No Matter Our Trials...... Be Grateful

  

When I first started to tell my story about my marriage on this blog, I made a post about how I don't want to degrade, undermine, or make J out to be anything less than what he is. I am sure that as I have written about my life the past few years it has made people think otherwise. I just want to say again, who J is has NOTHING to do with his actions now. That is in no way who he is. I don't write to get back at him, to make the world think he's horrible, or to degrade who J really is. I simply write for a few reasons. The first being that I felt extremely prompted to do so. And now, anymore, I write because it is extremely therapeutic for me. It is absolutely SHOCKING what a substance can do to change a person to the point they are not even close to showing any signs of who they really are anymore. J is the most amazing man I have ever met. He is honest, faithful, loving, accepting, humble, spiritual, compassionate, witty, an amazing father and husband, and tender. Who this person is now is 100% caused by the addiction. I have had an extremely hard week. I know I sound like a broken record, but as it is approaching the date of the day I made him leave for the last time a year ago, I have had SO much anxiety and overwhelming feelings of loneliness. I never let the hope that some day I would get my J back fade away completely.........until now. I am in no way saying he can't or won't change, but I feel as though I have lost my best friend, my husband, my eternal companion forever.
Lately, every time I drive certain places in town, that in no way I can avoid, I get anxiety. I was doing so well with that for so long, but now it is back, worse than before. One night last year, we didn't have any gas in the car (as usual). Koleman had his best little buddy over. I am friends with his mom, and she invited us to come to her house to play games. She is single as well and actually went through a lot of similar things with her ex husband. I asked J if there was any way he could please get gas in the car somehow. At this point he claimed he was working for this guy doing some kind of sales to small business owners. He had worked for a few weeks. I kept asking when he would get paid. His answer changed consistently but was usually pretty convincing. At first he would say, "I have to work for a month before I get my first check." When a month went by it went to, "Probably the end of this week, Something is wrong with my paper work that I filled out for taxes, or the secretary hasn't put me in the system yet." The list goes on. I asked J several times to show me where his work was. He never would. The last time I asked he yelled, "Why the heck do I have to show you where I work?! I don't need to prove anything to you! There is no reason you need to see it." I NEVER saw one dime from that "job". So going back to that night. Of course we didn't have any money. My paychecks would be gone in two days. I only got paid once a month and by the time I paid bills, tithing, and got things we needed it was gone. So we NEVER had a full tank of gas and literally ran out of gas on the side of the road more times than I can even count. We were constantly scraping for any change to get any just to get the kids and I to school. So this night wasn't any different. I wanted so badly to go to my friend's house. When I asked J for a way to get gas, he told me he would figure it out. I think I heard that phrase, "I'll figure it out" at least 10 times a day. He told me we could just go and he would take us and then go figure out how to get some money for gas. I was always so worried when he would say that. I would think, "How do you just go get money, even if it was only a few dollars???" So we left. We made it maybe a little more than a mile and the car starts to sputter. J pulls into a parking lot. I immediately start crying. I was SO tired of this. Any time I would cry it would infuriate him! He didn't say a word. He gets out of the car and walks over to a curb and sits down. I just sat there. I was so worried and angry. I get out and start yelling, "J! I am so tired of this!!! When are you going to ever get paid?!" He didn't say a word. He takes my phone and calls someone. I went back to the car. Koley and his little buddy were just both sitting in the back seat playing their DS's. I tried not to cry and make it look like everything was ok. I used to be a pro at hiding (or at least thinking I was hiding) that I was upset, or covering for J's behavior with the kids. Not anymore. Not only did I realize they totally knew things were not ok, I couldn't ever hold back the tears and crazy emotions I would be having. The boys didn't say anything. I tried to pull it together, and ask them about the games they were playing. We sat there for about 15 minutes. Finally J comes over to the car. He tells me that I will probably be able to make it to my friend's house, and that he was going to go "figure out" how to get some gas to me. I was so hesitant. But in my mind (still so dumb) I thought there was no way he would send me if he didn't think I would get there. So I left. Amazingly, I made it. We were there for a couple of hours. Still no word from J. I called and called like always, and he wouldn't answer. It was getting late. Koley was so tired and wanted to go home so badly. I went outside to call J again. Finally he answers. I could hear loud music and voices. "Where the heck are you?!!!!", I screamed. "Why won't you EVER answer your phone?!" He told me that he wasn't going to talk to me if I started yelling. I just sat there in disbelief. Who was this person? What in the world? He told me his friend (that I never met, but also didn't feel good about), was driving him to a gas station right then and they were going to bring a gas can. I told him Koley was tired and I felt bad being at my friend's house for so long and so late. He said it would only be like 20 more minutes now. I hung up and went back in the house. Twenty minutes go by. No J. Normal for him so I waited. 