Thank You J.
Dear J,
Wherever you may be, I hope that you know that I will forever love you. I will love you for giving me the most precious gift of being a mother. I will love you for being the father you were to Addie and Koley the many years you were in their lives. You were hands down, the best dad. Your kids adored you. You were their hero. There was nobody they would rather have played with than their dad. I remember when I was in the living room one day, Addie was in her room playing, and I was getting Koley down for a nap. You were working a graveyard shift and so you were trying to sleep as well. At least I thought you were asleep. I all of a sudden heard the cutest little giggle from Addie. Then I listened as you were playing Barbies with her. I swear I had never heard her laugh so hard! I laid Koley down and then just stood outside her bedroom door listening with so much love in my heart for you. I honestly remember thinking how blessed I was to have found the best. The best husband, the best dad, the best man ever! There were many similar experiences I had where I would hear you playing with the kids, or talking to them about such tender things. You were the best dad.
When I woke up this morning, I found Addie out on the couch looking at her phone. I noticed she was on Instagram. Sure enough, every single post she was looking at were of her friends and people she knows posting pictures of their father's (as they most certainly should) wishing them a happy Father's Day, and talking about how their dad was the best for various reasons. I watched her face as she was scrolling through. No emotion. No smile. No frown. No tears. She just looked a bit stone faced almost a little angry. I got my own phone and looked at her account to see what she was looking at. There was a picture of my dad and my brother that she had posted that said "Happy Father's Day" underneath. She went on to say how much she loved them and how she couldn't function without them in her life. I am beyond grateful for the two of them and the role they play in our children's lives. They have been right there to offer Priesthood blessings, to take the kids to daddy/daughter stuff, dad's and donuts at school, supporting them in their accomplishments. They have been right there whenever we needed a father figure to step in. Although I can't express the gratitude I have for that, I couldn't help thinking that the picture should have been you. You were your baby girl's hero, her best buddy. She was your biggest fan.
This past Wednesday Addie wanted to go to Young Women with me. We had a car wash for the fathers in the ward for fathers day. She seemed excited to go. When we got there she was fine. As the men in our ward started pulling up in their cars, she became a little more withdrawn. I was busy helping wash the cars, so I didn't even notice that she was over sitting on a rock by herself. I went over and asked her if she was ok. She told me she wanted to go home. I asked her what happened. She said she was just tired. I knew that wasn't what it was. Addie loves stuff like this. She usually just joins in and has a great time no matter where she is or what she's doing. It dawned on me that she may have been struggling with the fact that we were doing this for fathers day. I tried to get her to talk to me. It never happened. She stuck to her story of just being tired.
I know Father's Day is going to be a very sore spot for a while and I didn't want to make it worse by going to church and listening to the primary children sing to all of their dads and hearing all of the talks about fathers. I was happy when I found out that we were actually going to have stake conference today. Even still, I didn't want to take any chances. So I decided instead of taking the kids to church, I would take them to the temple. I didn't know what the talks would be about. It's too much right now for us. I didn't want to put Addie and Koley through anymore pain. It actually was such an amazing experience. We took a blanket and our scriptures. We read our scriptures together, sang "I Love to See the Temple", and just sat and looked at the temple for a bit. As the kids laid on the blanket, I just stared at the temple. Twelve years ago today, we were sealed together for time and all eternity. I was so close to having Addie. It was the most amazing experience to kneel across from you as we listened to the sealer give such beautiful advice and then seal us together as a family. Addie was moving and kicking like crazy in my tummy through the whole thing. I KNOW she was celebrating what was happening! The memories were vivid as I sat staring at the majestic, beautiful, edifice in front of me. Tears began falling. Addie asked if I was ok. I told her I was just remembering how beautiful that day was. I could tell she didn't want to hear anymore as she quickly changed the subject.
We decided to go into the visitors center and look around in there. When we went in there were tons of people. I noticed a tour bus parked outside. There were people from what seemed to be France. It was SO humbling and amazing to witness these people being taught by the sweet sister Missionaries. I watched as they looked around, as they listened to the message from the missionaries. It was so awesome to see some of their faces light up. I don't know how they couldn't feel something. Even if they didn't know what it was. I told Addie and Koley what the missionaries were doing, and they were both very intrigued. We went and sat by the statue of Christ. We listened to the recorded message they play. I couldn't stop the tears. They flowed uncontrollably. I watched how intently both of our precious kids were listening. We walked around the temple grounds and as we were heading to the car Addie said, "Mom, I just don't ever want to leave. It is so peaceful and I feel so happy here." I couldn't have agreed with her more. It was such a beautiful day.
