My Feelings Tonight...

I have a love/hate relationship with the holiday season. I love that we celebrate the birth of our Savior, and that we have the opportunity to really reflect on His life and EVERYTHING He has done for every single one of us. I love the music that brings such a neat spirit. I love the lights. I love the decorations. I love the movies. I love the happiness that is felt in the air. The thing I hate, is he is no longer there to celebrate with me. I wonder if he even cares or misses us. For the last several years it seems like we never had money at Christmastime. He would always figure out a way and get me the most meaningful gifts. He would do whatever he could to make sure it was a special day for the kids and I. One year I woke up to balloons everywhere and bags of barbecue potato chips all around the house. They are my favorite kind. To me it was better than getting a diamond ring. He decorated the house for my birthday and had my precious little ones make me the sweetest cards. During the holiday season we would put the kids in bed and he would endure watching my all time favorite Christmas movie "White Christmas" with me over and over again. Every Christmas Eve, we would drive around to get the kids to sleep and look at Christmas lights. We especially loved going to Hurricane and seeing the lights that danced with the music. He would usually write me one of his infamous poems that would make me laugh and cry at the same time. We would take the kids every year to the Temple to see the lights and the Nativity. Although the kids and I still try to do those things, it's a lot different. I can't go to Hurricane without getting a sick feeling in my stomach anymore, so we just look at the lights around St.George. I still take the kids to the temple, and try to focus on how blessed we are to be so close to the Temple, and the message we hear when seeing the nativity. I try to fight back the tears as it just isn't complete. Christmas shopping isn't near as fun by myself. I don't want to always sound  so pessimistic, but as I said before many times, this is where I release. This is where I write my feelings when I'm struggling. I miss him. I miss him so much right now, I literally have been having major anxiety attacks. He's gone. He doesn't even seem to care. He left and never looked back. He would argue and say it is my doing. He would be right in some respects. I did head up the divorce. I signed the papers. I told him he had to leave after a whole night of him missing and turning up at a friend's house, and when I finally found him, not knowing for 24 hours if he was dead or not, he was confused as to why I was upset. This man that I loved and married did a complete 180. It is mind boggling what drugs can do to a person. A husband and a father that was so involved, always wanting to be together as a family, who now hasn't seen his kids in over a year and a half. I can't go a day without missing them like crazy if I don't see them. How? How can he just so easily leave and not even try to see how they are doing? I hate drugs with all that I am. I hate them. They take great people. They make them slaves. They come first. They break up families. They ruin lives. Some days I wonder if I'll ever move on. If I'll ever be fully happy again. I am always quickly reminded that He is in charge. My loving Heavenly Father. He knows what is best. He is the way. He is in charge. He has a plan for me. For Addie. For Koleman. I don't think I will ever fully get over loving Kevin. I'll always love him. He gave me the two most precious gifts I will EVER receive. I know who he really is. However, I know I will move forward one day. I already am taking tiny little steps forward. I'll get there. I am so blessed to have the gospel in my life. I have the greatest gift ever, that of knowing what I know. I know my Savior came to this earth for all of us. He loves us SO much that he so willingly suffered far more than anyone could ever possibly begin to imagine. He died for us. He is always there. ALWAYS. If anyone actually reads this thing, I hope and pray if you are ever feeling alone, hopeless, depressed, or even joy, you always turn to Him. He is there waiting, and wanting to help. He already paid the price. I am so grateful that we can celebrate Him this time of year. I want to celebrate Him always. I am so blessed and honored to share my day of birth with the day we celebrate His. I wrote my feelings about this in a poem just yesterday morning.

                                    

When people hear of the day I was born they seem to always say,

“Oh I feel so bad for you, I would hate to have that birthday.”

Selfishly some years, I didn’t like how the focus wasn’t just on me

It seemed people were more concerned with their own presents under the tree.

Now as I am older, when people say they would hate to have my day of birth,

I am honored to say, I get to share the day celebrating when the Savior came to earth.

He is the focus, He is the reason we celebrate this time of year.

He provided a way to make it so that we are all even here.

I am blessed far beyond I can say, for the knowledge I hold dear.

Knowing He provided a way to return to Him again without fear.

I don’t know how I would get through each and every day

Not knowing He is right there, He is helping me along the way.

He did far more than any human being can begin to even comprehend,

He dedicated His whole life to serving, to loving, to being a true friend.

I am so blessed to know that He is ALWAYS there,

He knows my pain He knows my joy, I know He really cares.

He carried me through times when I couldn’t fathom going one more day,

When I felt so hopeless and alone, I would be reminded He was the way.

He suffered more than anyone can fathom or understand,

He chose to go through all the pain to have nails go through His hands.

He didn’t want the glory, He didn’t want the praise.

He only wants in return for us to follow His ways.

To be truly happy, to feel pure joy and love,

Following our Savior will bring us true happiness from above.

So when people ask “Don’t you hate having your birthday on that day?”

I have a new perspective and, I want to just simply say.

“Actually I am honored to celebrate my birth

on the same day Our Savior came upon the earth.”