45 minutes. An hour. An hour and a half. Poor Koley was melting down like no other. He didn't understand why we just couldn't go. We had a car. My friend offered to take us home. I just didn't know how I would get the car home, and I needed it in the morning. I go out and call again. Surprisingly he answers only after five times of calling. He didn't even say hello, he answered, "Kyle is such an idiot. He freaking ran out of gas. He's walking to the gas station right now and I'm just sitting here waiting for him." I didn't even know what to say. Then he tells me his phone was going to die (it was always what he told me), so he better hang up. I chucked my phone on the grass and started sobbing. I could not believe him!!!!!! I said a prayer. I went back in and told Koleman that we were going to leave. I just kept praying in my heart that we would make it home. We left. Every inch we went I was thankful for. I just kept praying. Koley fell asleep in the back seat. I get half way home, and the car starts sputtering. Please no! I kept saying. Please just make it home. Please. It died. I pulled off the side of the freeway. Luckily Koley was sound asleep. What am I going to do??? I called J. His phone went straight to voicemail. Great. My parents were out of town. What should I do? It was almost midnight. I just sat there sobbing. I then remembered that J used my phone to call that friend of his that he was with!!! I called the number. His friend answers. I asked for J. He said, "Oh I'm not with him right now, but I will be soon. I'm almost to my car now." So backing up, this "friend" he had only had for maybe two weeks. I had taken my wedding ring off the summer before when I found out about Morgan (the girl he cheated on me with). I just couldn't bring myself to put it back on. To me, the ring symbolized so much. If we were going to stay married and work it out, I decided I wanted to sell my ring and someday get a new one kind of like a clean, fresh start. I told J that and I was a bit surprised that he was ok with it. In fact he almost seemed excited about it. He told me he would try and sell it for me. Needles to say, we were in desperate need of money. J told me he knew a guy that owned a pawn shop and he said he would just go see how much he could get for the ring. Apparently he met this "new friend" at the pawn shop. He supposedly told J that he could give him more for the ring than the pawn shop because that is what he did for a living. One night the week prior to this night, J said he was going over to this guy's house so he could inspect the ring and make him an offer. He left our house at around 9. He didn't get home until 3 that morning. He said that the guy took forever to inspect it. He then said that he actually thought he knew someone who would give even more money than he could for it so they were then waiting forever for him to come and look at it. Again, another very fishy story, but I tried to force myself to believe him. So now going back to being stranded on the side of the freeway. The guy told me he was walking back to his car and would be with J soon. He then said that he actually was wanting to talk to me. He went on to tell me that he really didn't buy and sell things for a living, and that the ring had really been stolen, but J was afraid to tell me because he didn't want to lose me. My heart sank. WHAT? I asked who stole it. The guy said it was some other kid J knows. My head was spinning. He didn't want me to tell J that he told me anything. To this day, I don't really know why he tried to rat J out. I told him where I was and that I had ran out of gas trying to go home because it was so late. Then I hung up. I waited for about a half hour. Finally they pull up behind me. I didn't get out because we were on the freeway. J gets out of this guy's car, comes to the car, doesn't say a word, just puts gas in the car. He walks back and gets in his friend's car. I called and asked his friend if I could talk to him. I ask him why he isn't coming home with me. He told me he wanted to make sure his friend got home ok because he didn't know if he had been drinking. What??? I was so tired and done, I just hung up. I waited for them to leave ahead of me because I wanted to follow them as far as I could. They were quite a ways ahead of me, but I kept my eye on them. They turned down this one street that J had gotten a flat tire on a few weeks ago. It was a very sketchy neighborhood. I didn't follow them down the road they turned on. I was just beside myself. I don't even know what time J got home. When I woke up the next morning, he was home. I confronted him about the ring. He gave me a big story about how this one guy told him he wanted to see it and see how much it looked like it was worth, and he took off with it....... I still don't know where my ring went, or if it was really stolen. Unfortunately I believe it was traded or sold for drugs.
As I sit here thinking about how my life was just 10 months ago, when J was living (I guess if we want to call it that) with us. EVERY SINGLE day there was something similar to that situation. Sometimes not as bad, sometimes worse. I look back in awe that it was how I lived for so long. Then it makes me so humbled to realize that I was being carried through every day by my Heavenly Father. He gave me so much strength. Strength that most certainly my mortal body is not capable of having on it's own.
Last weekend as I watched conference, I was so humbled as I listened to these amazing men and women of God guiding, teaching, and bearing testimony with such a strong spirit that these words are truly what the Lord would want us to hear. One talk in particular was given, I feel, just for me! I LOVE President Uchtdorf. He talked about being grateful no matter our circumstances. He talked about how we usually look back at trials and afflictions and are grateful after they are done, but he
questioned why we can't be grateful in the midst of them. So true. In his talk he said:
    