When we got home, I went down to our bedroom. I laid down for a bit. I then started remembering last year on Fathers Day. It was only a few weeks after you left for good. I had just heard from you the day before for the first time since you left. The kids and I had put together a little gift for you. Addie kept asking if you were even going to be here for Fathers Day. I didn't know what to tell her, but I just said that I knew you would sure try. So when I miraculously saw you the day prior, I told you that the kids had something for you. I made you promise you would come at some point the next day so they could see you and give you the gift. The day went on. You didn't come. We went over to my sweet friend's house to play games. I just assumed you weren't going to show up and thought it would be a good distraction for the kids. We were there for a while when my phone rang. It was a call from my mom's house. I answered thinking my mom needed something. I was surprised to hear your voice on the other end. You told me you came to see the kids, and asked where we were. It was about 9:30 that night. I told you I didn't think you were going to come so we went to play games at my friend's. You were upset we weren't there and angrily said you would wait for us out in front of my parent's house. The kids were having fun and in all honesty I didn't want to take them. But I did. When we got in the car I told them you were at the house waiting. Koley started screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM!!!" Addie just sat there quietly. I tried consoling Koleman. When we pulled up to the house you were parked outside in some random car I had never seen, nor knew how you got it. You were sitting in the front seat with the car light on, your hat backwards, and wearing a black tight tank top. I looked at Addie. She looked at you as if she was wondering if that was really her dad, and then quickly looked away. I pulled in the garage. I said, "Come on guys let's go tell dad happy fathers day!" I tried to sound as upbeat and happy as I could. Koleman refused to go near you. Addie ran to my side as we got out of the car and clung tightly to my arm. I coaxed Koley out and the best I could get from him was him yelling, "Hi Dad." Then quickly running in and not coming out again. You told us hi. Addie wouldn't say much or go near you. She was stuck at my side. I asked her in a whispered voice if she wanted to go give you a hug and tell you happy fathers day. She hesitated, but then ran over and quickly did just that. She was then right back by my side holding my arm so tight I almost couldn't feel it. You were angry and you didn't try to hide it. I could tell you were angry at me. You told me that it was awkward and it shouldn't be with your own family. I was thinking that it was awkward because of you, because of the darkness that surrounded you. Because of your countenance. Because it wasn't the father and husband we knew and loved anymore. I didn't say that in front of Addie, and also because saying anything like that to you was like beating my head against a wall. You would always turn it around and make me feel as though everything was my fault and I was always in the wrong. I sat down on a step, Addie quickly followed. You sat down in front of us on a rock with your back facing us. I looked over to see tears streaming down Addie's cheeks. Her head held down. I wiped a tear from her cheek. We sat there for what seemed like ages in awkward silence. Then our precious Addie, whom never ceases to amaze me stood up and wrapped her arms around you from behind. You hugged her back tightly for a few minutes. She then started to try and joke around with you just like you always did with her. Our little 11 year old daughter taught me so much once again that night. What a gift she is J. Before she went inside to get ready for bed after we gave you the gift, she said, "Are you coming for my birthday?" You replied, "Of course I am! I wouldn't miss it for the world." She then gave you another hug with a huge smile on her face and went inside. I tried to talk to you. Our conversation was very surface. You only stayed a few minutes, and told me you needed to leave.
Again, I can't stop thinking about all you are giving up. SO MUCH J. Although I have NEVER been hurt so deeply in all my life, especially by a person I love more than anything. Although you just have seemed to so easily walk away from us, and not look back without remorse, I can't help but feel an extreme amount of gratitude for you. "Thank you" will never be enough to show how grateful I am to you for helping provide the gift of our two precious angels. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for the father that you were and who I know you still could be. Thank you for all you did for us. I love you J. Addie loves you. Koleman loves you. The Lord loves you. Wherever you are, I hope somehow, someway, you can feel even a little bit of the love and appreciation we all have for you.
