly any of the contacts in his phone. He claimed they were all "business related". This text was from some guy. It said, "Hey dude, you got any blues my girl is sick as s***." I had no idea what "blues" were. I texted the guy back, "what are blues?" I'm sure I made J look like a huge idiot. He texted back, "Really? Come on! 30's". At this point I could hear J coming out of the bathroom. I quickly hid his phone. He asked where his phone went. I handed it to him. "Why did you have it?" he asked. I asked him, "What are blues?" He looked at me with disgust, "What are you talking about?!" He yelled at me. I told him that a text came and I saw it. I told him what it said. He told me how horrible I was for reading his texts. I disregarded that, and asked again what blues were. "It's just Sudafed", he said. I asked why his friend asked him for that. He told me he probably just needed to borrow some. We walked to get in the car and it had a flat tire. This was like the billionth flat tire in two weeks, I swear. We desperately needed new tires (obviously), but didn't have money to get them. I got upset, and said, "I guess we better start walking", I thought, it would be the perfect way for J to get out of not going with us. Koleman started melting down. It was hot and he didn't want to walk. I went and found a scooter and asked him if he would rather ride that. He was more willing to go on the scooter. J started walking while I was situating Koley with the scooter and trying to carry all of our scriptures and church bags. I was upset that he just took off without offering to help me carry anything, but at least he was going I guess. I tried to catch up to him, and at this point Koley was way ahead of me (Addie went earlier with my mom). I called J's name. He stopped and turned around. He waited for me to catch up. I finally made it to where he was, and he just started walking again. He was walking extremely fast. His legs are twice as long as mine so it didn't take long for him to be way ahead of me again, besides the fact that I was trying to carry a whole bunch of stuff. I tried to hold them back, but couldn't any longer. Tears started streaming down my face. I couldn't wipe them away because my arms were full. By the time we were reaching the church, J slowed down. Koley was still a ways ahead on his scooter, but I could see him. When I made it close enough to J, he saw I was crying. "What", he said in a very rude and insensitive way. "I can't believe you", I whispered. He said, "I'm not going to do this An. If you are going to start telling me what a pile of sh** I am, I will go back." I couldn't contain the mess of emotions now overcoming me. "I'm sure you will J, because that is the perfect excuse for you to leave and not come to church AGAIN!!!!" He turns around and starts walking away. "What is wrong with you J?!!! What is it? Do you not have your fix?" I could not believe I had just said that. I didn't EVER talk about J being on drugs to him like that. He turned and gave me one of the scariest looks I had ever seen from him. "MY NEXT FIX!!!! GO AHEAD! TELL ME ALL OF THE CRAP YOU JUST KNOW I AM DOING! YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT ME THAN I DO!!" That was another one of his lines I heard nearly everyday. "Why don't you just tell me how it is. Why do you even ask me anything? You seem to know way more about me than even I know about me." I heard it all the time. His main manipulator with me. Trying to convince me that I was crazy. That I was horrible for thinking that he would do any of the things I accused him of doing. I immediately started apologizing, like I always did after I would say something like that. "J, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I just don't understand. Please tell me what is wrong. What is really going on J?" He started walking toward me, "You know everything about me An. Come on let's go to church." I didn't say anything. We went into Sacrament Meeting. After Sacrament Meeting, I walked Koley to primary and went into Sunday school. J said he needed to use the restroom. I saved him a seat next to me. He never came. I wasn't surprised. When we got home from church, he was working on the tire. I asked why he left. He told me he got a phone call and that one of his friends (I didn't know any of his "friends" anymore), said he would be able to come help him fix the tire, but he could only come at that time, so he had to leave. I asked why the tire still wasn't fixed then. He got upset and told me that his friend was coming back with a different tire. He thought he had one that he could let us use. This friend apparently came back, but  he didn't bring a tire. I went out and J was gone. I called his phone. Usual scenario, no answer. I started the routine of calling hundreds of times until he would answer. In the middle of the calls, I get a text, "I can't talk right now, I left with (whoever this "friend" was) to get a tire." Of course he couldn't talk. He never could when I needed him. NEVER. He showed up at 2 in the morning.

 Looking back to that and how that was literally my life day in and day out, it makes me realize how much further I have come as far as strength. I am in no way as strong as most people would be in this kind of situation, but going off of where I was then compared to now, it has been quite the transformation. My testimony has grown one hundred fold in my Heavenly Father and Savior. They are the only reason I am where I am. I kid you not, I was literally carried it feels, through so many days. I don't know how else I, being the biggest wimp out there, would have ever gone through those days without the knowledge of the gospel and knowing that I have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior to turn to and place the burdens at His feet, knowing that He so selflessly paid the price already for these trials. He loves us more than we can ever comprehend!!!! Satan is relentless. He is on a rampage. He's pulling out every stop possible. I have to stay strong I WILL NOT let him get me. But I have to keep my guard up. He is working so hard on me right now. He can't win. He won't win. I look around and there is so much justification for things that to most are small, but those small things lead to bigger and bigger things. I am guilty of being a justifier. I'm embarrassed to admit that, but unfortunately it's true. I LOVE the song by Hillary Weeks called "I will". You can listen to it by clicking this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXp09aid-Qo. I love how it says, "In a world where so many will not, I will." I want to stand strong. I want to be brave. I have to. That is truly the ONLY ticket to true happiness. I will.