SO much to lose......
Dear J,
I've been doing pretty well the past little while, not having as many anxiety attacks, not having as many overwhelming feelings of fear and loneliness take over. I have been trying to just focus on positive things and not feel so sorry for myself (I do tend to do that way too often). I was doing really well... until Thursday night last week. It was Addie's yearly dance review Saturday night. The coolest thing ever is that Koley agreed to escort her in place of you. It broke my heart that she didn't have her dad like the other girls, but I was also excited to watch my two babies. I was doing great with it. If you remember every year the song you and Addie have danced to for the daddy daughter dance was "Butterfly Kisses". Well this year Addie's dance coach changed it. She emailed the layout of the program to us and I saw that the song for the daddy daughter dance was "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw. Do you remember that was your song for Addie? I even made you a DVD slide show with pictures of her and that song playing in the background. When I saw that was the song, I teared up a bit, but I was ok. Thursday night Addie told Koley she wanted to practice dancing with him. She asked me if the song was the same one as every year and I told her that it wasn't. She wanted to listen to it so she found it and started playing it. I was SOBBING through it. I told her that it was exactly how you felt about her. I told her you loved her so much. I told her how protective you were of her even when she was in Sunbeams and boys would talk to her, you'd get funny about it!!! She laughed at that, but showed absolutely NO emotion otherwise. I asked her if she knew that you loved her. She looked down at the ground and just shook her head yes. No emotion. I asked her if she was ok as she listened to the words of the song. She said almost with too much happiness, "I'm great!" She's not great J. She is hurting. She is burying all of her emotions. I almost feel like she is trying to forget you, just so it is not so painful.
Saturday came. She was so excited all day. As I was getting her ready she was so happy. After I got Koley ready with his dress clothes and cute little bow tie, he walked into where Addie was and she beamed! It was the cutest thing ever to see her reaction to him. They looked so BEAUTIFUL and handsome! We got there early. Addie was the most relaxed I have seen her in a couple of years before her review. It dawned on me, she wasn't wondering where you were or if you were going to show up on time. Then I started thinking back to the past two years. Two years ago, you were late. Addie was in tears. I called you and you said with a very irritated voice, "I'm almost there!" You ran in, your hair long and messy, your shirt wrinkled, and your face scruffy and not clean shaven. At that point I was just grateful you made it before time for her to walk out, and I knew Addie didn't care how you looked. You drove your mom there in her car. She was very upset at you. She didn't say anything to me, but I could tell by the tone in her voice when she apologized for not being there when you were supposed to be. After you danced with her, you came and sat down the row from where I was sitting. I would glance at you throughout, especially when Addie was dancing to see if you were watching. you were watching here and there, but were mostly looking at your phone. When she danced, you weren't beaming like you usually did when you watched her. After her review I didn't even really see you say anything to her. Apparently you did tell her good job and told her good-bye, but you were out of there faster than fast. Later, I found out on your way home you stopped at some apartment in the middle of town. You told your mom you had to run in and check on your friend's apartment because he was still working in North Dakota and he had a neighbor that always tried to break in because she was crazy. Your mom waited in the car for a VERY long time. Come to find out, you were texting the first girl I knew you cheated on me with throughout Addie's review. You even sent her pictures of MY daughter!! The apartment you went to "check on" was also the apartment she came to stay with you at while you were home.
Then I thought about last year. I didn't know where you were all day Saturday. You said you had a lot of "work" things you needed to do. A lot of "appointments". I tried calling you and texting you all day that day to make sure you remembered when you needed to be there to start lining up with Addie. You did answer your phone once and reassured me you would be there when you were supposed to be. It was time for you to be there and, not surprisingly, you weren't. I texted you. You said you were almost there. Then you asked me the weirdest thing. We had nearly nothing as far as money went and you asked if I had twenty dollars. I asked you why. You said that you needed to pay back one of your clients for something. I, stupidly, told you that I did and you asked if you could use it and you would get it right back to me. I had heard that before, but I was so worried about Addie and you being there, I said yes just to not make waves before her review. I told you to please hurry. You said that you needed me to hurry and meet you outside because that guy you owed the money to was waiting out there for it. WHAT?! He came to your daughter's review because he couldn't wait another couple of hours for 20 dollars?! I was so angry. I ran out there as fast as I could just so you would hurry and get in there which should have been your priority, not giving some guy (that looked extremely scary) twenty dollars. Again, you looked sloppy, like you didn't even care. "Poor Addie", I thought. While you were dancing with her, you seemed like you were preoccupied with other things on your mind, you almost seemed out of it to me. After you danced, you came and this time you sat right next to me. You smelled like smoke (again). Throughout the review you could barely keep your eyes open. When I would look at you they were barely open and had a glazed look. You showed no emotion when Addie danced. Again, you left as fast as you could right after it was over. I asked you before you left if you were coming to get ice cream with us. You told me you couldn't because you still had one appointment left. I asked, "On a Saturday night at 9:00?" You got upset and told me not to start this again. You told me you had to go. You didn't get home until 3:00 that morning.