Love Always, Andrea
Wherever you may be, I hope that you know that I will forever love you. I will love you for giving me the most precious gift of being a mother. I will love you for being the father you were to Addie and Koley the many years you were in their lives. You were hands down, the best dad. Your kids adored you. You were their hero. There was nobody they would rather have played with than their dad. I remember when I was in the living room one day, Addie was in her room playing, and I was getting Koley down for a nap. You were working a graveyard shift and so you were trying to sleep as well. At least I thought you were asleep. I all of a sudden heard the cutest little giggle from Addie. Then I listened as you were playing Barbies with her. I swear I had never heard her laugh so hard! I laid Koley down and then just stood outside her bedroom door listening with so much love in my heart for you. I honestly remember thinking how blessed I was to have found the best. The best husband, the best dad, the best man ever! There were many similar experiences I had where I would hear you playing with the kids, or talking to them about such tender things. You were the best dad.
When I woke up this morning, I found Addie out on the couch looking at her phone. I noticed she was on Instagram. Sure enough, every single post she was looking at were of her friends and people she knows posting pictures of their father's (as they most certainly should) wishing them a happy Father's Day, and talking about how their dad was the best for various reasons. I watched her face as she was scrolling through. No emotion. No smile. No frown. No tears. She just looked a bit stone faced almost a little angry. I got my own phone and looked at her account to see what she was looking at. There was a picture of my dad and my brother that she had posted that said "Happy Father's Day" underneath. She went on to say how much she loved them and how she couldn't function without them in her life. I am beyond grateful for the two of them and the role they play in our children's lives. They have been right there to offer Priesthood blessings, to take the kids to daddy/daughter stuff, dad's and donuts at school, supporting them in their accomplishments. They have been right there whenever we needed a father figure to step in. Although I can't express the gratitude I have for that, I couldn't help thinking that the picture should have been you. You were your baby girl's hero, her best buddy. She was your biggest fan.
This past Wednesday Addie wanted to go to Young Women with me. We had a car wash for the fathers in the ward for fathers day. She seemed excited to go. When we got there she was fine. As the men in our ward started pulling up in their cars, she became a little more withdrawn. I was busy helping wash the cars, so I didn't even notice that she was over sitting on a rock by herself. I went over and asked her if she was ok. She told me she wanted to go home. I asked her what happened. She said she was just tired. I knew that wasn't what it was. Addie loves stuff like this. She usually just joins in and has a great time no matter where she is or what she's doing. It dawned on me that she may have been struggling with the fact that we were doing this for fathers day. I tried to get her to talk to me. It never happened. She stuck to her story of just being tired.
I know Father's Day is going to be a very sore spot for a while and I didn't want to make it worse by going to church and listening to the primary children sing to all of their dads and hearing all of the talks about fathers. I was happy when I found out that we were actually going to have stake conference today. Even still, I didn't want to take any chances. So I decided instead of taking the kids to church, I would take them to the temple. I didn't know what the talks would be about. It's too much right now for us. I didn't want to put Addie and Koley through anymore pain. It actually was such an amazing experience. We took a blanket and our scriptures. We read our scriptures together, sang "I Love to See the Temple", and just sat and looked at the temple for a bit. As the kids laid on the blanket, I just stared at the temple. Twelve years ago today, we were sealed together for time and all eternity. I was so close to having Addie. It was the most amazing experience to kneel across from you as we listened to the sealer give such beautiful advice and then seal us together as a family. Addie was moving and kicking like crazy in my tummy through the whole thing. I KNOW she was celebrating what was happening! The memories were vivid as I sat staring at the majestic, beautiful, edifice in front of me. Tears began falling. Addie asked if I was ok. I told her I was just remembering how beautiful that day was. I could tell she didn't want to hear anymore as she quickly changed the subject.
We decided to go into the visitors center and look around in there. When we went in there were tons of people. I noticed a tour bus parked outside. There were people from what seemed to be France. It was SO humbling and amazing to witness these people being taught by the sweet sister Missionaries. I watched as they looked around, as they listened to the message from the missionaries. It was so awesome to see some of their faces light up. I don't know how they couldn't feel something. Even if they didn't know what it was. I told Addie and Koley what the missionaries were doing, and they were both very intrigued. We went and sat by the statue of Christ. We listened to the recorded message they play. I couldn't stop the tears. They flowed uncontrollably. I watched how intently both of our precious kids were listening. We walked around the temple grounds and as we were heading to the car Addie said, "Mom, I just don't ever want to leave. It is so peaceful and I feel so happy here." I couldn't have agreed with her more. It was such a beautiful day.
