We ALL Have Trials.
Dear J,
I have been doing really well lately. I have thought less and less about what has happened to us. Instead of it being on my mind 90% of the day everyday, it has gone down now to about 50%. That is a pretty remarkable decrease. My thoughts and feelings in considering our whole relationship and where we are now tend to fluctuate...... a lot. I have to be grateful because I go longer periods of time where I feel happy and feel at peace than I used to. I have had several people talk to me and tell me trials that they are facing in their lives. I was talking to a friend just recently. She was telling me about something in her life that has been extremely hard for her. When she was finished explaining what was going on she quickly apologized saying, "I am so sorry I am complaining to you about something so miniscule compared to what you are going through." The funny thing is, the whole time she was telling me what she was going through I was truly thinking how hard it must be for her. I was thinking that it is something I would not want to have to go through or endure. It made me realize more so now than ever that no matter our trials, our heartaches, our pain, our shortcomings, our struggles, the one thing each and every one of us have in common is the fact that there are trials we are ALL facing. I have people tell me all the time that they don't know how I have been able to go through what I have because of what has happened in our marriage, but you know what, no matter our trials whether they seem small or unbearable to those not experiencing it, they are difficult for all of us. There are so many situations I have seen where I think to myself that there is absolutely no way I could be able to do or go through what some people have to. If someone told me 10 years ago this would be what my trial would be at this point in my life, I would have said, "There is NO WAY I can do that." The thing is regardless of if I felt I can or can't do it, I have had no choice. As crazy as it sounds, I wouldn't change where I am now for anything. I wouldn't have been able to grow in the way that I have if I hadn't gone through these things. No matter our trials we ALL have our Savior to turn to, to rely on, to put our burdens at His feet.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the conversation I recently had with Addie and how she just wanted to know why. Why you just left and seem to not care. Why you chose this new lifestyle, these people, and drugs before us. Just like I didn't know what to say to her, I don't think I will ever understand, at least not in this lifetime. I don't want to know the control a substance can have over you. I don't want to know what it feels like to put that before anyone or anything else. Once again, I am in the mode of feeling nothing but sorrow for you. I am trying the best I can to understand, or to at least think about what you must be going through. I KNOW you are not happy. I know you don't like having to rely so heavily on a substance that you chose it over your kids, the gospel, everything that was good in your life. Like I said, I feel so much sorrow and heartache for you and the path you are on. But I have to say that the anger still sets in. I read your Patriarchal Blessing the other day. You are warned several times to stay away from "purveyors of filth". I even remember our conversations we would have when we would pull our patriarchal blessings out and read them together. You would mention how scary it is that you were warned so adamantly of the destruction that could take place in you if you didn't heed the warnings. You really were sent here to do great things. You did great things. You are an amazing person. There is a part in your blessing that was extremely difficult for me to read. It talks about how you would take a daughter of God to the house of the Lord and there be sealed for time and all eternity. How you would bring precious spirits into this world and together with your spouse you would help nourish their "tiny testimonies". You were and are a choice son of our loving Heavenly Father. You were set out to do so much to help bring forth the word of God to all those that so desperately are seeking it. I just cringe at the though of all this world is missing out on because of the choice you made to get you to where you are. That is where the anger comes. Although you are now under the control of the drugs and other addictions that you are battling, there was a point where you chose to not seek help. There was a point you chose to take more than was prescribed by the doctor knowing it was a dangerous thing to do. There was a point you chose to turn to harder substances that are extremely dangerous. That is where I feel so much anger. That is the "why" I don't understand more than anything. I don't get it. I haven't communicated with you in any form for almost five months now. So I guess I am assuming, but the last time I had any communication with you, you were still quick to say, "You left me. You chose to divorce me. I would be with you every day if I could, but you won't let me. I stay away from the kids because that is what you want. You are not there for me." So I think it is safe to say you feel that way still, and oh how badly that hurts. I don't want you to suffer, but I so want you to realize what your choices have done to me, to the kids, to your mom, to so many. I don't know that you really believe that I am the one that left you, but if you do I hope and pray somehow someway you will have your eyes open to how things really are and were. I am the one who went to an attorney. I am the one who initiated the divorce decree. I am the one who actually signed the papers. You didn't do any of those things. But I would love to have you explain how I was supposed to just sit back and let life continue to be the way it was. You had a RELATIONSHIP with your current girlfriend when we were still married, when you were still living with us, when I was trying so badly to make things work. You claimed time after time you didn't have a problem with drugs, that all of the things I was accusing you of (that have now come out full fledged) were not the way it was. You were never home. When you were home you were completely out of it. When we were together we were fighting. You weren't seeking help in any way. You only wanted to continue what you were doing. Your whole life at the point I made you leave for the last time was a lie. How could I keep my kids safe? How could I have our home be a refuge from the world where we could come and feel peace and love when there was so much contention and evil that was being brought inside? How could I do all of that J? You were not trying to change, you were not trying to get help, you were only trying to hide. I know that somehow and maybe not even until the next life you will one day see how it really was. You will feel of the love I had and tried to show, although I didn't very often. You will know the sincerity of my heart and how I feel about you now and how I felt about you then. You will know that I want nothing but for you to be happy, to realize, to choose the right path. Someday you will know. You are experiencing your own trials. I can't even imagine. Not seeing my kids in over a year. Living in fear of not having what you need to make you function at this point. Being in jail. Not having the spirit with you. Trying to fit the part of the life you have chosen by shaving your hair in a mohwak, and covering your body with tattoos. I can't imagine the loneliness you must feel. I can't imagine the physical, spiritual, and emotional pain. I can't imagine being surrounded by things that only bring the spirit of Satan rather than the Holy Ghost. I can't imagine losing any and everything that was good in your life.