As I sat there watching my two precious angels dance the tears did flow. I thought it would be impossible for me to keep my composure when they danced, especially because of the song, I did shed some tears, but they weren't sad tears, they were tears of joy. I sat there watching Koley take the role so seriously, and our beautiful Addie, and knew I was the most blessed person on the planet. Then I did start to feel a little sad. Not for me, not for Addie or Koleman, but for you. Again, I was thinking of all you have given up. Wow. SO much you have lost. At this point it seems as if you don't even care. Wherever you are, whoever you're with, and whatever you are doing, that is all you care about right now. You love your kids, I know that, but you don't care enough about them to even try to change. I am so sorry. I've said it before, but you wouldn't even recognize Addie now. She has grown up SO much in this last year. Do you even realize you haven't seen them in 11 months? You haven't really even been a huge part of their lives for a long time before that. You have had other priorities. I just wish so badly they were enough. Enough for you to even have the desire to change. I wish so badly you could really see all that you have lost solely in your kids alone. They bring pure joy. They are so strong. They are so brave. They are such valiant little spirits that were sent here at this time for a very special reason. They are my world. I wish they were yours too. I couldn't go a day without talking to them. They are everything that is good in my life. You just walked away. You blame me. You blame your addiction. You blame God. You blame anyone you can. But YOU are the one that left. You left a long time ago. YOU are the only one who can overcome your demons. YOU are the only one who can make it possible to be a part of their lives again. YOU are the one that walked away. You lost the greatest joy, the greatest treasure, the greatest blessings that can ever be. That is SO much to lose. SO much.
I've been doing pretty well the past little while, not having as many anxiety attacks, not having as many overwhelming feelings of fear and loneliness take over. I have been trying to just focus on positive things and not feel so sorry for myself (I do tend to do that way too often). I was doing really well... until Thursday night last week. It was Addie's yearly dance review Saturday night. The coolest thing ever is that Koley agreed to escort her in place of you. It broke my heart that she didn't have her dad like the other girls, but I was also excited to watch my two babies. I was doing great with it. If you remember every year the song you and Addie have danced to for the daddy daughter dance was "Butterfly Kisses". Well this year Addie's dance coach changed it. She emailed the layout of the program to us and I saw that the song for the daddy daughter dance was "My Little Girl" by Tim McGraw. Do you remember that was your song for Addie? I even made you a DVD slide show with pictures of her and that song playing in the background. When I saw that was the song, I teared up a bit, but I was ok. Thursday night Addie told Koley she wanted to practice dancing with him. She asked me if the song was the same one as every year and I told her that it wasn't. She wanted to listen to it so she found it and started playing it. I was SOBBING through it. I told her that it was exactly how you felt about her. I told her you loved her so much. I told her how protective you were of her even when she was in Sunbeams and boys would talk to her, you'd get funny about it!!! She laughed at that, but showed absolutely NO emotion otherwise. I asked her if she knew that you loved her. She looked down at the ground and just shook her head yes. No emotion. I asked her if she was ok as she listened to the words of the song. She said almost with too much happiness, "I'm great!" She's not great J. She is hurting. She is burying all of her emotions. I almost feel like she is trying to forget you, just so it is not so painful.
Saturday came. She was so excited all day. As I was getting her ready she was so happy. After I got Koley ready with his dress clothes and cute little bow tie, he walked into where Addie was and she beamed! It was the cutest thing ever to see her reaction to him. They looked so BEAUTIFUL and handsome! We got there early. Addie was the most relaxed I have seen her in a couple of years before her review. It dawned on me, she wasn't wondering where you were or if you were going to show up on time. Then I started thinking back to the past two years. Two years ago, you were late. Addie was in tears. I called you and you said with a very irritated voice, "I'm almost there!" You ran in, your hair long and messy, your shirt wrinkled, and your face scruffy and not clean shaven. At that point I was just grateful you made it before time for her to walk out, and I knew Addie didn't care how you looked. You drove your mom there in her car. She was very upset at you. She didn't say anything to me, but I could tell by the tone in her voice when she apologized for not being there when you were supposed to be. After you danced with her, you came and sat down the row from where I was sitting. I would glance at you throughout, especially when Addie was dancing to see if you were watching. you were watching here and there, but were mostly looking at your phone. When she danced, you weren't beaming like you usually did when you watched her. After her review I didn't even really see you say anything to her. Apparently you did tell her good job and told her good-bye, but you were out of there faster than fast. Later, I found out on your way home you stopped at some apartment in the middle of town. You told your mom you had to run in and check on your friend's apartment because he was still working in North Dakota and he had a neighbor that always tried to break in because she was crazy. Your mom waited in the car for a VERY long time. Come to find out, you were texting the first girl I knew you cheated on me with throughout Addie's review. You even sent her pictures of MY daughter!! The apartment you went to "check on" was also the apartment she came to stay with you at while you were home.
