Hard Day...

It's been one full year since I've seen you face to face. You just got out of jail. You called my parent's house around 11:00. You told me you really wanted to see me and asked what I was doing. I told you I was trying to get homework done. You asked if I could come pick you up. You told me you were by the chevron station next to the Village Inn. I shouldn't have, but there was still so much hope in me...so I did. I drove to the Chevron station, and there you were laying on some grass. I pulled up and braced myself as I didn't know what to expect this time. I had my guard up high and strong. You get in the car and start making small talk. I didn't want small talk. I wanted so badly for you just to tell me how much you loved me and the kids. I wanted you to tell me you were going to do all in your power to be done with your addictions and that you would fight for us. I wanted you to not only tell me but show me. I knew you had your girlfriend that you have never admitted to having. So I asked where she was. You immediately snapped at me and told me if I was going to try and pick a fight, you were just going to have me pull over and you'd walk. Honestly, I should have done it. I didn't. I apologized and just told you I only wanted answers to what seemed like an obvious puzzle, but didn't add up to what you vowed to be the truth. I didn't want to fight. I only wanted to know the truth. I wanted you to be honest. I asked again if she wasn't your girlfriend why you were always with her. You yelled, " I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES!!! SHE HAS BEEN HELPING ME!!!" I asked why she would just help you if there was nothing in it for her? Why would she do that for someone she didn't care about? You angrily told me that you have helped her so she is only doing it in return. I asked the same thing, why you would help her if you weren't even friends like you claimed. You again yelled, "SHE HAS FOUR KIDS!!!" I felt that knife go through my heart yet again. You would think I'd be getting used to that knife, but I wasn't. Every time it came at me, it hurt. I quietly whispered, "And you have two kids." I didn't look at you when I said it, but knew you were staring at me. I braced myself for I had an idea what was coming... "I CAN'T SEE MY OWN KIDS!!! THEY HATE ME BECAUSE OF YOU!! YOU HAVE TOLD THEM ABOUT MY MISTAKES SO THEY WOULD WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! WELL YOU WIN!!! AREN'T YOU HAPPY NOW??" I sat there trying to drive as I began shaking almost uncontrollably. It didn't matter what I had to say or what evidence I had to back me up. It was going to be my fault and there was no changing your mind. So I just quietly said, "I want you to be in their lives. They love you. I have told them things they need to know for their own sakes." You ignored me. I pulled up to your mom's house and you just sat there. I just sat there. Why? Why didn't you see how things really were? Then I began doubting myself thinking maybe I was crazy. You were so convincing in your view of the way things were and you did not back down. I apologized for saying anything. You immediately changed face and told me you loved me. You told me all you wanted was me. You needed me. I walked to your door. You bent down and hugged me for at least two minutes. You told me you were going to show me that you wanted me, that you wanted our kids, that you wanted what we once had. Again, I believed you. I came home with so much hope, so much. I knew that I was worth it to you again. I knew it would be a long road, but we'd be ok again... The next day you disappeared from your mom's house when she was at work. You weren't heard from or seen until January, when you and your girlfriend were arrested together on drug charges... I was simply a ride home that night. That's all. I was nothing more and you didn't care what it would do to not only me, but to Addie and Koleman. I am struggling SO much right now. I have nightmares about three times a week with these horrible things being re-enacted. That was the last I actually saw you. I just want to understand. I don't get it. I don't know why we were so easily thrown away. Not only thrown away, but no attempt whatsoever showing remorse, showing you care about the pain we've experienced. Nothing. Only more slaps in the face, and knives in my heart. I just need to be faithful. I need to serve others. I need to be strong.