"Fear Not...."
Dear J,
It has been a couple of weeks now that I have been done with school for the summer. It is definitely nice to get some things done that I haven't been able to, but it has also been really hard. I need my mind busy with different things during the day. I've been really cleaning out the downstairs where we live at my mom and dad's so that it isn't so cluttered with our stuff. It is almost impossible for it not to be cluttered considering all three of us share a room and there isn't much space to put everything. I am not complaining by ANY means! I am SO grateful that my parents are so generous and self-less in providing a home to live in while I am finishing school. If I didn't have them, I honestly don't know where the kids and I would be. It actually just gave me anxiety thinking about that. How blessed I am to have them!!! Anyway, I have been really struggling (not surprising I'm sure because I say that a LOT), especially the past couple of weeks. I have too much time now to think while I do mindless things like cleaning. I think about a lot of things. I then begin to over think a lot of things to the point that I have been having panic attacks on a regular basis the last couple of weeks. I get these overwhelming scared feelings where I am literally in fear. I'm in fear of so many things. I fear not being able to provide adequately enough for myself and our kids. I fear the possibility of not being able to get a job after I graduate. I fear that the kids are growing up so fast and that in only 6 short years, Addie will most likely be leaving me to go to college or on a mission, and then right after Koley may follow. I fear being alone forever. I fear when I feel alone. I fear that I am not able to help Koley like I should be, and that I don't know what the best things are for him oft times. I fear that Addie holds EVERYTHING in, and will not open up to me. I fear that I won't be able to afford anything for Addie's birthday coming up, or that I won't be able to go watch her perform at the Stadium of Fire in July. I fear for the trials and challenges that they will be facing in their lives on top of all of the traumatic events that they have already witnessed and faced in the past few years. My fear even over takes my thoughts when I sleep. I have had a reoccurring nightmare the past while about you. You trying to take my kids away from me, and then trying to kill me. Terrible, I know, but it is something that has been happening. I will wake up soaked in sweat and even woke myself up to my own screaming scaring Addie to death.
J, it has now been nearly 8 weeks since you disappeared from your mom's and not one sign of you. I am continually thinking about where you could be, what could be happening to you, scared that you may be dead somewhere and nobody would know. I think back to that night you called me saying crazy things and me not knowing where you were or what was happening. That is extremely terrifying. The kids and I had just finished saying family prayer when my phone rang. I saw that it was a number that I didn't recognize so I ignored it. Then there was a voice mail. It was you telling me that people were after you. That you needed me. I quickly called the number back and a lady answers. I told her I had just got a call from my husband from that phone number. She told me she didn't know you but that you just showed up at her door asking to use a phone. She said you were upset and that some people were wanting to kill you. She said she talked you into having her ex-husband give you a ride somewhere. She then started saying that she used to be a drug addict, but that she was clean and that it was the worst nightmare she ever faced. I thought that was very odd, since she told me she had no idea who you were and I didn't mention anything to her about your addiction to drugs. Then I just told myself that if she was a recovering drug addict, maybe she could just tell you were into drugs as well. I asked her if there was anyway I could get a hold of you. She gave me her ex-husband's phone number. I called it and asked for you. You got on the phone. I asked what in the world was going on. You replied, "All of these guys are after me. They are honestly going to kill me Ann!" I asked, "What did you do to make them want to do something like that?" You said, "They thought I did something that I didn't do and it all got blown out of proportion. They're after me Ann. I'm going to die." I started to panic. Here is the naive mind of mine at work yet again. Although I had learned far more than I had ever wanted to about the drug world, I still was in the dark about so much. I asked where you were getting a ride to. You said, "They're bringing me to your house. They are going to kill me Ann, they have machetes and guns. I don't know if these guys I'm with are bad too. What if they kill me and leave me somewhere?" I responded, "J you can't come to my parents house! I don't want anyone to know where we live!!! Are the kids and I in danger too?" You said, "Yes. I don't know what to do. They are going to kill me Ann." You just kept saying that over and over. I told you there was no way you could come to our house. I asked if I could come get you somewhere else (which was REALLY stupid of me), you told me to go to the Texaco. There is a Texaco station about a mile from my parent's house so I just assumed that was where you meant. I went there. There was no sign of you whatsoever. I waited for a bit. Still no sign. My phone rings, it is your girlfriend. "Is this Andrea?", she asks me. I told her yes it was me. She says, "Does Kevin have any history of mental illness?" I told her not that I knew of. She then went on to tell me that she had worked in a care center and had been around a lot of people with mental illness and that you were showing signs of it. I was thinking the whole time she was talking to me, A-What in the world are you doing calling me and asking all of this about my husband (you didn't live with us, but this was before we were divorced)? B- I woke up and was realizing that you were hallucinating or something. So I was thinking, "Um this is not mental illness, it's called drug abuse." And C- How do you know my name and where