ALL of us have trials. Some may seem greater than others, but we all hurt from them. We all feel sad. Trials should not and can not be compared. Nobody can fully understand what each one of us are struggling with or how it makes us feel, nobody except for one. Our loving Savior. He is the ONLY one that knows. He is the ONLY one that understands to the full extent. I know that it is hard when you feel like nobody gets it, nobody understands, but if we can always remember that He does and then turn to Him I can't even begin to explain the peace, the comfort, and the strength that gives. He knows what we are capable of doing. I am truly the weakest, most sensitive person on this earth. I have gained a whole new testimony of the power and strength we can get when we turn to our Savior. The strength I feel at times is almost surreal. I look back and wonder how I made it through some days. It is so humbling knowing that if we "let go and let God" we can make it. We can be strengthened. There are still days I don't know that I want to even wake up. There are moments I don't think I can handle one more thing. There are times I want to give up. But the difference now is that I am much quicker to turn to my scriptures, to fall to my knees in prayer, or to pull out a conference Ensign. My mortal person, just me without the strength and encouragement I feel from my loving Heavenly Father and His Son, is weak. When I turn my faith to Him, I am a whole new person. I am strong. I know I can do hard things. You can too. Somehow I hope you will realize that. You can overcome this. You can do anything with faith.
I have been doing really well lately. I have thought less and less about what has happened to us. Instead of it being on my mind 90% of the day everyday, it has gone down now to about 50%. That is a pretty remarkable decrease. My thoughts and feelings in considering our whole relationship and where we are now tend to fluctuate...... a lot. I have to be grateful because I go longer periods of time where I feel happy and feel at peace than I used to. I have had several people talk to me and tell me trials that they are facing in their lives. I was talking to a friend just recently. She was telling me about something in her life that has been extremely hard for her. When she was finished explaining what was going on she quickly apologized saying, "I am so sorry I am complaining to you about something so miniscule compared to what you are going through." The funny thing is, the whole time she was telling me what she was going through I was truly thinking how hard it must be for her. I was thinking that it is something I would not want to have to go through or endure. It made me realize more so now than ever that no matter our trials, our heartaches, our pain, our shortcomings, our struggles, the one thing each and every one of us have in common is the fact that there are trials we are ALL facing. I have people tell me all the time that they don't know how I have been able to go through what I have because of what has happened in our marriage, but you know what, no matter our trials whether they seem small or unbearable to those not experiencing it, they are difficult for all of us. There are so many situations I have seen where I think to myself that there is absolutely no way I could be able to do or go through what some people have to. If someone told me 10 years ago this would be what my trial would be at this point in my life, I would have said, "There is NO WAY I can do that." The thing is regardless of if I felt I can or can't do it, I have had no choice. As crazy as it sounds, I wouldn't change where I am now for anything. I wouldn't have been able to grow in the way that I have if I hadn't gone through these things. No matter our trials we ALL have our Savior to turn to, to rely on, to put our burdens at His feet.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the conversation I recently had with Addie and how she just wanted to know why. Why you just left and seem to not care. Why you chose this new lifestyle, these people, and drugs before us. Just like I didn't know what to say to her, I don't think I will ever understand, at least not in this lifetime. I don't want to know the control a substance can have over you. I don't want to know what it feels like to put that before anyone or anything else. Once again, I am in the mode of feeling nothing but sorrow for you. I am trying the best I can to understand, or to at least think about what you must be going through. I KNOW you are not happy. I know you don't like having to rely so heavily on a substance that you chose it over your kids, the gospel, everything that was good in your life. Like I said, I feel so much sorrow and heartache for you and the path you are on. But I have to say that the anger still sets in. I read your Patriarchal Blessing the other day. You are warned several times to stay away from "purveyors of filth". I even remember our conversations we would have when we would pull our patriarchal blessings out and read them together. You would mention how scary it is that you were warned so adamantly of the destruction that could take place in you if you didn't heed the warnings. You really were sent here to do great things. You did great things. You are an amazing person. There is a part in your blessing that was extremely difficult for me to read. It talks about how you would take a daughter of God to the house of the Lord and there be sealed for time and all eternity. How you would bring precious