"One Being is as Precious in His Sight as the Other."
Dear J,
I have finally decided that I have come to terms with the fact that this whole process of healing and forgiveness is not going to be as fast as I want or as fast as some people have conveyed to me that it should be. I have said it before, I finally think, "Ok I can do this. I am over it. I'm completely happy." Only to have something remind me that I am not over it. I had such a reminder (or more so a slap in the face) just a few days ago. I obviously am not over it for the sole fact that I check this website that allows people to communicate with inmates in different jails on a daily basis to see if I can see anything new with you or if I can find out any information at all about you. So as I got on a few days ago. You posted a picture (yep, they actually allow you to post pictures and status updates just like Facebook). I clicked on it. It's of you holding a rose made out of some kind of paper or something. Then below I see the caption, "For U love" with the girl's name that is blatantly obvious your girlfriend even though you will not admit it, saying that she likes the picture. Once again a slap in the face. Even though I knew she was your girlfriend, to actually see you, yourself validate it calling her "love", it hit me like a ton of bricks. You always told me I was all you ever wanted. I was the only person that was perfect for you. You not only told me, you made it known to everyone. I constantly had people telling me how sweet they thought it was how much you loved me. People telling me they envied our relationship and the love we had for each other. I'm not your love anymore. The hardest part is, I don't understand. Because I don't agree or validate your choices and the way you want to live your life because of the destruction it is to not only you, but our two precious kids, you throws us away and tell me I left you, I wasn't there for you, I don't support you. Oh how badly that hurts. I not only chose to give you chance after chance after all the lies, the infidelity, the danger that easily could have come (but so thankfully didn't) to our kids and I because of your choices and whom you choose to associate with, but I WANTED to support you, to stay with you, to stand by you and do any and everything in my power to keep our family together and work on being together for eternity like we were meant to be. Don't you get it? I WANT to be a family. I want the man I married, that I know I was supposed to be with for eternity. I want our kids to have THEIR dad. Not someone else, not the person that has taken over your body. The dad that cried when our precious Addie was born. The dad that so tenderly and lovingly laid his hands on her little head and gave her a beautiful priesthood blessing when she was deathly sick. The dad that would rock her for hours and not want to put her down when she was sleeping so sweetly. The dad that vowed that she couldn't date until she was forty and if any boy even looked in her direction, he would give the stare down to. The dad that got so tickled by the things Koley would say. The dad that would have to tell everyone how proud he was of him and the progress he continually made. The dad that would take them both on little outings like hiking, fishing, or on walks and give them his time and undivided attention. The dad that wanted to rip anyone up one side and down another if their feelings were ever hurt. The dad that was there when it was time to read scriptures and prayer, and would so sweetly explain the things we read so they could understand. That dad is gone for now. That dad missed the day Grandpa filled in as Koley's dad for "dads and donuts" at school. He missed watching Addie perform at the Stadium of Fire. He missed seeing the growth and progress Koley made this year in school. He missed watching Addie transform from a little girl into a beautiful young women. He missed Koley getting up at his fourth grade talent show telling jokes and watching how every single fourth grader cheered him on and gave him high fives. He missed listening to Addie give her first talk in Sacrament meeting as a young Beehive that she wrote completely on her own and gave as if she had done it a thousand times before. He missed when Koley got an award at school and the whole entire school errupted with cheers. He missed Koley escorting his big sister out on her dance review night and how they danced so sweetly. He misses the happiness, the laughter, the peace, the spirit, the pure joy they bring every single day. THEIR dad would be devastated knowing all that he has missed and will NEVER be able to get back. Who you are now, I truly don't even know. I do know that regardless of who you have evolved into, you love them. I know that. What I don't know anymore is do you even care? Do you even realize all that you have given up? This time will NEVER be able to be given back, and you just keep throwing it away. The day that I saw that picture of you with the rose for your new love, I felt like once again I was punched so hard in the stomach that I could barely breathe. That night I just needed to be with my kids. Koley had fallen asleep, so I left him with my parents at home and Addie and I went on a little ride. She NEVER talks about you. She acts like it's no big deal and that she is just fine. It worries me. There is no way it is no big deal. Your relationship with her was way too strong and precious for it to be no big deal that her dad is no longer in the picture. We talked about a few other things for a while and then I said, "Can I ask you a question?" She told me I could. I told her that she had to promise me that she would answer it with complete honesty, not the way she would think I would want her to answer it. She promised she would. I asked her, "If your dad ever wanted to see you, how would you feel about it?" She immediately said, "I wouldn't want to see him." I asked her why. "It has just been so long since I have seen him, it would be really awkward and weird.", she responded. "I want you to know Addie, I would NEVER keep you from your dad. If you ever wanted to see him, or talk to him on the phone, or even write him a letter, you can and should." She assured me that she knew that she knew it would be ok with me. Then I asked her (for the billionth time), how she felt about how things are with him not around. She said that it isn't really hard at all. She said it just feels like ever having a dad was a dream. I asked her if there are ever times that are hard like father's day, or not having him there for things that are specifically where dad's should be. She sat there for a long time. She didn't say anything. I looked over to see her looking out her window. She had tears streaming down her cheeks. She finally nodded. "I just don't get it. Why? Why doesn't he care? Why did he just leave and not want to see us anymore?" I honestly didn't know what to say. It took all I had to not break down and let the emotions that were swirling inside of me out. I did get a bit teary and just said, "Ads, I don't really understand myself. But I do know one billion percent that he loves you. He loves Koley. That will never change." I reminded her once again, how satan works. How powerful he can be if we allow him to be.
