Care more about what the world thinks...or what God thinks?
I have this problem. It is a problem that I have vowed over and over and over again that I would work on, that I would overcome...Well unfortunately, it hasn't improved. In fact it only seems to get worse. I worry way too much about what people think. I worry about it so much, it overwhelms me to the point that my stomach is always in knots, I can't sleep, and I let it dictate how I feel about myself. It isn't a recent struggle, it has plagued me for more than half of my life now.
The alarm rings. I just want to sleep. I hit the snooze button. It rings again for the fifth time. I finally pull myself out of bed. I try on a million outfits. Nothing looks good on me. Nothing. I finally settle for something because it is now almost 6:30. I still haven't woke up the kids. I need to get them ready, make lunches, make sure they have what they need for the day, give mom instructions as to what the day holds in terms of her taking on the role of mom instead of grandma for my kids. I walk in the bathroom and dread what I have to face in the mirror. I try to avoid it as long as I can. I finally have to face what I hate looking at more than anything...myself. I cover up my face with so much makeup, it doesn't even look like the same person I first saw. I would rather people judge me for the make up than what is really underneath. I hate it. Again, I try to avoid the mirror as much as I can. I finally get the kids up. I help them get ready. I make them lunches. We're running late...again. I kiss Koley good bye and tell him how much I will miss him and dread the fact that I won't see him for 90% of the day. I drive Addie to school. Drop her off and again have to say good bye for almost the whole rest of the day. I drive to my school where I am doing my internship. I walk in and feel extremely happy to be there. I love what I do. I love the kids. I love the progress I see them make everyday. Soon after the bell rings and I begin observing my mentor teacher, the thoughts start again, "I don't think I am going to be good enough to teach. I can't even help Addie understand her math. I confuse her more than help. How am I ever going to teach a classroom full of fifth graders in a way that will make sense to them? I'm sure my mentor teacher wonders how I ever even was accepted into the Elementary Education Program." The time comes for recess. I go out and play with the students. I thoroughly enjoy playing four square, jump rope, and running races with them (even though they ALWAYS smoke me!). Again, I am reminded why I want to do this, how much I love it, and why it is such an important career. It is noon. I hurry and drive to my classes that begin at 12:30. I walk in my classroom, and again am reminded how inferior I am compared to the people in my cohort. They all are prepared, have read all the chapters and or articles for each class, and are already working on upcoming projects and assignments that I have barely even looked at. Class starts. My professor begins a class discussion. I have so much I want to say, and have such great ideas swirling around in my mind. I make a comment, and sound like a complete idiot. It comes out completely different than the way I heard it in my mind. One of my classmates makes a comment. They sound like they have been teaching for years. I sink down in my chair and just want to just disappear. In between classes as I socialize with my classmates and friends, I am constantly thinking, "Why did you say that? You sound so dumb! They think you are so annoying." UGH... Why can't I just stop these stupid negative thoughts?! Why do I put so much time and energy making myself worry sick what every single person thinks of me?! Why do I assume everyone only thinks the worst about me? JUST STOP! Classes end. I rush to pick Addie up from dance. We get home at around 7:00. I start to play the homework Nazi with the kids. We get ready for bed. Read scriptures and say prayer. By the time all of that is said and done, it's 9-9:30. I just want to go to bed. I can't. I pull out my books, laptop, and pencil. Time to get to work on my homework that seems almost impossible to accomplish. I work on it homework, doing all in my power to just keep my eyes open. I can't do it anymore. I get myself ready for bed. Finally I get in my bed and all of a sudden, I'm wide awake. I look at the clock and see that it is almost 1:30 in the morning. Only four more hours until it all starts again... I try to force myself to fall asleep. Finally I do. What seems like only minutes, and my alarm starts going off. Here we go again... Mixed in with my normal daily routine, I feel like someone is always mad at me, I don't do right by anything or anyone. Not once do I stop in my everyday life to think about what my Heavenly Father thinks about me. Because of that, I put more time and energy into pleasing people and the world, than studying my scriptures better, saying more heartfelt prayers, serving more, attending the temple more frequently, or making sure we are having family home evening every week. I guess venting on this blog is my way of holding myself accountable for the things that I let get in the way of my happiness. I am literally at a loss. I know what I need to do to be happy. I know what I need to change. I know what is most important. Why do I make it so difficult? Why can't I just focus? I just can't seem to get out of this rut no matter how hard I try. I need to be stronger. I need to try harder. I need to worry more about what God thinks than the world...
