Heart Broken but Hopeful.

 For a while I would check Washington county bookings every day sometimes two or three times a day. I hadn't checked for a while. Last night I felt almost prompted to look. I pulled up the bookings for the prior five days. I start scrolling down. There I see the girl J is always with. She's charged with a five hundred dollar warrant, paraphernalia possesion, and theft. Wow. I looked for J to be there too. Didn't see him. My mom needed me to follow her out to the airport to drop my dad's truck off for him because he was flying in late from a business trip. On my way there, I called J's sweet mom to tell her I saw this girl on there. She wanted to look it up and see. I stayed on the phone with her and told her how to get there. All of a sudden she says, "there's J!!" How in the world did I miss him???? My phone doesn't have the greatest service so I couldn't get the internet to come up. When I got home, I looked it up and there he was. Arrested the same time by the same police officer as her and also charged with paraphernalia possession and theft. However, he also has a 5000 dollar cash only warrant. Once again my emotions were all over. Mostly after I saw it I felt angry and hurt. He told me he only wanted to get help and be a family again. That he couldn't imagine his life without me. He told me he was coming to see me or at least call me Thursday night. I never heard a word. Now I know why. He was with this girl. Again, horrible, yucky thoughts came flooding in my mind. Why am I so worthless? Did he ever really love me or was he just desperate? What is it about me? What could I have done to prevent him from wanting to turn to drugs? Satan is good if you let him be. I couldn't sleep all night. I couldn't get his mugshot image out of my mind. I wouldn't allow my mind to relax. Finally I grabbed my phone and started listening to the recent conference talks. Elder Holland talked about many of the challenges we face in life with all the mental illnesses that are so prevalent; biopolar, schizophrenia, depression. He really touched my heart (as always) when he said, "In striving for some peace and understanding in these difficult matters, it is crucial to remember that we are living—and chose to live—in a fallen world where for divine purposes our pursuit of godliness will be tested and tried again and again. Of greatest assurance in God’s plan is that a Savior was promised, a Redeemer, who through our faith in Him would lift us triumphantly over those tests and trials, even though the cost to do so would be unfathomable for both the Father who sent Him and the Son who came. It is only an appreciation of this divine love that will make our own lesser suffering first bearable, then understandable, and finally redemptive." We have a Savior that knows. He knows because not only does He see what we go through, He has FELT it! He knows EXACTLY how we feel. I don't know how anyone makes it through life without the knowledge of knowing that we have a loving Father in Heaven and Older Brother who are all knowing and love us more than we can possibly even fathom. Who aren't EVER going to leave us or turn Their backs on us. Ever. 

 Today as I woke up, my feelings have gone from anger and hurt, to broken hearted as I have an image of J sitting in jail. He doesn't have a way to numb his pain. He doesn't get to be with Addie and Koleman. He doesn't have someone there to comfort him and remind him that so many people love him and know who he really is. I can only pray with all my heart that he is now turning to The Lord. That he is praying as well for comfort. He truly is an extraordinary person, who has made some very heart breaking choices. I will always love him for not only giving his love and patience, but for giving me the two most AMAZING PRECIOUS gifts that I could ever receive. My heart breaks that he has these two amazing blessings and because of the path he's taken he can't be with them right now. I can't think of anything worse. I know that he will have a lot to overcome and work on. A LOT. But I'm hoping and praying this can be a turning point for him. I'm not counting on it by any means, but it doesn't hurt to pray for it. Not one bit.