Please just stop....

I wish some days I could just turn off every feeling, every fear, every insecurity, everything. I know that is not ok. I know that is not how I should think. I know I need to be stronger. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so hopeless some days that even having to go out in the world is almost too much to bear....almost. I do it not because I don't wish I could hide in my bed all day and never come out. I do it because I have two precious angels that even some days when it doesn't seem like it, they need me. They already lost a dad, and not just a dad, the best dad. They didn't ask for this. They deserve the best. It seems like no matter what I do, Satan is right there whispering to me how inadequate I am in every aspect of life, and in all honesty according to worldly standards, I really am. I know that I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, I know He loves me, why can't I just thrive solely on the one thing that is the whole reason I'm here, the whole reason I have to be happy? Why can't I just stop?! I will start doing really well, then something happens. The most recent events have been unexpected and I have let them push me almost over the edge. I wish so badly people could live in each other's shoes when they feel it is their right to judge others. I know that nobody ever understands what someone else goes through. Even if they have been through something similar, or maybe even the same situation. Things affect everyone differently and people deal differently with trauma, heartache, fear, and even joy. I want to wrap my kids up in my arms and protect them from all that has happened in our family. I want them to move forward and be happy. They have a lot of deep wounds that need to heal. Life goes on all around. People wonder why you just can't move on. Why you just can't get over it. Why you can't stop dwelling on it. I wonder the exact same things. Why? Why can't I just stop?! Why can't I be strong enough that when I am to the point of moving forward, feeling happy, and having a hopeful outlook, and a curve ball gets thrown, why can't I just keep going on that same road? Today I really thought about it as I have very unsettled feelings with what has happened. You can't just "get over" 14 years with someone that you loved/love more than anyone. Someone that you shared more with than anyone; fears, secrets, doubts, joy, struggles, tears, accomplishments, trials, trust, love. Someone that gave you the best gift ever of being a mother. Someone who was your rock, your confidant, your everything. You can't just forget. You can't turn off your heart. You can't stop caring, or loving. Despite choices that have been made by that person, choices that have caused more heartache, devastation, despair, fear, and anger. Despite the hurt, it doesn't make it one bit easier.

   Turning to the Lord is what gives me strength to keep going. We all struggle with something. We all face trials . Some people that I have watched face different things, I honestly don't know how they do it. How they get through such horrendous obstacles. I wonder not only how they do it, but how they do it and come out on top with such an amazing attitude. Things these people I am thinking of, are things that I most certainly couldn't even imagine having to bear. Yet they do it with the best attitude. I then re-evaluate my own attitude, and my own trials that are miniscule compared to the trials so many others are facing. Then I get upset that I even thought of feeling sorry for myself. Now I have watched as my own precious daughter is fighting some kind of struggle of her own. She isn't the same easy going, happy, confident little girl that she has been her whole entire life by nature. She holds back. She second guesses who she is. She worries that she isn't good enough. I know her age is hard. I know it is hard to find where to fit, and where your place is, but it isn't just her age I'm afraid. She has made drastic changes in knowing who she is. She still holds her standards high. She wants to do what is right. She wants to be a good friend. She just has a sadness that as hard and as good as she thinks she is covering it, it shows. She tells me she's happy. But it isn't the same happy she once was. I don't know what to do. I feel so dysfunctional myself all the time, how can I help her? I'm probably the reason she is struggling. Why can't I just stop? Why can't I just be happy, not the fake happy, but really feel happy? I have every reason to be! And now because of me, because of how I am, it wears off on my precious daughter that deserves the world. She deserves the best. She needs me. She is struggling, and I can't even get a grip on my own feelings enough to be a functional mother. I know I need to stop. I have to stop. How? How do I stop letting Satan control my feelings? I even know the answer to that, but still can't find enough strength. I am pretty pathetic. I am not going to lie or try to cover how pathetic I am. I just need to help my baby girl. She needs me. She deserves to be happy. Genuinely happy.