The alarm rings. I just want to sleep. I hit the snooze button. It rings again for the fifth time. I finally pull myself out of bed. I try on a million outfits. Nothing looks good on me. Nothing. I finally settle for something because it is now almost 6:30. I still haven't woke up the kids. I need to get them ready, make lunches, make sure they have what they need for the day, give mom instructions as to what the day holds in terms of her taking on the role of mom instead of grandma for my kids. I walk in the bathroom and dread what I have to face in the mirror. I try to avoid it as long as I can. I finally have to face what I hate looking at more than anything...myself. I cover up my face with so much makeup, it doesn't even look like the same person I first saw. I would rather people judge me for the make up than what is really underneath. I hate it. Again, I try to avoid the mirror as much as I can. I finally get the kids up. I help them get ready. I make them lunches. We're running late...again. I kiss Koley good bye and tell him how much I will miss him and dread the fact that I won't see him for 90% of the day. I drive Addie to school. Drop her off and again have to say good bye for almost the whole rest of the day. I drive to my school where I am doing my internship. I walk in and feel extremely happy to be there. I love what I do. I love the kids. I love the progress I see them make everyday. Soon after the bell rings and I begin observing my mentor teacher, the thoughts start again, "I don't think I am going to be good enough to teach. I can't even help Addie understand her math. I confuse her more than help. How am I ever going to teach a classroom full of fifth graders in a way that will make sense to them? I'm sure my mentor teacher wonders how I ever even was accepted into the Elementary Education Program." The time comes for recess. I go out and play with the students. I thoroughly enjoy playing four square, jump rope, and running races with them (even though they ALWAYS smoke me!). Again, I am reminded why I want to do this, how much I love it, and why it is such an important career. It is noon. I hurry and drive to my classes that begin at 12:30. I walk in my classroom, and again am reminded how inferior I am compared to the people in my cohort. They all are prepared, have read all the chapters and or articles for each class, and are already working on upcoming projects and assignments that I have barely even looked at. Class starts. My professor begins a class discussion. I have so much I want to say, and have such great ideas swirling around in my mind. I make a comment, and sound like a complete idiot. It comes out completely different than the way I heard it in my mind. One of my classmates makes a comment. They sound like they have been teaching for years. I sink down in my chair and just want to just disappear. In between classes as I socialize with my classmates and friends, I am constantly thinking, "Why did you say that? You sound so dumb! They think you are so annoying." UGH... Why can't I just stop these stupid negative thoughts?! Why do I put so much time and energy making myself worry sick what every single person thinks of me?! Why do I assume everyone only thinks the worst about me? JUST STOP! Classes end. I rush to pick Addie up from dance. We get home at around 7:00. I start to play the homework Nazi with the kids. We get ready for bed. Read scriptures and say prayer. By the time all of that is said and done, it's 9-9:30. I just want to go to bed. I can't. I pull out my books, laptop, and pencil. Time to get to work on my homework that seems almost impossible to accomplish. I work on it homework, doing all in my power to just keep my eyes open. I can't do it anymore. I get myself ready for bed. Finally I get in my bed and all of a sudden, I'm wide awake. I look at the clock and see that it is almost 1:30 in the morning. Only four more hours until it all starts again... I try to force myself to fall asleep. Finally I do. What seems like only minutes, and my alarm starts going off. Here we go again... Mixed in with my normal daily routine, I feel like someone is always mad at me, I don't do right by anything or anyone. Not once do I stop in my everyday life to think about what my Heavenly Father thinks about me. Because of that, I put more time and energy into pleasing people and the world, than studying my scriptures better, saying more heartfelt prayers, serving more, attending the temple more frequently, or making sure we are having family home evening every week. I guess venting on this blog is my way of holding myself accountable for the things that I let get in the way of my happiness. I am literally at a loss. I know what I need to do to be happy. I know what I need to change. I know what is most important. Why do I make it so difficult? Why can't I just focus? I just can't seem to get out of this rut no matter how hard I try. I need to be stronger. I need to try harder. I need to worry more about what God thinks than the world...
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