spirits into this world and together with your spouse you would help nourish their "tiny testimonies". You were and are a choice son of our loving Heavenly Father. You were set out to do so much to help bring forth the word of God to all those that so desperately are seeking it. I just cringe at the though of all this world is missing out on because of the choice you made to get you to where you are. That is where the anger comes. Although you are now under the control of the drugs and other addictions that you are battling, there was a point where you chose to not seek help. There was a point you chose to take more than was prescribed by the doctor knowing it was a dangerous thing to do. There was a point you chose to turn to harder substances that are extremely dangerous. That is where I feel so much anger. That is the "why" I don't understand more than anything. I don't get it. I haven't communicated with you in any form for almost five months now. So I guess I am assuming, but the last time I had any communication with you, you were still quick to say, "You left me. You chose to divorce me. I would be with you every day if I could, but you won't let me. I stay away from the kids because that is what you want. You are not there for me." So I think it is safe to say you feel that way still, and oh how badly that hurts. I don't want you to suffer, but I so want you to realize what your choices have done to me, to the kids, to your mom, to so many. I don't know that you really believe that I am the one that left you, but if you do I hope and pray somehow someway you will have your eyes open to how things really are and were. I am the one who went to an attorney. I am the one who initiated the divorce decree. I am the one who actually signed the papers. You didn't do any of those things. But I would love to have you explain how I was supposed to just sit back and let life continue to be the way it was. You had a RELATIONSHIP with your current girlfriend when we were still married, when you were still living with us, when I was trying so badly to make things work. You claimed time after time you didn't have a problem with drugs, that all of the things I was accusing you of (that have now come out full fledged) were not the way it was. You were never home. When you were home you were completely out of it. When we were together we were fighting. You weren't seeking help in any way. You only wanted to continue what you were doing. Your whole life at the point I made you leave for the last time was a lie. How could I keep my kids safe? How could I have our home be a refuge from the world where we could come and feel peace and love when there was so much contention and evil that was being brought inside? How could I do all of that J? You were not trying to change, you were not trying to get help, you were only trying to hide. I know that somehow and maybe not even until the next life you will one day see how it really was. You will feel of the love I had and tried to show, although I didn't very often. You will know the sincerity of my heart and how I feel about you now and how I felt about you then. You will know that I want nothing but for you to be happy, to realize, to choose the right path. Someday you will know. You are experiencing your own trials. I can't even imagine. Not seeing my kids in over a year. Living in fear of not having what you need to make you function at this point. Being in jail. Not having the spirit with you. Trying to fit the part of the life you have chosen by shaving your hair in a mohwak, and covering your body with tattoos. I can't imagine the loneliness you must feel. I can't imagine the physical, spiritual, and emotional pain. I can't imagine being surrounded by things that only bring the spirit of Satan rather than the Holy Ghost. I can't imagine losing any and everything that was good in your life.ALL of us have trials. Some may seem greater than others, but we all hurt from them. We all feel sad. Trials should not and can not be compared. Nobody can fully understand what each one of us are struggling with or how it makes us feel, nobody except for one. Our loving Savior. He is the ONLY one that knows. He is the ONLY one that understands to the full extent. I know that it is hard when you feel like nobody gets it, nobody understands, but if we can always remember that He does and then turn to Him I can't even begin to explain the peace, the comfort, and the strength that gives. He knows what we are capable of doing. I am truly the weakest, most sensitive person on this earth. I have gained a whole new testimony of the power and strength we can get when we turn to our Savior. The strength I feel at times is almost surreal. I look back and wonder how I made it through some days. It is so humbling knowing that if we "let go and let God" we can make it. We can be strengthened. There are still days I don't know that I want to even wake up. There are moments I don't think I can handle one more thing. There are times I want to give up. But the difference now is that I am much quicker to turn to my scriptures, to fall to my knees in prayer, or to pull out a conference Ensign. My mortal person, just me without the strength and encouragement I feel from my loving Heavenly Father and His Son, is weak. When I turn my faith to Him, I am a whole new person. I am strong. I know I can do hard things. You can too. Somehow I hope you will realize that. You can overcome this. You can do anything with faith.
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