"Remember the Worth of Souls is Great in the Sight of God."
One thing that I certainly needed today was to sit in on yet again, a beautiful lesson in Young Women. I was able to re-evaluate where I am in my true conversion and where my testimony really stands in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. One thing that made me feel terrible as I answered questions in my mind in terms of where I am in my conversion, was when I was asked on a scale of one to ten where I sit 10 being the most, and 1 the least when it comes to caring more about what Heavenly Father thinks or what the world thinks. When I thought about it, I knew I couldn't put more than a 4. It made me sick. I worry constantly what others are thinking, and unfortunately, often, it overrides me worrying what my Heavenly Father thinks...
I get up everyday, go to my fifth grade class where I am doing my internship. I walk in feeling like I can do it. Today will be great. I LOVE the students. They make me feel like a million bucks as they greet me with hugs and high fives. Often they give me pictures or notes they drew or wrote for me. I feel like I'm on cloud nine. Like I am actually important to them and that I matter in their lives. I get up to teach and after all of those amazing feelings, I feel inadequate, dumb, worthless, and as if I will never be able to be the teacher I want to be, I should be, or even good enough to get a job when I graduate in May. I just can't do it. My mentor teacher makes teaching look so simple, so easy, what is wrong with me?? Then I go to my college classes right after until 6:30 that evening. I walk in and again am reminded that I am not as good as my colleagues in my cohort. Not only am I not as smart or as good at teaching, but I shallowly think how I'm not pretty like many of them, I don't dress as cute, I'm annoying, nobody wants to hear about my lame life and my stupid problems, etc. No matter where I go or who I'm around, those feelings sneak up in one way or another. Embarrassing, lame, dumb, I know. I am just being honest. Many things have recently happened that have caused me to feel more worthless than ever. I feel as though I can't convey the feelings I have in a way to get some people to understand no matter how hard I try. It always seems like I'm the one in the wrong, or things are always my fault. So then I think, well what is wrong with me? What do I always do wrong? What is it with me? I don't have my husband any more. I feel as though often times, it's my fault. Why didn't you try harder? Why didn't you stick it out longer? Why aren't you good enough for him to want to fight for? Then those feelings seem to be validated when I hear, "He is an addict and he needs help. He doesn't have anything now. He is in a really hard spot." Or when I try to not only do all in my power to heal from the immense pain, but to help my kids as well and I get told that I am wrong for the way I'm doing it. I am not being fair to others for protecting my kids from involving them in events that I KNOW will only be painful for them. I then see evidence of how their dad has chosen a different life, a different path, and even a different person to share it with, it nearly kills me. It feels like we've just been thrown away without looking back. No remorse. I have felt like I am more worthless now than ever before.
So as I sat in Young Women and listened to such a beautiful lesson, it made me think about day in and day out all I seem to think about or worry about is what everyone else thinks. My focus is what my worth is in the eyes of everyone around me, everyone but the Ones that matters the very most.... my Heavenly Father and my Savior. They are there ALWAYS no matter what. They have a genuine unconditional love. They accept me and love me regardless of how I look, where I live, how much money I have, what I drive, what clothes I wear, how many sports and extracurricular activities my kids are involved in, what grades I get, what calling I hold, what my marital status is, or what my accomplishments are. They love me for me. They want me to be happy. They want me to achieve the ultimate goal that we should all strive for, returning to live with Them. Worrying so much about what everyone else thinks and placing my worth on what others see me as, is only going to deter me from the path that leads to that ultimate goal. I need to stop it. I need to remember Whose I am and not what I am or what others view me as. I want to be fully converted in the gospel of the Lord. I love my precious children more than I could ever describe, and by me being so consumed with worrying what the world thinks is not only hurting me, but them as well. The best thing I can do and NEED to do is place my faith and trust in Him. I need to focus on what He thinks, what He wants, and what He knows and what I know will bring me true happiness and lead me to my ultimate goal.
I get up everyday, go to my fifth grade class where I am doing my internship. I walk in feeling like I can do it. Today will be great. I LOVE the students. They make me feel like a million bucks as they greet me with hugs and high fives. Often they give me pictures or notes they drew or wrote for me. I feel like I'm on cloud nine. Like I am actually important to them and that I matter in their lives. I get up to teach and after all of those amazing feelings, I feel inadequate, dumb, worthless, and as if I will never be able to be the teacher I want to be, I should be, or even good enough to get a job when I graduate in May. I just can't do it. My mentor teacher makes teaching look so simple, so easy, what is wrong with me?? Then I go to my college classes right after until 6:30 that evening. I walk in and again am reminded that I am not as good as my colleagues in my cohort. Not only am I not as smart or as good at teaching, but I shallowly think how I'm not pretty like many of them, I don't dress as cute, I'm annoying, nobody wants to hear about my lame life and my stupid problems, etc. No matter where I go or who I'm around, those feelings sneak up in one way or another. Embarrassing, lame, dumb, I know. I am just being honest. Many things have recently happened that have caused me to feel more worthless than ever. I feel as though I can't convey the feelings I have in a way to get some people to understand no matter how hard I try. It always seems like I'm the one in the wrong, or things are always my fault. So then I think, well what is wrong with me? What do I always do wrong? What is it with me? I don't have my husband any more. I feel as though often times, it's my fault. Why didn't you try harder? Why didn't you stick it out longer? Why aren't you good enough for him to want to fight for? Then those feelings seem to be validated when I hear, "He is an addict and he needs help. He doesn't have anything now. He is in a really hard spot." Or when I try to not only do all in my power to heal from the immense pain, but to help my kids as well and I get told that I am wrong for the way I'm doing it. I am not being fair to others for protecting my kids from involving them in events that I KNOW will only be painful for them. I then see evidence of how their dad has chosen a different life, a different path, and even a different person to share it with, it nearly kills me. It feels like we've just been thrown away without looking back. No remorse. I have felt like I am more worthless now than ever before.So as I sat in Young Women and listened to such a beautiful lesson, it made me think about day in and day out all I seem to think about or worry about is what everyone else thinks. My focus is what my worth is in the eyes of everyone around me, everyone but the Ones that matters the very most.... my Heavenly Father and my Savior. They are there ALWAYS no matter what. They have a genuine unconditional love. They accept me and love me regardless of how I look, where I live, how much money I have, what I drive, what clothes I wear, how many sports and extracurricular activities my kids are involved in, what grades I get, what calling I hold, what my marital status is, or what my accomplishments are. They love me for me. They want me to be happy. They want me to achieve the ultimate goal that we should all strive for, returning to live with Them. Worrying so much about what everyone else thinks and placing my worth on what others see me as, is only going to deter me from the path that leads to that ultimate goal. I need to stop it. I need to remember Whose I am and not what I am or what others view me as. I want to be fully converted in the gospel of the Lord. I love my precious children more than I could ever describe, and by me being so consumed with worrying what the world thinks is not only hurting me, but them as well. The best thing I can do and NEED to do is place my faith and trust in Him. I need to focus on what He thinks, what He wants, and what He knows and what I know will bring me true happiness and lead me to my ultimate goal.
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