did you get my phone number? She then went on to say that she was going to take you to the hospital. Um, ok you do that, I was thinking. I went home and my phone rang again. I answered and it was the guy that was giving you a ride. He told me that there were not people after you, and that you were just high as a kite. He told me you needed some major help and that if you didn't get it soon, you were a "goner". Once again, I felt like I was in the twilight zone. "Did all of that really just happen?", I kept thinking. I didn't hear from you again for a month or so after that night. The roller coaster continued. That was in July of last year. Thinking about that and how out of it you were scares me. Where are you J? Are you ok? Or are you just, in your mind, living it up with your girlfriend somewhere? I don't know what to think. The fact that you are a very wanted man right now and that you still haven't been arrested is very unsettling. Will you ever wake up and realize what you are doing? I used to think you would, but now I am to the point of feeling no hope in that. Don't you miss your kids? Do you even realize that in just four weeks it will be one whole year since you have even seen them? Do you even care? Are you even capable to have feelings like that anymore? These things are what I have been occupying my thoughts with, and I have been to a point where I am so fearful, I literally just cry and want to hide. Tonight, those feelings started up again. I immediately fell to my knees and started pleading with my Heavenly Father to please help me. To please make these thoughts and feelings go away. The phrase immediately popped into my mind, "Fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." President Thomas S. Monson. That was it! I need to "fear not". Fear is a thought that only comes from Satan. I have been letting him do a great job of using the tool of fear to try and take me down. Oh how grateful I am for the tender mercies that pop in right when they're needed from the Lord. I need not fear. The Lord knows exactly what I need. He knows exactly what I need to do to be happy, to be cheerful, and to be the mother I need to and can be for Addie and Koleman. The thing is, I know what I need to do as well. I know what I need. I know that living in fear, dwelling on the negative, and thinking continually of what MIGHT happen, is not going to be the vehicle to my success or happiness. Trials will come, fear will still pop in, and challenges still lie ahead, but if I am as faithful as I can be and do all that I can to be close to my Heavenly Father, I have no need to fear. It is in His hands. I know He has a plan for me, for our kids, and even for you. I need to trust in Him. I need to stop letting this fear overcome me to the point that I am on edge and always anxious. "Fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks." Doctrine and Covenants 98:1 I need to be grateful, and "give thanks" for all that I have. I need not live in fear! Heavenly Father is with me. He knows me He loves me. He will never leave. He loves all of us. Every single one.
It has been a couple of weeks now that I have been done with school for the summer. It is definitely nice to get some things done that I haven't been able to, but it has also been really hard. I need my mind busy with different things during the day. I've been really cleaning out the downstairs where we live at my mom and dad's so that it isn't so cluttered with our stuff. It is almost impossible for it not to be cluttered considering all three of us share a room and there isn't much space to put everything. I am not complaining by ANY means! I am SO grateful that my parents are so generous and self-less in providing a home to live in while I am finishing school. If I didn't have them, I honestly don't know where the kids and I would be. It actually just gave me anxiety thinking about that. How blessed I am to have them!!! Anyway, I have been really struggling (not surprising I'm sure because I say that a LOT), especially the past couple of weeks. I have too much time now to think while I do mindless things like cleaning. I think about a lot of things. I then begin to over think a lot of things to the point that I have been having panic attacks on a regular basis the last couple of weeks. I get these overwhelming scared feelings where I am literally in fear. I'm in fear of so many things. I fear not being able to provide adequately enough for myself and our kids. I fear the possibility of not being able to get a job after I graduate. I fear that the kids are growing up so fast and that in only 6 short years, Addie will most likely be leaving me to go to college or on a mission, and then right after Koley may follow. I fear being alone forever. I fear when I feel alone. I fear that I am not able to help Koley like I should be, and that I don't know what the best things are for him oft times. I fear that Addie holds EVERYTHING in, and will not open up to me. I fear that I won't be able to afford anything for Addie's birthday coming up, or that I won't be able to go watch her perform at the Stadium of Fire in July. I fear for the trials and challenges that they will be facing in their lives on top of all of the traumatic events that they have already witnessed and faced in the past few years. My fear even over takes my thoughts when I sleep. I have had a reoccurring nightmare the past while about you. You trying to take my kids away from me, and then trying to kill me. Terrible, I know, but it is something that has been happening. I will wake up soaked in sweat and even woke myself up to my own screaming scaring Addie to death.J, it has now been nearly 8 weeks since you disappeared from your mom's and not one sign of you. I am continually thinking about where you could be, what could be happening to you, scared that you may be dead somewhere and nobody would know. I think back to that night you called me saying crazy things and me not knowing where you were or what was happening. That is extremely terrifying. The kids and I had just finished saying family prayer when my phone rang. I saw that it was a number that I didn't recognize so I ignored it. Then there was a voice mail. It was you telling