I came home and after she went to bed, I sobbed. I sat in my parent's office looking at a family picture with my whole family that was taken five years ago. You were in it as well. We look so happy. We WERE so happy. I just wanted to rip the picture out of it's frame and tear your face out of it. I wanted so badly to just yell and scream at you and try to get you to wake up and see what you have done, what you have given up. I felt so much anger. I literally could not calm myself down. I pulled out my scriptures and began to read in the Book of Mormon. I just started where I am at in Jacob chapter 2. In verses 9-10 it reads:
"9. Wherefore, it burdeneth my soul that I should be constrained, because of the strict commandment which I have received from God, to admonish you according to your crimes, to enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds.
10. But, notwithstanding the greatness of the task, I must do according to the strict commands of God, and tell you concerning your wickedness and abominations, in the presence of the pure in heart, and the broken heart, and under the glance of the piercing eye of the Almighty God."
That is exactly what our two precious kids have had to endure. They have these sweet, innocent, pure souls that have had to not only hear but witness SO much evil, so much trauma, and so much sadness. They didn't ask for any of this. I went on reading and when I came to verse 21 I read a line that stood out and I know that I was meant to read at that exact moment. I, having so much anger in my heart towards you, and then read, "one being is as precious in his sight as the other." The anger, although still there, began to slowly fade as I thought more and more about that. No matter what our transgressions, no matter what our pain, no matter what our social status, no matter what worldly possessions we have, no matter how beautiful or plain we are, no matter what good we do or don't do, we are ALL still sons and daughters of a loving, just, merciful God. He loves us all the same. He may be mourn some more than others because of choices that are made, but He still loves us all alike. My rage turned more to sadness as I sat there trying to think of you the way Heavenly Father thinks of you. I shed a few more tears. This time tears of sorrow for the path you are on. I don't want this path for you. I don't want what will come if you choose to stay on it. I still love you J. I want you to be happy. I want you to not only be happy now, but I want you to be happy for eternity. How can I get you to see? Will you ever see? Will you ever realize? You can repent. You can be who you were sent here to be. It's not too late, but I don't want it to get to the point where it will be.......
I have finally decided that I have come to terms with the fact that this whole process of healing and forgiveness is not going to be as fast as I want or as fast as some people have conveyed to me that it should be. I have said it before, I finally think, "Ok I can do this. I am over it. I'm completely happy." Only to have something remind me that I am not over it. I had such a reminder (or more so a slap in the face) just a few days ago. I obviously am not over it for the sole fact that I check this website that allows people to communicate with inmates in different jails on a daily basis to see if I can see anything new with you or if I can find out any information at all about you. So as I got on a few days ago. You posted a picture (yep, they actually allow you to post pictures and status updates just like Facebook). I clicked on it. It's of you holding a rose made out of some kind of paper or something. Then below I see the caption, "For U love" with the girl's name that is blatantly obvious your girlfriend even though you will not admit it, saying that she likes the picture. Once again a slap in the face. Even though I knew she was your girlfriend, to actually see you, yourself validate it calling her "love", it hit me like a ton of bricks. You always told me I was all you ever wanted. I was the only person that was perfect for you. You not only told me, you made it known to everyone. I constantly had people telling me how sweet they thought it was how much you loved me. People telling me they envied our relationship and the love we had for each other. I'm not your love anymore. The hardest part is, I don't understand. Because I don't agree or validate your choices and the way you want to live your life because of the destruction it is to not only you, but our two precious kids, you throws us away and tell me I left you, I wasn't there for you, I don't support you. Oh how badly that hurts. I not only chose to give you chance after chance after all the lies, the infidelity, the danger that easily could have come (but so thankfully didn't) to our kids and I because of your choices and whom you choose to associate with, but I WANTED to support you, to stay with you, to stand by you and do any and everything in my power to keep our family together and work on being together for eternity like we were meant to be. Don't you get it? I WANT to be a family. I want the man I married, that I know I was supposed to be with for eternity. I want our kids to have THEIR dad. Not someone else, not the person that has taken over your body. The dad that cried when our precious Addie was born. The dad that so tenderly and lovingly laid his hands on her little head and gave her a beautiful priesthood blessing when she was deathly sick. The dad that would rock her for hours and not want to put her down when she was sleeping so sweetly. The dad that vowed that she couldn't date until she was forty and if any boy even looked in her direction, he would give the stare down to. The dad that got so tickled by the things Koley would say. The dad that would have to tell everyone how proud he was of him and the progress he continually made. The dad that would take them both on little outings like hiking, fishing, or on walks and give them his time and undivided attention. The dad that wanted to rip anyone up one side and down another if their feelings were ever hurt. The dad that was there when it was time to read scriptures and prayer, and would so sweetly explain the things we read so they could understand. That dad is gone for now. That dad missed the day Grandpa filled in as Koley's dad for "dads and donuts" at