Then I thought about last year. I didn't know where you were all day Saturday. You said you had a lot of "work" things you needed to do. A lot of "appointments". I tried calling you and texting you all day that day to make sure you remembered when you needed to be there to start lining up with Addie. You did answer your phone once and reassured me you would be there when you were supposed to be. It was time for you to be there and, not surprisingly, you weren't. I texted you. You said you were almost there. Then you asked me the weirdest thing. We had nearly nothing as far as money went and you asked if I had twenty dollars. I asked you why. You said that you needed to pay back one of your clients for something. I, stupidly, told you that I did and you asked if you could use it and you would get it right back to me. I had heard that before, but I was so worried about Addie and you being there, I said yes just to not make waves before her review. I told you to please hurry. You said that you needed me to hurry and meet you outside because that guy you owed the money to was waiting out there for it. WHAT?! He came to your daughter's review because he couldn't wait another couple of hours for 20 dollars?! I was so angry. I ran out there as fast as I could just so you would hurry and get in there which should have been your priority, not giving some guy (that looked extremely scary) twenty dollars. Again, you looked sloppy, like you didn't even care. "Poor Addie", I thought. While you were dancing with her, you seemed like you were preoccupied with other things on your mind, you almost seemed out of it to me. After you danced, you came and this time you sat right next to me. You smelled like smoke (again). Throughout the review you could barely keep your eyes open. When I would look at you they were barely open and had a glazed look. You showed no emotion when Addie danced. Again, you left as fast as you could right after it was over. I asked you before you left if you were coming to get ice cream with us. You told me you couldn't because you still had one appointment left. I asked, "On a Saturday night at 9:00?" You got upset and told me not to start this again. You told me you had to go. You didn't get home until 3:00 that morning.
As I sat there watching my two precious angels dance the tears did flow. I thought it would be impossible for me to keep my composure when they danced, especially because of the song, I did shed some tears, but they weren't sad tears, they were tears of joy. I sat there watching Koley take the role so seriously, and our beautiful Addie, and knew I was the most blessed person on the planet. Then I did start to feel a little sad. Not for me, not for Addie or Koleman, but for you. Again, I was thinking of all you have given up. Wow. SO much you have lost. At this point it seems as if you don't even care. Wherever you are, whoever you're with, and whatever you are doing, that is all you care about right now. You love your kids, I know that, but you don't care enough about them to even try to change. I am so sorry. I've said it before, but you wouldn't even recognize Addie now. She has grown up SO much in this last year. Do you even realize you haven't seen them in 11 months? You haven't really even been a huge part of their lives for a long time before that. You have had other priorities. I just wish so badly they were enough. Enough for you to even have the desire to change. I wish so badly you could really see all that you have lost solely in your kids alone. They bring pure joy. They are so strong. They are so brave. They are such valiant little spirits that were sent here at this time for a very special reason. They are my world. I wish they were yours too. I couldn't go a day without talking to them. They are everything that is good in my life. You just walked away. You blame me. You blame your addiction. You blame God. You blame anyone you can. But YOU are the one that left. You left a long time ago. YOU are the only one who can overcome your demons. YOU are the only one who can make it possible to be a part of their lives again. YOU are the one that walked away. You lost the greatest joy, the greatest treasure, the greatest blessings that can ever be. That is SO much to lose. SO much.
Reading this broke my heart :( But it is great to see your son step up to be a man in Kevin's absence. All of us addicts have so much to lose, and some of us have already lost so much--even if it's just years of wasted time. Reading your posts gives me an extra boost to redirect my focus on what matters most. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteAndrea I found your blog through my husband. (He reads it faithfully!) I'm so sorry for your pain and what you have been through. I am part of a group of women. we have a private group on Facebook, as well as local chapters in some areas, that I think you would really relate with. We are all affected by infedility. Email me and we can add you to our group. I would love to connect and be a further support to you. My email is chainsoflight@gmail.com. I write www.chainsoflight.blogspot.com.
ReplyDeleteI forgot to pot the link to the organization! Its www.togetherness project.com
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