me that people were after you. That you needed me. I quickly called the number back and a lady answers. I told her I had just got a call from my husband from that phone number. She told me she didn't know you but that you just showed up at her door asking to use a phone. She said you were upset and that some people were wanting to kill you. She said she talked you into having her ex-husband give you a ride somewhere. She then started saying that she used to be a drug addict, but that she was clean and that it was the worst nightmare she ever faced. I thought that was very odd, since she told me she had no idea who you were and I didn't mention anything to her about your addiction to drugs. Then I just told myself that if she was a recovering drug addict, maybe she could just tell you were into drugs as well. I asked her if there was anyway I could get a hold of you. She gave me her ex-husband's phone number. I called it and asked for you. You got on the phone. I asked what in the world was going on. You replied, "All of these guys are after me. They are honestly going to kill me Ann!" I asked, "What did you do to make them want to do something like that?" You said, "They thought I did something that I didn't do and it all got blown out of proportion. They're after me Ann. I'm going to die." I started to panic. Here is the naive mind of mine at work yet again. Although I had learned far more than I had ever wanted to about the drug world, I still was in the dark about so much. I asked where you were getting a ride to. You said, "They're bringing me to your house. They are going to kill me Ann, they have machetes and guns. I don't know if these guys I'm with are bad too. What if they kill me and leave me somewhere?" I responded, "J you can't come to my parents house! I don't want anyone to know where we live!!! Are the kids and I in danger too?" You said, "Yes. I don't know what to do. They are going to kill me Ann." You just kept saying that over and over. I told you there was no way you could come to our house. I asked if I could come get you somewhere else (which was REALLY stupid of me), you told me to go to the Texaco. There is a Texaco station about a mile from my parent's house so I just assumed that was where you meant. I went there. There was no sign of you whatsoever. I waited for a bit. Still no sign. My phone rings, it is your girlfriend. "Is this Andrea?", she asks me. I told her yes it was me. She says, "Does Kevin have any history of mental illness?" I told her not that I knew of. She then went on to tell me that she had worked in a care center and had been around a lot of people with mental illness and that you were showing signs of it. I was thinking the whole time she was talking to me, A-What in the world are you doing calling me and asking all of this about my husband (you didn't live with us, but this was before we were divorced)? B- I woke up and was realizing that you were hallucinating or something. So I was thinking, "Um this is not mental illness, it's called drug abuse." And C- How do you know my name and where did you get my phone number? She then went on to say that she was going to take you to the hospital. Um, ok you do that, I was thinking. I went home and my phone rang again. I answered and it was the guy that was giving you a ride. He told me that there were not people after you, and that you were just high as a kite. He told me you needed some major help and that if you didn't get it soon, you were a "goner". Once again, I felt like I was in the twilight zone. "Did all of that really just happen?", I kept thinking. I didn't hear from you again for a month or so after that night. The roller coaster continued. That was in July of last year. Thinking about that and how out of it you were scares me. Where are you J? Are you ok? Or are you just, in your mind, living it up with your girlfriend somewhere? I don't know what to think. The fact that you are a very wanted man right now and that you still haven't been arrested is very unsettling. Will you ever wake up and realize what you are doing? I used to think you would, but now I am to the point of feeling no hope in that. Don't you miss your kids? Do you even realize that in just four weeks it will be one whole year since you have even seen them? Do you even care? Are you even capable to have feelings like that anymore? These things are what I have been occupying my thoughts with, and I have been to a point where I am so fearful, I literally just cry and want to hide. Tonight, those feelings started up again. I immediately fell to my knees and started pleading with my Heavenly Father to please help me. To please make these thoughts and feelings go away. The phrase immediately popped into my mind, "Fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith." President Thomas S. Monson. That was it! I need to "fear not". Fear is a thought that only comes from Satan. I have been letting him do a great job of using the tool of fear to try and take me down. Oh how grateful I am for the tender mercies that pop in right when they're needed from the Lord. I need not fear. The Lord knows exactly what I need. He knows exactly what I need to do to be happy, to be cheerful, and to be the mother I need to and can be for Addie and Koleman. The thing is, I know what I need to do as well. I know what I need. I know that living in fear, dwelling on the negative, and thinking continually of what MIGHT happen, is not going to be the vehicle to my success or happiness. Trials will come, fear will still pop in, and challenges still lie ahead, but if I am as faithful as I can be and do all that I can to be close to my Heavenly Father, I have no need to fear. It is in His hands. I know He has a plan for me, for our kids, and even for you. I need to trust in Him. I need to stop letting this fear overcome me to the point that I am on edge and always anxious. "Fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks." Doctrine and Covenants 98:1 I need to be grateful, and "give thanks" for all that I have. I need not live in fear! Heavenly Father is with me. He knows me He loves me. He will never leave. He loves all of us. Every single one.
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