The Thoughts Need to Stop...

I wake up. Slept through my alarm again. Rushing to get ready. Trying to wake the kids up. Rush to help them get ready. I run upstairs, make Koley his lunch. Hurry Addie along the best I can. Kiss Koley good-bye. Yep it will be yet another day that I will miss out on picking the kids up from school, taking Addie to dance, helping them with their homework, making them dinner. We pull up to Addie's school. I write another note to excuse her for being late. I think it's up to about 34 tardies for her in her first period class. Her orchestra teacher must think I am the most incompetent mother. I am. I rush to my school. I walk in and absolutely love being there. I love the students. I love all the knowledge I am gaining. I love what I do there. I am only there for four short hours. I leave and go to my college classes. I hate going. I hate feeling so incompetent around my professors, friends, and cohort members. They are all so knowledgeable. They have so much insight. They will be great teachers. I sit through my three classes. I envy the people around me talking about their husbands. It seems like they all have such perfect lives. I again, don't fit in. It's 6:30, time to leave and pick Addie up from dance on my way home. I pull up to her dance and see her sitting outside by herself in the dark against the wall without a coat. It isn't quite time for her to be done yet. She comes to the car and gets in. "Did you get out early today", I ask her. She tells me she didn't. I ask her what she is doing out there. She tells me she isn't good. She can't dance and every time she did her leaps the other girls would laugh. I tell her I am sure they weren't laughing at her. She is determined they were. I look over and see tears streaming down her cheeks. "I don't fit in at dance either." My heart is breaking inside, but I know that isn't true. I see her with so many friends all the time. I tell her of course she fits in. She replies, "Nope, not at dance, not at school, not at church, not anywhere." Oh no. I am rubbing off on her. She probably senses the same feelings coming from myself. I tell her I know she fits in and remind her of all the friends she has. She tells me I don't understand. I know the feeling, and so I just grab her hand and tell her how much I love her. This isn't the same happy Addie that was always smiling, always confident, never caring what anyone thought, just wanting to be friends with everyone. Is it her age? Probably a lot to do with it. Is it my fault? I am always down on myself. I try not to be when she is around. I try not to let her know how worthless I feel sometimes. Or do I? Does she hear me talk to my mom? Does she hear me crying when I think she and Koley are both asleep? I need to stop. I can't do this to her. I probably am a huge factor in the loss of her confidence. How is she affected from the divorce? Does she feel like her dad abandoned her? Does she think he doesn't care? Does she think it's my fault? Does she miss him even though she tells me she doesn't ever want to see him again? How can I help her? Is she going to have a hard time with relationships in the future because of this? How is this going to affect her later in life? I can't afford counseling. What do I do?
We get home. Koley is just sitting on the couch with his DS watching T.V. Cartoon Network is on. I HATE Cartoon Network. I need to be home with him. He needs to be involved in something. He cries often because he just wants a friend that understands him. Someone that has the same interests. He is noticing that he is different. He doesn't understand why. I don't know how to help him. I give him a hug. I ask if his homework is done. He tells me it is. I don't take the time to make sure. It's now about 7:30. Already time to start having the kids shower and get ready for bed so that I can do homework. I hate homework. It takes me from my kids. But this is going to benefit them right? I am doing it so we can have a good life. I'm doing it so I can support us. So we can one day have our own house. Do they understand? Do they think I'm just neglecting them on purpose. I don't even know what Koley is doing in school. I don't know if he is having meltdowns on a regular basis. I don't know if he is doing well. I will text his teacher. But later. It's time now to read scriptures, say prayer, and make sure the kids are ready for bed. We read scriptures. That's all we do. The kids aren't getting anything out of them. They don't even know what I just read. I don't even know what I just read. We say prayer. I tell them good night. Addie begs me to just lay down by her. I look at the clock. It's already 9. I have to write a paper, read some articles, and work on a huge project. She comes first. I lay by her for about 5 minutes. The whole time, not enjoying it, but worrying that I need to get all of this stuff done. I tell her I have to go back upstairs and get my homework done. I open my book. I start reading. Will I be able to even get a job? I will start applying in February. I'm up against all of these people in my cohort, and many more that I'm sure are way more qualified than I am. Even if I do get a job, I don't even know if I will make enough to move out right away. It's been three years now with my parents. They need their house back. We need our own house. Will I ever be able to move out? Focus. I don't even know what I just read for the past five minutes. I start reading again. Addie needs a present to take for her dance Christmas party. I don't even know how I am going to get her a Christmas present, how am I going to get one for some other girl I don't even know? I will sell my books back. I hope that is enough to cover a present for both of the kids. Christmas isn't about the gifts anyway. Right? How can I help my kids feel that? It'll be ok. It always works out. Ok I REALLY need to focus now. I re-read the same page for the third time. I can't keep my eyes open. I HAVE to! I bag the reading and move on to writing the paper. My professors probably wonder how I even got into the program in the first place. I wonder the same thing. I finally literally cannot keep my eyes open. I go downstairs and get ready for bed. I try to say my prayer. I can't even focus when I do that. My mind begins wandering. Did I get everything done I needed to for tomorrow? I finally finish my prayer after having to refocus my thoughts. I look at my phone. It's 2 am. Great. I am all of a sudden wide awake. I try to read my scriptures. Again, my thoughts start to wander. Do the kids know how much I love them? I am missing out on their lives. Will they remember all the times I haven't been there? Oh no! I forgot to text Koley's teacher. I'll do it tomorrow. I haven't checked my email for a while. I pull it up on my phone. The first message I see is, "Your missed appointment with Dr. Erickson." Great. I missed Addie's orthodontist appointment for like the fifth time in the last several months. They probably think I'm the most flighty person in the world. Oh no, I forgot to see if I can fix Koley's Wii U gamepad. He has asked me everyday for like two weeks now. I keep telling him I'll get to it. He probably thinks I'm a liar. What if he thinks he's not important to me? I have to fix it. I'll do it for sure tomorrow. Why can't my mind just STOP?! I need it to stop.
As I contemplate how a typical day goes for me, it makes me sick to be honest. I am so negative. Not once do I remember thinking about all that I do have. Not once do I focus on the things that matter most in my day. I compare myself to everyone. I don't exercise my faith in anything anymore! I sound like I have it so bad, and in reality, I have the best life ever! Just reviewing my day, I realize just how much I need to improve. I always know I have TONS of room to improve, but thinking about it in such depth is actually really disturbing to me, realizing just how negative my thought process is.
When we only focus on the negative, we'll never be happy or satisfied. I know this. I say I will do better, and then fall right back into the same scenario. I am blessed. SO blessed. I need to focus on what I do have, which is above and beyond what I don't.