Feelings...

More than a year ago, it was time that we took a break.
I said, "see you later", hysterically praying I wasn't making a mistake.
I didn't know this man, the one that you had now become.
This devastating transformation, why? Where did it all come from?
Where was the one I turned to, the one to always wipe my tears?
 Where was the one who told me I was worth it, who helped me face my fears?
The one who stood right by me, who always had my back.
The one who believed in me, giving confidence I most certainly did lack.
Now my tears that rarely stopped, each and every day,
You weren't the one to wipe them, you were encouraging them to stay.

No longer were you the one that stood right by my side.
I now felt much less confident and desperately just wanted to hide.
I saw you again weeks later, after you had gone your way.
At my request you came so our angels could tell you happy Father's Day.
When we first saw you on that day, it was so hard to see.
Who was this man, not our father and husband, it couldn't possibly be?
Our precious angels clung to my side, not knowing what to do, and fear not wanting to show.
What should they say, how should they act with this man they now did not know?
Our precious ten year old daughter, turning eleven in just three short days,
with tears in her eyes, and a hesitant voice asked if you would come and please stay.
You promised her you wouldn't miss her special day for anything, nothing at all.
When the day arrived you didn't come all day long, you didn't even call.
She asked why you weren't there once, and then a few times more.
I told her I wasn't quite sure, but reassured her of your love to the core.
Finally at nine o'clock as her special day was coming to a close until next year,
you pull up outside, stumble out of the car, your direction, it didn't seem clear.
She hesitantly ran, gave you a hug, and quickly went back to her friends.
With fear in her eyes, something was definitely wrong, when would this nightmare end?
Slurring your words, sweat dripping down your face, you said you were just a bit sick.
You were shaking and pale,you said some medicine would just do the trick.
I took you inside, not sure what to do, worried for what I did see.
I looked up online what were symptoms and signs of what I feared this just might be.
Sure enough, each description of the symptoms and signs matched the actions you did show.
The shaking, the sweating, pale skin, and slurred words, helped me to certainly know.
The substances your body so desperately craved, your brain told your body it needed.
They are what happened, what had now taken over, it was the only thing you now heeded.
I watched you all night as you twitched, and you shook, not sure exactly what to do.
Not sleeping one wink, too fearful of of what I may wake up to.
The morning came, you called someone for a ride, acting as if nothing was wrong.
You rushed out the door, barely saying good-bye, even though we didn't talk very long.
That was the last time our two sweet angels had any contact at all with the man they called dad.
Just ripped from their lives, the man they loved most, their best buddy and hero, now so sad.
Not seeing them grow, not hearing them laugh, not providing, without a father they lack.
Missing so much every single day, so much that you can never get back.
Missing the first day of school, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other significant days.
Not seeing the joy on your little boy's face when he celebrated his tenth birthday.
Not seeing him grow and progress in his life, with the struggles that were given to him.
He is doing so well, and learning so much, and the daily battles he's determined to win.
Then there is our sweet, strong, amazing little girl that is transforming right before my eyes.
Into a beautiful young lady with a desire to do what is right, to her Heavenly Father she complies.
I don't think you know, or have even a clue of the transformations she has made.
She is maturing, not looking like a little girl anymore, already in seventh grade.
A few months ago her special day again came, she was turning 12, such an important age.
This year, I prayed her birthday would be better than last, as she was able to turn a new page.
I got a phone call in the middle of that day, my brother telling me he had news I needed to hear.
He said you were arrested, now the sixth time in less than a year.
There were so many emotions that came over me, relieved, sad, angry, I didn't know how to feel.
It seemed once again so surreal almost like a bad dream, that this was my life I was living in still.
I called to tell your family where you were, and that you were still alive.
I thought I was alone, when I noticed someone was standing by my side.
I turned and saw our beautiful birthday girl with tears streaming down her cheeks.
I grabbed her and held her for what seemed like hours as an explanation I was trying to seek.
Once again it was not me that was offering comfort, or reassuring things would be fine.
She was the one that was filling that roll not for her sake but for mine.
Almost four months have passed since that day that we learned you were still not in control of your life.
And now in two weeks it will be one year when we were officially no longer husband and wife.
Life still moves on, it has been so long now that we said our last good-byes.
Sometimes there are people that wonder and don't understand why I still cry.
Although I get stronger and come more to the terms that I lost the one that I love,
the hole in my heart is not filled in yet, I have been praying for extra help from above.
I still think about coming home and you being there to help me conquer my pain.
But when I walk in, you are no longer there, everything still is the same.
I feel at a loss often times where I stand and feel that I don't fit anywhere.
With you I felt confident in knowing I was accepted and loved no matter my care.
Now the feeling of inadequacy in every aspect of life is how I constantly feel.
I want to move on, I want to not care, I want these feelings to not be real.
I miss you everyday not fully understanding why things ended in this way.
I know my Father in Heaven has a plan, He knows what is best my trust in Him it must always stay.
I can't seem to fully let go of what we had and what I feel was meant to be.
I know I need to be strong and take baby steps forward, even when it feels I'm drowning in a sea.
I am blessed beyond measure, I need to remember, and not let satan step in.
I need to stop letting him dictate my feelings, I need to stop letting him win.