When we got home, I went down to our bedroom. I laid down for a bit. I then started remembering last year on Fathers Day. It was only a few weeks after you left for good. I had just heard from you the day before for the first time since you left. The kids and I had put together a little gift for you. Addie kept asking if you were even going to be here for Fathers Day. I didn't know what to tell her, but I just said that I knew you would sure try. So when I miraculously saw you the day prior, I told you that the kids had something for you. I made you promise you would come at some point the next day so they could see you and give you the gift. The day went on. You didn't come. We went over to my sweet friend's house to play games. I just assumed you weren't going to show up and thought it would be a good distraction for the kids. We were there for a while when my phone rang. It was a call from my mom's house. I answered thinking my mom needed something. I was surprised to hear your voice on the other end. You told me you came to see the kids, and asked where we were. It was about 9:30 that night. I told you I didn't think you were going to come so we went to play games at my friend's. You were upset we weren't there and angrily said you would wait for us out in front of my parent's house. The kids were having fun and in all honesty I didn't want to take them. But I did. When we got in the car I told them you were at the house waiting. Koley started screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM!!!" Addie just sat there quietly. I tried consoling Koleman. When we pulled up to the house you were parked outside in some random car I had never seen, nor knew how you got it. You were sitting in the front seat with the car light on, your hat backwards, and wearing a black tight tank top. I looked at Addie. She looked at you as if she was wondering if that was really her dad, and then quickly looked away. I pulled in the garage. I said, "Come on guys let's go tell dad happy fathers day!" I tried to sound as upbeat and happy as I could. Koleman refused to go near you. Addie ran to my side as we got out of the car and clung tightly to my arm. I coaxed Koley out and the best I could get from him was him yelling, "Hi Dad." Then quickly running in and not coming out again. You told us hi. Addie wouldn't say much or go near you. She was stuck at my side. I asked her in a whispered voice if she wanted to go give you a hug and tell you happy fathers day. She hesitated, but then ran over and quickly did just that. She was then right back by my side holding my arm so tight I almost couldn't feel it. You were angry and you didn't try to hide it. I could tell you were angry at me. You told me that it was awkward and it shouldn't be with your own family. I was thinking that it was awkward because of you, because of the darkness that surrounded you. Because of your countenance. Because it wasn't the father and husband we knew and loved anymore. I didn't say that in front of Addie, and also because saying anything like that to you was like beating my head against a wall. You would always turn it around and make me feel as though everything was my fault and I was always in the wrong. I sat down on a step, Addie quickly followed. You sat down in front of us on a rock with your back facing us. I looked over to see tears streaming down Addie's cheeks. Her head held down. I wiped a tear from her cheek. We sat there for what seemed like ages in awkward silence. Then our precious Addie, whom never ceases to amaze me stood up and wrapped her arms around you from behind. You hugged her back tightly for a few minutes. She then started to try and joke around with you just like you always did with her. Our little 11 year old daughter taught me so much once again that night. What a gift she is J. Before she went inside to get ready for bed after we gave you the gift, she said, "Are you coming for my birthday?" You replied, "Of course I am! I wouldn't miss it for the world." She then gave you another hug with a huge smile on her face and went inside. I tried to talk to you. Our conversation was very surface. You only stayed a few minutes, and told me you needed to leave.
Again, I can't stop thinking about all you are giving up. SO MUCH J. Although I have NEVER been hurt so deeply in all my life, especially by a person I love more than anything. Although you just have seemed to so easily walk away from us, and not look back without remorse, I can't help but feel an extreme amount of gratitude for you. "Thank you" will never be enough to show how grateful I am to you for helping provide the gift of our two precious angels. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for the father that you were and who I know you still could be. Thank you for all you did for us. I love you J. Addie loves you. Koleman loves you. The Lord loves you. Wherever you are, I hope somehow, someway, you can feel even a little bit of the love and appreciation we all have for you.
Love Always, Andrea
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