     Over the years, I have had the sacred opportunity to meet with many people whose sorrows seem to reach the very depths of their soul. In these moments, I have listened to my beloved brothers and sisters and grieved with them over their burdens. I have pondered what to say to them, and I have struggled to know how to comfort and support them in their trials.

Often their grief is caused by what seems to them as an ending. Some are facing the end of a cherished relationship, such as the death of a loved one or estrangement from a family member. Others feel they are facing the end of hope—the hope of being married or bearing children or overcoming an illness. Others may be facing the end of their faith, as confusing and conflicting voices in the world tempt them to question, even abandon, what they once knew to be true.

Sooner or later, I believe that all of us experience times when the very fabric of our world tears at the seams, leaving us feeling alone, frustrated, and adrift.

It can happen to anyone. No one is immune.

    Everyone’s situation is different, and the details of each life are unique. Nevertheless, I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious.

We can be grateful!

It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding.

As disciples of Christ, we are commanded to “thank the Lord [our] God in all things,”¹ to “sing unto the Lord with thanksgiving,”² and to “let [our] heart be full of thanks unto God.”³

Why does God command us to be grateful?

All of His commandments are given to make blessings available to us. Commandments are opportunities to exercise our agency and to receive blessings. Our loving Heavenly Father knows that choosing to develop a spirit of gratitude will bring us true joy and great happiness.

      But some might say, “What do I have to be grateful for when my world is falling apart?”

Perhaps focusing on what we are grateful for is the wrong approach. It is difficult to develop a spirit of gratitude if our thankfulness is only proportional to the number of blessings we can count. True, it is important to frequently “count our blessings”—and anyone who has tried this knows there are many—but I don’t believe the Lord expects us to be less thankful in times of trial than in times of abundance and ease. In fact, most of the scriptural references do not speak of gratitude for things but rather suggest an overall spirit or attitude of gratitude.

It is easy to be grateful for things when life seems to be going our way. But what then of those times when what we wish for seems to be far out of reach?

Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.

  We can choose to be grateful, no matter what.

This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer.

When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.

We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?

Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.

This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind.

    
     We were sent here to be happy, to grow, learn, and progress. We have the ability and even the right to be happy even in the midst of trials! It is true. I truly have the BEST life, and way too often I focus on what I don't have, how sad I feel, or how stressful life is. I am not nearly grateful enough for the amazing life and blessings that I do have. I have SO MUCH more than most people do. First and foremost, the gospel. The greatest gift ever. My two healthy, strong, amazing kids that bring only pure happiness. My amazing parents who bend over backwards to help me in billions of ways. My brother and sister and their families. I have such amazing friends and people all over who the Lord has blessed me with in my life. I am able to go to school to provide a better more stable life financially for my kids and I. I could go on and on. Truly. I do have every reason to be grateful. Every reason to be happy. It is up to me. It is my choice and nobody else. I feel like I am always so negative when writing my feelings on here. I know that I will still have hard days, but I also know that dwelling on negativity, and all that I don't have is only a detriment, not only to me, but my precious kids. I am so blessed. I am SO GRATEFUL.