school. He missed watching Addie perform at the Stadium of Fire. He missed seeing the growth and progress Koley made this year in school. He missed watching Addie transform from a little girl into a beautiful young women. He missed Koley getting up at his fourth grade talent show telling jokes and watching how every single fourth grader cheered him on and gave him high fives. He missed listening to Addie give her first talk in Sacrament meeting as a young Beehive that she wrote completely on her own and gave as if she had done it a thousand times before. He missed when Koley got an award at school and the whole entire school errupted with cheers. He missed Koley escorting his big sister out on her dance review night and how they danced so sweetly. He misses the happiness, the laughter, the peace, the spirit, the pure joy they bring every single day. THEIR dad would be devastated knowing all that he has missed and will NEVER be able to get back. Who you are now, I truly don't even know. I do know that regardless of who you have evolved into, you love them. I know that. What I don't know anymore is do you even care? Do you even realize all that you have given up? This time will NEVER be able to be given back, and you just keep throwing it away. The day that I saw that picture of you with the rose for your new love, I felt like once again I was punched so hard in the stomach that I could barely breathe. That night I just needed to be with my kids. Koley had fallen asleep, so I left him with my parents at home and Addie and I went on a little ride. She NEVER talks about you. She acts like it's no big deal and that she is just fine. It worries me. There is no way it is no big deal. Your relationship with her was way too strong and precious for it to be no big deal that her dad is no longer in the picture. We talked about a few other things for a while and then I said, "Can I ask you a question?" She told me I could. I told her that she had to promise me that she would answer it with complete honesty, not the way she would think I would want her to answer it. She promised she would. I asked her, "If your dad ever wanted to see you, how would you feel about it?" She immediately said, "I wouldn't want to see him." I asked her why. "It has just been so long since I have seen him, it would be really awkward and weird.", she responded. "I want you to know Addie, I would NEVER keep you from your dad. If you ever wanted to see him, or talk to him on the phone, or even write him a letter, you can and should." She assured me that she knew that she knew it would be ok with me. Then I asked her (for the billionth time), how she felt about how things are with him not around. She said that it isn't really hard at all. She said it just feels like ever having a dad was a dream. I asked her if there are ever times that are hard like father's day, or not having him there for things that are specifically where dad's should be. She sat there for a long time. She didn't say anything. I looked over to see her looking out her window. She had tears streaming down her cheeks. She finally nodded. "I just don't get it. Why? Why doesn't he care? Why did he just leave and not want to see us anymore?" I honestly didn't know what to say. It took all I had to not break down and let the emotions that were swirling inside of me out. I did get a bit teary and just said, "Ads, I don't really understand myself. But I do know one billion percent that he loves you. He loves Koley. That will never change." I reminded her once again, how satan works. How powerful he can be if we allow him to be.I came home and after she went to bed, I sobbed. I sat in my parent's office looking at a family picture with my whole family that was taken five years ago. You were in it as well. We look so happy. We WERE so happy. I just wanted to rip the picture out of it's frame and tear your face out of it. I wanted so badly to just yell and scream at you and try to get you to wake up and see what you have done, what you have given up. I felt so much anger. I literally could not calm myself down. I pulled out my scriptures and began to read in the Book of Mormon. I just started where I am at in Jacob chapter 2. In verses 9-10 it reads:
"9. Wherefore, it burdeneth my soul that I should be constrained, because of the strict commandment which I have received from God, to admonish you according to your crimes, to enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds.
10. But, notwithstanding the greatness of the task, I must do according to the strict commands of God, and tell you concerning your wickedness and abominations, in the presence of the pure in heart, and the broken heart, and under the glance of the piercing eye of the Almighty God."
That is exactly what our two precious kids have had to endure. They have these sweet, innocent, pure souls that have had to not only hear but witness SO much evil, so much trauma, and so much sadness. They didn't ask for any of this. I went on reading and when I came to verse 21 I read a line that stood out and I know that I was meant to read at that exact moment. I, having so much anger in my heart towards you, and then read, "one being is as precious in his sight as the other." The anger, although still there, began to slowly fade as I thought more and more about that. No matter what our transgressions, no matter what our pain, no matter what our social status, no matter what worldly possessions we have, no matter how beautiful or plain we are, no matter what good we do or don't do, we are ALL still sons and daughters of a loving, just, merciful God. He loves us all the same. He may be mourn some more than others because of choices that are made, but He still loves us all alike. My rage turned more to sadness as I sat there trying to think of you the way Heavenly Father thinks of you. I shed a few more tears. This time tears of sorrow for the path you are on. I don't want this path for you. I don't want what will come if you choose to stay on it. I still love you J. I want you to be happy. I want you to not only be happy now, but I want you to be happy for eternity. How can I get you to see? Will you ever see? Will you ever realize? You can repent. You can be who you were sent here to be. It's not too late, but I don't want it to get to the point where it will be.......
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